80% Divorce Rate!!!!!!!!!

[lapbander081004 7]

I'm really confused. When I got married I was told I could have 16 more wives??? 4 better 4 worse 4 sicker and 4 poorer. Hmmmmmmmmmm did they change the rules???

[ShrinkingViolet 1]

I wonder if it's a number the doctor just pulled out his a--. Sorry to be blunt and skeptical (I am by nature) but it seems like the kind of statistic that would get media attention, especially with weight loss surgery rising considerably among the population (seems like there would be a concurrent rise then in the overall divorce rate). I've also never read anything about that--it would mean 8 out of 10 patients who have WLS get divorced. That is just astronomical.

I do believe weight loss surgery results in some people getting divorced; I've read about it on other boards. But I think there are other underlying reasons. For example, one woman posted that her husband had cheated on her through thirteen years of marriage but because of her obesity she blamed herself and lacked confidence to do anything. After surgery and weight loss, she left because she realized she wasn't to blame and deserved better.

Another guy said his wife apparently was attracted to "dependent" personalities and when he lost weight he was no longer a dependent/needy person and she couldn't deal with her "loss of stature".

My husband has stayed with me literally through thick and thin, and I expect he'll stay here when/if I'm thin again. But he's made it known he prefers me thinner. I have only ever found that as I lose weight our relationship improves.

At the same token, when I'm at a lower weight I get much more male attention, and I admit I enjoy it. Maybe for some people this temptation is very hard to resist? It's one reason I've decided to join an all-woman's gym. Last time I lost weight (50 pounds on Atkins), I had a difficult time with a few guys at the gym showing interest in me, etc., and it made me too uncomfortable to work out so I stopped going. When you start feeling like you have to look good and put on make up or fix your hair to work out, you know you're at the wrong gym (or in the wrong mindset)!

My husband says he's worried I'll lose weight and be so beautiful I'll leave him. I remind him the one time I left him (we separated for a time years ago), I had just had a second baby and was hardly thin and gorgeous so that's not a pre-requisite for me to leave if I wanted to.

I think if you and yours have a solid relationship, it will endure.

I also think Lisa's story is germane. If you have two overweight people and one is motivated to change while the other cannot/won't, it's not so different from other situations in which people grow apart because one partner experiences something life-changing (like finding God or wanting to adopt/have a child or a traveling or a housewife pursuing a career or even a man retiring). Any major life-altering situation puts strain on a marriage.

It's a very complicated issue, and I concur with the counselor that if there seem to be any problems along the way, have counseling. It's a good idea.

[babsyintx 0]

Hi,

Wanted to give you my perspective on the situation. I have been married 10 years and I have two children. My husband is a nice well grounded man, good father, engineering professional who cant communicate if his life depended on it. I do love him, but since I have lost the weight, I find myself yearning for excitement, attention and affirmation of my new appearance . My husband does not offer me this. My weight loss has taken a toll on our marriage. I went into therapy to try to figure out whether the problem was him , me or both of us. Still havent figured that out. Until I do, I will stay in this relationship and try to make it work. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I can see why the statistics are high. I dont think they are 80%, but they are higher than the normal divorce rate.

Babs in TX

334/187/170

-147

[blossom 2]

My PCP gave me a long lecture on this very subject! He described the very scenario that Leatha did. Seems he has seen quite a number of WLS patients emerge into their new selves and not really know how to handle all the attention they begin getting from the opposite sex. I was shocked that he even brought the subject up because he was all for me to have the surgery to better my health. Guess he just felt that honesty was the best policy and that I would be better able to handle the situation if I knew of the possibility of marital problems.

Fortunately, I married my best friend 20 years ago. We're still best friends and always will be. He is very supportive of me and I couldn't even imagine having a life without him. All of my big goals include him: hiking mountains, bicycle riding, boating, traveling...he's there in all of them!

[Alexandra 55]

I have to say that IMO if a marriage can't survive the weight loss of one or both partners then there are other problems in the marriage. That said, I think one of the huge advantages of banding over RNY is the space of time we are given to adjust to our new bodies. I can understand that it's traumatic for a partner to be faced with someone who is half their previous size in the space of only a few months--it'd be traumatic for me too!

My weight loss has never given my marriage one moment's stress and I can't imagine how it could. And I agree with Shrinking: if the stat were really 80% you can bet the press would be all over that!

[DeLarla 22]

I've heard about the high divorce rate after weight loss surgery, but whoever did the study needs to go back and collect more data. How many of the 80% were happy and in love prior to the surgery? I bet it's a pretty low number. Most morbidly obese people are miserable in their own skin. How can you shower someone else with love and affection when you don't even like yourself? How many obese women stay in bad marriages in fear of being left alone, and afraid nobody will ever ask them on a date again? I know of 3 without even giving it any thought.

When you lose weight, you gain confidence and courage. If you were in a bad marriage to start with, losing weight can give you the energy, confidence and ability to finally move on to greener pastures. Good riddance! Other problems stem from the jealous spouse when the losing partner starts getting more attention. But if you have a solid marriage now, this will only improve it.

I was bitter before losing weight, and I can admit I took a lot out on my husband. Now that I'm energetic and positive, I'm bored to tears with my husband cuz he never wants to do anything. I get so angry I'd like to hit him! Sometimes I think I hate him, but that's just me acting like a baby cuz he won't come play with me. But that doesn't change the way we feel about each other or our marriage. He's my man, the guy I love and the person I've committed myself to till death parts us. We made vows to accept eachother "as is." Through thick and thin. I don't believe in divorce unless there's no love, or if there's abuse or cheating.

I'm with Ryan, I made a vow and I'm sticking to it. If I lose 100 more pounds and fit into lowrise hiphuggers and belly-baring blouses, I'll still come home to him. I've gotten dolled up and went partying with girlfriends, and I've been flirted with and have flirted back. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that because I come home to my man - every single time. If any woman thinks their husband doesn't oogle over young hot chicks, think again. They are men, and if they are healthy, normal men, they look at naked women every chance they get. That's called flirting, even if the girl doesn't look back. Some guys intentionally look away when a hot chick enters the room, but only out of respect for the Mrs. But trust me, when wifey isn't around, they look. It's nature's way. They look, they oogle, then they go home to the woman laying on the couch in her moo moo because they love that woman. That's marriage, and that's what I had before surgery and it's what I have now.

I weighed 130 pounds less when we met, and he encouraged me to eat over the years, then stood by my side at every failed diet attempt. He loves when other guys check me out (what man doesn't?)

If you love your husband, and he loves you, then you have nothing to worry about (except him not keeping his hands off you.) But if you hate him now, then you'll probably get the confidence you need to leave him once you lose weight. If there's no love, there's no marriage.

[nightingale2u 42]

Lisa... remember how you felt prior to being banded??? Perhaps your hubby just hasn't arrived at that "place" that we all reached prior to being banded. I still remember what it was like pre-op... I felt awful and unmotivated and went further into my shell whenever anyone pushed me to make changes. You are setting an awesome example... perhaps just let your hubby know that you love him and perhaps he will find the strength on his own. In the meantime... do you have any girlfriends that you can do some of the activities you enjoy with?

I don't think that WLS and the changes that it brings has to divorce... good communication helps and acceptance that just because we are changing doesn't mean our partners will. My husband loved me and married me when I was heavy... he saw the person that is emerging with every lost pound. We have talked about his fears... my fears... and still do... maybe that's the key?

[Phatcurves 3]

Wow, great responses. I feel soooooooo much better. That statistic really scared me. I knew I could count on my fellow band buddies to set my mind at ease.

I guess I better break out my pilates and yoga tapes, to prepare for all that post weight loss sex LOL.

OMG did I just post that! I am getting way to comfortable around you folk!

[spooter32 0]

I think the most important thing is knowing that it does happen. One of my closest friends had been married to her husband for 10 years, she had WLS and a year later, after losing 125 pounds she started having affairs. She'd been obese her entire life and had never had that kind of attention. She had her surgery 5 years ago now and is divorced. I do have a hard time believing the rate is that high. But it does happen. Knowing it happens and being prepared I sure can greatly reduce the risk.

[New Hope 37]

So, Jack, you had that refrigerator repairman look going on, huh?

[Marimaru 7]

I'm not married (yet), but my boyfriend was worried that I was going to lose weight and dump him. I told him that he'd noticed me and given me the time of day when I was overweight, and that anyone else who hadn't, and started when I got thinner wasn't worth my time.

We hit a rocky spot a few months ago, but it wasn't related I don't think. He was having trouble at work, and finances were tight and so things were tense, but now everything is better again.

I think alot of times us bigger people let things go on that shouldn't, and then we start to lose weight and a little of that 'self esteem' stuff starts pokin' out and the other party doesn't know how to take it.

Anyhow...

[Iluvharleys 15]

Thin or heavy, I can't imagine my life without my hubby. We met when I was thin, dated for a lot of years, and married when I was heavier. I have lost and gained weight the whole time. We have too much of a bond to ever let weight come between us. We do everything together. We ride our harleys, fish, swim, go on trips, we just do it all together. Only a couple of times in our whole marriage have we even spent nights away from each other. I can honestly say any weight loss I have will not be a statistic in the divorce column. I think any marriage that breaks up after a weight loss is one that wasn't on solid feet to start with. My husband is my best friend, and I can't think of anyone else I would rather spend the rest of my life with but my best friend.

[lapbander081004 7]

to prepare for all that post weight loss sex LOL

Oh boy is there a Line????

[GeezerSue 7]

I told him that he'd noticed me and given me the time of day when I was overweight, and that anyone else who hadn't, and started when I got thinner wasn't worth my time.

Deal is...there are some men who notice fat women and give them the time of day BECAUSE they are fat. And when that changes, the relationship changes.

Speaking as someone who has been married for 31 years, however, relationships change with or without weight loss. Having kids changes everything. Continuing in school and changing careers can change everything. Being broke or being not broke can change everything.

I think some of the saddest people I see are those (the ones Alexandra mentioned) who lose 150 pounds in eight months, and even though they are 38 or 43 and have three kids and the stretch marks to prove it, think they are beauty queens. And they start to dress like they would have dressed at 20 if they hadn't been obese at 20. So the entire planet is forced to view their now pendulous abdomens hanging over the jeans (and the hip-level belt) and their bellies (incluing the Lap RnY incisions) above the waist staring back like one-eyed marshmallows. Need I say, "Yuck?"

[lapbander081004 7]

Sue,

Now don't hold back...I want your honest pinion here lOL

But you are right.