Unfriendly Friends

[ShineNSta 0]

I think it is a good thing to discuss how the surgery will affect your relationships with other people because it isn't just you going through changes..the people who are your friends and family will be impacted on the changes and subjected to the emotional rollercoaster too...just because your self confidance will increase does not mean that you would write off your friends - only someone really shallow would do that. I think your friend was out of line saying that you willl become a snob...if smeone said that to me I would have said something too! As you said though MSN does tend to cause arguements because people do speak their mind about things they wouldn't normally say in public... it is also harder to interpret the emotion in text. I think its important you and your friend sit down and nut out what happened... if this is upsetting you both so much it needs to be resolved sooner rather than later!

[Ginaki 0]

Thanx Jessica,

I didnt get upset cause she said ill be a snob, cause this friend and i are very close,we spend every day together when our kids are at school.,, shes voiceing her concern, she is quite a character because prior to our msn chat she said i better not turn into a snob cause she will slap me to my senses,,,,she is excited for my transformation she cant wait till we share our clothes......

we will resolve this in the next few days, definetly,, we dont hold grudges....

[Gone4Now 4]

Hi Voondahbah.. having been on the other end (the friend supporting another who has lap band surgery) I can understand a little how others would feel. I would sincerely hope your friend was joking when she said what she said but it is always possible that she could be semi-serious about it. My own best friend of 10 years had lap band surgery about 3 years ago. When she got the surgery I was happy for her...but secretly felt jealous knowing that she was going to be dropping the weight where I couldn't. I knew it was silly to think like that but I think it was my competitive side - you always compare youself to your best friend and she was a huge motivator for me in all facets of life - work, relationships..even weight! Eventually I got over myself and once I got used to seeing her getting smaller the jealousy vanished. Change takes time to get used to..if your friends really care for you they will come around eventually... Maybe this will be an opportunity for you and your friend to join a gym together and get fit with one another?

Hi there! I think she was semi-serious. I am hoping that as I lose weight she'll cut back. Although, as she sees me taking it easy, and not scarfing down my food like before, she's said things like, "I'll never get the lap-band! I could never do that to myself." Ugg. I love her so much, but I can't take much of that. What's worse? Being 300 lbs, or not eating what you want? I don't say that, but just shrug and tell her how much I'm loving it.

I'm still crossing my fingers that as I keep losing, she'll become a part of it with me. I think I just have to be patient. We've been friends for a long time, so I think I can roll with the punches for a while. It's just tough when you need support from friends and can't get it. I want to shout and jump and scream out how happy I am, and I can't...I need to tame it down. That's the hard part!

[luvdband 0]

I have friends that my relationship revolves around 'let's go out and have dinner'...

Now, those friends are not so eager to do that anymore... I suspect my lack of gorging is going to amke them self conscious about eating themselves... hmmm

..but I still want to go out..

[mmcbelle 0]

I read these posts and think about my relationship with my best friend. I have always been the fat one, but the confident and self assured one (go figure). We had 18 months of approval process to help with the acceptance of this process for both of us. Now we do have the conversaions about my getting skinnier. I say skinnier because I have always been more fit and healthy, evan at 80 lbs heavier than her. She has high BP, thyroid issues, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and takes meds for all. Anyway we do some joking back and forth and I find it is important for her to know that even though I will weigh less than her at some point, she is still my friend. She has an unspoken fear that I will leave her behind and it is a valid fear, how many people have been left behind in the wake of someone becoming a more fit and confident person. Just like in any relationship there will be tests of the relationship. Both parties have to be able to express themselves (nice if it is tactful). We are still individuals. I think your friends (the really close ones) may have issues expressing that they are afraid for thier potential loss. I have gone from concentrating on those around me to concentrating on myself and that is a HUGE change and scary for those left in my wake. Relationships grow stronger because of overcome obsitcles, not because they are easy. I have implemented what I call the "No friend left behind" program in my life. I remind my friends that what we do will change, we will continue to be friends and ask them if I can eat from their plate:biggrin1:.

Sure your relationships will change because you are changing. Your friends think they have you figured out and bam you go changing on them. Your friends will come around and so will you, if you both want to have a relationship. You have to decide if you want to share the hurt that your friends (knowingly or not) may cause you. Remember it is your new path that is causing the change and it is difficult for us humans to adjust to change.

Be patient with those friends, you are not the only one going through changes.

I was going to apologize for being such a pollyanna, but I rethought and won't. Sometimes you need a pollyanna in your life:).

Happy banding,

MMT

[Scarlett O'hara 0]

I told 2 of my eating buddies yesterday that I am on my road to getting this surgery. They spent the next hour telling me the horror stories of the one person they know who had this, and how every one they know who has lost weight looks sickly and strung out.

I am not going to talk to them anymore about it. I have to do what is right for me and my family.

Rowan

[Suzzzie. 3]

My friendship of 16 years (we've been as close as sisters since we were 14 years old!) is changing and I HATE it!

She still weighs less than me, but we now weight the same. I'm several inches taller, it makes a difference.

When I first told her I was wanting surgery she was all for it. Then as the date got closer she seemed like she was interested in getting surgery too... then discovered that her insurence won't cover it. That is when she became a bit bitter about it. She started making comments about how she was just going to exercise and eat healthy "...you know, I'm oing to do it the actual hard and healthy way." I about spit a nail at her!

It hasn't gotten better as I"ve lost. ANd she is now having thyroid issues and is haing it removed in a few days. She says to me "So thats why I'm so fat! I have a bad thyroid! Once it's gone I'll be skinnier than you!" (Mind you, I'm a size 26/28! - not that hard to be skinnier than that!)

ANd she will call all of our other friends and go out to dinner and stuff... she never calls me! We used to eat dinner out about once a week! WHen I ask her why she doesn't want to eat with me she says "Oh I don't want you to feel bad that you can't eat anything." WTH? More like she doesn't want to feel bad that I eat LESS than her!

It makes me so angry and so sad. We've been friends for over half of our lives and I never imangined that we'd not be friends someday... but she is totally pulling away from me. I try to talk to her about it and she says that she just has alot going on (with her thyroid) and that once she is feeling better things will balance out. I"m not sure how... I know she is counting on the whole thyroid thing to 'balance' out her weight.

OK. Have I ranted about this long enough yet!?!?!?!

[Cerrin 3]

why dont you ask them to go out for dinner. then They will know you can still go out with them.

I know with one of my friends I didnt want to ask her to go out for food because she couldnt eat a lot of things. Then she called me and asked me out somewhere and we went out and talked about it. and sh told me she can still eat out just not the food she used to eat. So now we go out like we used to.

[ShineNSta 0]

My friendship of 16 years (we've been as close as sisters since we were 14 years old!) is changing and I HATE it!

She still weighs less than me, but we now weight the same. I'm several inches taller, it makes a difference.

When I first told her I was wanting surgery she was all for it. Then as the date got closer she seemed like she was interested in getting surgery too... then discovered that her insurence won't cover it. That is when she became a bit bitter about it. She started making comments about how she was just going to exercise and eat healthy "...you know, I'm oing to do it the actual hard and healthy way." I about spit a nail at her!

It hasn't gotten better as I"ve lost. ANd she is now having thyroid issues and is haing it removed in a few days. She says to me "So thats why I'm so fat! I have a bad thyroid! Once it's gone I'll be skinnier than you!" (Mind you, I'm a size 26/28! - not that hard to be skinnier than that!)

ANd she will call all of our other friends and go out to dinner and stuff... she never calls me! We used to eat dinner out about once a week! WHen I ask her why she doesn't want to eat with me she says "Oh I don't want you to feel bad that you can't eat anything." WTH? More like she doesn't want to feel bad that I eat LESS than her!

It makes me so angry and so sad. We've been friends for over half of our lives and I never imangined that we'd not be friends someday... but she is totally pulling away from me. I try to talk to her about it and she says that she just has alot going on (with her thyroid) and that once she is feeling better things will balance out. I"m not sure how... I know she is counting on the whole thyroid thing to 'balance' out her weight.

OK. Have I ranted about this long enough yet!?!?!?!

Suzzzie..what about if you pick the restaurant for going out? Or alternatively hold a dinner at your place for you and your friends - that way you can choose what to cook and your friend won't have an excuse not to come? Maybe if you invite other people to the social gathering your friend will come because she won't want to feel left out.

[TracyinKS 7]

Unfortunately sometimes those closest to us are our worst sabatours. Just like other life events..... death, divorce, having kids..... sometimes the relationship doesn't survive. You are shaking THEIR comfort zone, by being a success at something they may not be able too... also as the pounds come off and you start seeing results YOU will feel BETTER about yourself and that empowerment might threaten their ALPHA role in the relationship.........

Good Luck with your friend.

[TulipStar 2]

All of my real friends are normal weight. I have always been the fat one, so none of them are feeling jealous or in competition with me.

I do have some acquaintances who have been very curious about my weight loss and seem to want to see me fail. they always try to feed me or get me to go eat with them.

Your friend is just probably feeling the heat and said something she shouldn't have said. Since you have been bf for so long, I would let it pass. If she says something hurtful again I would confront her and let her know that its hurtful. If it continues I would distance myself. You are going through enough without having to feel guilty about losing weight!!

My BFF for 17 years knew about my surgery and hasn't even called me since it was 6 weeks ago to see how it went. I guess she just assumes. She also has 4 small kids and is a busy mom, so I forgive her, but it does hurt that she hasn't even asked. She lives on the east coast, so we don't see eachother much (once a year). She weighs maybe 100lbs, so weight has never been an issue for her.

[Suzzzie. 3]

Suzzzie..what about if you pick the restaurant for going out? Or alternatively hold a dinner at your place for you and your friends - that way you can choose what to cook and your friend won't have an excuse not to come? Maybe if you invite other people to the social gathering your friend will come because she won't want to feel left out.

I've done that actually. But when I was done eating after only about 4 bites (right after a tight fill) she got all bad moody on me. I tried to pretend like IW as still eating... I cut up my whole plate of food into tiny bites and pushed it around my plate and would put the littlest of nibbles on the fork and play with it in my mouth. Lol. Overall she is just upset that her insurence won't cover the surgery and she doesn't want to be the 'fat' one.

[Dozy 3]

Some people just don't take to change well. They like it the way it's aways been and when that dynamic is threatened they rebel and repel.

Those who are large, seem to be definitely envious, especially those whose insurance won't cover the surgery. They want soooo much to be in your shoes, or for you guys to buddy in the weight loss... but change is happening.

It's very difficult for some to be happy for others when the change is that dramatic.

Like in divorce... those who used to be friends with the married couple are not split over whom to associate with... no matter how long the friendship.

In weight change friendships... many people feel powerful when they believe they one-up someone else by their looks. As if suddenly, that power will either evaporate, or change, or even be transferred. That powerful one, if he/she doesn't know how to deal with that change, will live a life of resentment and that friendship may be doomed.

I lost several what I thought were close friends when I started gaining weight. I lost a friend (she and I were pregnant together) and she lost her child. Though we remained somewhat friends during her next pregnancy, she ended up saying something about mine that cut through me like a knife... I asked her to clarify what she meant and she meant what she said and the friendship was over.

So, I decided not to tell any of my friends. I'll just say I'm on Atkins or something and that will be that. If for any reason surgery pops-up, I can confidently say, "Of course I didn't have Gastric Bypass Surgery, that's wayyyy too radical for me." No one things of banding first! I could even say that I decided to go to a Nutritionist who put me on a diet, and I joined a gym. I'm not in the mood to be teased or to test their friendships. Maybe I'll come clean in 2 to 3 years, maybe I won't.

As for banding surgery being "cheating to lose weight", HA, they don't know. They don't have a clue. Heck, I didn't have a clue and I thought I researched it thoroughly.

Good luck everyone and I hope your friendships survive and become renewed. If you need a friend in Pennsylvania, I'm in South Central. Would love to hear from anyone in Maryland, too. Maybe we can be new buddies?

[Linda TT 0]

omg yes i'm not even banded yet and my best friend is totally against it. I guess all we have in common is being fat.lolI think the old saying you find out who your friends are....is so true in this situation

[Dozy 3]

Oh, she's probably a very good friend, she just doesn't know how to deal with "being left behind".

I mentioned my surgery only to acquaintances (like my dentist and her staff, a teacher of mine, a few nurses I know) and because they did not have that "friendship" closeness to me, they were very supportive, even talking about people they knew, or articles they had read, and ever single one of them asked me to come back and tell them how I was doing, how it was, so that they can help others.

But a friend, that person in your "inner circle", just doesn't seem to take it well... especially if you both are large. I'm sure they would be very support in almost anything other area except appearance.

I haven't been challenged in that friend position, and though I sure would hope I'd be encouraging, if it were a year ago when I was thinking about this process, or 2 years ago, when my low was even lower, I'm sure I'd feel jealous and a bit left-behind, too.

I know that in the future, I'll probably experience, "Why didn't you tell us?" questions and all I can come up with is, "I was afraid it would change our friendship." Maybe I am wrong for not saying anything, maybe my friends are different, and I'll ask for forgiveness.

But seriously, my family doesn't even know, like my mother and brother. I'm sure as spit that I'd get even more heartache from them. They've never been supportive people.

Most people, after the fact, would say, "but I would have been there for you"... but the real answer is, "yes, perhaps in other circumstances, but in this one, you probably would have been against me.".... "and I just didn't want to take that chance, I needed everything positive around me, so I just said nothing." AND saying nothing is not laying, it's just being private.

Even though you have friends who are large, each has their own personal story and struggle. By you choosing Banding is like your last chance at life (that's where I'm at). Some large people may not be at that stage. They may have resigned to the fact that they are large and happy. That's not me. I love people who are confident no matter what they look like. We all have our own personal reasons for having this specific surgery and this specific weight loss tool. We've learned that it isn't magic either... but heck, I have to matter to me sometime,... and I've decided that I matter now and for the next year or two, I am coming first.