This is embarrasing, but I need help!!!

[claramae 0]

I am struggling not to cram everything in the ref. in my mouth!!!! I wil get straight to the point.

My adult, 35 year old daughter is an alcholic!!! She has lost her teaching job. They have lost custody of her step daughter. Her marriage is on the brink. Everytime I would call her, or my other daughter, her sister, she would be drunk and there would be tons and tons of drama. As a result, we have distanced ourselves from her tragic life. I have told her over and over again that she needs to go to counseling, or to AA. Then she would start screaming at me at the top of her lungs. I in turn would usually react the same, screaming. Then I figured to let her rant and rave. Then she would verbaly attack me and I would tell her that when she calms down, we will continue the conversation later. Then I would go for weeks and not hear from her.

Tonight she called me and told me that she is attending AA meetings and seeing a counselor. I gave her encouragement and was really petting her on the back. Then she starts screaming at me, asking me where I was when she needed me. Finally, after her screaming at me for several mintues, I told her that everytime I called her she was drinking!!! Well, she screamed at me and hung up.

Five minutes, phone rang again and called ID was her number. Well, this time it was her husband wanting to know what in the hell I did to upset his wife. Might I add he has a drinking problem too.

In total, we got 4 phone calls from them. I put her on speaker phone, so my husband(her step dad) could hear her screaming at me.

I would say that I do not knowwhat to do, but I do know really. I should not accept phone calls from her when she is on a screaming fit. But I feel that I am abandoning her. Just the sound of my voice sends her off. I am sorry for going on and on about it. I just have to blow off steam, or I will eat everything in sight.

On top of this, I go for my first fill tomorrow, and I am scared to death of that needle. I will not sleep a wink tonight.:help::think

[Kat817 19]

Alcoholism is such a difficult thing to deal with. As well as divorcing an alcoholic, my brother drank terribly for many years. He has now been sober for close to 10 years. We still seem to walk on eggshells around him, like he will start drinking again if we do or say the wrong thing. When that is their life style it is VERY hard, there are so many fears, and angers festering inside.

Have you ever attended Al Anon meetings? They were of great help to my Mom. Her biggest fears were that my brother would feel we abandoned him, or that he would drink himself to death, or have an accident and die, and she would have been mad and not speaking to him...so she always tried to talk to him. She got great support and guidance from the Al Anon group---plus a lot of people who understood the emotions she was going through. It was full of people who knew she was not a failure as a Mother, who understood how she could love and hate him all in the same breath. Please look into it, if just to have someone to relate to. I understand some of the fear, but to have the fears with your brother is nothing like it would be with your child---I cannot even imagine.

Just know you are NOT alone. Hopefully as she gains momentum behind her with this push for sobriety she will begin to see you full of the love you have for her. Hang in there, and try to get some help for YOU as you deal with her---it will help her in turn.

I am sorry I have no words of wisdom, I just wanted you to know someone was out here listening, and feeling full of compassion for you. I am going to say a prayer for you and your family tonight, and hope you all can find a way to work through this together!!

Good Luck on your fill tomorrow, it really wasn't a big deal at all!!! The needle is a simple poke---same as any other shot or blood draw, nothing to panic over!!!

(((hugs)))

Kat

[claramae 0]

Alcoholism is such a difficult thing to deal with. As well as divorcing an alcoholic, my brother drank terribly for many years. He has now been sober for close to 10 years. We still seem to walk on eggshells around him, like he will start drinking again if we do or say the wrong thing. When that is their life style it is VERY hard, there are so many fears, and angers festering inside.

Have you ever attended Al Anon meetings? They were of great help to my Mom. Her biggest fears were that my brother would feel we abandoned him, or that he would drink himself to death, or have an accident and die, and she would have been mad and not speaking to him...so she always tried to talk to him. She got great support and guidance from the Al Anon group---plus a lot of people who understood the emotions she was going through. It was full of people who knew she was not a failure as a Mother, who understood how she could love and hate him all in the same breath. Please look into it, if just to have someone to relate to. I understand some of the fear, but to have the fears with your brother is nothing like it would be with your child---I cannot even imagine.

Just know you are NOT alone. Hopefully as she gains momentum behind her with this push for sobriety she will begin to see you full of the love you have for her. Hang in there, and try to get some help for YOU as you deal with her---it will help her in turn.

I am sorry I have no words of wisdom, I just wanted you to know someone was out here listening, and feeling full of compassion for you. I am going to say a prayer for you and your family tonight, and hope you all can find a way to work through this together!!

Good Luck on your fill tomorrow, it really wasn't a big deal at all!!! The needle is a simple poke---same as any other shot or blood draw, nothing to panic over!!!

(((hugs)))Thanks for your kind words. I know how your mom feels. I feel that Jennifer will die of alchol poision, get in a car kill herself and some innocent family. It is hard to be there for her because she pushes me away. My oldest daughter, in Houston always gets a phone call from me bawling my eyes over my last phone conversation with her sister. Daughter in Houston is a Practical Licensed Counselor. She keeps telling me this is not my fault, but somewhere, I feel I failed my daughter. Thanks for your kind words. Do you think I am cruel if I avoid her phone calls for the time being until she gets her head screwed on stright???

[catzintj 1]

alanon meetings can give you the tools and wisdom to deal with alcoholics... i highly recommend you attend, for your sake and your own sanity. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. but the result is always the same when dealing with drunks. disapointment and broken boundries.......i personally wont have anything to do with an alcoholic that is not in recovery for at least 3 or 4 years............ even then im cautious. take care of yourself and get help for you. we cant change others......hope your fill goes well. im getting a fill this weekend......... hate the needle but love the results.....

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I agree that you should attend a support group for you not for your daughter! You need support and someone that understands you! This is not your problem, but it is invading you life. You need to get help for you, that is the only way you can ever help her. You are not leaving her alone by choosing not to be abused by her. If she gets help someday she will understand that. You have taught her not to touch fire, you are no different! Don't throw yourself onto her fire to try to save her, you can't do it, only she can save herself. You can be there when she needs you if she is not abusing you, otherwise set your bounderies! I know how hard it is as a mother, but as a human being you owe it to yourself to NOT be in that situation.

[claramae 0]

I agree that you should attend a support group for you not for your daughter! You need support and someone that understands you! This is not your problem, but it is invading you life. You need to get help for you, that is the only way you can ever help her. You are not leaving her alone by choosing not to be abused by her. If she gets help someday she will understand that. You have taught her not to touch fire, you are no different! Don't throw yourself onto her fire to try to save her, you can't do it, only she can save herself. You can be there when she needs you if she is not abusing you, otherwise set your bounderies! I know how hard it is as a mother, but as a human being you owe it to yourself to NOT be in that situation.

What wonderful words of advise you all have given me and I do appreciate the response. Last night when I wrote the post, I was angry and hurt that she would lash out at me like that. Today, I am so depressed, I can not see how I will make it thru the day. I willl do it, one foot in front of the other. The words are almost exactly what my oldest daughter, who is a licensed practical counselor, who deals with substance people all day said. "Mother do not put your hand back in the fire"> Thanks again for the advice. I thank God everyday that I found this board. I have never seen anyone be judgemental; only supportive. Talk later, Clara

[green 6]

The other folks who posted gave you excellent advice. Do join al-anon. You will learn a great deal about how and why the alcoholic behaves like she does. You must remember that alcoholism is a medical issue as much as anything else for it is a physical addiction.

Many substance abusers start abusing because they have pre-existing psychiatric conditions which cause them to feel bad. Depression is the most common of these. Through their substance abuse they are in effect self-medicating. They do this in order to feel better. This works, briefly - and then things get much, much worse - and of course the abuser develops a physical need for her booze or dope.

It sounds like your daughter is a mess at the moment and as long as she is a mess you will be unable to communicate with her. She seems to have a lot of anger which she has focussed on you. AA not only helps people to stay sober, it also helps people to examine the role which their addiction has played in deforming their relationships with their family and friends. If she can stick with the programme I am sure that you will have your daughter back.

By going to al-anon you will meet a lot of people who have been hurt in much the same way as you have. You will learn not to blame yourself and you will lose the guilt. This seems like it will be a very healthy move for you, Claramae. Afterall, you have already got your band and by now you will have had your first fill and have learned that it is no big deal. You are already making big changes in your own life and that's a good thing.

[claramae 0]

The other folks who posted gave you excellent advice. Do join al-anon. You will learn a great deal about how and why the alcoholic behaves like she does. You must remember that alcoholism is a medical issue as much as anything else for it is a physical addiction.

Many substance abusers start abusing because they have pre-existing psychiatric conditions which cause them to feel bad. Depression is the most common of these. Through their substance abuse they are in effect self-medicating. They do this in order to feel better. This works, briefly - and then things get much, much worse - and of course the abuser develops a physical need for her booze or dope.

It sounds like your daughter is a mess at the moment and as long as she is a mess you will be unable to communicate with her. She seems to have a lot of anger which she has focussed on you. AA not only helps people to stay sober, it also helps people to examine the role which their addiction has played in deforming their relationships with their family and friends. If she can stick with the programme I am sure that you will have your daughter back.

By going to al-anon you will meet a lot of people who have been hurt in much the same way as you have. You will learn not to blame yourself and you will lose the guilt. This seems like it will be a very healthy move for you, Claramae. Afterall, you have already got your band and by now you will have had your first fill and have learned that it is no big deal. You are already making big changes in your own life and that's a good thing.

Green---thanks for the post. My husband called Jennifer this morning and then she spoke to me. It was like as if nothing ever happened last night. I honestly think she does not realize her screaming hysterics at me last night. Why is it always the mother's fault. We talked for several minutes and I told her I was there for her, but I cannot fix it for her. If I could, I would have a long time ago. Thanks everyone for the words. Hugs to everyone, Clara

[anonemouse 1]

Keep a hand-held recorder handy, and the next time she calls to harass and berate you, record it. Maybe it would help her to be confronted with what she really sounded like.

[Marimaru 7]

Clara,

You should take your daughter's (the counselor) words to heart. You are their mother, but at the same time, they are their own people. My husband has 9 older siblings, and one of them has been in and out of jail his whole life. All of the others have their lives in orders with nice families and good jobs. Obviously, this guy was going to do what he did no matter who his parents were, you know? He got the same upbringing as the other 9 kids.

It's easy to blame the parents for the problems of the child, and of course, there is truth in that, but there are just some things a parent can't avoid happening to their kid no matter what. I'm not a parent yet, so I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, but I do think you should distance yourself from your daughter. If she gets a hold of you and starts screaming about where you were when she needed you again, tell her you'd be glad to talk about that when she can keep her inside voice and be willing to actually listen to you.

[green 6]

Good luck to you, Claramae. And :eek: from Green. Keep on posting. How did your first fill go?

[mrspruett 0]

I also a brother who is an alcoholic and my poor mother has been throught he** with him. She has been to al-anon and says it is wonderful. She says they taught her to love the person, but hate the disease.They also teach you that you cannot change the person's actions, only your REACTIONS.I believe going to meetings will give you the help and support you need. **hugs** and best of luck to you.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

My Mom died of alcoholism. I did everything I could. I petitioned her to force her into treatment (you can lead a horse to Water and all that happy crap), I went to AA meetings with her, I begged, I pleaded... nada.

To be really blunt and honest, I finally got to the point that I knew she would die of alcoholism and I did what I could for me. I did everything I could for her so that when she did die, I could at least say there was no stone unturned. I did it all.

I know, not very encouraging but quite frankly, it's true.

An alcoholic has to come to terms with themselves and there isn't a bloody thing you can do to speed up that process. We have food, they have alcohol. Is there anything anyone did or said that made a difference to you before you were ready to change your life? Not darned likely.

Hang in there, it's no easy task.

[claramae 0]

Good luck to you, Claramae. And from Green. Keep on posting. How did your first fill go?

Green, thanks for the kind and encouraging words. I have read every post here and thanks everyone!!! I try to distance myself from my daughter and her upside down life. When she calls me, sceaming where have you been, then I feel guilty. It takes me several days to shake the guilt off, but I finally dust myself off.

First fill went great. If I did not know what he was doing, I would have not known anything was going on. I am on liquids the first 24 hours, so really I do not feel any restrictions yet.

I appreciate you all so much. :love:

[julialois 0]

I, too am a mother of an alcoholic. He's been sober now for 3 years, and finally appears to be on the road,, but we all know it just takes one. He was lucky enough to have a good judge when he had his 2nd DUI and she sent him to rehab for a month. Costly for him, but even he was grateful. Although I didn't go to AlAnon, it is supportive. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Hugs to you.