Abusive Relationship

[beau 0]

Hi, its a lonnnnggggg story, 26 years to be exact but I'm still here. Well, I was banded 2 1/2 weeks ago, making a decision that I hope will give me back a little confidence and self esteem that has long been dwindling. I'm staying in marriage that has always been turbulent but the past couple months has been a living hell. I have no support from my husband, he actually said he hoped I died on the operating table, the night before I left to drive myself 10 hours to have my surgery.

I'm strong, learned to have wide shoulders, but all this is taking a toll on my healing process. I know everyone is going to say "get out" but I just can't get past the fear of going it alone. Three years ago we went down the divorce path and I went back, thinking that he'd had enough time to think about things and would change. I just don't have the positive mindset to concentrate on every small detail of this journey. I have no restriction yet and almost feel like I'm never going to get where I want.

Encouragement needed please!

[Cerrin 3]

All I have to say is you have to believe in yourself FIRST and LAST. If you dont believe and suport yourself and treat yourself righe how can you expect others to. Love yourself enough to not let someone else walk over you.

[Dibaby 0]

I was in the EXACT same boat. Hugs to u! I did whatever it took to get out of the relationship that was killing me. I knew I needed to get my self esteem back. The band gave me the confidence to take action and get rid of the controlling loser in my life. No more rollercoaster days for me! Life is too short girl to live like that. Start taking back your life and realize that someone that REALLY loves you wouldn't say things like.."i hope you die". Get your confidence back and find a man that truely deserves you!! Good luck keep us posted. PM me if you want about anything.

[Caramel 6]

Beau,

Try and think back to why it is u had the surgery, to boost your self esteem and confidence. Take this time to reflect on yourself and making yourself happier and then when you are feeling good about yourself, you can knock down any obstacle that comes your way including divorce. Don't let the negativity effect the one thing that is going to make to your life better.

My mom always told me there is no one out there and is going to take better care of yourself, but you.

[Dibaby 0]

Ohh one more thing. Don't worry too much about your restriction. It will come. This tool truely won't work until you have had a few fills..probably 3 or 4. Just hang in there! happy days ahead.

[travelgirl 3]

Losing weight will not magically resolve any of these issues. Most of us, no matter how much weight we lose, still see the fat person in the mirror, and feel like we're still at our highest weight.

You have to love and respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself. No one else is going to do it for you. I don't know if that means getting out, or not allowing your husband to abuse you, or whatever it might mean for you. Certainly, there is help out there for women in your situation, if you'll just seek it.

As far as encouragement, you've already done the hardest part, restriction will come later, with fills. Just make sure you're following your surgeon's post-op instructions, and you'll get there!

(((((((hugs))))))

[coltonwade 27]

Hugs to you for having the confidence to get banded with out any support. THAT is something I never would have done ! I was in an abusive relationship for 3 yrs off and on when i was very young ( started when i was 18) .

Dont allow him to beat you down . Get out of the " door mat" cycle as I call it.

however, do not allow your self to be physically hurt. Do you have children ? do you have family ? There is always a way to get out .

YOu do NOT HAVE TO STAY . I know I know according to him its always your fault. Abusers tend to prey on the over weight woman , they know their self esteem is low to begin with so they are easy "targets" do NOT Let yourself be a target anymore . Do you want to waste more of your life with him ?

You had surgery to get your life back right ? Dont waste your new life with HIM . I KNOW how hard it is to leave a person doing this to you. I did it myself, i stayed longer than I should have. But its not worth staying.

Like i said you had the Confidence , nerve, and guts to have this surgery on your own . that says ALOT and took A LOT . You can do anything on your own . Im here for your if you need support . feel free to IM me, email me or PM me.

Hang in there , you can do this , BOTH things you can do .

Love

Mindy

[IndioGirl55 32]

Hi, its a lonnnnggggg story, 26 years to be exact but I'm still here. Well, I was banded 2 1/2 weeks ago, making a decision that I hope will give me back a little confidence and self esteem that has long been dwindling. I'm staying in marriage that has always been turbulent but the past couple months has been a living hell. I have no support from my husband, he actually said he hoped I died on the operating table, the night before I left to drive myself 10 hours to have my surgery.

I'm strong, learned to have wide shoulders, but all this is taking a toll on my healing process. I know everyone is going to say "get out" but I just can't get past the fear of going it alone. Three years ago we went down the divorce path and I went back, thinking that he'd had enough time to think about things and would change. I just don't have the positive mindset to concentrate on every small detail of this journey. I have no restriction yet and almost feel like I'm never going to get where I want.

Encouragement needed please!

Beau - Been there done that - Please listen to a "Old Women's Advice"

He is never going to change - you can not change him - When I was your age I thought that with enough love and understanding I could change him - but you can't. Read the book "women who love too much" See a counsler

You have to think about what's best for you - You have started that process by getting a band to loose the weight - We play all kind of mental games with ourselves - I know - I did it for years. Truely you are no different than me - I just have the years of experience behind me. I had a girlfriend tell me once - you will wake up one day and you just won't be able to take it anymore. If he hits you - you really need to get out and the mental abuse is just as bad it is tearing you down.

You don't have control over him - but you do have control of what you eat - Have that be a starting place - I had an x - who told me i was FAT aftet i had lost 60 lbs - I told him that didn't work any longer cuz I wasn't... I am a prideful person and I will do it to prove you wrong - So prove the A-Hole WRONG - eat healthy - exercise oncenyou have been given the ok by doc and take care of yourself 1st.

You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Do you have a shelter in your area for abused women - call them for the counseling.

Good luck you can do this - you have taken the 1st step by being banded...

[Daisalana 33]

Beau- You sound like someone my doctor talked about. He told me about a lot of his patients (mostly female) who leave their spouse within a year of being operated on. He said they finally get the self-esteem to lose the dead weight (no pun intended!) they've been carrying around. So, since you've realized he's a problem I think that's the first step. I'm sure your confidence is going to skyrocket in the next few months and you'll find the strength to leave him. :Banane35:

[coltonwade 27]

Indio brought up 2 good points. #1 He wont change, people who get off on belittling, hitting and putting down and hurting the one's the "love" dont change .

My ex use to tell me this was all my fault, if i had not done this or that he would not have "HAD" to hit me. someone tells you that for so long you start to buy it . SO I thought" if I would "behave" he wouldnt " HAVE " To hit me .

This is where counseling comes in . You need counseling to help you see you do or did nothing wrong , this is all him sweetie ! Counseling is VERY Important too for the next step .. for when you do decide to move on with someone else it will help you NOT get into the same relationship again .

I went from being a door mat to not taking any shit from ANYONE. Sometimes THAT gets me into trouble now lol but i was "muffled" for so long that i now tell it like it is . One extreme to another . You can do this ....

Mindy

[beau 0]

Thanks everyone, I am standing up for myself, I always have, sometimes I think its a war of wills and we're both stubborn. I've chosen to sleep alone since the middle of August on another issue of abuse and am not backing down until things are made right, I'm cooking, cleaning and still working in our business, because he pulls his weight as well, but until the control issues stop and he gets help, I'm standing tall. By the way, he's even taken away my computer and hidden it, I'm on my daughters right now! The worst part of all is the lies he tells our friends, nothing is ever his fault, I've always done something to aggrevate him, or he just plain old makes up stories. My ducks are in a row, I have my proof, but honestly, I just want to be a happy family..........maybe I'm just naive.

[Dibaby 0]

You're not naive! Your just hoping that he'll wake up some day and magically figure out that he's losing you and he'll change. Unfortunately they are wayyyy to shelfish to change. I know the last thing you want is to break up the family. I know how scary that is. But believe me your daughter is watching all of this..she's learning from you that it's now okay to be treated this way. So in the future don't be surprised if she is also abused. I'm sorry it's just the stats. Please please..if your not gonna do it for yourself..do it for her! I'm sorry but he took your computer from you??..YOUR computer like your a child. How is that standing tall? I'm sure he's not all bad..and I'm sure he has his moments that he's a prince. They all do. Do yourself a favor and learn about the "cycle of abuse" and how it works. Take care girl..and keep posting!

[Dibaby 0]

One more thing I forgot to add..

I don't want to scare you but do you realize if someone outside the home reports the abuse going on in the house that there is a chance they can take your child from you?? Just be careful.

[Wheetsin 714]

I have no support from my husband, he actually said he hoped I died on the operating table, the night before I left to drive myself 10 hours to have my surgery.

I'm strong, learned to have wide shoulders, but all this is taking a toll on my healing process. I know everyone is going to say "get out" but I just can't get past the fear of going it alone.

beau, I hear (or heard, to be technically accurate) this all the time, and it's sooo not reality! What you've basically just told us is that you stay with this soppy little penis wrinkle because, what -- he's better than nothing. Umm - hello! You can't go it alone? YOU'RE ALREADY GOING IT ALONE, hon! Actually, no - alone would be better, because then you aren't being constantly beaten down along the way.

Women who put up with abusive relationships, 99.99% of the time do it for one reason -- because it gives them something it needs. (That's true for all behaviors, not just relationships). That probably sounds wierd, how could you need to be abused -- but that's taking it too literally. Take someone who is physically abused. Why are they still in the relationship? Because, chances are, the negative attention of being punched in the face is, to them, better than no attention at all. (Think of it in terms of obesity -- none of us want to be fat or like being fat, but we're still fat... we're still getting something out of being fat. Normally that something is "control" or "safety" or "presence" or what have you, but it's really the same premise).

I'm hearing you say the exact same thing in slightly different words. The negative companionship you're getting from your husband is still better to you than no companionship at all. Which, again, equates to "better than nothing" and that's really not true. Nothing never dragged you through the dirt or buried your self esteem in a pile of warm poop, did it?

You can move past this, if you can change the way you're perceiving your relationship. So let me ask...

What does being alone mean to you, that it's such a bad thing? If you're alone, what happens? Why does it bother you to be or feel alone?

Do you have someone else you can count on being there for you, whom you aren't married to? Good friends? Family?

[beau 0]

Well, yes, I have support from many family and friends. As for the computer.........I think that's just immature and am not going to stress myself out over it. Actually, I like being alone, there is more peace, nobody yelling, making me walk on egg shells...........I'm not sure why I stay.........financial security I suppose. We've worked hard at our business, over 20 years now, I feel like I'm not qualified to go out and start over. I still do my books by hand, no computer programs, I know I could learn, I'm just not sure I want to, I suppose I'm comfortable. My daughter is off to college, the damage is done. I did talk to a councillor at a women's shelter a few years back. What I told her forced her to call children's aide, they did a follow up, she basically told them she didn't remember, she will always love her dad, no matter what. He severed three tendons in my arm once throwing a dinner plate at me in rage, she was 6 at the time. The doctors at the hospital felt sorry for him cause he cried that it was an accident. I'm a forgiving loyal person, he knows that. I just have to concentrate on healing right now, I go to moms or the cottage to get away when I need to. He says he's talking with a lawyer now to end the marriage, I'm waiting for the paperwork to arrive, I know it should be me talking with lawyers. Anyway, thanks for the hugs and thoughts, I'm hangin in there!