Long post but I needed to say this to people who would understand

[Janet610 76]

I'm new to this forum and getting my sleeve surgery Tuesday 8/15

i thank you for being so honest. I read your post and can relate to what you're saying. Congratulations on the tremendous success you've had thus far on your journey. 🙏🏻

[KKLive 11]

WOW!! Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You look amazing! You should be so proud of yourself. I'm very proud of you !! Keep your head up and keep going. Being happy is important and keep your mind happy by not having thoughts that don't belong there.. Think of good things because you deserve it. I have to remind myself all the time.

[JTHmom 32]

On August 3, 2017 at 9:57 AM, Dashofpixiedust8 said:

I kind of just need to vent and air out my laundry. So feel free to read on and offer advice as you see fit. I know it is long so you don’t have to read it either. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t but I wanted to share this with people who might understand. I do have some before and after pictures at the bottoms also if you just want to look at those!

I am having a hard time lately. I had my sleeve surgery on 5/29/16. I started this process at the end of October 2015 weighing in at 540 pounds. I used to have to wear portable oxygen 24/7 because I was so overweight my fat was pressing against my lungs and restricting my breathing. I have managed to get down to 248 pounds since my surgery 14 months ago. Now I can walk 6 miles up and down hills without even getting out of breath.

I just had the first of many plastic surgeries on June 5^th. It was just an interim surgery since I am not at goal yet, but losing over 290 pounds will affect your skin drastically and I needed my stomach hang removed for quality of life reasons.

I want many more plastic surgeries. My thighs are my biggest concern. My plastic surgeon told me he wants me to get to goal and wait at least 9 months at a stable weight before we do any more though.

My doctor’s just want me to get to a size 12 or 10 as my goal. I started at a size 38/40 and now I am a size 14/16. That is insane to me honestly. I don’t think I have been a size 14/16 since I was 10 years old.

Now, to be clear, I am a huge self-sabotager. I have been challenged by this since I was a kid. I have been in therapy since I was 6 with various issues and still see a great therapist every week.

For over the past month I have not been cooking. Mostly because I had no energy and I was in pain still from my surgery. I don’t heal that great after surgery and it lasts with me a long time. Instead of meal planning and cooking I have been eating take out, sweets, and junk and I know it’s not helpful. Thankfully I have only gained about .8 of a pound with my self-sabotaging ways.

Honestly guys, I think it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of what it will be like without my fat around me. I have been overweight since I was 3 years old. It’s all I’ve known. I used to have day dreams when I was in school of just getting on the bus and unzipping myself from this fat suit I was stuck in and everyone being amazing at this beautiful girl I actually was.

Here I am at 30, basically doing that and it terrifies me.

I’m not saying I’m unhappy with the weightloss, not at all. I am ECSTATIC! I can actually live my life and join in on the world instead of being trapped in my body and only living as a shell of a human being.

I can go to amusement parks and fit on the rides. Which is what I did this weekend as a kind of declaration of freedom and just a time to enjoy myself with friends.

I can be active, I don’t need to worry about if I will fit in a small space (but still my mind tells me I won’t and I’m scared every time that I won’t fit. I was terrified to get on every roller coaster at the park. Not because of the ride, but I was afraid I wouldn’t fit and the embarrassment would kill me).

This has been a draining experience, both physically and mentally. But for me, the mental part has been the hardest.

I was able to recognize that I was self-sabotaging out of fear though. I was able to get up, shake myself off, and start again. Because that is what you have to do. I have meal planned, weighed and measured my food, tracked everything, and started more activity.

I will not let my manipulative brain win this time.

I have come too far to stop now. I will not give up and I will NEVER go back to the girl who couldn’t live the life she wanted.

You look amazing !!!!! I think at some point we all go through this fear I know I did when I had lap band 10 years ago! i just had to have the band removed last month and I wake up in the middle of the night in tears that I will gain my weight back . you have a lot of support on her with people going through the same feelings as you are

[lornasaurusleeve 91]

I do recognize when i am having the thoughts. I can identify them. What I cannot seem to come to terms with is "sitting with" it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Something hurts, u fix it. But there is no fix for the thought except to eat it...distract from it, walk it, weed it, read a book.....etc. and there it is AGAIN with a self satisfied grin saying: "im so glad you decided to invite me In to sit on your shoulder and keep you uncomfortable. I win, again. Keep it up , pal"
I am unable to find a strategy for "sitting with" anything. No. Therapy is not new for me. Have tried several kinds. Plus meditation, breathing etc.

Thanks for your reply.

I was watching an old episode of My 600 lb Life last night (I watch for free sessions with the shrinks lmao) and the therapist struck a cord with me when she said 'there's healthy discomfort (motivates change, pulls your hand off a hot stove etc.) and unhealthy discomfort (being violated)' in regards to the ...Discomfort of sitting with your discomfort. Just stewed on it a bit and I can't really get where I was going with this except that sitting uncomfortably with your healthy discomfort (instead of eating it) is what motivates the change. And we are safe with that healthy discomfort and nothing /actually/ bad is happening while we do that except that discomfort that we've been so desperately trying to avoid.

[reallyrosy 161]

Thanks for engaging in this but I am experiencing SO MUCH PAIN with these thoughts that intrude after I acknowledge the feeling. I tried doing EMDR on myself just now in the car. I get frantic: I can't possibly take one more step without dissolving into a bowl of quivering Jello mush. I think we call it discomfort so we aren't tossed into a Looney bin...to be locked away and medicated beyond pain. food brings instant relief for the 5 min I indulge. There HAS to be a better way.

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