I'm not the one who wants to keep it a secret.

[oopsydaisy 40]

When I decided to look into the VSG surgery, I told my husband and he was supportive and positive. I also told my mother, who was not. (Just get your hormones straightened out. You'll be fine. No one in my family is overweight and I didn't struggle until last 12 years.) I started with my preop appointments in August. My husband went to the consultation with me and he drove me to/from the appointment for the GI endoscopy. He keeps saying that we shouldn't tell anyone - friends or other family. If any one asks when I start loosing weight, he feels like we should just tell them I started power walking. He told his business partner that the appointments were for 'woman issues'. The hell. the business partner is also a best friend that we spend time with outside of work. I really suck at lying. I have mobility issues that arose in my 20's before I gained weight and fibromyalgia- walking is painful! I do it when I have to, but no one is ever going to see me out power walking the block! And if people think I am, then they'll have a real lack of understanding when I can't participate in physical activities due to pain or weakness. For the rest of my life. While my mom is not supportive of anything I do, my family is very small and close. Basically, it's us and an uncle that I'm really close with and an aunt that adores me unconditionally. Both would be supportive and happy of my success. My weight has never been an issue with my husband. While his initial comments were supportive, the idea that we lie about what I'm doing seems very unsupportive and I don't understand what it might accomplish or what a hidden agenda might be. I asked if he was embarrassed for me. He said no, he just feels it's none of anyone's business. What am I missing here? I feel so agitated by it that I don't want to include him in anything else.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Maybe he is trying to prevent negative comments from derailing you or he is embarassed and can't say that because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I think keeping it private is fine, but the lie about power walking is not fine. Instead tell him to say you are working with a nutritionist in the hopes it helps your condition (fibro, obesity). That is actually true, not the whole story but still true. As far as your aunt and uncle - I would tell them, just not business people or general acquaintances.

Hope this helps.

[Introversion 1,876]

40 minutes ago, oopsydaisy said:

What am I missing here?

You might be missing the fact that people will make stupid, disparaging comments once you inform them of your intention to have weight loss surgery.

The general public is mostly undereducated about weight loss surgery and think you've taken the easy way out. They'll wonder why you "just don't go on a diet" or "get a personal trainer."

Weight loss surgery is still heavily stigmatized. Although it's your choice to be an open book and broadcast your information, prepare for the onslaught of ignorant comments.

Good luck to you.

[TammyA 77]

51 minutes ago, oopsydaisy said:

What am I missing here? I feel so agitated by it that I don't want to include him in anything else.

I struggled with this when I decided to get sleeved. I told my mom, my brother, and my best friend when I was going to the consults and pre-op appts. I didn't tell my husband, my sister, or my other friends. For me it was about telling people I trusted to be supportive of what I wanted. My husband is a very negative person, and I knew for weeks before the surgery he would make comments and complaints that I didn't want to deal with. When the surgery was finally scheduled and approved by the insurance company I told him I had surgery scheduled (I only had a week to wait at that point) and explained my reasoning. I told him I wasn't sure it would be approved and I knew we couldn't pay for it out of pocket so I had chosen not to say anything until I was sure it was going to happen. He understood that and was mostly quiet about it, but at that point it was already decided.

Once the surgery was done I waited until I saw my family and friends in person to tell them. I saw my sister a few days after the surgery and told her then. I explained there were other health issues that prompted me to have this done, and that it had gone well and I was excited about it. I felt more comfortable that way. I didn't want to hear people's negative comments before it was done...afterwards there wasn't too much they could say. I only told my two closest friends and my immediate family. One friend recently told me I looked like I was losing weight. I hadn't seen her in several months and I thanked her and said I've been really working at it. Watching what I eat and trying to excercise. She said, That's great! I left it at that.

Ultimately, this isn't your husband's decision. You have to be comfortable with what you tell people and you have to be comfortable with the people you tell.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

1 hour ago, oopsydaisy said:

When I decided to look into the VSG surgery, I told my husband and he was supportive and positive. I also told my mother, who was not. (Just get your hormones straightened out. You'll be fine. No one in my family is overweight and I didn't struggle until last 12 years.) I started with my preop appointments in August. My husband went to the consultation with me and he drove me to/from the appointment for the GI endoscopy. He keeps saying that we shouldn't tell anyone - friends or other family. If any one asks when I start loosing weight, he feels like we should just tell them I started power walking. He told his business partner that the appointments were for 'woman issues'. The hell. the business partner is also a best friend that we spend time with outside of work. I really suck at lying. I have mobility issues that arose in my 20's before I gained weight and fibromyalgia- walking is painful! I do it when I have to, but no one is ever going to see me out power walking the block! And if people think I am, then they'll have a real lack of understanding when I can't participate in physical activities due to pain or weakness. For the rest of my life. While my mom is not supportive of anything I do, my family is very small and close. Basically, it's us and an uncle that I'm really close with and an aunt that adores me unconditionally. Both would be supportive and happy of my success. My weight has never been an issue with my husband. While his initial comments were supportive, the idea that we lie about what I'm doing seems very unsupportive and I don't understand what it might accomplish or what a hidden agenda might be. I asked if he was embarrassed for me. He said no, he just feels it's none of anyone's business. What am I missing here? I feel so agitated by it that I don't want to include him in anything else.

Honestly it is easy to keep it a secret and it is better in the long run.

My choice in not telling people except the few people I had to tell, was because I knew people who had surgery before and I knew how people gossiped about and how that was their label forever.

Once you are healed if you heal well, you probably won't even feel like a weight loss patient. I am 2 years post-op and I don't really feel like a WLS patient anymore, my post-op memories are starting to fade and not be as vivid (I have to read posts here to be reminded). I will probably live another 40 years at least. I don't need the label of WLS patient 10 years for now, when I barely remember it and keep my weight off will be the same for me as it is for other people.

I think your recovery will be easier by keeping it to yourself, you don't have to worry about other people projecting their feelings onto you. Also, it honestly is not other peoples business. Health and surgery should be private matters. How you lose weight shouldn't really be a topic of discussion.

I think your husband is just trying to protect you. Let him.

[Brandeis 401]

I must be incredibly lucky, because I tell literally everyone (including random waiters, sometimes, to my bro's horror) and have never had a single person make a disparaging comment toward me regarding my surgery.

I think it's better to be honest. If you start lying now, you'll need to lie for the rest of your life, which will make everything in your life a lie. Living that way would cause me serious anxiety. Once it's out there, it's out there. Your friends will better respect your dietary restrictions, and be helpful/friendly/supportive -- or, if they're not, then they're not really your friends, are they?

It sounds like your husband is embarrassed or ashamed, which is really shitty, and you should talk to him about it.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Not telling is not lying. There is such a thing as personal private business. I don't tell people a lot of things, still not lying. I know the current socially acceptable venues of putting marital fights, female medical issues, drinking binges, sexual exploits for all the world to see on Facebook or to go on Jerry Springer seems like normal behavior to some. I dont share finances when someone asks how much money I have or how much my house is worth. I don't see why anyone's weight is anyones business either. This forum however is a refuge for those seeking information and support. Our opinions are just that - we can only give our own experiences as examples.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Sosewsue61

[Introversion 1,876]

1 hour ago, Brandeis said:

If you start lying now, you'll need to lie for the rest of your life, which will make everything in your life a lie. Living that way would cause me serious anxiety.

This may come across as brusque to those with an overly active conscience, but I live my live by the following mantra: I owe nothing to no one.

I am not an open book and I owe no one any particular thing, not even the unadulterated truth.

Some queries are a bit intrusive. If some random stranger asked about your favorite sex position (missionary, doggy style, etc), would you divulge? If a convicted rapist who arrived home after serving the past 10 years in prison asked for your address, would you divulge? After all, the truth shall set you free! (sarcasm intended)...

In essence, my weight loss surgery is no one's business. If not divulging is considered a lie, then call me a liar. After all, it is one lie that has caused me to feel at peace for the past 2.5 years.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

40 minutes ago, Sosewsue61 said:

Not telling is not lying. There is such a thing as personal private business. I don't tell people a lot of things, still not lying.

This so much.

I run my own business and people ask me all the time how much money I make. I give a fake number every single time. A rude question does not deserve a response.

I tell people the truth, I eat low carb. I eat Keto. I adopted a dog so I have to walk everyday. I removed a lot of stress from my life. I stopped eating my feelings. It took me 5 years to get here. All of that is the truth, none of it is a lie.

When people ask me why I only have 1 child (only in the midwest I swear) I tell them because I use birth control and that is all I wanted. I don't tell them what method of birth control I use.

Honestly WLS is not even why I lost the weight. I lost the weight. I picked WLS to help me and I used it to help me but I could be like most WLS and have failed at it. I only succeed at WLS because I was super strict and worked my ass off. Prior to having surgery myself I thought surgery did all if not most of the work but sugery after 6 months isn't doing anything for people. They have to do the work. If they haven't used that first 6 months of healing to make a real life style change. They are stalled by month 9 and actively gaining by month 12. They never hit goal and over the years they just keep gaining and gaining.

All the little threads people make shouting out their surgery date buddies are so cute in the pre-op and early stages. Then as the months go on few and fewer are responding, still losing or at goal. Less than half by year one, then by year 2 it is crickets. Half my WLS buddies who had surgery when I did barely talk to me, because they never hit their goals. It sucks.

Stop calling people that don't blab all their business to people that are not entitled to it, liars. A generation ago, this would have never been an issue. The death of privacy is horrific.

Edited September 28, 2017 by OutsideMatchInside

[Brandeis 401]

Of course it's personal, and all I can speak to my opinion. If someone said "wow, you look great, how did you lose so much weight?" and I replied "power walking!" I would definitely consider that a lie and something that stressed me out constantly. I'd also feel like I was mis-representing how easy/difficult it is to lose weight, and setting back understanding of weight loss surgery. Because I've been honest about my situation, not one but two of my friends are now also having the surgery. Both of them will have lives dramatically improved by the surgery, but would never have considered if it they hadn't had insight into my experiences/success.

Do you need to post on Facebook about it? Nah, that seems excessive. But should you tell the people who are important in your life? And should you be honest when people ask you? Yeah, I think you should. I consider it lying if you don't, unless you just flat out don't answer.

Edited September 28, 2017 by Brandeis

[grammyPammy 23]

This so much.
I run my own business and people ask me all the time how much money I make. I give a fake number every single time. A rude question does not deserve a response.
I tell people the truth, I eat low carb. I eat Keto. I adopted a dog so I have to walk everyday. I removed a lot of stress from my life. I stopped eating my feelings. It took me 5 years to get here. All of that is the truth, none of it is a lie.
When people ask me why I only have 1 child (only in the midwest I swear) I tell them because I use birth control and that is all I wanted. I don't tell them what method of birth control I use.
Honestly WLS is not even why I lost the weight. I lost the weight. I picked WLS to help me and I used it to help me but I could be like most WLS and have failed at it. I only succeed at WLS because I was super strict and worked my ass off. Prior to having surgery myself I thought surgery did all if not most of the work but sugery after 6 months isn't doing anything for people. They have to do the work. If they haven't used that first 6 months of healing to make a real life style change. They are stalled by month 9 and actively gaining by month 12. They never hit goal and over the years they just keep gaining and gaining.
All the little threads people make shouting out their surgery date buddies are so cute in the pre-op and early stages. Then as the months go on few and fewer are responding, still losing or at goal. Less than half by year one, then by year 2 it is crickets. Half my WLS buddies who had surgery when I did barely talk to me, because they never hit their goals. It sucks.
Stop calling people that don't blab all their business to people that are not entitled to it, liars. A generation ago, this would have never been an issue. The death of privacy is horrific.

I don't think he's ashamed of you I think he's protecting you. My husband is supportive with my surgery but he is a very private person. He doesn't say anything to anyone. But I tell people that I know will be supportive. I didn't announce it on FB. He my think what if you fail ( you won't) but he may not be sure. Tell who you want it's your body your choice the more support the better. Some men are just that way. You know in your heart he loves you don't you? If your answer is yes don't worry. He will be so happy to see all the changes to come your way. Enjoy the ride. My surgery is Oct 3, 2017 5 days away! Good luck!!

[sarahisgreat 48]

I am pre-op and at first I was going to keep this all to myself and my immediate family as this can be an embarrassing topic. During my lifestyles class we had a post op gentleman there who told us his story. He suggested not keeping this a secret, it's a huge lifestyle change and you will need all the support you can get. I then started telling people about my journey so far. I have inspired a gal I work with to look into the procedure which may save her life. I have also inspired two friends who have had gastric bypass several years ago and have gained most if not all of their weight back to reevaluate, talk to their doctors and re-do all of the eating phases to shrink their pouches. The more people I tell the more stories I hear and the more support I get. I know I am blessed to have great, supportive people in my life but I also refuse to be around shitty people in general. My boyfriend is amazing, he fell in love with me at my heaviest, and supports all the positive changes I am doing to have a longer, more fulfilled, happier, healthier existence. I say tell people with CONFIDENCE. If you don't have confidence in yourself how can you expect anyone else to have confidence in you? Lead by example, your husband will come around. He may be embarrassed or scared and he has every right to feel how he feels but don't hide or disregard the fact that you are a strong woman taking your own life into your own hands and making positive changes. You got this!

[Krista27 342]

I have been considering not telling many people as well. It is a private thing to me and I am not an open book. The people I have told of course are in my support system. My spouse, my parents, and a few very close friends.

[PrayingForWeightLoss 340]

Personally, it has never been an option for me to publicly discuss my private health problems including weight loss surgery. Your husband might be one of those people who feel the same way. I have known patients who do not want to tell anyone that they have a diagnosis of depression for example. If someone asks why they look sad, they do not feel the need to say, "I have been diagnosed with depression and I am taking antidepressants for it." Should they elect not to divulge their diagnosis and treatment, that is not a lie. If taking power walks is not an optional answer, you can choose to say you have changed a lot of things in your life to get healthier. That's not a lie.

However, if you strongly feel that you want to share, that's your choice and maybe you could have further discussions with your husband and let him know how your feel about the issue. Ultimately it is your body, your choice.

Some have come to decisions to not share because of what life has taught us. It obviously doesn't apply to everyone. Hope your surgery goes well.

[Rainbow_Warrior 996]

8 hours ago, OutsideMatchInside said:

Stop calling people that don't blab all their business to people that are not entitled to it, liars. A generation ago, this would have never been an issue. The death of privacy is horrific.

Well stated.

One is entitled to sidestep or omit information which would be misused or misjudged.