Forgiveness...anyone?

[Pam_2-06-2017 375]

Ok...so I'm down some weight. I'm the same person for the most part. Although my inside and outside feels pretty darned good right now.

Problem: I feel resentment to all those people who treated me badly or differently based on my weight.

Examples: My husband has been inviting me to go with him everywhere recently. He even mentioned taking me dancing once or twice. This is total shocker because he always said he didn't want to dance anymore because he'd "mess up his knee". We did so little together that it even feels weird to sit in his truck. I love him dearly and I know that he loves me but I always suspected he was embarrassed of me and I feel like it is proven. How can I not resent that? Years of unhappiness have just been confirmed. Am I being to sensitive?

My best friend never calls me anymore. She was my eating buddy. I went to lunch with her a couple times a week and we would share so much. I miss her but she is no longer available to me. Am I being too sensitive?

My "friends" feel perfectly comfortable calling me names. "The incredible shrinking woman", "skinny minnie". Each interaction starts with a weird introduction like that. I'm not sure if they are joking, trying to make me feel good or just being snarky. Am I being too sensitive?

What strategies or thought processes have you used to forgive or not resent how your weight loss has changed they way people treat you?

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

First you probably are being sensitive. Hormones post-op are a mofo.

Is your best friend a plus sized woman?

As far as your husband, so many things could be going on there. This is a bad time to jump to conclusions or make rash decisions.

First he could just be trying to support you in your weight loss by taking you places

Previously you might have made him feel like you didn't want to go places and he made excuses to make that okay

He could be insecure and feel like he needs to court you now to keep you.

Men are visual, he might just be enjoying the new you.

I love when my dog gets groomed he is super cute but I love him when he isn't groomed. When he is freshly groomed I dress him more than when his hair is long. It has nothing to with loving him less or more, it just is.

You should be happy your husband still wants you. There are lots of people that post here, lose weight, and their husbands don't want them, ignore them and abuse them.

Edited July 29, 2017 by OutsideMatchInside

[Joann454 1,329]

What outside said. Every word.
Also, women feel perfectly fine commenting on each other's bodies, which is weird in many ways because we fight so hard to stop body shaming. My guesses are that they're trying to compliment you but may be insecure as well. If it's meant mean spirited you'll know. For now assume it's you and not them because you're definitely in the hormonal phase (luckily it didn't happen to me but I'm the outlier here) because I have an issue holding my tongue and then have to apologize a lot.
Try not to project or assume why people are behaving the way the are and enjoy your new figure and your new life. Change is tough. Even good change.

[Newme17 3,444]

@OutsideMatchInside says it good. I've had the same feelings/resentments with my hubby from time to time, BUT I know that I cannot hold on to what may be not even true. I love my husband and am happy he is embracing me getting smaller. You'll have to make the decision to let go, forgive and move on. So YOU can be a better person about it all.

[SuperDave 1,115]

They are the same people they were before. You are the one that has changed. Some people deal with change well, others do not. Embrace the new you. Don't worry about the old.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Exactly what everyone has said here.

Chances are you sent some of those negative messages about your body to your husband before your surgery. We do it and don't even realize it sometimes.

Your friend may think you will judge her on her weight or what she eats or maybe is afraid you don't want to do 'lunch' anymore. So call her up and get a mani-pedi together at lunch time instead.

You should hear me b!tch about putting pantyhose on my fat arss before a square dance, I'm surprised my husband ever wanted to go after my tirade. It's because there is a group of 'Barbie dolls' at our dances and I am mega insecure and mega jealous of the way they look. Dammit I want to look like them. They are nice ladies every one of them.

Relax and enjoy your time with your husband. Have fun! Go dancing.

[LaRein 20]

Hi! I am also having a hard time with husband feelings. I definitely know he loves me but.. he stopped being affectionate a long time ago and now I have lost almost 40 pounds he is all touchy and stuff. I am still the same person inside. Except I do most of the healthy cooking now. I am about 6 weeks out of sleeve. How do I overcome and just enjoy more of his attention? When in past I cried in myself for more from him? Any suggestions?

[Berry78 4,261]

For those that felt "slighted" when they were heavier, and now that they've lost weight they seem more desirable.. that's because it's true.

WE ARE MORE DESIRABLE WHEN WE AREN'T MORBIDLY OBESE.

Morbidly obese people have a puffy, swollen, sick look to their faces (not even talking about the rest of them). Attraction has a biologically driven motivator.. reproduction. Sick people aren't going to reproduce as well as healthy people. This is biology people, and your men can't help it.

My hubby started a diet about a month ago, and has dropped 25lbs. He looks SOOO much more attractive! He DID look puffy and sickly. (And I'm SURE it cost him a promotion at work, even!) Did I love him before? Of course! But healthy is attractive, and he is also a tad more... exuberant? Before starting the diet he was very sullen and angry, he seems more even-tempered now.

My point is that weight loss changes so many things for us, in addition to our looks. So just take the increased attention as a natural consequence of your decision to get healthy, and enjoy it! (I love my physical self more now, why wouldn't someone else get to too?)

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

So.. When you were fat your husband did not want to take you anywere, now your not as fat he wants to show you off. ..

Thats not human at all divorce him pronto.

Joke.

I would be hurt to , but he is human your looking what he considers hot and wants to show you off, he loved you when you were fat but did not want to show you off, but he still loved you.

Your friends jelous, what can ya do?

[Pam_2-06-2017 375]

This is the stark reality that I needed to hear. It is so easy to fall into the blame game instead of taking responsibility for my role in how the last 20 years have played out.

Pam

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

This is the stark reality that I needed to hear. It is so easy to fall into the blame game instead of taking responsibility for my role in how the last 20 years have played out.

Pam

Sorry if my responce sounded insensitive. Your feelings are valid!

20 years is a long time you both invested for you to not be able to communicate how you feel.

We all kno you were hot big or small


Sent from my Swift 2 using BariatricPal mobile app

[akaet 91]

Change happens and it's common that they act more involved, he may feel threatened and may feel as he's going to loose you.
I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about this. Take it one day at a time. It's great that he wants to be more involved he did stay by your side no matter what. I'm sure he loves you.


Aka_ET

HW-220
Pre-op 194.3
RNY
SD June 16th 2017
CW-176
GW-140
HT 5' 3"
[emoji120][emoji878][emoji1272]

"You may see me struggle but you will never see me quit"

[Missy161 395]

I agree with all said here. I think it might help to have a counselor - you are going through dramatic changes and having someone who is objective might really help give you insight. A counselor could also give you some great suggestions on how to work through those feelings.


Mich W
Hw 223, SW 217 CW 196.6 GW 135

[Mersh 173]

My closest friend is my gut. We've been together longer than anyone I know. So loosing him will be hard. But I'm glad he'll go away.

As for people. People suck, even at the best of times. Words will come out and they will fall hard. I'm learning that offence is only mine to take hold of if I choose to. I'm way stronger and way more confident in who I am and who I am becoming to allow misguided words or even pointed on purpose words effect me.

Its a hard process to walk through to come to this point, but trust me. You are way more valuable than you realize and you deserve to be treated as such. And don't feel bad calling out some of that bullshit as well. Simply ask people, what changed to make they say something like that, because those words aren't comfortable. Usually its jealously and ego. As for your husband, he likely wants to Celebrate with you and show you off a bit... Enjoy that attention.