The relationship impact

[Guest]

I attended a WLS support group meeting with other bypass patients and a story was relayed to me by a man who had a long time gf which ended after the WLS because she couldn't handle the saggy skin. Not just this once but 4 other times since his surgery more than 2 years ago has he had women stop seeing him because of his appearance without clothing. One woman went so far as to tell him that when they met he looked great but it was like "false advertising" after getting to the intimacy phase (I know, I would have knocked the outta her too) So yes we all know this is beyond shallow but hearing this man tell it, I would imagine there may be others out there who have experienced negative experiences from intimate partners who felt the sight of all that loose skin was a turn off.

I felt bad for him as he seemed broken up about it, but he still maintained his positive composure since so many other health issues were reversed like his diabetes and blood pressure. He did admit that he is no longer seeking any companionship because of the impact the skin has had on his social life. Plastic surgery was not an option, insurance did not see the medical necessity since there were no adverse side effects from the loose skin he had (no rashes, no infections etc). Seems to me his mental health is being seriously affected and plastic surgery should be a consideration but we all know how insurance companies love to scrimp and save money where they can.

I now have a concern. As I continue my journey and weight continues to drop, will I have to endure this kind of treatment? I don't react well to shallow princesses and have a bad habit of finding ways to knock them off their high horses....comes from the days of being bullied as the fat kid in school so my acerbic wit and double edged sharp tongue have ways of finding anyone's Achilles heel. I have not considered doing any dating yet and after hearing this poor chap confess before the group about his body image issues and intimacy experiences, I am wondering if I will consider dating after reaching my goal weight. I think this abhorrent treatment is inexcusable and I am curious to know who else may have experienced something like this and how did you or how are you dealing with it?

[sgc 538]

I can't even get a date, much less intimacy. However, I have decided to get plastic surgery. The skin on my back is so bad it's pulling on my back and causing pain. I figure I might as well wait until I'm a finished product so I'm not even trying right now. I imagine skin will be a hang up. When you take off your clothes and you instantly deflate, it is like you're hiding something.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

What was the age of this guy? I imagine people in their 20s and 30s would expect perfect or nice bodies but that isn't really the case with people over 40.

I have never had a guy comment on my loose skin. Men just tell me I am beautiful. I don't date bums either, I date well established well educated men that have their choice of women. I look good in clothes and for my age group, I still look decent without clothes.

I have my own issues with it, but the more weight I lose and maintain relative stability the better it gets.

Also when I was in my 20s I dated a guy that had massive weight loss naturally, and he had a ton of lose skin on his torso. I didn't care he was 6'7. LOL all is forgiven at that height.

[XYZXYZXYZ1955 675]

This is one of my concerns . . . I've been seeing a man who likes me at this size (mysterious to me, but I appreciate it). I'm wondering if he will be turned off when I'm a more normal weight and especially by the loose skin (and saggy breasts?). I need to do this for my health, but I'm a little concerned about this. I'll just wait and see what happens . . .

[Queen of Crop 1,104]

Good morning from Amsterdam! Good thread...I did have saggy boobs and stomach and did have plastics; a breas lift and TT. Now I am 5 years outs. Before I had them I was a bit self-concious in intimate situations (got involved in Tantra so was around lots of naked people but fascinating people who are more interested in sensuality, not just sex). But no one treated me unkind at all. In the end, I did it for ME. My breasts are fabulous and I cannot even imagine having my old saggy things there (for me first!!!). My Tummy Tuck is OK, but I have a HUGE Frankenstien scar which is very noticeable. I paid for both myself, and you just have to decide to do what works for you. If you are a happy, healthy person, then just be honest upfront when you think things might get intimate. Depending on how the other person reacts, you can figure out something about their inner self. Good luck to all of you !

[kathy51 17]

I am pre-wls, but once I am at my goal weight I plan to reanalyze my self image needs. I know insurance doesn't cover the cosmetic repairs, but they really aren't a so expensive that you couldn't save for it if you really feel the need. If a partner really cares for you and it bothers them & you, it seems to me they could make it a joint effort. Its not like it cost a million dollars. I already know I will likely want at least 2-3 areas fixed so I am making plans now by cutting back and saving my money. It is a personal choice.

[The 147]

14 hours ago, russdroppings said:

I attended a WLS support group meeting with other bypass patients and a story was relayed to me by a man who had a long time gf which ended after the WLS because she couldn't handle the saggy skin. Not just this once but 4 other times since his surgery more than 2 years ago has he had women stop seeing him because of his appearance without clothing. One woman went so far as to tell him that when they met he looked great but it was like "false advertising" after getting to the intimacy phase (I know, I would have knocked the outta her too) So yes we all know this is beyond shallow but hearing this man tell it, I would imagine there may be others out there who have experienced negative experiences from intimate partners who felt the sight of all that loose skin was a turn off.

I felt bad for him as he seemed broken up about it, but he still maintained his positive composure since so many other health issues were reversed like his diabetes and blood pressure. He did admit that he is no longer seeking any companionship because of the impact the skin has had on his social life. Plastic surgery was not an option, insurance did not see the medical necessity since there were no adverse side effects from the loose skin he had (no rashes, no infections etc). Seems to me his mental health is being seriously affected and plastic surgery should be a consideration but we all know how insurance companies love to scrimp and save money where they can.

I now have a concern. As I continue my journey and weight continues to drop, will I have to endure this kind of treatment? I don't react well to shallow princesses and have a bad habit of finding ways to knock them off their high horses....comes from the days of being bullied as the fat kid in school so my acerbic wit and double edged sharp tongue have ways of finding anyone's Achilles heel. I have not considered doing any dating yet and after hearing this poor chap confess before the group about his body image issues and intimacy experiences, I am wondering if I will consider dating after reaching my goal weight. I think this abhorrent treatment is inexcusable and I am curious to know who else may have experienced something like this and how did you or how are you dealing with it?

To quote:

"(I know, I would have knocked the outta her too)"

Seriously? Ever considered how serious a plague violence against women is in our society? I'd keep that one to yourself. Or better still get your head right before you worry about a third party's reported experience of body image issues.

Edited July 4, 2017 by TheUnrealJohn

[Joann454 1,329]

To quote:
"(I know, I would have knocked the outta her too)"
Seriously? Ever considered how serious a plague violence against women is in our society? I'd keep that one to yourself. Or better still get your head right before you worry about a third party's reported experience of body image issues.

That rubbed me the wrong way too. Even if it's a joke, not cool.

[DedicatedLady 139]

Did you guys want some cheese with your whine?

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

1 hour ago, TheUnrealJohn said:

To quote:

"(I know, I would have knocked the outta her too)"

Seriously? Ever considered how serious a plague violence against women is in our society? I'd keep that one to yourself. Or better still get your head right before you worry about a third party's reported experience of body image issues.

And in the online dating threads people wonder why I am so mercenary with how I date. This is exactly why. Too many bitter men (mostly middle aged), upset about not getting what they want. They feel entitled to women, and to a certain type of woman and if you don't respond how they want, they flip on you. Women have to be careful, very careful.

Edited July 4, 2017 by OutsideMatchInside

[Guest]

3 hours ago, TheUnrealJohn said:

To quote:

"(I know, I would have knocked the outta her too)"

Seriously? Ever considered how serious a plague violence against women is in our society? I'd keep that one to yourself. Or better still get your head right before you worry about a third party's reported experience of body image issues.

It was a figure of speech a thought that occurred in response to such a cruel moment to someone. e.g. "it makes me so mad I could spit" or "he makes me so mad I could smack him"

Not a direct statement of intent. I do not use violence unless violence is brought against me. As for violence on women unless I am under direct attack no I have never used violence on anyone

[Joann454 1,329]

It was a figure of speech a thought that occurred in response to such a cruel moment to someone. e.g. "it makes me so mad I could spit" or "he makes me so mad I could smack him"
Not a direct statement of intent. I do not use violence unless violence is brought against me. As for violence on women unless I am under direct attack no I have never used violence on anyone

I didn't think you meant it literally.

Having worked with abused women I'm very sensitive to even joking about it. Seen too much.

[Joann454 1,329]

Did you guys want some cheese with your whine?

[Mattymatt 491]

On 7/3/2017 at 7:15 PM, russdroppings said:

I attended a WLS support group meeting with other bypass patients and a story was relayed to me by a man who had a long time gf which ended after the WLS because she couldn't handle the saggy skin. Not just this once but 4 other times since his surgery more than 2 years ago has he had women stop seeing him because of his appearance without clothing. One woman went so far as to tell him that when they met he looked great but it was like "false advertising" after getting to the intimacy phase (I know, I would have knocked the outta her too) So yes we all know this is beyond shallow but hearing this man tell it, I would imagine there may be others out there who have experienced negative experiences from intimate partners who felt the sight of all that loose skin was a turn off.

I felt bad for him as he seemed broken up about it, but he still maintained his positive composure since so many other health issues were reversed like his diabetes and blood pressure. He did admit that he is no longer seeking any companionship because of the impact the skin has had on his social life. Plastic surgery was not an option, insurance did not see the medical necessity since there were no adverse side effects from the loose skin he had (no rashes, no infections etc). Seems to me his mental health is being seriously affected and plastic surgery should be a consideration but we all know how insurance companies love to scrimp and save money where they can.

I now have a concern. As I continue my journey and weight continues to drop, will I have to endure this kind of treatment? I don't react well to shallow princesses and have a bad habit of finding ways to knock them off their high horses....comes from the days of being bullied as the fat kid in school so my acerbic wit and double edged sharp tongue have ways of finding anyone's Achilles heel. I have not considered doing any dating yet and after hearing this poor chap confess before the group about his body image issues and intimacy experiences, I am wondering if I will consider dating after reaching my goal weight. I think this abhorrent treatment is inexcusable and I am curious to know who else may have experienced something like this and how did you or how are you dealing with it?

I'm concerned about having loose skin but I'm so heavy now that I'm relatively unattractive. My goals have nothing to do with appearance. I miss my two loves: the mountains and bicycling. I want them back! Hahaha!

But seriously, I'm right there with you. I tend to brash and acerbic as a result of being bullied. I don't handle bullies very well at all and tend to stick up for others being bullied. Nothing feels better than to emasculate a bully.

They call it the dating game for a reason. It is going to take many attempts before you find the right one. Before I let myself get to the intimacy stage, I want to know her flaws and I want her to know mine. No surprises.