Need some mental health support... (long post)

[avatarkorraa 4]

Hello,

I hope everyone here is doing well on their weight loss journey! I'm posting this because I've been having some serious mental health difficulties after surgery and I don't know what to do. I just need to reach out to other people here who understand the struggles of bariatric surgery and who would be so kind as to offer any words of advice or support.

I had VSG surgery 9 months ago on Sept. 19th, 2016. I started at 285 pounds before Opti and I'm at 180lbs right now, putting me at a total loss of 105 pounds so far. At my ultimate highest weight I was 310lbs. My ultimate goal weight after surgery is 150lbs (I'm 5' 7") and I'm trying SO hard to try and make it there. A little too hard in fact. I was actually diagnosed with an eating disorder by my psychologist at my last follow up and my NUT is concerned with my eating habits.

I've been dealing with a lot of bodily dysmorphia, which I know is definitely normal for bariatric patients due to loose skin or just in the process of getting your mind to catch up with recognizing the physical changes in yourself that everyone else sees. But I'm so unhappy with my body still. I know I've lost a lot of weight, but I still feel so huge and ugly and fat, and I'm so distracted with the way my body looks and with the fact that I still don't feel thin enough. Because of that I've been restricting my meals a lot in an effort to try and lose the rest of the weight faster, thinking it'll make me feel better. I've been skipping meals sometimes, going hours without eating, weighing myself multiple times a day on 3 different scales I have at home, and I've been restricting my calorie and carb intake as much as I can. I know it's unhealthy and a sign of disordered behavior, but I just can't seem to stop doing it, no matter how much I recognize that it's a problem. I track everything I eat on myfitnesspal everyday and I weigh my food using 2 different food scales, and sometimes several times. I'll log say, 15 grams of cheese on myfitnesspal, but only weight 11 grams of it to make sure I'm always eating at a deficit and that I don't accidentally eat too many calories. I've set my calorie goal in myfitnesspal for 900 a day but I never hit it. I have a mental barrier in my mind at 800 calories and most days I feel good when I eat around 700-750. I feel really proud of myself on days I eat closer to 500-600 calories, actually. Other things I'll do, is when I use a spoon to scoop and weigh my Greek yogurt from a carton into a bowl, for example, instead of just using the same spoon to eat my bowl of yogurt I feel obliged to aggressively wash it or just get a new spoon because I don't want to eat any extra calories from the yogurt residue on the spoon. If I don't do that sometimes I'll just lick the spoon and then spit it out whatever was on it into the sink. It's messed up... I know

I know this behavior is really unhealthy, but I can't seem to get over this huge fear I have of food now. I'm honestly so terrified of food. Especially carbs. I had my original limit on myfitnesspal set at 20 net carbs a day, but I'll adjust my daily macros by eating 5 grams less here and there to round it out to 15-16 net carbs a day, because I'm so scared of 'hidden carbs' I may be eating accidentally. As I type this I have a plate of chicken breast that I weighed and logged in myfitnesspal already just sitting beside me because I'm too scared to eat it and I want to cry.

I read all about patients who regained everything after surgery and I'm so scared that'll happen to me. A little voice in my head keeps telling me "if you don't weigh out this lettuce at a slight gram deficit from what you've logged, or if you eat 19 net carbs today when you really should be eating around 15 to make up for any hidden carbs, then you'll just go right back to being 300+ pounds again and miserable with your life If you can't control yourself now, then you won't ever be able to control yourself again and there's nothing stopping you from regained all your weight back".

And that's the thing... while in general I'm dissatisfied with the rate at which I'm losing (I can't help but feel extremely jealous of those people who reach their goal weight at 6 or 8 months postop), and while I hate the fact that my stomach hasn't flattened out yet and I still have a belly that prevents me from wearing the clothes I want, and while I hate the fact that my body feels so disproportionate now, and while I hate the fact that I still have 30 pounds to lose and even if do I reach my goal weight it won't feel like enough......I know I'm MUCH happier after having had the surgery. I like the person I've become, how my personality has changed in subtle ways, and how losing weight has allowed me to be the person who I truly want to be. I always felt that with being fat, you don't get to be the person who you want to be or who you feel you truly are on the inside because you're always hiding from the world. Maybe that's a bit too abstract of a feeling to put in words, but that's how it's been for me at least. I know I'm much happier and confident now, and all my family and friends are so proud of my weight loss. I feel like I can't allow myself to let them down. I keep telling myself that once I reach my goal of 150lbs that I'll allow myself to eat more calories/carbs for maintenance, but in reality I know that my disordered behaviors are only getting worse and in the state I'm in right now I'll never want to stop losing weight. I've wrestled with the idea of trying to get down to 135-125lbs if I can. If I gain back any considerable amount of weight I'm worried I might become suicidal. I know that's a really extreme statement, but I absolutely cannot allow myself to gain weight or I know I'll be completely devastated.

I don't know what to do now. Every time I go to weigh my food or track my meals it honestly just turned into such a mental battle with myself and I keep wanting to lose as much weight as possible. I want to be able to eat normally and responsibly, and not feel like food is the enemy, but I just can't help feeling the way I am now. Food has prevented me from living the life I wanted for so many years and I feel like I'm just not emotionally ready yet to begin to eat normally. My physical health has suffered a lot as a result sadly, and I'm always incredibly tired, fatigued, and my muscle strength is totally non-existent. Even just walking up the stairs in my house has gotten considerably more challenging than how it was before surgery. Exercising is something I really want to do but I honestly just can't with the energy levels I have right now. My blood pressure and blood sugar are always both pretty low too (around 80/50 range and 3.5, respectively).

I really just can't seem to get over these mental struggles unfortunately. It's been quite rough. And that's why I'm desperately seeking your support right now. I'm just looking for some support/encouragement/advice or any kind words in general, because we WLS-ers are all in this together, for both the NSVs and the challenging parts of our respective journeys. If you read this far, thank you so much for listening! I really appreciate it

Edited June 23, 2017 by avatarkorraa

[Carriec07 3]

I am just at the beginning of this journey but have had issues with eating disorders most of my life. Add in depression and anxiety and there was some dark times. I can't offer advice on the surgery part but i can say you took the steps to make yourself healthy and happy. Maybe think back to those days. The days before the surgery and the reasons you wanted to do it. You will always need a relationship with food and right now you're making it an abusive one. Admit you need it. Because you do. You need food. But you're in control of the relationship now. You choose how much and what.
Don't be scared it will be like it was before because it's no where close! Be proud girl! Hokd your head high and say I win! You've lost so much and obviously know how to make the right choices.
I don't know if any of that made sense but if you need a friend to vent to at any time feel free to message me

Sent from my LG-H831 using BariatricPal mobile app

[Joann454 1,329]

Can you contact your Bariatric team to refer you to a therapist who works with WLS patients? You need some guidance with this because you clearly know the behavior is destructive but can't seem to stop, and you really need to stop. I know a part of you wants to. If you eat more you'll be able to exercise and that may help shape your body into something you're happier with. This is about being healthy both mentally and physically. Please don't let this get any more out of control and get the help you need. There is no shame in reaching out. I wish you great success

[DaleCruse 756]

I'm sorry you're hurting. You're worried about going back to being miserable? You sound miserable right now! You're tied up in knots. You're worried about everything, stress over "hidden calories", & exhibit obsessive behaviors. You have no leverage over yourself. I'm a huge Tony Robbins fan & hope this video helps you as much as it helped me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-2AqHBQUzo

[OLIJAI 1]

I feel for you. I really do. Everyone says "You must be so happy with your weight loss" or "You look great", but all you can see is the weight you want to be, the pounds left to loose, and the skin that just won't go away. When I found myself where you are now, I picked a body part I actually like to show off (my legs in shorts or skirts), and I focused on that. Now, I still love my legs, but I've noticed my cheek bones, jaw line and shoulders too. Keep your focus on your changing body and not on the food. I've also started horseback riding again (haven't done that in a loooooong time), and that keeps me focused on the positive things.

I also noticed that if I don't hit a certain amount of calories a day, I feel MISERABLE. I have no energy to ride, and my riding lessons are just awful! I have goals for my riding that I want to meet. That helps me focus on staying healthy, building the right muscles and eating to support strenuous rides (anyone who says that riding is not exercise has never been on a horse before lol). I hope you are able to find a hobby like mine to take your mind away from food and keep your body healthy.

Please see a therapist that specializes in helping people that have had WLS. I think that it's very important.

Much love,

Marcie

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I think an inpatient eating disorder clinic would help you a lot. Even though you had WLS these issues are just typical anorexic behavior.

At a minimum you need a program, and not a just a therapist. At this point, based on what you said about your blood pressure and A1C your health is already at risk.

You really need a Doctor, ASAP.

Edited June 23, 2017 by OutsideMatchInside

[Please 188]

I can't give you any Advice, but I hope you find some help. I really feel for you & I truly hope you get through this a better You! Good Luck 🌷