How has your relationship with food changed?

[DeLarla 22]

"Do we ever "recover" from childhood tapes?"

Excellent question. I have recovered, for the most part, but I haven't sucessfully reprogrammed. Does that make any sense? Even though I don't steal food and hide in corners and dark places cramming food in my mouth today, I did it for my entire childhood, so it became habit. It's what my body and mind want, crave, need. So the tapes don't play anymore, but the addicition lingers.

I remember being very young, 4 or 5. Gramma was like a spy, always sneaking around. She lived next door and would sneak us Jello pudding, a cookie or a meal - always peeking out the window. She'd drive a block behind me as I walked to school alone each morning, all sunk low in her car, but she never gave me a ride. It wasn't till I was older that I learned the Momster wouldn't allow Gramma to take me to school, or to be "Gramma" for that matter. Momster made us walk alone to kindergarden. So Gramma would sneak in her car and follow me every day, all the way to school, just to make sure I was safe. She's my savior, my angel. Anything good about me comes from her. Till this day hubby gets mad cuz I step out of the shower soaking wet onto the bath carpet. He wants me to dry off in the shower. But that's the way Gramma bathed me - she'd pick me up wet and set me on the bath matt to dry me off. She's still alive, but she's not doing well. She saved my life.

[whippledaddy 5]

And today it calls me, this enemy. food calls me, in a low voice, promises me pleasures I will never know. It knows my name, and where I live. It sneaks into my dreams and supplants my heart's desire.

Would that, like Ulysses, I had a mast to lash myself to, so as to hear that Siren song, yet be unable to answer. But I can answer. And I can cook. I fight, and sometimes I lose.

Later, in the afterglow of unprotected grazing, I pummel myself mentally in belated remorse. Too little,,,,,too late. I sit in the dark and glower. I hate myself for my weakness, and I hate that amorphous creature within me that thinks the soul is the stomach, that won't take "full" as an answer. I'll never eat enough to feed this hungry heart. I'll never eat enough to calm this torment, put out this fire, feed the demon that is my drive to drug myself with food.

Somedays I eat the bear. Somedays the bear eats me. Today I lost the battle. Tomorrow we go back to the war.

[DeLarla 22]

Whip, what are you trying to say? Are you hungry?

[HarleyNana 10]

Since my *&@# fill didn't go into my band, I'm fighting the same bear.

[DeLarla 22]

Pat, where did your fill go?

[whippledaddy 5]

My tummy's full, but sometimes my heart gets hungry, and, instead of giving my inner self what he needs, I throw food at him.

That's my disease.

[HarleyNana 10]

The fill was done in the doctors office in Newport News, VA. Valium, I hope that relaxes me.

[I'llsucceed 1]

At my psych appointment i confessed out loud for only the 2nd time in my life that I used to sneak down the stairs around the age of 9 or 10 while all were asleep & cram hohos in my mouth as fast as possible. Why? I don't know.. really have never figured it out fully. I was hungry, at least I thought I was. We were a clean your plate family. Never denied dessert. To this day - infact just a 1/2 hour ago I am amazed at how many crackers I ate. I am still hungry & could go finish off the new box if I wanted to. I also admit I will probably finish the box tomorrow or the next day. I can't wait to get banded! But while I wait I will keep reading all your stories & gain inspiration to begin changing the tape running through my head. Thank you all for sharing. Also Whippledaddy you are quite the poet! nicely written.

[DeLarla 22]

Is it selfish to think that "I'm glad I'm not alone?" Sneaking around shoving Ho Hos down your throat sounds like perfectly normal activity to me.

[TrishS 3]

wow what stories, I even cried! Heres mine hope its not to long.

Here is my story:

My dad left my mom when I was born, I always thought it was my fault but I know now it wasnt. My mom was deprived of food as a young child sometimes going into garbage cans looking for food. So no way was she going to let us be deprived of food. I had a unlimted access to food.

I never thought of my self as fat I just thought I was chubby. Everyone else i guess thought I was fat. In 3rd grade, I remember plain as day, I left a book under my desk when I was suppose to put it inside my desk. My teacher "Mrs. Reddals" made me stand in the middle of the class and she yelled at me.. "Pick that book up Miss Piggy!" The whole class laughed at me and I stood there crying. Mom took me out of that school and put me in a Christian school. Being rasied in a Christian home I thought this will be good. Nope I was the biggest one in my class, I was the tallest and the fattest. After a couple of years there, after getting spanked almost everyday because i was bad, my mom put me back in Public School. I stayed friends with a few people from the Christian school. One day some of them were going to go to the Church/School for a gathering of some sorts and called up there to see if they could bring me along... They said no that they didn't have enough food to feed me! Ugh i wasn't going to eat everything!

In 7th grade I stopped growing.. in height that is stayed 5'1" since.. just grew outward a bit. I didn't have much friends, no boys would like me and I would sit alone at lunch. I was starting to stay with my Dad so I would be able to attend a school in the same district. I had a stepsister and a half sister that would pick on me a lot, my dad would get mad because i ate so much so, I became a cutter. Everytime I wanted to eat something I would cut my self, with anything I could find. I was covered in cuts, over food!

In highschool I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and got myself in a lot of trouble.. I was with this guy one night and he wanted sex, I didn't want to have sex well I didn't have a choice. After that I vowed to hate men ALL of them!! I ate and ate I wanted to be the fattest person alive I didn't want NO man to look at me. Well I got up to 260lbs and I dropped out of school my 10th grade year. I was a Fat Drop out! and my family was so mad at me. So I tried to make things better, I started going back to church and started to eat right again.

At 17yrs I started dating the Pastor's grandson of the church I was attending. I thought my life was finally going to be normal. It was too, until we decided to get married. His mom then started hating me saying her son wasn't meant to marry a fat girl. Well that only made us get married faster, and before you knew it we were married.. He had also gained 50lbs being with me. After a year of verbal abuse from his family, never wanting me over because I ate to much. I left him! age 20 and Im already divorced, and still fat.

At 21 I met who is now my current husband, He has been so helpful with me. He met me at 230lbs he was 145lbs, now Im 330lbs and hes 199lbs... I must cook good or something.. its all the Mexican food.. hmmmm. I was first Fat person he has ever been with. He bought me every diet plan out there.. He signed me up for every club out there. He was really trying, but loved me through it all. I was 260lbs 2 years ago.. My dad at 58 Died of The Flesh Eating Bacteria. I was so so so depressed, that's where I gained my next few pounds. Im still to this day devestated by the loss of my Dad. I miss him so much. During all this time I got books on reteaching my self like school and I got my GED and Im back in college going into nursing with honors. I cant get a job right now, every place I go to wont hire me they just look at me funny...

Food has always been like so much of you my Friend, my Enemy, my Disguise, my Comfort. I cant wait for my band. Thanks for Listening

[I'llsucceed 1]

Trish,

I am sending you the biggest "HUG" right now!!!! You are off on a new road & will together with your husband get healthier & healthier! I just know it! I too was in a verbal & mental abusive marriage. When it turned physical I got out quick. I was with him for 5 years total, we lived together for 4 & were married during those years for only 8mnths. Thank goodness not longer. Two years prior to meeting my X my Grandfather passed away, a great man & lived a long life. While we all were morning his death , two mnths later my father died of a sudden stroke. The next two years I put on 40 pds. than came the husband & an additional 20 pds. After the divorce (no kids) I gained another 20pds over the next to years. which leads me to today. We all have such deep seeded pasts. I hope we can each wake up tomorrow morning & say My past begins now and all that happened before is gone(at least the bad memories).

As soon as I can figure out how to post a photograph I hope to show you my before inspiration & my current photos.

[New Hope 37]

Wow, what stories of courage! ((Hugs)) You girls hold your heads up high! You're beautiful women that God created. I hope you get your bands and your self esteem to get out there and show the world just what you can do! Please try to learn from your past and go forward with a brighter future. The very best of luck to both of you!!

[I'llsucceed 1]

Thanks NewHope & way to go on your success so far ! What a great accomplishment. I love those measuring tools!

[New Hope 37]

Thank you! Well, I have to thank Kelly for talking and retalking me through that one! I picked the little turtle because I've been polking along lately.

[whippledaddy 5]

Here we tell our stories. Some of us open up about our relationship with food for the very first time. I don't know about you but I can always tell when something I read in this thread hits a nerve. I lose my breath for a moment, then tear up, then see where it fits in my own life.

I've read these posts, in this most excellent thread, I've chuckled and I've wept, and my heart never fails to fill with empathy. We are preaching to the choir. We tell each others small stories that outline lives of pain and rejection. Yet, among us, no words are needed, for we all understand. Your shoes are very like mine, we all know what we all have endured. No, not the detail, but the emotions, the feelings, are shared by each of us.

We all know what it's like to be judged with one sideways glance of a stranger. We all know what it's like to be shunned, not invited, looked over. We understand prejudice. And our "problem" is cause for the last acceptible prejudice. Fat jokes must still be PC or movies like "The Nutty Professor" or "Shallow Hal" wouldn't have been such big hits.

What needs to happen? Every person who has a fat friend, or family member should read this thread. The ones with hearts will understand. The others? Was there ever any hope for them? Maybe, just maybe, this would lessen the stares, and the unspoken judgements that break all our hearts on a daily basis. Hell, it's gotten so common that sometimes I feel blue and only later realize that I was stinging from some comment, thinly veiled as a jest.

Thanks all for posting. Your stories of pain, shared pain, comfort me. I was not alone, when I felt so alone. I am not alone now. All of you are such brave, good people, and your story is my story..........so there's a chance I'm a good person, too. I find that comforting. I find that sad, and uplifting.

And, best of all, we're fighting back. We're smiling, but slowly, one day, one pound at a time, we will emerge victorious. We will be better for our trials. We will be slow to say hurtful things. We'll see a person, not their body. I'm proud to count myself among such royalty, such dignity, such good people.