Abusive Relationship

[IndioGirl55 32]

Thanks everyone, I am standing up for myself, I always have, sometimes I think its a war of wills and we're both stubborn. I've chosen to sleep alone since the middle of August on another issue of abuse and am not backing down until things are made right, I'm cooking, cleaning and still working in our business, because he pulls his weight as well, but until the control issues stop and he gets help, I'm standing tall. By the way, he's even taken away my computer and hidden it, I'm on my daughters right now! The worst part of all is the lies he tells our friends, nothing is ever his fault, I've always done something to aggrevate him, or he just plain old makes up stories. My ducks are in a row, I have my proof, but honestly, I just want to be a happy family..........maybe I'm just naive.

You are not a child for him to take a computer away from - OMG...

He still has his maid, cook & secertary without the sex - big whoop - 2 months and at 37 you don't think he is getting it somewhere else...

Darling you are not standing tall - Mental games we play...

Who cares if you have proof - what is the proof going to do - he will never accept the truth so quite trying to make him - he see's only his truht and that it's all your fault.

What both Dibaby & Wheetsin said above me is so true...

Darling you aren't ready to accept our help - or suggesstion

I hope that your "Wake Up One Day & Won't Take It Anymore" comes soon - cuz you are wasting your precious life - and when you are older looking back on your life.. you will.... say - why did i waste all those years on that s.o.b.

[beau 0]

Indigo, my husband and I are 45. Neither of us are involved with anyone else, been there, done that. Its easy to be strong when its in hind sight, going through it, is another story. I know I would be better off without him, I know would be happier out of this marriage, I just don't know why I'm choosing to stay. Time will tell.

[IndioGirl55 32]

Indigo, my husband and I are 45. Neither of us are involved with anyone else, been there, done that. Its easy to be strong when its in hind sight, going through it, is another story. I know I would be better off without him, I know would be happier out of this marriage, I just don't know why I'm choosing to stay. Time will tell.

Darling - good luck to you....

[sipgel.biz 0]

Hi, its a lonnnnggggg story, 26 years to be exact but I'm still here. Well, I was banded 2 1/2 weeks ago, making a decision that I hope will give me back a little confidence and self esteem that has long been dwindling. I'm staying in marriage that has always been turbulent but the past couple months has been a living hell. I have no support from my husband, he actually said he hoped I died on the operating table, the night before I left to drive myself 10 hours to have my surgery.

I'm strong, learned to have wide shoulders, but all this is taking a toll on my healing process. I know everyone is going to say "get out" but I just can't get past the fear of going it alone. Three years ago we went down the divorce path and I went back, thinking that he'd had enough time to think about things and would change. I just don't have the positive mindset to concentrate on every small detail of this journey. I have no restriction yet and almost feel like I'm never going to get where I want.

Encouragement needed please!

I would put yourself first! I feel he could be afraid that with this procedure you will find your true self and notice the world is really a bigger place than what he has created for you. I would seperate myself far from the negative and find support within your community. I am on your side and hope this does not continue. No one should have to live with someone so negitive. I also feel "in most cases" people direct anger toward others due to a lack of self confidence and insecurity. The world drags them down so they want to drag the world down. You cannot change someone who does not want to be changed. Life is way to short and you need to live it! So either he respects you and is your partner or he does not support you and you support yourself. This is my feeling however I do not know your true story nor what lead you to this forum.

[crazyace 0]

I was in a very bad situation with a man---he told me I was fat every day--5'8"--170lbs--yeah crazy--but I believed it---I have suffered for 15 years---312lbs was my top-----don't let a man have any power over your happiness--get out--take proof of the abuse---get a lawyer---take every thing he owns--it is yours you built it---and make HIM start over--the next post we see from you should be --you are living with your mom and you have a lawyer who will take him for a ride!---do this now--you are still young at 45---you are starting a new life with the band----you had this surgery to make your live better---it will never be better no matter how thin you are if you stay with this man----trust me i know

[coltonwade 27]

My aunt has been in a pathetic marriage all her life.

He I am pretty sure physically abused her many yrs ago . but I know he emotionally abuses her now. She's left an emotional basket case so are her kids. She now says shes waiting for him to die so she can have a life ,how sad is that ?

Im sorry i tell it like it is, your in no way shape or form ready to leave,

have no intention of doing so . If you want help and will take suggestions then take them , but stop making excuses for HIM and why your ALLOWING him to abuse YOU and why its been ok all these yrs for your daughter to see it and witness it. Your daughter has been taught that its ok for men to treat women like a door mat . Your right , your daughter will love him, however do you not think she will hate him as well ? Do you not think might not respect you for allowing yourself to be treated this way ??

Honey , ive been where you are and it does you NO GOOD at all for someone to sit here and stroke your back and say "its all gonna be ok " it WONT IF YOU STAY !!!!!!!!! It will if you leave. There is a saying I heard a long time ago, " I would much rather be alone than be with someone and be Lonely " right now your w/ someone and lonely .

Stand up and stop being a door mat for him to walk and and teach your daughter to be a strong young woman that she and YOU can be and teach her how she deserves to be treated !

Mindy

[coltonwade 27]

I was in a very bad situation with a man---he told me I was fat every day--5'8"--170lbs--yeah crazy--but I believed it---I have suffered for 15 years---312lbs was my top-----don't let a man have any power over your happiness--get out--take proof of the abuse---get a lawyer---take every thing he owns--it is yours you built it---and make HIM start over--the next post we see from you should be --you are living with your mom and you have a lawyer who will take him for a ride!---do this now--you are still young at 45---you are starting a new life with the band----you had this surgery to make your live better---it will never be better no matter how thin you are if you stay with this man----trust me i know

Crazy has a good point i wanted to make earlier. WHY are you waiting for HIM to see if he's filed for divorce ?

you said he " SAID" He got divorce papers ? He didnt , its a mind game .

SO dont wait for him to do it , he wont , he's too weak , go file those papers, stop allowing HIM to have control over you !

Mindy

[IndioGirl55 32]

Indigo, my husband and I are 45. Neither of us are involved with anyone else, been there, done that. Its easy to be strong when its in hind sight, going through it, is another story. I know I would be better off without him, I know would be happier out of this marriage, I just don't know why I'm choosing to stay. Time will tell.

Ladies - see Beau's response to me - She is asking for support for a situtation which none of us are going to support give her the support that she want's "telling her to hang in there ' it's going to be ok"

I know how upset we are that she isn't ready to listen - but just like she isn't going to change him - we aren't going to change her.

Do as i did - wish her luck (and boy is she going to need it) and let her learn the hard way - i gues sometimes that the only way you learn.

but you would think that at 45 - she would be a little more open to advice... But it is what it is...

[coltonwade 27]

I am not saying I wont or dont support her, I do know how hard it is to be in this situation . However, I also know that if someone had told me " I am not going to help you if you wont help yourself " instead of " its going to be ok " or a little more tough love I might not have stayed for 3 yrs.

My cousin is in an abusive realtionship right now , she called me and told me tonight as a matter of fact and told me she's gotta go to court with her husband for when she called the police on him for kicking her , she was laughing about it. Im sorry i told her i dont find that funny at ALL .

She's not ready to leave .

I guess what I am trying to say is I will listen , support , help , give advice, but at the same time I will tell it like it is and not beat around the bush .

Maybe I need to work on how I say it ? But that comes from ME being pushed around and holding my tounge for yrs . I dont tend to do that anymore.

My other point i guess is it seemed like she came here for help or support but is not really wanting it ? maybe she it will help to hear what she says.

SO BEAU this is for you : Go back and read your posts and your answers as if they were your friend , and think how they sound as if they were someone else. See what YOU would tell that friend. I think you might think of things differently ??

I am here if you need anything. But like i said I wont baby anyone of my friends. I dont think that does anyone any good. I will however work on how I say things ....

Mindy

[want2beme 2]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's hard to leave when your esteem is at an all time low. I have a feeling that your life will change in the next year or two though. After losing weight, and even during, your esteem will grow. I have only lost about 40% of what I want to lose, but I have seen a world of difference in myself. Shit, I'm dating already... something I thought I'd see after 100 #s gone and a few surgeries to fix the saggy areas! haha... It's hard to describe how losing weight changes your life, but it does. In every way. You already made the decision to put yourself first by having this surgery. Don't worry, you can get through it even if you do have to do it by yourself. When you are healed and ready to get exercising, DO IT. You'll know in your heart what changes you'll have to make next.

[IndioGirl55 32]

I am not saying I wont or dont support her, I do know how hard it is to be in this situation . However, I also know that if someone had told me " I am not going to help you if you wont help yourself " instead of " its going to be ok " or a little more tough love I might not have stayed for 3 yrs.

My cousin is in an abusive realtionship right now , she called me and told me tonight as a matter of fact and told me she's gotta go to court with her husband for when she called the police on him for kicking her , she was laughing about it. Im sorry i told her i dont find that funny at ALL .

She's not ready to leave .

I guess what I am trying to say is I will listen , support , help , give advice, but at the same time I will tell it like it is and not beat around the bush .

Maybe I need to work on how I say it ? But that comes from ME being pushed around and holding my tounge for yrs . I dont tend to do that anymore.

My other point i guess is it seemed like she came here for help or support but is not really wanting it ? maybe she it will help to hear what she says.

SO BEAU this is for you : Go back and read your posts and your answers as if they were your friend , and think how they sound as if they were someone else. See what YOU would tell that friend. I think you might think of things differently ??

I am here if you need anything. But like i said I wont baby anyone of my friends. I dont think that does anyone any good. I will however work on how I say things ....

Mindy

Mindy

I agree with you 100% - You said it fine - I didn't read anything offensive - I just don't think she is ready, she want's that pat on the back telling her it's ok. Which you or i arent' going to do.. I spoke my thoughts as did you and her response have been - I'm staying waiting it out - We can talk til we are blue in the face - but if she's not ready to listen be pro-active about her sistuation - Then all our talk is wasted...

It's hard to leave - we both know that - I did it you did it - It's doable but only if you want to - she tells me hindsite is 20-20 - well ya but i got out - I refuse to let anyone mistreat me - belittle me - hit me - mane me. I am a woman who deserves to be treated with respect - Her DH has no respect for her.

[beau 0]

Ok......I'm feeling a bit bombarded here. Answer to why I'm waiting for the lawyer, because I just spent $5000. less than three years ago on the same process and didn't follow through, I'd rather just sell everything privately, then deal with what I have to after that. Every letter a lawyer sends is about $100. you start bickering about the stupid stuff and it costs. I am not interested in taking anyone for a ride, I'll take my half and what is mine. The whole point of this thread was to get support from the "support group" after my surgery since I'm not getting any at home. Healing is my priority right now, and I don't think turning my world upside down is going to improve my chances. I am two weeks post op and have infection in my port incision, I will be returning to my clinic in a few weeks for my first fill which is a 10 hour drive. When I'm well, I'll decide my future, I have a long road to well.

[coltonwade 27]

Ok......I'm feeling a bit bombarded here. Answer to why I'm waiting for the lawyer, because I just spent $5000. less than three years ago on the same process and didn't follow through, I'd rather just sell everything privately, then deal with what I have to after that. Every letter a lawyer sends is about $100. you start bickering about the stupid stuff and it costs. I am not interested in taking anyone for a ride, I'll take my half and what is mine. The whole point of this thread was to get support from the "support group" after my surgery since I'm not getting any at home. Healing is my priority right now, and I don't think turning my world upside down is going to improve my chances. I am two weeks post op and have infection in my port incision, I will be returning to my clinic in a few weeks for my first fill which is a 10 hour drive. When I'm well, I'll decide my future, I have a long road to well.

Beau , please do not feel bombarded , that is not our intention . Like I said before it would do you no good to sit here and tell you what you want to hear. Im here for your support. i agree you need to work on healing first. And I think you did a HUGE first step by doing the surgery , espically since it seems like your husband didnt want you to do it or wasn't supporting you in it. We ARE here for you , we just do not want ( I guess I should say I ) I do not want to see you get hurt anymore than you already are.

I think as you loose the weight and gain confidience you will start to see that. So I am sorry if i hurt your feelings. That was not my intention .

feel free to vent and ask for support. I will tell you like it is , how i see it , i will however work on my delievery , i tend to be a bit crass sometimes.

Love

mindy

[lessnless 1]

My dear friend spent years in an unhappy marriage, only leaving after HE found someone else.

She spent months being miserable, but finally picked herself up and started building something from the shambles. Three years after her divorce she's happily re-married to the perfect flowers-for-no-reason, suprise-her-with-plane-tickets, great-sex husband.

(WE ALL HATE HER.... She knows it....)

The longer you stay in an unhappy relationship, the less time you have to build a happy life. On your deathbed, do you think anyone will care why you stayed? Will you?

What if YOUR Prince Charming is just around the corner? Wouldn't that just kill your "First Husband"?:faint:

"THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL"...

[Marimaru 7]

I think it's definitely the right choice to get well after your surgery before turning your world upside down. But take the time to reflect on a few things to... what does he do for you that makes you feel like it would be too hard on your own? What does he do for you that you CAN'T do for yourself? I think that when you can answer questions like that to yourself, you'll be more ready to move on. There are probably a few things he does that you don't do, but that doesn't mean you can't. Also, if you own a business with him, and you opt out during the proceedings, he should be buying your half of the business from you, which (if paid) would leave you a nice little nest egg, I think.

Get that infection taken care of. Don't let it linger! They don't go away on their own without care, so please have it looked at if you haven't.

*hugs*