Starting New Life 3 Months after Surgery

[Monkeyfulbrighter 73]

Hey All,

Just looking for some support and thoughts. I had my VSG surgery 6/27/17, so just about 3 months ago. I had a really rough recovery the first month but the hardship has faded and I'm over 55 pounds down now.

I've been a serial long-term dater since I was 16 without ever really having a break - going from a 1.5 year relationship, to 3 years relationship, to 6 year relationship, to 3 year relationship. The last relationship, we've known for a long time we didn't work with our ideals and different motivations but have stuck together much longer than we should have basically due to comfort of going home to somebody and fear, then to help me get through surgery. He is moving out at the end of our lease Nov 1st and I'm trying to learn to be more independent.

I'll be 30 in December and starting fresh body and mind can feel pretty overwhelming. I'm doing my best to keep depression at bay. I'm so used to having a man to live life with, help me around the house, take care of each other. I've always dated great guys in the ways that they help around house, cooking etc. I thought the man I was with 6 years was it but there was underlying intimacy and trust issues.

I don't know how to be single, everyone is telling me to stay single and not jump into another relationship but I just don't know how which sounds a bit pathetic. It's always been easier to make strong boyfriends than regular friends. I live 8 hours from my hometown and don't have a strong social base where I live here in MD just outside Washington DC. I've always had social anxiety and feel its difficult to make friends as people usually take a love or hate stance on me pretty straight off. I'm working on both body and mind trying to get over the negative thoughts that's been programmed in me since I was a kid

I've heard alot of new VSG patients end up going through break-ups and big life changes, I think it just comes with taking control of your life. I am actually really proud how well I did this weekend solo, spending Saturday walking miles with my dog and today have plans with a new friend to do a BBQ, bring my pup and help them train their dog.

For anyone else that has had big life changes pretty soon after surgery, how did you handle things?

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

I think therapy would be a good option right now. Maybe explore the why behind the social anxiety, some of our long held beliefs can get in the way of what is really true about ourselves and about how others perceive us. I have had completely wrong reactions based on what I assumed people thought about me and often ignored when people really were treating me terrible or actually liked me but had their own issues.

Body image colors our interactions and how we project ourselves and this changed body needs time to become the new normal - our heads take longer to catch up. It's even unfair to bring a new relationship into that hot mess until you have it figured out.

[Michelle'sgarden 34]

Are you going to your surgeons support group? Many other VSG patients have gone through similar struggles and maybe their perspective would help. Also, private therapy is a good idea.

[marinslake 3]

It is so much better to enter into a relationship when you are healthy both body and mind first. You have to be ok with yourself and by yourself. If you are not, then you are taking unhealthy things into your relationship and setting it up for failure.

[DaleCruse 756]

First, congratulations on your surgery & weight loss so far. You're doing great!

You're telling us all the reasons you find it hard to be single. Instead, try telling us all the reasons you can be single successfully.

[Monkeyfulbrighter 73]

On 9/24/2017 at 1:53 PM, Sosewsue61 said:

I think therapy would be a good option right now. Maybe explore the why behind the social anxiety, some of our long held beliefs can get in the way of what is really true about ourselves and about how others perceive us. I have had completely wrong reactions based on what I assumed people thought about me and often ignored when people really were treating me terrible or actually liked me but had their own issues.

Body image colors our interactions and how we project ourselves and this changed body needs time to become the new normal - our heads take longer to catch up. It's even unfair to bring a new relationship into that hot mess until you have it figured out.

The why behind the social anixety is a long history of gaslighting from my mother and tramatic life events. I agree about therapy. I have attended the local support group. They are ok but beside me attendees were 50s to 70s, not a real issue but they are in a different life phase so experiences are different accordingly.

I was in personal therapy but stopped because it wasn't a good fit. I saw my psychologist tuesday and she gave me a new name to try.

I am pretty horrible at social interaction I've been told. Don't get me wrong, alot of people like me but I strike a lot people the wrong way, cpme off as pushy, a know-it-all, too forceful or direct (which is amusing because that would be some of the last adjectives I'd use for myself).

I agree about the head needing to catch up, but my head has always needed fixing. I've dealt with severe anxiety, depression, panic attacks since puberty. It actually feels strangely calm lately despite strong work stress. Just trying to take life a day at a time but so much to do

[Monkeyfulbrighter 73]

On 9/25/2017 at 8:52 AM, DaleCruse said:

First, congratulations on your surgery & weight loss so far. You're doing great!

You're telling us all the reasons you find it hard to be single. Instead, try telling us all the reasons you can be single successfully.

I'm not quite sure about the reasons I can be single successfully but I can give it a try:

- entire roommate reset, ex and 2 stressful roomies leaving end of next month and I will begin anew which should help with new singlehood. (Although the ex is who i get alking with best and it isn't ending on bad terms what so ever, just not good fit)

-i'll have more energy to spend my time in a healthy manner, getting out, walking dog, instead of living of the couch

-no strings, I don't work with my ex anymore or work where people know the two of us so no questions about us

-gym will be a win-win for both physical and mental health

Uhh..... blanking.....