Handling the negativity of mom

[Cota129 0]

I have a great mom, don't get me wrong. She is loving and generous, but very hard to please. I should be having surgery next month, and I will tell her after all is scheduled. Over the years, my sisters and I have become very skilled at letting her comments roll off. I am the oldest. Before my sister had GBS 6 years ago, my mother was always harping on her weight, 300+. Now she weighs 140 and looks spectacular. Now my mom complains that she is too thin. She also blames every cold and flu on "the surgery". My other sister lost 70 lb. through Weight Watchers. Again, complaints from mom that now she's too thin. She also looks great and weighs in at 130. If she goes to the bathroom during a meal, my mom accuses her of purging (she's not, just peeing!). I weigh 275 and I know from the sisters that she also is frequently bringing my weight up to them. I know she is going to have something negative to say to me. I am prepared for her and have lots of support, but it's still my mom and her voice rings in my head whether I want it to or not. How do others handle negative comments? BTW, my mother is barely 5 feet tall and has never weighed more than 110 in her life. She has no clue what being overweight is. She always tells me her meals because she thinks that will give me have a better idea of how to eat. Believe me, I know how to eat :biggrin1:. I don't want her support if she can't truly give it to me. I'm just wondering how others deal with others who are negative and, sometimes, mean. Thank you.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Just don't tell her. It's really between you and your doc anyway.

[LauraD 2]

There's a big difference between negative "people" and a negative mother. I can speak from experience! I always tell people that my mom didn't just see the glass half empty, she wondered who drank the other half of her glass.

I can only suggest two things. One is remembering that your mom sees the world in a funhouse mirror: no matter what angle she views it from, it will always be skewed and stretched.

The other is applying a quote from my therapist, about my mother: "She may have done the best job she could, but that doesn't mean she did a good job."

I'm glad you have your sisters for support, you can all be strong together.

[METALBAND 0]

Good advice Laura D!!! I agree with Wasa too, just do not tell her. I did not tell mine or my sisters for the same reason. I just do not have the energy to deal with the comments or negativity. I am doing this for me and my family and that all who knows.

Good luck.....it is harder to block out the Mom voice, I know but once you start to feel better....it gets easier!

[ragdollx19 1]

I would tell her because its your Mom and I would like my child to tell me they were having a surgery no matter how simple it was. She probably will have all kinds of negative things to say because she is ignorant about the band and how it works. If its possible teach her about it and how it works? I realize this may not do a whole lot. You sound pretty grounded in your decision and like your sisters will support you so any negativity from your Mom shouldn't affect you too much. You will always have your sisters to unload on when she does say something that sets you off.

And of course... WHO CARES what anyone else thinks this surgery is for YOU!

[Cerrin 3]

Has anyone sat down and talked to her about her comments?

I would probably ask her point blank. What do you want me to do. You complained when I was heavy now your complaining because I am smaller. Your not helpping my situation. Are you unhappy about something?

You know kind of turn the conversation back on her maybe she is having issues.

I was not going to tell my brother and sister but my dad who cant keep his trap shut told them I was very upset at him for it. But their is nothing I can do now they all know so oh well.

My mom understood why I didnt want them to know I guess dad just didnt get it.

[Marimaru 7]

It's hard with parents. Most people that age aren't going to change, even if they CAN admit they have bad behavior (which most of them can't). You give very little detail about your issues with your mom, but I get kind of a feeling from it that your relationship with your mom is similar to mine (I am also the oldest of 3 girls). I just spent the last 2 years in counceling basically coming to terms with the idea that my mom is who she is, and it's ME that has to figure out how to deal with it, and figure out how to filter out the hurtful comments.

Honestly, after that much time I don't have many answers other than that I feel more like it's HER issue than something I need to fix, you know?

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I would tell her because its your Mom and I would like my child to tell me they were having a surgery no matter how simple it was. She probably will have all kinds of negative things to say because she is ignorant about the band and how it works. If its possible teach her about it and how it works? I realize this may not do a whole lot. You sound pretty grounded in your decision and like your sisters will support you so any negativity from your Mom shouldn't affect you too much. You will always have your sisters to unload on when she does say something that sets you off.

And of course... WHO CARES what anyone else thinks this surgery is for YOU!

For me, this did a world of good, and that is excellent advice. My Mom is very similar to the OP's Mom. I brought my Mom to the last seminar at my hospital and she has really learned alot.

She has not been bugging me about it much at all, and actually has been getting excited right along with me as things are falling into place.

I'm glad I worked this out with her. Her opinion of me means so much! :Banane30:

[Chris61 0]

I will agree with all that has been said here. I have the same problem with my mother she is allways complaining about my dad. I finally asked her the other day how much weight he needs to loose in regards to his bad knees. She did not say a word at all. All she talks about is him going to see the fat lady's while he is at the pool swiming. I have not told here or my side of the family the we have both had the surgery and doing well. I think I will wait until I go and see them the next time and then drop the bomb shell then.

Chris

[susaninnkc 0]

My mom is very negative about everything!!! Even when I was only 20pounds overweight she told me I was obese. On my Psych. evaluation she told me to keep my mom out of my weight loss and don't invite her when I have my surgery. I know it sounds cruel. But it was very good advise. When she ask me about how my weight loss is going I tell her how much I have lost and that my doctor is very pleased with it and change the subject. And now I can say I am finally after 40years getting a grip on my weight and what caused me to eat.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

My parents had passed away before my surgery. Not sure about my Mom but I'm very sure my Dad would have been ultra supportive. He would have hated that I went to Mexico, he would have been exceedingly anti-Mexico for surgery but the band itself, he would have been great.

My skinny sis is who I worried about. You know, the size 4 type and how they view fat folks. But she turned out to be my biggest supporter and always has been. When I send an email with my updated weight loss she forwards it to all her coworkers. I know, because I get emails of congrats from people I have no idea who they are. :Banane10: They all work with her.

My other sis... that's a different story.

I wouldn't tell anyone that will try to "down" you for your efforts. While support isn't a necessary thing during weight loss, it's sure nice to have it. The negative stuff just makes something that is already hard - harder.

[Sdaviscs 0]

Yes, I can relate. One thing different though, my mother has passed and the messages are still in my head. From early ages to present my family says to me "when are you going to loose that weight" versus saying hello. I have made a decision not to tell my family, except my husband and inlaws. They support this 100% and I have gathered support from a family of choice. People need to walk a mile in "our shoes" to see the heart we incur...maybe they would stop being so cruel.

Please take care of yourself....despite the negative comments of family.

Can relate,

[Cerrin 3]

No matter what we do we will get negitive comments from someone.

One of my friends has a serious medical condition where she is no longer able to eat processed food or animal by products. or drink alot of things. and no fake sugar.

She has lost a bunch of weight in the process. all of us are suportive of her but she gets mad sometimes because she JUST bought a pair of shorts that she loves not they fall off her and she gets so mad at it. We all just laugh and tease her out of it. The hardest part is when we have gatherings it is automatic to offer her Cookies or dips just to be polite. but she cant have them. so we try to make something she can have. Ihope they will be this supporitive of me after I am banded. Knowing them they will be.

[TeTe2 0]

My mom is very similiar to what I have read. We haven't had the best relationship - old hurts heal slowly - plus we are alot alike. I haven't been banded yet, but she knows about all the nutrition classes & dr appts & everything that goes along w/ being pre-op. She makes comments of support like she's happy that I'm having the surgery, it's the best thing I could do for myself, yada yada yada, BUT now as each of my approvals come in & I'm getting closer to a surgery date & getting a little more nervous with each day. She has started in - "full liquids for a month -are you sure you can do it???"...."you can never have soda again because of the carbination- I don't see you doing that!!!"....."sugar-free & fat-free - I can't wait to see that."

I try to rationalize it to myself that I'm sure she is nervous for me too. I think of it as: she's worrying out loud. After all - these are big lifestyle changes to be made - not like all the previous failed diets that I stopped when I had had enough deprivation.

I sometimes have to remind her -"Hey mom just be happy for me...stop stressing me out?" Well it lasts for a few days anyway.....

[Sula 0]

I quit sodas January 1...and haven't had one since. I was banded mid-january.

I think the most direct approach might be best if you decide to tell your Mom. Just confront her "assertively" when she makes a comment that puts you off. I teach people to say "what makes you say that?" which puts the issue back on them to defend their inappropriate comment....then, when/if they respond...I tell people to say...."hmmmmm, that's interesting...." and say no more.

Or, you could confront each time and say, when you said...blah blah blah, I felt.. "hurt, sad, angry, whatever" and I'd like you to stop. Communication 101....takes practice.

Good luck