How has your relationship with food changed?

Marimaru · August 15, 2005

I somehow manage to miss some of the most profound threads when they are first formed. Fortunately, they stay forever, so I can catch, up, lol.

I could not even tell you what I weighed when I was 7 or 8 and put on my first diet. Oddly though, I remember when the diet ended, my mom let me bake a cake and have as much of it as I wanted... and I ate half the damn thing. Other than that, I remember sitting in the kitchen with one of my sisters being told we had to finish what was on our plates while the parents and the other sister (which ever of the 2) went and watched TV, because we had messed around instead of eating during dinner time. I think that's where I got the whole "mostly silent during dinner because of face stuffing" thing. It's not necessary to clean you plate, they just thought that we'd been goofing off so much we didn't eat dinner but we'd want Snacks later. Or maybe I'm wrong and it was necessary to clean the plate, I dunno. My dad had gone bankrupt in realestate, so we lost our 3 story house and our horses when I was 6. For some reason he never really picked back up, so my mom went to work, and was ALWAYS working. While at the time I was upset, I have a huge appreciation for this now. When she couldn't find work in Colorado where she lived, she found a company in California that was supposed to open a call center in Denver within a couple of months, but she could start working out there now and they'd put her in an apartment until the new place was done. A couple of months turned into more and more, and so she REALLY wasn't home much. Dad didn't work because he thought it was important that he be there when we get home from school and whatnot, and mom sent money home for the bills... but somehow the power/water/electric/telephone got shut off intermitently. Apparently he was spending the bill money to do fun things with us instead of paying the bills (the whole goodguy/badguy thing I guess). He ended up filing for divorce, and mom stayed in California permantently, and the custody battle ensued. Dad had me on diets most of the time. Most vividly I remember being on Slimfast at 12, being weighed and forced to write down what the scale said every day (165 burned more vividly in my brain), taking my stupid shake to school, drinking it and the spending all the money I had on the crap that they sell at schools these days. Mom finally won custody (the story of that is a long one, and has it's own issues in my brain, but not really related to food), and she didn't diet me. She didn't have alot of extra money, so there wasn't alot of extra snacks, and she cooked healthily. I probably maintained a 30 to 50 lbs overweight status for 5 years or so. I'm not sure if it was my eating, having a boyfriend who drove (instead of walking everywhere), or starting on Depo Provera that took me from a 14 to an 18 within two years. I just know I graduated as a size 18 (no clue what I weighed then), and first found out about the band at size 24, less than 5 years later.

All of the above, to say that I think my relationship with food comes from fear of deprivation (we had the powdered milk thing too), and rebellion. I was a really good kid, didn't do drugs, didn't sneak out, but I had candy hidden away in my room. I used to buy and eat frosting, but would never do it if I thought people were going to see me. I can't have people seeing me do something a fat person would do, seeing as I'm not fat. Ha. And that's another thing. The denial monster had me trapped until probably 18 months ago. Sure, I need to lose a few lbs, but it wasn't that bad. I think I still had visions of my size 14 self or something.

As to how the relationship has changed... first of all, I flat out refuse to hide my eating. That doesn't make me less defensive mind you. If I have a dish of ice cream and my boyfriend makes a joke about how I'm being "bad" I fly off on a tangent about how many calories I've had, and how many is in the ice cream and how it's okay to have things like this in moderation, etc, etc, when he really was just joking. He'll mention it sometimes if he thinks I'm going over board, but he does it because he knows how depressed I can get if the scale doesn't move, or if (god forbid) it shows an upward movement. I've also had a consious(sp) thought about wanting to eat something because I'm upset, when I can't because I've just had a meal and the band wont let me. Boy was I mad at myself for that one. Talk about your ultimate denial breaker right there. I still like volumn if I am eating something good, which has recently put me on the search for the low calorie, high volumn (band friendly) snacks, and that also has been a learning experience.

I have no idea if the above thoughts are at all comprehensive, I started typing and a whole bunch of stuff came out, but I'm sure it equals something

jqpublic · August 28, 2005

At one point in my life I,was consumed by food I would think of food as a pick me up! if I was down or blue Id eat..I felt better.we use food as chruch much of the time! some time we eat even knowing that we arn't really hungery.

After losing all this weight I, now think much more on Do I, need this or just want it?

then the mind set kicks in I just ate so now I will have to go for walk, walk it off!

well every one Take care most of all God bless!

vinesqueen · October 12, 2005

bumping because I want to.

vinesqueen · January 18, 2006

I felt it was time to revisit this thread. Especially given my experinces while I spent a month too tight, and where I am with my current struggles. I started this thread just over a year ago, it was one of my first posts here to LBT.

I recently spent several days in DC for my scholarship, and had to carefully figure out what I could and could not eat, carefully make sure I knew where all the restrooms were so I could make a break if I had to PB. It was odd.

On another board I belong to they have been talking about the importance of changing my lifestyle, and how I will never be successful as a bandster if I do not change my lifestyle. It's funny. I know they are right, but I know I've changed my lifestyle. I think one of the parts they are missing is the importance of changing the way we relate to food. The way I relate to food.

I never, ever thought it would come to this, but there are days where eating has become a chore to me. Eating is not something that is fun or enjoyable, as it was once before. It isn't to say that I don't revel in the flavors or textures, but food does not hold the allure it once held for me. Not all the time.

Some days it is a case of looking through my considerably empty pantry, asking myself if I really want to eat something or if I'm just bored. Usually, it is because I am bored so I wander away and find something else to do with my hands. I find myself sucking on pens and rings and things just to give my mouth and tounge and teeth something to do because I am not hungry. Because I do not want to eat.

And I marvel in that. Not wanting to eat, not eating because I'm not hungry.