Getting out of the dreaded Friend Zone

[StephersSweet 78]

So I have this guy friend who I'm kinda into... I have this notion in my head that after I finish my journey he may decide I'm worth dating at that point. And all though I'm really fond of him and love our conversations, and think he's amazing... but I don't think I would be into dating him after this. I'm probably living in a fantasy world but I'm wondering if any of you had dealt with this and how you handled it. Did you end up together and you're currently living happily ever after or did you tell them to eff off because they were shallow when you were bigger? I do know for sure I'm not interested in anything serious until after my surgery.

[Half-Tum 404]

If he's not into you now, he won't be when there is less of you, and if he is, it's only because he only sees the surface.

There's your dose of truth and nihilism for your thursday morning. Sorry. Been married 18 years.

[coyote 93]

1 hour ago, StephersSweet said:

I have this notion in my head that after I finish my journey he may decide I'm worth dating at that point.

You have always been worth dating.

I hope you never forget that.

Has this guy told you he has an issue with your weight or is that your perception? Some people are genuinely afraid of dating bigger folks (both guys and gals, it goes both ways) or being labeled a "chubby chaser". Society makes us feel like a fetish.

I met my thin, fit partner on a video game when I was 225lbs. We fell for each other before we exchanged pictures and once we finally did, I sent him the "myspace" angles, nipped and tucked a little in photoshop, and hoped when we met he could see past the real, fat me and like me for who he thought I was. I got sick of keeping up the photographical lie and one day sent him a full body photo and said "this is who I am - take me or leave me". 24 hours later he made a 600-mile trip to meet me in person, moved in 8 months later, and we've been together for a total 5 years.

He watched me struggle with an eating addiction that stemmed from my childhood and lose 30lbs, only to put on 100lbs. He's exercised beside me and did crazy diets with me when I felt like thinness was my only way to happiness, and encouraged me to seek therapy to get my mother's aggressive, hateful words out of my head. He attended VSG orientation, held my hand for hours in the hospital bed before surgery, and slept 2 nights beside me in a crappy hospital chair while I recovered.

My point is that there is someone who is thrilled to date you at all stages in your life. The good, bad, fat, thin, poor, wealthy, sick, healthy...and those who think you look amazing when you can't even look in a mirror. There are also those who will threaten to leave when you no longer fit their idea of what someone should look like. Spend your energy on the ones that make you feel good now and forever, not ones who hold stipulations.

[StephersSweet 78]

@coyote does he have a brother? Can I jump through the computer and give you a very big hug?!?!

No he's never said anything about my weight and he's been an amazing friend and we continue to get closer. I'm 100% focused on my goals right now so I'm not looking for any commitments. I got enough on my plate without dealing with boyfriend drama lol.

It really does feel like that liking a bigger woman is considered a fetish more than anything, it makes it hard to really get attached to anyone.

[coyote 93]

34 minutes ago, StephersSweet said:

@coyote does he have a brother? Can I jump through the computer and give you a very big hug?!?!

No he's never said anything about my weight and he's been an amazing friend and we continue to get closer. I'm 100% focused on my goals right now so I'm not looking for any commitments. I got enough on my plate without dealing with boyfriend drama lol.

It really does feel like that liking a bigger woman is considered a fetish more than anything, it makes it hard to really get attached to anyone.

Hugs!!!

He doesn't have a brother, but I do have a very dear (and very single) best friend who is also going through his own weight loss journey! He said my VSG inspired him to take control of his own issues so we've been dropping weight together like champs!

[StephersSweet 78]

Alright I'm new to the lingo, what does VSG mean?

[lindabalseca 373]

52 minutes ago, StephersSweet said:

Alright I'm new to the lingo, what does VSG mean?

VERTICAL SLEEVE GASTRECTOMY

[celticNgel 144]

My husband of 31 years married a very chubby girl. He saw me for who I was inside and didn't harp about the outside. Don't get me wrong, of course he is worried for my health, but he married me for me. Now I'm hoping to give him the present of a hottie for a wife! He is my best friend and I'm grateful he wasn't a shallow man.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

You are probably going to find that a lot of people you are friends with now, you won't be at a normal or close to normal weight.

You might not change but how people view you will.

[StephersSweet 78]

@outsidematchinside That's sad to think about, but I'm sure your right.

On ‎9‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 2:46 PM, OutsideMatchInside said:

You are probably going to find that a lot of people you are friends with now, you won't be at a normal or close to normal weight.

You might not change but how people view you will.

[BigViffer 3,544]

It's been a while since I have seen this topic, but there has been some really good discussion on this forum about it. Shocking I know! I don't remember who said it, and I am not saying that it is applicable to you Stephers, but would you be attracted and have romantic thoughts about this guy if her were bigger than you? Many times people only see these things from their point of view which can be narrow. Not because of any selfish reasons, but merely because they cannot think the same as someone else.

An overweight person may have all the personality traits that an athletic person is looking for in a significant other. However, if their passion is rock climbing, odds are the overweight person is not going to be a good match. There is so much more to a relationship than just being a nice person and getting along with people. After you get to know each other so well that there is nothing to discover about each other, the challenge is to discover new things together. If one cannot do that, then the relationship may not work out. It doesn't make him/her shallow or an @sshole.

All of that being said, if he says "Thank goodness you lost that weight, now I can be seen with you in public!" Write him off. Not even worth having as a friend IMO.

[StephersSweet 78]

On ‎9‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 2:55 PM, BigViffer said:

All of that being said, if he says "Thank goodness you lost that weight, now I can be seen with you in public!" Write him off. Not even worth having as a friend IMO.

EXACTLY!!!

Thank you for what you've written, this is why I've come to love this site!

[kakatlady612 1,053]

Wouldn't you like to say maybe I don't want to be seen with someone shallow like YOU

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app

[Mattymatt 491]

Relationships are definitely more complex than friendships. In a relationship, we look for different things and we have different needs. Attraction is also a very complicated thing and I don't even understand it myself because sometimes there are bigger women that I've been strongly attracted to, and at other times, I have not. I have been strongly attracted to women whom would not be considered pretty in the classic sense. It has to be the totality of the person. This is why I really don't have a type! I have to meet the person and if we click, sh*t, we click. If not, that's fine too.

Sometimes I bemoan the fact that not even bigger women will check me out and then I have to remember that I as a bigger man, don't always check out bigger women. See, attraction is a really complicated thing. I've had bigger women look at me with disgust. I've had women whom would not be considered classically beautiful look at me with disgust. But I am never bitter because the shoe could just easily be on the other foot.

[kakatlady612 1,053]

Big Viffer, Mattymatt and all may I share this with you guys? My late husband was 3 inches taller than me & outweighed me by 20 lbs, yeah a big guy. He was the first and only big guy I ever gravitated to. He had turned on me emotionally the last few months of his life, guess he was dying but I thought he was going senile. I believe we would have separated in a few months, it was That bad. What he said and it still burns in my soul is: you are so fat and ugly not even a blind man would touch you, and if you didn't have me you would have to,pay a man before he'd consider it. This from a man I'd given 44 years of my life to. Were he living he would never have supported my decision for bariatric surgery. After he died while going through his papers I found papers from his PCP (different one from mine) stating he had end stage renal. disease. Did he see a nephologist/urologist, nope and he didn't share this with me, his wife, best friend whould been with him since he was 25. I'd like to rationalize he was trying to protect me, well it didn't and I had a jumble of things to straighten when he suddenly died on the 4th of July 2012. I try not to be bitter but I would helped if he had let me know. Shoot I have 3 kidneys, would have given him one of mine, if I didn't match OSU has done the ones where you donate to a chain and yours going to your match and maybe they have someone who matches you. Why didn't he trust me?

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app