Long post but I needed to say this to people who would understand

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

I kind of just need to vent and air out my laundry. So feel free to read on and offer advice as you see fit. I know it is long so you don’t have to read it either. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t but I wanted to share this with people who might understand. I do have some before and after pictures at the bottoms also if you just want to look at those!

I am having a hard time lately. I had my sleeve surgery on 5/29/16. I started this process at the end of October 2015 weighing in at 540 pounds. I used to have to wear portable oxygen 24/7 because I was so overweight my fat was pressing against my lungs and restricting my breathing. I have managed to get down to 248 pounds since my surgery 14 months ago. Now I can walk 6 miles up and down hills without even getting out of breath.

I just had the first of many plastic surgeries on June 5^th. It was just an interim surgery since I am not at goal yet, but losing over 290 pounds will affect your skin drastically and I needed my stomach hang removed for quality of life reasons.

I want many more plastic surgeries. My thighs are my biggest concern. My plastic surgeon told me he wants me to get to goal and wait at least 9 months at a stable weight before we do any more though.

My doctor’s just want me to get to a size 12 or 10 as my goal. I started at a size 38/40 and now I am a size 14/16. That is insane to me honestly. I don’t think I have been a size 14/16 since I was 10 years old.

Now, to be clear, I am a huge self-sabotager. I have been challenged by this since I was a kid. I have been in therapy since I was 6 with various issues and still see a great therapist every week.

For over the past month I have not been cooking. Mostly because I had no energy and I was in pain still from my surgery. I don’t heal that great after surgery and it lasts with me a long time. Instead of meal planning and cooking I have been eating take out, sweets, and junk and I know it’s not helpful. Thankfully I have only gained about .8 of a pound with my self-sabotaging ways.

Honestly guys, I think it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared of what it will be like without my fat around me. I have been overweight since I was 3 years old. It’s all I’ve known. I used to have day dreams when I was in school of just getting on the bus and unzipping myself from this fat suit I was stuck in and everyone being amazing at this beautiful girl I actually was.

Here I am at 30, basically doing that and it terrifies me.

I’m not saying I’m unhappy with the weightloss, not at all. I am ECSTATIC! I can actually live my life and join in on the world instead of being trapped in my body and only living as a shell of a human being.

I can go to amusement parks and fit on the rides. Which is what I did this weekend as a kind of declaration of freedom and just a time to enjoy myself with friends.

I can be active, I don’t need to worry about if I will fit in a small space (but still my mind tells me I won’t and I’m scared every time that I won’t fit. I was terrified to get on every roller coaster at the park. Not because of the ride, but I was afraid I wouldn’t fit and the embarrassment would kill me).

This has been a draining experience, both physically and mentally. But for me, the mental part has been the hardest.

I was able to recognize that I was self-sabotaging out of fear though. I was able to get up, shake myself off, and start again. Because that is what you have to do. I have meal planned, weighed and measured my food, tracked everything, and started more activity.

I will not let my manipulative brain win this time.

I have come too far to stop now. I will not give up and I will NEVER go back to the girl who couldn’t live the life she wanted.

Edited August 3, 2017 by Dashofpixiedust8

[jvleeuw 98]

You are truly amazing. Look at all you have accomplished. So you have had a bad few weeks.pit it behind you and take care of yourself.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G870A using BariatricPal mobile app

[heycrystal2052 430]

You look WONDERFUL and I'm so happy you found your way back to being focused, that's someone who is in complete control. I think many of us have had that feeling, I'm on my second pouch reset and I'm okay w/ that. I know where I've failed and it's time to get back to it and continue to drop some of this weight. If I may ask, are you in counseling to help with staying on course?

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@jvleeuw Thank you! I am not really beating myself up too much about it, especially since I didn't really gain. I'm just going to move on. I just wonder if anyone else can relate to my fear.

@heycrystal2052 Thank you so much! I'm just in general therapy. I have been seeing my current therapist for 14 years, I have depression and bipolar. I have a lot going on right now but lately in sessions we have been working on my body image issues and at my most recent visit, my self sabotaging behavior.

Edited August 3, 2017 by Dashofpixiedust8

[sleevedshereen 524]

Hi there!

So I really think that we all get scared of changes that could happen and how it will affect our lives.

I think that you have come sooooo freaking far, and way too far to revert back. You look so amazing and you're truly an inspiration.

I think now what you have to focus on is self love and you obviously went to inquire about plastics because you want to feel more comfortable in the new body you are coming into and that is absolutely 100% acceptable.

I know it's scary to adapt to a person you've never seen looking back at you in the mirror but if you think your thighs are a problem area to you and you think plastics would make you feel better about yourself, then reach your goal! Don't stop!

I've been insecure my whole life...and in high school I had a teacher tell me "Every day you wake up, look in the mirror, and give yourself a compliment...say one thing you like about yourself". I never did it.

I realize now that I have hardly any self love...so even if I lose all the weight, I'm still going to find something about my body that is wrong, that I don't like.

I'm now learning, compliment myself, feel good about myself, love the body I'm in, stretch marks, cellulite and saggy skin because I'm not going to get a new body...if I can't love myself, how can I be happy?

And I have so many fears about not being able to indulge the way I used to, how I will look after the weight loss, still being disgusted by who I see in the mirror, and sooo much more...but we gotta just stay hopeful and start to love ourselves and have more faith in ourselves!

Don't look back at the girl you used to be, look at who you are today, and who you want to be in the future.

Keep moving forward! <3

Edited August 3, 2017 by sleevedshereen

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@sleevedshereenAww thanks. I know, change can be scary. Some days I feel so confident and pretty and other days I feel like the girl who was 540 pounds. Anytime I think about my weight I automatically put a 4 at the front instead of a 2. I have to correct myself EVERY time. I don't know why. I do need to work on self love, we are our own worst critics.

[FabNFit@40 52]

You are truly an inspiration. You look Fabulous. I too have realized that I self sabotage since starting this process. I know I can and will over come it. Thanks for sharing

[Dashofpixiedust8 1,469]

@FabNFit@40 Aww! Thank you so much! It is really hard, we will get through it!

[Geri Marie 235]

AAAAAMazing!! I just wanted to chime in here and tell you what an inspiration you are!! I mean seriously I'm here with eyes full of tears at your story! You have inspired me and many I'm sure with your story! I think we all feel that way to an extent. Our love layers kept us unnoticed and in the corner. Us POW's (people of weight) are used to being hidden and taking that outer layer off and coming out to the world is scary. The great part is how we feel....health wise so much better!! A great sense of accomplishment. Commit and stick to the plan!!! Way to go! I'm fired up for my Up coming surgery and can't wait to share before and after pics!

[smb123 51]

I couldn't imagine what you are going through right now. I want you to know that you were amazing before and you are amazing now. The only thing different is your look and how you feel never forget that.

You are an inspiration. Keep your head up!!

[Nhope 146]

Ditto what everyone says about you being an inspiration and thank you for sharing your thoughts and frustrations with all of us. I would venture to guess that most of us on this list struggle with a sense of self, and with sabotage, and with our own image. In my case, that's a big reason of why I'm here. But keep pushing forward, acknowledging the hard stuff, and celebrating what you have accomplished.

[Jessilou 24]

You are beautiful and your story is inspiring to a beginner like myself! Keep up the awesome work!!!!

[DeltaDi 2]

WOW! You are amazing!

[landoflaura 14]

I agree that removing the "fat" from the brain is harder than losing the actual fat! You are an inspiration!

[fastfoodaddictnomore 66]

Great post!! I try to remind myself that yesterday is in the past and what I do today is what's going to get me to tomorrow. Your story will inspire so many. It's so important to address those issues that got us to our highest weight. Some of us added more weight to hide and as it comes of we are now being seen and it's terribly uncomfortable.