Long post but I needed to say this to people who would understand

[reallyrosy 161]

Thanks, JR, thats exactly another part of "sitting with it" that I can't do. Cannot affirm myself. I have tried tapping and actually HATE it so much, it enrages me. I always had unkind thoughts when i see people as big or bigger than I am. Every time I mentally "go off" on a hate rampage, I realize I am talking to me. I m going to take this up with the shrink today but I seem stuck on recognizing my unhelpful thinking and never able to move on from there. I need a kick in the behind !

[jrmoseley 101]

reallyrosy--we all need a kick in the behind now and then! I hope you have a productive talk with your therapist. It is hard when we feel like we're "stuck." It's kinda like weight loss stalls, because it's so painful when you're going through it and it feels like it will never end, but as long as you don't give up trying you will someday be able to look back on it as a tough time that you got through. Hang in there.

[alirocks713 8]

You look amazing! Also, be very proud of yourself. this journey is hard. I am only 5 months out and having a really hard time with self sabotage. I also and so tired... I got this surgery so I wouldn't have to struggle as hard, but in some ways it is harder. I know I shouldn't be so down only 5 months out, I think its only because I have been at the same weight for a month no matter what I do. I know what I am doing wrong, and its so hard to chase those habits... Good luck to you, you're doing amazing!!

[reallyrosy 161]

1 hour ago, jrmoseley said:

"reallyrosy-...... It's kinda like weight loss stalls, because it's so painful when you're going through it and it feels like it will never end, but as long as you don't give up trying you will someday be able to look back on it as a tough time that you got through. Hang in there."

You got it, JR. I have an image of the monster I'm fighting picking its teeth with my bones. Thanks

[The New Kel 1,312]

@Dashofpixiedust8

I'm just seeing your post now, and wanted to say that you totally rock. You have done an amazing job, and have inspired many of us here! I can relate to the mental game. My weight started packing on around age 13 and I now realize a mental aspect of it was that it was a protective shell against attention to my body. But that's another story for a new thread. Congratulations to you and your new and lifelong ability to grab your sabotaging brain by the throat and recognize it, look it in the face and drop it to the ground. You look truly amazing and beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing!

[Natí Beesh 8]

girl! YOU LOOK GREAT. keep up the good work. Don't be scared, you've been reborn! it's ok to have some days where you loose control. it means you're human... but just keep tabs on it. Start food logging, meal prepping and doing anything extra to keep your mind off of the self sabotage. We are all in the same boat. WE ALL SUPPORT YOU.

[GotProlactinoma 458]

Pixie! You weight 245 and fit in a 14/16! I am 3 weeks out. Started at low obesity. Now I weigh 186 and still can't get into a size 16! Aren't bodies weird? Mine is Extra Fluffy I guess. My fat must spread out more!

[Berry78 4,261]

16 minutes ago, GotProlactinoma said:

Pixie! You weight 245 and fit in a 14/16! I am 3 weeks out. Started at low obesity. Now I weigh 186 and still can't get into a size 16! Aren't bodies weird? Mine is Extra Fluffy I guess. My fat must spread out more!

I weigh 231 now and can just wear a 16 (nonstretchy dress pant).

It has to do with our starting weights and our base bone density, muscle and ligament strength, and of course, extra skin. I weighed 300 for 8 years..long enough to develop an extra heavy-duty interior. Pixie carried more weight than I did, so her interior is double extra-duty! Lol!

[reallyrosy 161]

At 210 i cannot feel comfortable in a 16 anything. Guess it's where the clothes are from and where thebm weight sits on us.

[Berry78 4,261]

I wear Christopher and Banks uptown pants. They may run large. I dunno.

[soready17 167]

I kind of just need to vent and air out my laundry. So feel free to read on and offer advice as you see fit. I know it is long so you don’t have to read it either. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t but I wanted to share this with people who might understand. I do have some before and after pictures at the bottoms also if you just want to look at those!
I am having a hard time lately. I had my sleeve surgery on 5/29/16. I started this process at the end of October 2015 weighing in at 540 pounds. I used to have to wear portable oxygen 24/7 because I was so overweight my fat was pressing against my lungs and restricting my breathing. I have managed to get down to 248 pounds since my surgery 14 months ago. Now I can walk 6 miles up and down hills without even getting out of breath.
I just had the first of many plastic surgeries on June 5^th. It was just an interim surgery since I am not at goal yet, but losing over 290 pounds will affect your skin drastically and I needed my stomach hang removed for quality of life reasons.
I want many more plastic surgeries. My thighs are my biggest concern. My plastic surgeon told me he wants me to get to goal and wait at least 9 months at a stable weight before we do any more though.
My doctor’s just want me to get to a size 12 or 10 as my goal. I started at a size 38/40 and now I am a size 14/16. That is insane to me honestly. I don’t think I have been a size 14/16 since I was 10 years old.
Now, to be clear, I am a huge self-sabotager. I have been challenged by this since I was a kid. I have been in therapy since I was 6 with various issues and still see a great therapist every week.
For over the past month I have not been cooking. Mostly because I had no energy and I was in pain still from my surgery. I don’t heal that great after surgery and it lasts with me a long time. Instead of meal planning and cooking I have been eating take out, sweets, and junk and I know it’s not helpful. Thankfully I have only gained about .8 of a pound with my self-sabotaging ways.
Honestly guys, I think it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of what it will be like without my fat around me. I have been overweight since I was 3 years old. It’s all I’ve known. I used to have day dreams when I was in school of just getting on the bus and unzipping myself from this fat suit I was stuck in and everyone being amazing at this beautiful girl I actually was.
Here I am at 30, basically doing that and it terrifies me.
I’m not saying I’m unhappy with the weightloss, not at all. I am ECSTATIC! I can actually live my life and join in on the world instead of being trapped in my body and only living as a shell of a human being.
I can go to amusement parks and fit on the rides. Which is what I did this weekend as a kind of declaration of freedom and just a time to enjoy myself with friends.
I can be active, I don’t need to worry about if I will fit in a small space (but still my mind tells me I won’t and I’m scared every time that I won’t fit. I was terrified to get on every roller coaster at the park. Not because of the ride, but I was afraid I wouldn’t fit and the embarrassment would kill me).
This has been a draining experience, both physically and mentally. But for me, the mental part has been the hardest.
I was able to recognize that I was self-sabotaging out of fear though. I was able to get up, shake myself off, and start again. Because that is what you have to do. I have meal planned, weighed and measured my food, tracked everything, and started more activity.
I will not let my manipulative brain win this time.
I have come too far to stop now. I will not give up and I will NEVER go back to the girl who couldn’t live the life she wanted.

Wow I'm literally in tears right now. You MY LADY are such an INSPIRATION!!! I guess I'm so emotional because I myself am a self saboteur. I'm currently on my preop diet and my mind want to f&$@ things up for myself... but I keep reminding myself that I NEED this. I've been overweight since I was 6 years old. I've never been a normal weight kid, teen, or adult. I just turned 30 on the 1st of Aug. And I am just trying my hardest not to be a terrible patient. My preop is not going so good. I only have two more days on the Protein Drinks and one more day clears only. Surgery is on the 14th. I am telling myself this will be the best birthday gift I or anyone else can give me. Reading your story has made me feel hopeful...cuz I fear succeeding as well and try to sabotage when I get close. So PLEASE don't give in. You are such an amazing inspiration to me and I don't even know you. I think with the right therapy we can get through this. I've never actually been to a therapist but I'm seriously thinking that I should. Good luck to you my friend and you look AMAZING!![emoji7] [emoji7]

Sent from my SM-N910C using BariatricPal mobile app

[MusicMom1384 18]

Wow!!! Your weight loss is very inspiring!!! I'm also a self-saboteur... the thing that's helped me the most is praying scriptures or even just repeating them over and over and over.... Isaiah 41:10 is what I lean on right now.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 -

I really like the "strengthen you" part!!!! . I have a whole list that I go to whenever I'm fearful or anxious or scared... you name it, I got something to battle it! Anyways... that's what's been most helpful to me

[MTL 54]

You look so beautiful & what an amazing journey of self-love. I'm seeing a psychologist to deal w my depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks, PTSD, food & body dysmorphic issues, along w feeling scared now that I'm a roomy size 8. It scares me to have people staring & commenting on how beautiful I am, which has always been an issue for me since I was a model. Even when I weighed 98 lbs, I saw myself fat & ugly. It has to do w the abuse/neglect/incest from early childhood, so I'm addressing these all through my therapist, daily meditations & exercise.

My nutritionist asked me not to get angry at myself when I slip & sneak food or don't exercise which are self-sabotaging behaviors, but to look at the root problems in the present moment & love myself. She asked me to slip in warm broth or a chilled homemade Soup before I sneak crapola: made perfect since to me! Following her advice, I'm not so ready to sneak after modifying my behavior. If need cosmetic surgery, I'll do it & fully applaud anyone for loving themselves so much that they help the outside you to mesh with the inside you.

The biggest hurdle has been met: I'm not on any medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol & acid reflux since having my hiatal hernia repaired & my gastric sleeve 5/24/17. This particular forum has helped me keep thinking positively about myself & learn that I'm so not the only one struggling. Thank you so much for your post Dashofpixiedust8 & everyone here, love you to infinity.

[nmuro313 18]

I feel like you have been reading my mind and put the words down on this post. I've been overweight all my life and I'm so afraid of how I'll feel and how my life will change. I'm also very excited for the future as well. I'm such a mix of emotions.

Sent from my SM-G930V using BariatricPal mobile app

[zallykatz16 56]

WOW you look amazing. Your story is very inspirational. I am having RNY surgery in September and I hope that I do as well as you. Congratulations.