I didn't think I'd feel this way. Vent.

[Guest]

Im 28, from the UK. I had the sleeve on January 17th. Ive lost around 80 lbs, another 20 ish to goal. Loosing very slowly now but im fine with that as im building muscle too.

I've had a long complicated history with food and weight which included bulimia in my teens. I'd say up until surgery I was still an emotional eater despite having many years of therapy.

Since getting this surgery I've had ups and downs. But overall I feel as though I've finally gotten some consistency in terms of eating and my weight. I feel normal. Im going the gym regularly and focusing on eating healthily not just low calorie. Im actually running. I'd never even been to the gym before my surgery as I was too self conscious.

I still hate my body though. I was expecting loose skin but im not sure I appreciated the feelings that would come with it. I feel like I look like I've melted. I hate looking in the mirror. Today I've been off work sick (unrelated infection)- im usually busy all the time. I've found myself just preoccupied with my own thoughts all day. I actually ended up crying briefly which is unusual for me.

Don't get me wrong. Im so grateful that I am no longer clinically obese and that I will hopefully avoid all the medical complications that I'm sure I would have had, should I have not had this surgery. Im just struggling to be happy. I feel a huge amount of guilt around this. So many people would love to be in my position. In the last few weeks I've actually entered a normal weight (24.9). I know I've achieved so much but I just thought I'd be happier about it.

My parents have offered to fund plastics for me ( ive been researching and hoping this is something I could do next year on finance), having paid half of my sleeve already. Again I just feel guilt instead of greatfulness. Im a grown woman with a job and a mortgage. I feel I should be supporting them, not still the other way around.

I'd love to try to have children, one of the reasons for my decision to get the sleeve. Im not sure that a Tummy Tuck is a good idea if I want to actively try for this, or that a surgeon would either, but also cant imagine living this way for the next few years. Im not sure it will even happen. I havent even had sex with my partner for around 6 months, the thought of it (my own body) makes me feel horrible. I just feel very conflicted.

I'm not sure I'll even be happy if I get the plastics I want. What if I just start focusing on another area I'm unhappy with.

I'm a psyc nurse so I know it's all about mindset and that there are clearly underlying issues with the way I feel about myself. I know I'd advise anyone that therapy is the way to go but I've already done it all. Im also well aware that there are no magic answers, therapy could go on for years with no change and that the provision of further therapy in the UK would be costly. Im feeling quite hopeless. I have made huge progress in terms of my own mental health since my teens. I guess just not as much as I thought.

[apu 84]

I'm getting a tone of some underlying anxiety and depression in your post. Since you have already been down the counselling road you should talk to your GP and see if a trial of SSRI would not be helpful. Best wishes.

Edited September 15, 2017 by apu

[James Marusek 5,244]

Congratulations on losing 80 pounds and getting your BMI in the normal range. Although I had some hanging skin after weight loss, it doesn't really bother me. It is generally below my belt and unless I was butt naked, no one except my wife would notice. But maybe it is because I am a man. I did notice that after surgery, I dropped from a size 3X down to a size small in shirts and from a size 46 down to a size 33 in pants, that I liked clothes again. This weight loss meant that I could shop in department stores again and replace my wardrobe with the latest fashions. I enjoyed this immensely.

[shedo82773 1,236]

Hon, you are not alone in this!! You are quite a bit younger than me, (I am 61) talk about a melted body!! I look like a candle that has not only melted but I have run in a pool. LOL, I'll bet that more than NOT people struggle with these issues. The feelings that you have are so normal!! You just never know, your skin could bounce back faster than me at 61. As far as not feeling happy is just part of the growth we need to do. I had my RNY on July 2, 2013, I got to my goal weight in 6 months. So I actually have maintained my weight loss for 3 and 1/2 years. Sadly, I have gained back 8#'s But...I really did lose too much. In fact, my Dr. said he was glad that I had finally stopped losing. Am I happy about my gain? NOPE!!! But it is a whole lot less than 4 years ago. After 2 years of maintaining I had a PANNI done. The Plastic Surgeon removed 10 plus pounds of skin/fat etc. I am not very happy with my results. But for the actual removal of the bottom of my tummy, I am happy. But...now I need Lipo on my upper stomach. Which my PS would be happy to do more at a different time. He said he would give me a break on the cost. He said he would do my LIPO and a breast lift for $6,000. I am not happy with him at this time. He didn't follow thru with what he had said. He told me he would pull everything to the front and remove that along with my front removal. That didn't happen. Anyway, now that I have written a book I'm sorry. My hubby said something that opened my eyes. He told me that I would never be fine with my body that it didn 't matter what I had done I would always want more done!! You know what maybe he is right. I would suggest that you research and make sure that you do what is best for you. Good Luck

[Berry78 4,261]

12 hours ago, shedo82773 said:

He told me that I would never be fine with my body that it didn 't matter what I had done I would always want more done!!

This is exactly what I was going to say to Oompa Lumpa.

Oompa... you have a lifetime of being unhappy with your body. Surgery, no surgery..obese, not obese.. it won't make a difference.

I recommend putting off plastics until you are finished having children. Don't pile on more guilt by borrowing money from family to do a procedure that won't make you happy anyway.

It's time to switch your focus away from how you LOOK to what you can DO. If you are working out, focus on walking a bit farther on the treadmill or lifting a bit more weight. Focus on doing a great job at work, and fixing that thing in your home that's been put off.

There are so many other things in life to concentrate on, that it's time to put your body image on the backburner. (Hopefully you've used your post-surgical time to create new eating habits that are now second nature, thus require very little thought).

[makemyownluck 785]

I know exactly how you feel, and I think it's common for anyone who is obese or who used to be obese. It's a combination of our actual thoughts and societal standards making us feel guilty for not being perfect.

I feel deflated, and I still have 100lbs to lose! I do plan to (somehow) have plastics, I need a total overhaul - arms, Tummy Tuck, thigh lift, breast lift and augmentation.... which just sounds miserable to actually DO. And to go through all of that, I already know, I will find something not to life. An asymmetrical scar or something insignificant and I fear going into the rabbit hole of plastics because I already know I'll always be able to pick myself apart and find something else that needs to be "fixed".

I can't tell you how to end thoughts like that, but I would echo what others have said and say focus on what you CAN do now that you've lost this weight, and also talk to your doc about getting on an anti-depressant. I take Zoloft and it really does calm the voice in my head and allow me to enjoy the journey.

I also try to remind myself that my body is AMAZING. It has bounced back from all I've put it through, and I want to take better care of it so it can continue to amaze me as I get older.

Just know, you aren't alone thinking this way.

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

Uk also, also history of bulimia. I am sorry your having a hard time. I am 213 right now. I am shocked to find at this weight and your at my goal weight ish (135) you are still met with saggy skin , I will prepare myself. i havent lost much but i put my ams in the air to flap around to show my mum what i will have in the future and with a hw of 244 i already got flappy arms that wasnt there a few weeks ago lol wish the world luck

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

21 hours ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

Im 28, from the UK. I had the sleeve on January 17th. Ive lost around 80 lbs, another 20 ish to goal. Loosing very slowly now but im fine with that as im building muscle too.

I've had a long complicated history with food and weight which included bulimia in my teens. I'd say up until surgery I was still an emotional eater despite having many years of therapy.

Since getting this surgery I've had ups and downs. But overall I feel as though I've finally gotten some consistency in terms of eating and my weight. I feel normal. Im going the gym regularly and focusing on eating healthily not just low calorie. Im actually running. I'd never even been to the gym before my surgery as I was too self conscious.

I still hate my body though. I was expecting loose skin but im not sure I appreciated the feelings that would come with it. I feel like I look like I've melted. I hate looking in the mirror. Today I've been off work sick (unrelated infection)- im usually busy all the time. I've found myself just preoccupied with my own thoughts all day. I actually ended up crying briefly which is unusual for me.

Don't get me wrong. Im so grateful that I am no longer clinically obese and that I will hopefully avoid all the medical complications that I'm sure I would have had, should I have not had this surgery. Im just struggling to be happy. I feel a huge amount of guilt around this. So many people would love to be in my position. In the last few weeks I've actually entered a normal weight (24.9). I know I've achieved so much but I just thought I'd be happier about it.

My parents have offered to fund plastics for me ( ive been researching and hoping this is something I could do next year on finance), having paid half of my sleeve already. Again I just feel guilt instead of greatfulness. Im a grown woman with a job and a mortgage. I feel I should be supporting them, not still the other way around.

I'd love to try to have children, one of the reasons for my decision to get the sleeve. Im not sure that a Tummy Tuck is a good idea if I want to actively try for this, or that a surgeon would either, but also cant imagine living this way for the next few years. Im not sure it will even happen. I havent even had sex with my partner for around 6 months, the thought of it (my own body) makes me feel horrible. I just feel very conflicted.

I'm not sure I'll even be happy if I get the plastics I want. What if I just start focusing on another area I'm unhappy with.

I'm a psyc nurse so I know it's all about mindset and that there are clearly underlying issues with the way I feel about myself. I know I'd advise anyone that therapy is the way to go but I've already done it all. Im also well aware that there are no magic answers, therapy could go on for years with no change and that the provision of further therapy in the UK would be costly. Im feeling quite hopeless. I have made huge progress in terms of my own mental health since my teens. I guess just not as much as I thought.

I personally would not have a TT till after kids, I dont know the science, but i have had two and the amount of stretch is unreal and magical lol

Edited September 15, 2017 by dreamingsmall

[Rainbow_Warrior 996]

23 hours ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

I havent even had sex with my partner for around 6 months, the thought of it (my own body) makes me feel horrible. I just feel very conflicted.

There's one very important person you need to have the frankest of conversations with ... NOW.

You need to gauge his feelings and commitment. My wife and I have had this conversation a few times and we are enjoying that we are both getting lighter/healthier.

Be very wary that you have had the sex-"tap" off for so long. Do something before the weekend is out!

[Guest]

I'm getting a tone of some underlying anxiety and depression in your post. Since you have already been down the counselling road you should talk to your GP and see if a trial of SSRI would not be helpful. Best wishes.

Thanks you everyone for your replies. I think I was having a particularly rough day and being off work sick had not helped my mindset.

Apu. Im not sure this is biological depression and wonder if it's emotional and around myself esteem. Although I understand why it comes across this way. I stopped taking antidepressants a few months ago after finding them very helpful following a period two years ago when I was depressed. I feel I've moved on greatly since this. I've not really noticed any dips in other areas of my life and over all am functioning.

Congratulations on losing 80 pounds and getting your BMI in the normal range. Although I had some hanging skin after weight loss, it doesn't really bother me. It is generally below my belt and unless I was butt naked, no one except my wife would notice. But maybe it is because I am a man. I did notice that after surgery, I dropped from a size 3X down to a size small in shirts and from a size 46 down to a size 33 in pants, that I liked clothes again. This weight loss meant that I could shop in department stores again and replace my wardrobe with the latest fashions. I enjoyed this immensely.

You sound like yiu have done brilliantly James. I am trying very hard to focus on my achievements. I love that I can shop in normal stores again, im getting back onto clothes I haven't worn for years. I wonder if I am focusing on comparing myself to others too much (especially at the gym).

Hon, you are not alone in this!! You are quite a bit younger than me, (I am 61) talk about a melted body!! I look like a candle that has not only melted but I have run in a pool. LOL, I'll bet that more than NOT people struggle with these issues. The feelings that you have are so normal!! You just never know, your skin could bounce back faster than me at 61. As far as not feeling happy is just part of the growth we need to do. I had my RNY on July 2, 2013, I got to my goal weight in 6 months. So I actually have maintained my weight loss for 3 and 1/2 years. Sadly, I have gained back 8#'s But...I really did lose too much. In fact, my Dr. said he was glad that I had finally stopped losing. Am I happy about my gain? NOPE!!! But it is a whole lot less than 4 years ago. After 2 years of maintaining I had a PANNI done. The Plastic Surgeon removed 10 plus pounds of skin/fat etc. I am not very happy with my results. But for the actual removal of the bottom of my tummy, I am happy. But...now I need Lipo on my upper stomach. Which my PS would be happy to do more at a different time. He said he would give me a break on the cost. He said he would do my LIPO and a breast lift for $6,000. I am not happy with him at this time. He didn't follow thru with what he had said. He told me he would pull everything to the front and remove that along with my front removal. That didn't happen. Anyway, now that I have written a book I'm sorry. My hubby said something that opened my eyes. He told me that I would never be fine with my body that it didn 't matter what I had done I would always want more done!! You know what maybe he is right. I would suggest that you research and make sure that you do what is best for you. Good Luck

I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who isn't loving every aspect of my new bod. I think you're husband sounds supportive and perhaps he was right. At the moment I still feel as if I would like the tummy done longer term (its quite a significant overhang already despite me only losing 80lbs so far) but I wonder if I should rethink other srugeries I was considering. I'll never be perfect

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[Guest]

Berry78, I know you are right. I would like to discuss with a surgeon about the Tummy Tuck pre children. Realistically It could take me years to be done and I wonder if there are other options (e.g. pani) which I could explore prior to this. If the surgeon says to wait then I will take their advice. I need to remember why I chose to have this operation in the first place. I wanted health and family and I'm well on my way to achieving this.

Makemyownluck - it sounds as if we are in a similar place. If I had money I'd be dangerous in regard to plastics! Maybe it's a blessing that that's a limitation. It will certainly force me to have to spend a long time considering my suitability for the procedure. I think tomorrow I will make a pro's and cons list of the reasons for wanting surgery. I would love to be happy as I am but can't imagine it at this point. Maybe this is just part of the journey getting used to our new bodies? It's possible that we could move through this stage into an acceptance (hopefully!).

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[Guest]

Dreamingsmall - I wouldn't worry yet until you see how your own body responds. Everyone's skin is different. I have 100lbs to loose and my perception is that I have significant loose skin. I've been told before by surgeons that my skin isn't great (history of breast list in 2011) and I'm an ex smoker which wouldn't have helped. Everyone is different though. It's all subjective too remember. Whilst I think my skin is bad, im also aware that there will be others who would view it as less significant. I have actually been watching videos on YouTube (they're called skin flicks haha) which is giving me some more perspective. There seem to be many people with issues with their skin, some worse than mine, some not as bad. Overall though as an outsider I still think they're all beautiful and have achieved so much. I need to learn to apply the same view to myself!

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[Guest]

There's one very important person you need to have the frankest of conversations with ... NOW.
You need to gauge his feelings and commitment. My wife and I have had this conversation a few times and we are enjoying that we are both getting lighter/healthier.
Be very wary that you have had the sex-"tap" off for so long. Do something before the weekend is out!

Thanks rainbow warrior. I have been very worried about this. I've discussed it with my partner who is very supportive. He would obviously prefer me to be ready "to go" again but isn't pressuring me at all. Im hoping that continuing to go to they gym will help my confidence but maybe I should make a concerted effort to focus on spending time together regardless of how I'm feeling about my looks. Hopefully if I can focus on this the rest may follow.

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[Rainbow_Warrior 996]

38 minutes ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

maybe I should make a concerted effort to focus on spending time together regardless of how I'm feeling about my looks. Hopefully if I can focus on this the rest may follow.

There's more than one way to skin the proverbial cat, Oompa Lumps. And there's more than one way to seek intimate pleasure. Nudge, nudge ...

[James Marusek 5,244]

8 hours ago, Oompa Lumpa said:

You sound like yiu have done brilliantly James. I am trying very hard to focus on my achievements. I love that I can shop in normal stores again, im getting back onto clothes I haven't worn for years. I wonder if I am focusing on comparing myself to others too much (especially at the gym).

Perhaps. I think clothes helps us look good. Without them, I think most people would look ugly. So the next time you visit a grocery store, imagine everyone without clothes (either that or visit a nudist colony). So don't beat yourself up on a little extra skin, it is what is inside that really counts.