Long post but I needed to say this to people who would understand

[cat3818 9]

You look awesome keep up the good work . sometimes we do have set backs. I know I have. I started my journey this year sleeve surgery this year May 2017 I've lost almost 40 pounds it's still kind of hard to believe it but it's real. Do sometimes because it is damn scale. I think I haven't really lost anything my clothes don't fit anymore too big. Even my grandson said Grandma you getting little. I still don't I don't see that myself yet but I'm trying it's a mind thing therapist said

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[Dimples58 167]

Thanks for sharing your experience. As human beings, we all go through life challenges. No one is perfect. You have recognized the issue and have taken full control of a plan and or solution to assist you. That says a lot. You have done a great job thus far. Remember, it's not the outer beauty but the inter beauty that molds us. shake the dust of your feet and continue on this journey. Congrats to you on your success.

[CoCo0273 39]

I kind of just need to vent and air out my laundry. So feel free to read on and offer advice as you see fit. I know it is long so you don’t have to read it either. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t but I wanted to share this with people who might understand. I do have some before and after pictures at the bottoms also if you just want to look at those!
I am having a hard time lately. I had my sleeve surgery on 5/29/16. I started this process at the end of October 2015 weighing in at 540 pounds. I used to have to wear portable oxygen 24/7 because I was so overweight my fat was pressing against my lungs and restricting my breathing. I have managed to get down to 248 pounds since my surgery 14 months ago. Now I can walk 6 miles up and down hills without even getting out of breath.
I just had the first of many plastic surgeries on June 5^th. It was just an interim surgery since I am not at goal yet, but losing over 290 pounds will affect your skin drastically and I needed my stomach hang removed for quality of life reasons.
I want many more plastic surgeries. My thighs are my biggest concern. My plastic surgeon told me he wants me to get to goal and wait at least 9 months at a stable weight before we do any more though.
My doctor’s just want me to get to a size 12 or 10 as my goal. I started at a size 38/40 and now I am a size 14/16. That is insane to me honestly. I don’t think I have been a size 14/16 since I was 10 years old.
Now, to be clear, I am a huge self-sabotager. I have been challenged by this since I was a kid. I have been in therapy since I was 6 with various issues and still see a great therapist every week.
For over the past month I have not been cooking. Mostly because I had no energy and I was in pain still from my surgery. I don’t heal that great after surgery and it lasts with me a long time. Instead of meal planning and cooking I have been eating take out, sweets, and junk and I know it’s not helpful. Thankfully I have only gained about .8 of a pound with my self-sabotaging ways.
Honestly guys, I think it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of what it will be like without my fat around me. I have been overweight since I was 3 years old. It’s all I’ve known. I used to have day dreams when I was in school of just getting on the bus and unzipping myself from this fat suit I was stuck in and everyone being amazing at this beautiful girl I actually was.
Here I am at 30, basically doing that and it terrifies me.
I’m not saying I’m unhappy with the weightloss, not at all. I am ECSTATIC! I can actually live my life and join in on the world instead of being trapped in my body and only living as a shell of a human being.
I can go to amusement parks and fit on the rides. Which is what I did this weekend as a kind of declaration of freedom and just a time to enjoy myself with friends.
I can be active, I don’t need to worry about if I will fit in a small space (but still my mind tells me I won’t and I’m scared every time that I won’t fit. I was terrified to get on every roller coaster at the park. Not because of the ride, but I was afraid I wouldn’t fit and the embarrassment would kill me).
This has been a draining experience, both physically and mentally. But for me, the mental part has been the hardest.
I was able to recognize that I was self-sabotaging out of fear though. I was able to get up, shake myself off, and start again. Because that is what you have to do. I have meal planned, weighed and measured my food, tracked everything, and started more activity.
I will not let my manipulative brain win this time.
I have come too far to stop now. I will not give up and I will NEVER go back to the girl who couldn’t live the life she wanted.

You're not alone, I have bi polar disorder and anxiety too. I was sleeved on August 3rd. I've been up and down with my weight loss too. Before my gastric sleeve surgery I weighed 229. I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm so proud of you. Keep up the great work!!!

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[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@Geri Marie Thank you so much! It is hard to be noticed sometimes but most of the time I'm enjoying it. Good luck with your upcoming surgery! I can't wait to see your before and afters!

@smb123 Thank you!

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@Nhope Thank you so much! I'm glad I'm not the only one with these feelings.

@Jessilou Aww thank you. I'm glad I could inspire you!

@DeltaDi Thanks!!

@landoflaura It is REALLY hard to remove the mental fat. Especially since I have been used to being fat my entire life.

@fastfoodaddictnomore Thank you! I agree it's important to let the past go and focus on the present in order to have a better future. I try and remind myself when I give into cravings that I can't change what I already ate but I can make a better choice when I eat next.

@frumpy69 Thank you so much! I am trying to turn it back around. I was able to lose 4 pounds this week which was nice!

@GezzraAww thank you!! Self sabotage is really really hard to overcome. I've been working on it for a long time. Sometimes I do better with it than others.

@Zoune Thank you!!

@reallyrosyYou have done amazing! I know you have slipped backwards some but you are no where near where you started! I know how hard it is. Self sabotage is so hard. Usually my therapist talks me through it when I am self sabotaging. Helping me realize that's what I'm doing. When I'm at the point that I realize that is what I'm doing I'm usually at the point of being ready to stop and turn it back around.

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@DownsizingDonnathank you. I have been going to my monthly support groups at my surgeon. Most of them are for those who had surgery and who haven't had surgery. They only have the ones for veterans (6 months out+) every other month at the location I go to. There are other locations but they are harder for me to get to.

@kristin_pasley Thank you so much! I get/got those comments too. I still get the whole "you are tall and carry weight well" I am 5'10. Even though I'm 245 pounds I wear a size 14/16 bottom and 12 top. Also, even though I have lost almost 300 pounds some people in my family who have sharp tongues still say things like 1'you have such a pretty face, your body will catch up". It's frustrating. I don't know what my weight goal should be anymore. i'm glad I could inspire you. Good luck with your surgery! I can't wait to see your before and afters.

@melissa39437Thank you! I'm trying to make myself believe that!

@spowellAww thanks!!

@sleevebabeAww! Thank you so much! Fear is a terrible thing! It is so hard to change the fat mentality. I am struggling with it a lot.

@Brittany1225 Thank you! I can't wait to see your before and afters! I am glad I could inspire you.

@HB76356 WOW! You have done amazing! Good luck on your journey with the sleeve! It's true that now I'm meeting people who didn't know me when I was 540 and they only know me now. Honestly I find it harder to deal with people who DID know me before I lost the weight because I feel they ALSO have the fat mentality with me. When I was 540 I couldn't do a lot of active or even hardly active activities. Now I can do SOOO much and my friends still treat me as if I am unable to do these things. They do all these active things that I would have WANTED to do and they don't invite me because they still have the mentality that I CAN'T! It's not helping much...

@reallyrosy they mental process is definitely harder than the physical one.

@WhtWdUGive620Aww thank you! Honestly, your message made me tear up. I'm so glad I could be an inspiration for you and my venting could help you! Good luck in getting back on track! We can do this!

@GotProlactinoma Aww! Thanks! It really did. I needed to just get out my feelings and thoughts. I'm glad my venting was able to inspire others though.

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@cat3818I can relate. I often just kind of walk around amazed that this is my life now. I can't believe I have gotten to this size. It's hard for my mind to catch up.

@Dimples58Thank you!!

@CoCo0273Thank you! I also have Bipolar and depression. It is hard! I feel like it got worse for a bit a few months after surgery but it has leveled back out again thankfully. Congrats on your surgery, good luck to you!

[larta 26]

Wow..What an amazing transformation. The great news is you know what is going on in your head vs what you are doing. You have come such a long way and I know you will keep going. Your attitude is wonderful, and the fact that you can acknowledge and see your sabotaging ways is 95% of the battle. Lots of people just shut it out and just go forward blindlessley into hopeless despair because the reality is too much. All your feelings, thoughts, fears, gains, losses, challenges are real! keep acknowledging them, know that's just what they are, feelings, fears......They cannot take up residence within your heart and soul unless you invite them in to stay.

Glad you vented, hope you're feeling better.

[Naturelover 27]

I completely relate to the fear of not having the fat around me. Being abused as a child really changed my relationship to my body. For so long it didn't feel like it was mine. And if I were thin, it felt like everyone could see through me, into me. It made me feel vulnerable and unsafe. And I didn't like not being able to pick and choose who I would get male attention from.

I'm being sleeved tomorrow. And I have spent a lot of time the last several months trying to come to terms with this decision and trying to decide how I will handle losing my armor. Logically, I know it never really protected me, but the scared child inside isn't fully on board. And I'm starting out at a relatively low bmi (have co-morbidities), so truly thin isn't that far. And I completely relate to self-sabotage and self-soothing with food.

So, I'm moving forward despite the fear. Trusting that I can do my best one day at a time. I finally learned to love my curves. Now I need to continue loving my body wherever it ends up.

Your progress is amazing and inspirational. You've already zipped off that fat suit. Just feel the fear and do it anyway. [emoji178]

[Naturelover 27]

Has any shrink come up with a workaround to the self sabotage? Fear is a HUGE factor. I can deal with it for several weeks, loss starts again, and sabotaging intrusive thoughts follow almost as soon as I realize "yeah! Did it!"

My lowest was 188 in 2014 and now I'm at 215. Was sleeved in 2011. HW 428. Sincerely hate myself.

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What I'm doing that is helping is writing about my fears, sharing them with someone else, and giving them over to my higher power. This has helped a lot. Even if I have to keep processing the same fears over and over.

And if I am having a really fearful moment (or even a random fearful thought), I label my fear as a thought or feeling: I am having a thought that I am afraid. I am having a feeling of fear. And then I sit with it. Knowing that thoughts and feelings are temporary, and they are not me. They will pass, and I don't have to take them on. They usually pass after a couple of minutes. Although, sometimes they come right back, and I need to do it again. [emoji178]

[Naturelover 27]

What I'm doing that is helping is writing about my fears, sharing them with someone else, and giving them over to my higher power. This has helped a lot. Even if I have to keep processing the same fears over and over.

And if I am having a really fearful moment (or even a random fearful thought), I label my fear as a thought or feeling: I am having a thought that I am afraid. I am having a feeling of fear. And then I sit with it. Knowing that thoughts and feelings are temporary, and they are not me. They will pass, and I don't have to take them on. They usually pass after a couple of minutes. Although, sometimes they come right back, and I need to do it again. [emoji178]

Oh! I see you asked if any shrink has coming up with a work around. The thought labeling comes from DBT - dialectical behavioral therapy, which is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It's the gold standard treatment for depression, anxiety, fear. It's really amazing. I'm sure there are books and teachings out there. I was able to take a class at my local hospital.

[reallyrosy 161]

I do recognize when i am having the thoughts. I can identify them. What I cannot seem to come to terms with is "sitting with" it. It doesn't make any sense to me. Something hurts, u fix it. But there is no fix for the thought except to eat it...distract from it, walk it, weed it, read a book.....etc. and there it is AGAIN with a self satisfied grin saying: "im so glad you decided to invite me In to sit on your shoulder and keep you uncomfortable. I win, again. Keep it up , pal"

I am unable to find a strategy for "sitting with" anything. No. Therapy is not new for me. Have tried several kinds. Plus meditation, breathing etc.

Thanks for your reply.

[Journey2017 3]

This is one of the most inspiring stories I've read to date! OMG!!! You have had an incredible journey! I am so inspired after reading your post! This gives me hope and I pray that you continue on your journey and share your progress with us!

[Berry78 4,261]

My new "armor". Vests give me a confidence boost. Another person may wear hats or the like...

[jrmoseley 101]

On 8/5/2017 at 6:32 AM, reallyrosy said:

Has any shrink come up with a workaround to the self sabotage? Fear is a HUGE factor. I can deal with it for several weeks, loss starts again, and sabotaging intrusive thoughts follow almost as soon as I realize "yeah! Did it!"

My lowest was 188 in 2014 and now I'm at 215. Was sleeved in 2011. HW 428. Sincerely hate myself.

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reallyrosy--please don't hate yourself. It only reinforces the downward spiral. One of the things I try to do whenever I find myself spiralling is to try to think of how I'd react if I were a good friend. If I were in a support group with a woman who feels the way I do right now, how would I feel about her-what advice would I give her?? We are so often very harsh with ourselves when we would never be that harsh with someone else.

I think you're right--fear is a very powerful motivator, and body image issues are very, very difficult to overcome. And we work so hard at it. Sometimes we get tired and give up, or we rely on poor advice and get sidetracked, or we fall into old habits and become complacent. But when we realize that we're not on track, it doesn't help to hate ourselves for losing our way. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and nurture yourself into the strength to fight again.

It's what you would do for a friend.