How has your relationship with food changed?

[vinesqueen 2]

I’ve been thinking a lot about food lately, and how I interact with it. The more I read this board, the more I gain a better understanding. Of myself, of others, of my husband. Lisa, I was thinking about what you said about going to the grocery store, and how you hate it there. Not me, I love to go grocery shopping. Back at home we have an upscale market chain called Larry’s Market. Oh, man, I love shopping at Larry’s market, even if I’m just going in for basic stuff. A trip to Larry’s is like going to a bookstore or a small toy store; I get the same sort of relaxed feeling when I’m there. Wow, isn’t that interesting. Hmmm, I’ll have to think on that some more.

The feeling I get at grocery stores is one of … possibility, especially at Larry’s. “oh, I could make that for dinner” or “oooh, truffles” (no, not the chocolate, the mushrooms…) “I could make ciopino and invite people over!” (it’s a spicy Italian seafood stew)

I always have a candy in the house, or an open bar of chocolate or bag of M&Ms. I buy the medium sized bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms.. and it will last me about a month and a half or two. I have a can of Pringles I’ve had since December, unopened. It is all about the possibility. If I have these things near me, I don’t need to eat them. Talk about your comfort food.< /span>

Now ice cream on the other hand, well ice cream = love. This I learned also from my Dad. And a feeder boyfriend--he called it “ice cream therapy.” Whenever I was feeling especially depressed or down, he would take me out for ice cream. Hmmm. Oh yes, good ice cream is a drug of choice. I used it when I was in such pain from carpul tunnel, chocolate chocolate-chip ice cream… Ice cream never seems to stay in my freezer long. I just realize that I haven’t had any in a month, and that is saying quite a bit for me…

One of the things I am doing to get ready for the band is learning to chew-chew-chew every bite I eat. I realized that I was a gulper, hurry and eat fast. (Part of that is no doubt because if there was food on our plates after my dad would finish his, he would poach off everybody’s plates…. He didn’t do this all the time, but often enough that it caused action.) I’ve noticed that some of the food I regularly eat isn’t worth eating. It isn’t worth the time and effort it takes to chew it to smithereens.

And like Lisa, I’m a night eater if I don’t eat Breakfast. And lately I’ve gotten into the bad habit of only having coffee for Breakfast.

I still don’t know how my relationship to food will change once I’ve had my band installed. I suppose all I can do is continue to look at my current relationship with it. Otherwise, how will I know how it changes, or to change the behaviors that have lead me to needing the band?

[vinesqueen 2]

I'm a food hoarder, but to get ready for my band and the new life after that, I've started to empty out my pantry and my freezer. It is rather stressful to open the cupbards and see then bare. But, I think to work through some of the pain I've accumulated, I need to permit myself to empty out my shelves of food. To not only let the food go, but also what it represents in my past life and my current life.

[HarleyNana 10]

Before banding I ate because I like the taste, now I eat when I'm hungry. Grazing is almost gone, not completely though. Now I make good choices, except for this past weekend while in New Orleans, I did have a few bits of a carrot cake.

After beating myself up I remembered I wasn't on a diet anymore and could eat that cake, just not the entire piece and two more pieces. What a wonderful feeling not to pile food on a plate, (when at home I use a salad plate) and then to actually leave food on my plate..... I love my band.

[vinesqueen 2]

I started slowly adding mushy foods back to my diet on Monday. I made my self a pot of Irio and heaven! And who would have ever thought that a one egg omelet du framage for breakfast would keep me full until the late afternoon!

So, I’m back to looking at food, not just Soup. Because I’ve been on liquids for just over two weeks, it’s given me a slightly different perspective than when I originally started thinking about my relationship with food. I am a very good cook, yet I resist cooking for myself because it is “just me.” I guess I think/thought I didn’t/don’t deserve to eat yummy stuff. Here at college I’ve hardly cooked anything for myself that wasn’t a convenience food. The only time I cook something nice is when I have company. Isn’t that sad?

This week I entered my son’s favorite dish into Epicurious’ recipe contest. (chicken and Gnocchi (gnocchi is an Italian potato Pasta. It’s a really different Pasta, not only because it’s the only potato pasta I know of. It takes about 15 – 20 minutes to make start to plate. Even though I’m not a fan of alfredo sauce, I do really enjoy this dish.) The last time I did something like this was when I was a size 12/14 and my son was a baby. (Yup, won blue ribbons for my baking at the county fair…) I haven’t figured out why I suddenly have this renewed desire to enter cooking competitions when I can’t eat solid food. I’m also suddenly creating new recipes as well.

I find that when I go to various restaurants with friends the smell of the food makes me slightly nauseous. This has happened at a couple different places. Not sure what is going on with that though.

I have very little desire to eat most of the time. This is practically out of character for me. No grazing at all. I’m one of the lucky ones that have experienced restriction from day one. Well, I don’t know if I actually have restriction. I’m only having one mushy a day, but a small amount of food satiates me. And that is so gratifying.

As I transition to mushies, I cannot help but wonder what I discover about myself.

[vinesqueen 2]

okay, I told my DH that I figured out that i was a food horder, and he said he knew that from the first time he came over to my house. He said that he figured that I would have clued into that fact when he told me how much he and Spudboy donated to the food bank. Now why would he think that?

[Kara in Texas 8]

My story is very different from so many of yours, yet so very similar. I have had as happy childhood/life as anyone I know. I have two very loving parents that have been together for 30 years. I was raised going to church and was never denied anything, including love, my whole life. I can remember being in the 6th grade and stealing money (small ammts) from my parents wallets to buy candy bars at school. I would go down when everyone had gone home and buy as many as 6-8 a day, 10-15 on the weekends. I would go home, lock myself in my room and eat every one. Waking up early on Saturday mornings was my favorite, because Friday night was Groceries Night.. there was always good Snacks in the house. I would get up around 6AM, watch Cartoons and eat anything I could get my hands on, chips were my favorite. I should back track, when I was four my parents bought me a trampoline because they noticed I was getting chubby, and wanted to try to combat it. Anyway... In HS I was always friends with the popular girls, always had tons of friends.. and plenty of boyfriends (although, I had been taken advantage of) Around the 10th grade, I got into drugs, then I learned that smoking pot..would make me even more hungry and could eat so much delicious food. I would smoke pot, to make me hungry and let me eat more. I stopped smoking pot after HS, but continued to eat... To this day, I do not know why I do this to myself. I have never wanted for anything in my life (anything that I NEEDED and usually anything that I wanted, with in reason) All I know is that when I eat, I have an amazing feeling. I don't know what it is, or why... but I do and that has led me to where I am now. I do not have any idea where my dependency came from, but I am hoping to learn. I have a tiny theory but don't know if it makes any sense. I have ALWAYS been a pleaser, to this day.. all I do is please others. I have never thought about what Kara wants, until...it came to food. THAT pleases me. so that could have something to do with it. I guess I will find out as time goes by and I don't have that crutch to lean on.

[Sunnyone41 0]

Wow, some of your answers are really eye-opening! Mine is not as dramatic, for sure. But yes, my relationship has changed.

I don't like meat at all, because I fear getting stuck on it. It doesn't look good to me now, and I used to just drool over a thick juicy steak ready to eat! Also, piles and platters of food, even TV food advertisements, or someone talking about all the food that is going to be served at an event -- all these things have the reverse effect on me. Since I am only going to eat a tiny amount, hearing about lots and lots of food is unattractive. Also, since I am not really hungry at dinner, I have a very hard time cooking for my husband. The things we used to cook and eat together, I now cook and he eats, I can't get most of them down. I have finally figured out that I am almost stuck to start with in the mornings, having trouble even drinking a Protein milkshake (I do get it down, and my Vitamins & prescriptions, but slowly, over 45 minutes or so, while I am getting ready for work, and it is an every morning chore). For lunch I am much more open -- and can eat a variety of things and do. I am lucky, we have about 18 restaurants near our work. By evening, I am much more closed again, and have been just not eating dinner, just drinking Water. Since I am a very slow loser, I HAVE to stay as tight as I am. Some people would say I am too tight and I would say I am close to that! I have several events of PB's and getting stuck uncomfortably each week (if I try to eat dinner with husband). It bothers him when I don't eat at all, but it bothers him more when I eat little pieces and then get that sick look and burp and have to get up and leave the area. I am finally losing after very slow progress. I am close to losing 30 pounds now and it really shows (finally!). Husband is pleased, my regular Dr. is pleased, and I am really feeling hopeful. I tell people that are cooking for me or having me as a guest not to be offended if I eat very little and have to stop. I do enjoy a variety of foods. Three teaspoons of something is usually enough. I can usually eat a one bite of most anything.

I must make one statement. Even though this is a difficult way to have to eat and think about eating, there is no way my willpower would get me down to this small amount of food. And this little amount of food is what finally has me losing at a nice rate of one pound a week. I have always had good willpower and been able to stay on diets for long times. They just didn't work. This lap band didn't work either, until I got my third fill --- so it is really obvious that I have a slower than usual metabolism. I have been dieting for 50 years. I am now 64, but lead a much younger life. I walk, kayak and do my own housework, my husband is 14 years younger, I work in a young company. I am very blessed and fortunate.

Only last year I was so very frustrated. I thought to myself how can I be over 60 years old, have dieted nearly all my life, and not figured out my weight problem YET? I know carbs and calories like the back of my hand, I have been, at one time, on every diet plan around. I had will power and great personal discipline. Nothing worked. This works. I don't mind it being slow at all.

238/210/155

[bobby_hamrick 0]

I still think of going to eat as something to do and half the time its a waste of money. My band is sometimes you feel like nut sometimes you dont. I can pretty much tell though. When I am focused I know hey its time to eat so what can I eat for energy and to pacify me. Something I comprimise with. Like Soup with chicken breast in (chicken noodle with a portion of rotisserie chicken in it).

I need to eat to live and not eat to sooth or have a past time or hobby! which I dont now well not all the time or even 30% of it.

Breakfast is my health start. Protien shake with all the Herbs and Fiber put in for the day. Fiber is a big problem for me as in not getting it in. I'm very restricted now. I use a juicer too!

Used to I'd eat at a buffet and like 3 plates plus desert and coffee. Not anymore even if I wanted to try it! The band can be forgiving sometimes but not forgotten!!! one plate if I am lucky and some Ice cream later!

[vinesqueen 2]

Last week I realized something rather interesting. I don’t eat in my car anymore. I used to get fast food and eat that on the way to somewhere. Gobble it down really. My car was always full of kids’ meal bags and toys (for me, not my kid), or sandwich wrappers. Now it just looks like I have a drinking problem with all the half finished Water bottles, or the occasional Sobe bottle.

Because I have to chew everything, as opposed to gulping, I have become more mindful of when and what I eat. I have to be very careful to not get really hungry. I know, that sounds like crazy talk, me get hungry? If I get really hungry I forget the proper Bandster etiquette and end up with something getting stuck.

I find myself cooking for myself now. I hardly ever do any fast food anymore, even though I can actually eat little cheese burgers and pizza and … stuff. I don’t do this very often, and my calorie intake is still within range on the days I do have fast food.

It is so different from the before time. I didn’t have to think about food. I didn’t have to be mindful of food. It is almost easier when I didn’t have to think about food, because now it can hurt. Oh sure, it was hurting me before, but a slower, more insidious hurt. Not the “oh my gawd, that is stuck and it hurts” sort of hurt.

I can eat everything I ate before the band was installed, at least everything I’ve tried. Cheeseburgers, pizza, Pasta, rice, eggs, bread… Things get stuck, but I’ve been fortunate that I’ve never had a PB or the slimes. Just smaller quantities than before.

Food is now deliberate.

[vinesqueen 2]

Bumping...

I realized something interesting has happened this summer. I'm not hoarding food any more. Okay, I'm not hording food as much. There.

I am not freaked out when the fridge is empty except for a jar of martini olives, milk and half & half and a bunch of different food lubes and some other stuff.

I am not filled with a vague sence of unease because the pantry shelves have visible space.

[StartingOver 6]

I want to loose about 5 sizes, my goal is to be a size 12-14 and damn what the scales say! I worked with a personal trainer for a while (before I went back to school) and she was a 12-14. I learned the very hard way that the scales lie. Wwhen I was 19 I was an athlete and didn't know it. I weighed 190 pounds, but was a size 12. I was doing judo and tae kwon do 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, but I was still being told I was morbidly obese when I had a BMI of probably around 25%

Remember this post from way back in January??? Don't forget your stance on how much weight the scale has on your progress (no pun intended). You are already down a few sizes, and are celebrating many NSV's.

Stupid scale. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Get the point?

[StartingOver 6]

This is a great thread, I'm glad I just stumbled on to it. I have been thinking alot about my relationship with food lately. In fact, the family and I went out to dinner last night (Chinese). I told DH to order whichever family meal he wanted, as long as it included some type of meat dish that is not breaded, battered, fried, or dripping with sweet sauce (all of which I find absolutely divine.) Instead of eating like I would have pre-band, I had a tid bit of mandarin beef with veggies and a sampling of the kung pao chicken. That's it, and I felt satisfied, not bulging, nor uncomfortable, or completely stuffed and ready for a nap . Then, when DS was finished with his dinner, the restaurant owner brought him one of those orange sherbert/vanilla ice cream dixie cups. He had a few bites and then offered it to me, and I declined. Without even thinking about it, I turned down ice cream? Immediately I realized what I had done, and told my hubby how shocked I was at myself, but at the same time, that I was satisfied with the dinner I had eaten. Am I getting over my ice cream obsession? Am I the same woman who believes that no matter how stuffed and how much pain you are in, there is always room for desert? OMG ! I thought I'd never get a handle on the psychological part of this journey. Looks like I may have a bit of a grip.

Oh yeah, the same happened with the fortune Cookies. I let my son have mine, after I opened it and read the fortune of course. I think it said something about getting bussels of gold???

[loopylou 0]

My dad didn't want me. My mum wanted me with a desperation that was unnatural. My dad was very jealous of me as a baby, so much so that Mum was worried he would hurt me.

I had a dummy (pacifier) until I was 4 - they were all taken away by Father Christmas - I assume in exchange for my presents. By then I had a little baby brother who was 2 and now Mums favourite. Somewhere between 4-5 I was sexually abused by my best friends/next-door neighbours older brother and his friend/s. I didn't tell my Smother as I was told that she would be very angry with me, and would want to kill me. I tried to tell my dad but he didn't seem to notice that their was something wrong when a 4-5yr old complained of sore privates.

I think at this point I turned to food. With no dummy and so much pain where was I to turn but to food? And so began the tug-of-war between my mum and me. Mum was mentally ill, anorexic and food obsessed - she had been a very miserable child and suffered sexual abuse and had real trouble making friends. Mum put me, at this tender age, on my first diet. I needed nothing more than the comfort of food and all she could do was rip it from me. My brother was allowed whatever he wanted to eat. It was agony.

For the next 15 years I was taken from diet club to diet club, psychologist to psychologist and put on every diet known to man. I was bribed, cajoled and blackmailed in an effort to get me to stop eating. I was the family's 'problem child' even though I was well behaved and smart and made friends easily.

My early years at school were difficult - as I was teased terribly - but I seemed to have a level of openess that made it easy for me to make friends. In highschool I was queen of the nerds and I loved my brilliant, funny and gorgeously nerdy friends. So much so that when I had lost weight and looked great at 175 ( and learned that sexiness came from inside!! ) and the most beautiful and popular girl in school asked me to "come hang out with us" meaning the 'beautiful people' of the school, I said no. And I realised that all this time I had thought they had everything that I was really the lucky one - their lives were hollow compared to mine.

I lost my virginity at 15 to a very gorgeous but insistent boy and was date raped at 18. To my shame I then chased the man who raped me and tried to prove to myself that he really cared about me!!??! At this stage I was out of school, overweight again and feeling very low.

I was my mums best friend, her confidante, her spouse (emotionally anyway) and basically her life. I was emotionally blackmailed to comply to her wishes and squashed by her into almost non-existance.

I was a 'born again' fundamentalist Christian from 16-22 and when I left the church it was the greatest pain of my life. I was so lost and hurt and angry. I lost all my friends and all my main hobbies - drama, singing and writing poetry - I just didn't believe anymore and I didn't think it was the most loving way to live anymore. I think I used the church as a way to escape my Smother.

Smother lived her life through me, we had no boundaries between us, I was her and she was me. And it was my job to keep her happy. If she was not happy then dad yelled at me. He couldn't take his anger out on his 'delicate' wife but I was 'big enough' to deal with it!?!

I ate to escape, I ate to rebell, I ate to carve out some space for myself in the world, I ate to give myself the illusion that I existed and was not just an appendage of my Smothers, I ate to cover my 'dangerous' body, to hide from next-door neighbours and boyfriends and dates, I ate to prove I was normal, acceptable and 'ok', I ate because food was my friend - it didn't judge or scold or guilt me, I ate because I was guilty for not being what my smother needed me to be, I ate to soothe and calm my pain, I ate to annihilate myself and become the perfect daughter.

After University I was again about 175 and felt good about my body, I was sexy and pretty and voluptuous. I had a string of fun love affairs but always, desperately wanted to be loved.

In 1999 I began to get sick. I had to stop going to the gym 6 days a week - how can you do aerobics when you have to run to the toilet all the time? The weight began to pile on. When I was 175 it was from working out - I still ate everything and binged regularly.

In 2000, still sick and now about 200, I met my beautiful DH.

Over the next 5 years I got sicker and sicker, heavier and heavier and more and more depressed. I was misdiagnosed with all sorts of things and put on anti-depressants. At the end of 2004 I had a 2mth stay in a psychiatric hospital as I had started to cut myself and become more and more unstable - by this point I weighed nearly 250lbs. Various pills, procedures, sessions and cigarettes later I was allowed to go home.

My time there helped me to understand my childhood, my smother and my eating more. My psychiatrist was the first to mention the band to me. I said "isn't that for really big people?" and he said "you are really big!" OUCH!!

So for about 8mths I thought and thought about the band, I researched and tried on the idea for size. And I liked it.

My psychiatrist said it would force me to face my food issues and feel my feelings instead of swallowing them.

So here I am, banded and batty. GOD, I love to eat. And not like skinny people who love food. I love to gulp and crunch and slam the food down. To stuff and squash and destroy that food. To tear and rip and force the food to behave. I love to control the food, to master the food to feel powerful in the face of the food.

It sounds like the food is something that I am frightened of doesn't it. It sounds like the food is my smother. A mother who was never there for me, who tried to destroy my sense of self and who nearly did.

I guess now I need to find another way to fight her, cause doing it this way is just hurting me...

Thankyou for reading if you made it this far, but, truth to tell, it was most helpful just to write it down and put it out there. Thankyou again.

[vinesqueen 2]

I love to eat. And not like skinny people who love food. I love to gulp and crunch and slam the food down. To stuff and squash and destroy that food. To tear and rip and force the food to behave. I love to control the food, to master the food to feel powerful in the face of the food.

It sounds like the food is something that I am frightened of doesn't it. It sounds like the food is my smother. A mother who was never there for me, who tried to destroy my sense of self and who nearly did.

I guess now I need to find another way to fight her, cause doing it this way is just hurting me...

Thankyou for reading if you made it this far, but, truth to tell, it was most helpful just to write it down and put it out there. Thankyou again.

Wow Lou, this is very poetic! And very insightful. I'm sorry you had do endure such hard life lessons.

[Jachut 487]

Wow, I'm a very lucky person, some of you have had hard hard lives and I'm really sorry for that.

My food issues arent so extreme, I'm not really a binger and I dont have any real problems, I'm just a chronic overeater. I've always been 10 to 15 kilos overweight, but never obese till the last seven or eight years. Most of my excess weight came on inexplicably - whilst I was breastfeeding each of my three kids I just piled it on and on and on, without noticeably eating more, but that old adage that breastfeeding makes you lose your pregnancy weight wasnt true for me, luckily I actually lost weight during the pregnancies to give myself a bit of leeway, lol.

I'm a disorganised eater, meaning, I hate grocery shopping with a passion, I'm frantic and flat out and trying to raise 3 kids and do a university degree and I suddenly raise my head at 6.pm and realise I have nothing for dinner and its either bundle them all up in the car and race out or order in and for a while we've been ordering in an awful lot.

I get up and am busy getting the kids ready for school and dont find time for breakfast and then suddenly get starving at 11 am (when I'm normally out) and so then its a huge muffin and a big cappucino so of course I'm not hungry at lunchtime so I dont eat and then when I've gotten the kids home from school that afternoon is yawning before me and I"m hungry again and so are they so I eat more crap. If I actually ate at mealtimes I would eat appropriate food. I dont ever sit down to eat an entire packed of biscuits, but I cant eat one or two, I have to eat till I"m full as if I ate a meal so its four or five or even six and then I'll just pick at them one by one over the course of hours and voila! whole entire packet gone.

I like good food too much too, I love entertaining and cooking up something gorgeous but then I feel because it took so much effort I have to eat heaps of it, and then I'll serve a cheese platter and eat a ton of that, washed down by lots of (very good) wine.

I eat when I'm bored and I reward myself with food too. I eat without thinking about it first and I eat too fast and dont even taste it half the time.

I dont think my bad habits are really a case of any underlying disorders, I think I just need to slow down and think about it a bit. I find it hard to maintain changes in habits because the pressures in life that cause me to be like I am dont go away and I suspect if I did have a band I'd still be doing the same bad things only in smaller quantities.