Impact on children

[melunruh 91]

Hi everyone! I was sleeved 9/26/2016. I'm down a bit over 90lbs. My husband was sleeved 4/14/2017 and is down 60lbs.
We have two children, a 13yr old daughter (5'5",230lbs), and a 10 yr old son (athletic, but chubby).
As you all know, 13 is a formative /tender age in a young girls life. I have a good relationship with her, been very open about why I had surgery etc. And she's been fantastic about supporting me in all the changes I'm still striving to make.
We've had a few touchy points lately. The first is when it became evident that I couldn't shop and try on clothes with her at lane Bryant or Avenue, and almost torrid now.
The most recent is when we went to six flags. I can now fit in any ride without question, she barely fit in some. Only saving grace is my husband was still too large for some. However, in her breakdowns to me, she's very aware that he'll be fitting without any problems next year. ..but she may not be.
I'm struggling with so many things.
1)mama guilt, I built these bad habits in her and I gave myself an out, but she's still stuck with them.
2)mama guilt, how do I help her out? I'mcooking healthy, but not limiting her portions and I'm not wanting to go crazy with that and add to her self image issue.
3)She is limited on physical activity-severe dislocation and break of growth plate in hey ankle 2.5 years ago that still causes her pain every day. We used to go on walks after dinner, but it's gotten soon hot/humid lately. She does go to my personal trainer with me once a week.
I'm currently looking up/researching family counselors.
Any thoughts from those that have gone through this?
Helping me is hurting my baby girl, and that's killing me.

[LaurenP 4]

Let me start by saying that I am not a mother, but I started thinking about surgery because of my mother who considered surgery.

Your daughters weight is so much more complicated than calories in, calories out. There are a lot of genetic factors at play that may be making it more difficult for her, add on her physical limitation and it's a tough hand to be dealt. But her weight is not your fault. Let me say that again. Her weight is not your fault.

Also, you cannot make her lose weight. She has to choose to limit her portions, find movement that feels good and assess if there are any psychological reasons as to why she is overweight. You cannot make her do the work.

When she comes to you with concerns with her body I encourage you to guide her to researching different ways that may work for her. If she chooses, a nutritionist or counselor may be a big help. With her being so young she will have an easier time changing bad habits and her metabolism is more pliable than you or your husbands.

You are doing a great job by modeling a healthy lifestyle and eating a nutritious diet. You are also showing her that it is important to respect your body and invest in yourself. That is priceless. Kudos mama.

Some resources you both may find helpful would be:
Intuitive Eating by Tribole and Resch
Healthy at Every Size by Linda Bacon

[GBLady41 393]

Hi everyone! I was sleeved 9/26/2016. I'm down a bit over 90lbs. My husband was sleeved 4/14/2017 and is down 60lbs.
We have two children, a 13yr old daughter (5'5",230lbs), and a 10 yr old son (athletic, but chubby).
As you all know, 13 is a formative /tender age in a young girls life. I have a good relationship with her, been very open about why I had surgery etc. And she's been fantastic about supporting me in all the changes I'm still striving to make.
We've had a few touchy points lately. The first is when it became evident that I couldn't shop and try on clothes with her at lane Bryant or Avenue, and almost torrid now.
The most recent is when we went to six flags. I can now fit in any ride without question, she barely fit in some. Only saving grace is my husband was still too large for some. However, in her breakdowns to me, she's very aware that he'll be fitting without any problems next year. ..but she may not be.
I'm struggling with so many things.
1)mama guilt, I built these bad habits in her and I gave myself an out, but she's still stuck with them.
2)mama guilt, how do I help her out? I'mcooking healthy, but not limiting her portions and I'm not wanting to go crazy with that and add to her self image issue.
3)She is limited on physical activity-severe dislocation and break of growth plate in hey ankle 2.5 years ago that still causes her pain every day. We used to go on walks after dinner, but it's gotten soon hot/humid lately. She does go to my personal trainer with me once a week.
I'm currently looking up/researching family counselors.
Any thoughts from those that have gone through this?
Helping me is hurting my baby girl, and that's killing me.

The only thing you can do is to continue to model healthy eating in front of her. You didn't 'build' these bad habits in her. She chose to eat the bad foods.

You didn't give yourself a way out...you took a course of action that can give you your life back. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. That's the best thing you and your husband can do.

Her limitations in activity could be a great talking point to help her to limit her own portions, because doing so would help her to be more active with less weight.

And finally, helping yourself is definitely NOT hurting your child. She supports you so she knows what this means to you and her father.

As a parent, the best you can do is give examples of how to live, how to eat, how to be healthy, etc. My child is 19 and I had surgery last December. She supports me. She's also going through her own identity crisis. She sees me eating healthy, but she doesn't. Counseling may help, but understand that she has to find her own way. Change is always hard. But she will bounce back.

And she's 13....having touchy points come with the territory. She needs to know that with her good choices, she can soon be going with you to different stores because she has lost weight. It's all about choices.

[travelergirl 142]

I am not a mother, but I am a daughter. My mother grew up being criticized by her mother/my grandmother. My mom was always feeling targeted and bullied because she wasn't as slender or pretty as my aunt.
So, when my mother had children she went the opposite. She never said anything about my weight or my food choices. I was allowed to eat whatever whenever I wanted. My mother gained weight herself and ended up close to 400 lb. So, I never had a good role model.
From my perspective you making changes may hurt temporarily while she feels left behind, but you have several years to help her/show her good food habits.
Involve her in meal planning (including figuring out the nutrients) and grocery shopping and cooking. Have her help you weigh out and portion yours and your husband's food. She can then choose her portion.
I believe children 10 and over can join weight watchers with a doctor's note. Find out if she would be interested in going and offer to go with her.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. This isn't easy.
But taking care of yourself and being healthy are fabulous things for your daughter to witness.
(My mother is now about 250. After she retired 12 years ago she began to take her diabetes seriously and has lost the weight slowly but consistently. My blood sugar and A1C were getting high and after watching her deal with diabetes...this was a big reason I went for the surgey.)

Sent from my SM-G920V using BariatricPal mobile app

[melunruh 91]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and suggestions! We're slowly working through one day at a time and she has an appointment with a nutritionist next week.

SW:269
CW:170
GW:154
Sleeved 9/26/2016

[Diana_in_Philly 1,426]

Is there a gym or a Y nearby with a pool? I have really bad knees (as in I should have them replaced) and when I was at my heaviest, Water was my friend. When I had my ankle rebuilt after surgery about 10 years ago - I could only do stuff in the pool for the longest time. It was very helpful.

I'm a mom. I get it. I was sleeved 8/23/16 and am half a pound away from 100. My daughters are 17 (leaving for college next week) 5'1" and 180 pounds and 14 - 5 feet and about 170. I am now giving things that I grow out of to the girls - e.g. I wear size 8 or 10 jeans and they are wearing 12s. I have modeled good behavior since my surgery and slightly before and I cook healthy and try to limit portion sizes without saying anything (I plate everything rather than serve family style).

My older daughter made the decision to lose some weight so she set up an account on My Fitness Pal, has been tracking her calories, exercising more and worked with my personal trainer to develop an exercise routine she can take to college with her.

Not having as much luck with the younger one - she stopped fencing in March - I tried on her gear and when I fit I used the remaining five lessons she had and now I'm fencing - wearing the pants of a 14 year old! I'm not pushing her.

My mother called me fat, ugly and stupid my whole life. I won't do that to my girls. She'll get there. I can't make her lose weight. I can model good behavior around food. I can hope that she finds an exercise she likes. I can hope that maybe one of her friends who is more athletic will nudge her in the right direction.

Let go of the guilt. But do try to find a pool for your daughter - that will make even water walking way less painful than an after dinner walk around the block.

[melunruh 91]

Fantastic advice regarding the pool! Our neighborhood pool is open till 10pm every night, an evening swim/play vs a walk would be a great idea, at least a couple nights a week.

SW:269
CW:170
GW:154
Sleeved 9/26/2016