Concerned Mom

[Wanda Lee 11]

I didn't tell my mother for a while. Maybe about a month before surgery I finally blurted it out. I am happy to say she was happy for me (she changed!!!), but because the way she was, very opinionated about how I should live and do what she says. I'm 38.

Yes that's what my problem is that she always has something to say. Plus this is me and my husband having the surgery the same day luckily my husband's side of the family is very supportive and both his younger sisters had it done. We have 3 kids and the 2 oldest are 17 and 15 years old and are going to be helping us thank God they know how to cook so my daughter will be taking care of the cooking until I'm able to do it myself

Sent from my SM-J700T using BariatricPal mobile app

[Ance 55]

12 hours ago, mlbdl said:

You are right to be concerned, based on the additional information you provided. However, I think you should support her decision, with some caveats. Strongly encourage her to attend support groups and nutrition lectures, read forums like this one, find a mentor, read blogs, etc. I also strongly recommend that she follow up with a therapist used to working with Bariatric patients, not just one that works with addictions.

I can tell you love your daughter. If you simply had "control" issues I don't think you'd be on this forum seeking information and advice. I can tell you as a 47 year old woman that has fought the pounds unsuccessfully since puberty (but really badly since I was 18-19), she may have realized much earlier than I did that her body has turned against her. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 29 and hypothyroidism at 40. Doctors didn't really know what to do with me for many years and really just blamed my habits. In truth, it didn't matter if I had no Cookies, 1 cookie, 3 or 5 Cookies. I might lose 5 lbs in 3 months and then nothing for a year, and then gain 15# back. It was mental demolition. This surgery was a reset for me. I have no regrets. My dad feels like he got his daughter back, I feel like I got my life back, and I'm pushing 50. My career is looking up (it was already damn good), people treat me a hell of a lot better, and I'm not letting life pass me by.

Have you had a quiet discussion with your daughter and just asked her, and then listened with no judgement, as if she was a friend, what does she see in her future? What her dreams are? And how she wants to get there? She might surprise you. My parents always assumed things about me and often were wrong. No doubt they loved me, but still, they were wrong.

To help ease your concern, maybe ask her to walk you through the research she's done and how she came to the decision. Tell her you don't want to change her mind, you just want to understand so you and her father can support her in every way you can to help her be successful. The surgery is just the start. Losing the weight will be "easy." Keeping it off will be the challenge.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Hi MLBDL, by far your advice has given me something to think about and act on. Overall, I have a good relationship with my daughter. She trust me and communicates openly her inner feelings, thoughts and dreams. Usually, if you ask her a direct question she gives you a direct honest answer. I love that about her even if the answer may surprise me. I do plan on accompany her as I have with all her pre-appointments, to the post group meetings and will help search for a therapist who works with Bariatric patients. I know she will need guidance and help in dealing with the emotional challenges ahead. We're just 10 days away from her surgery date. I will be as prepared emotionally as possible keeping a positive out look. My hopes will be that her choice was the right one and that she'll be successful in her well being, school, relationship and future careers. Thank you for all your advice.

[Ance 55]

23 hours ago, blizair09 said:

When I first started reading this thread, I was completely in the pro-surgery camp for your daughter. I decided not to comment right away, and now I am coming back and reading all the posts, and I'm a bit on the fence. First, just because she has been "cleared" for surgery doesn't mean she is psychologically ready for it. I have found that the WLS world is often more of a business than it is a true health endeavor sometimes. The reason I say that is twofold: First, you said that she got the idea for the sleeve from a person over the holidays after she abandoned a healthy eating and exercise plan. Second, you said that she gained over 50 pounds to qualify for the surgery. Now, I have heard some people on these boards having to gain a small amount of weight because their BMI was on the cusp of qualification, but she gained 25% of her body weight. That's a lot.

Have you (or the doctor or anyone) had a serious conversation with her about what her life post-op will be like and the level of commitment regarding eating, drinking, and exercise that she will have to maintain for the rest of her life to be successful? Every day on these boards, I hear people talk about getting back to a "normal way of eating." (A lot of people like to think that post-sleeve they can eat "whatever they want" but in smaller amounts. I think that is an incredibly flawed viewpoint.) So many people look at the surgery as some magic pill that will miraculously make them drop all of their excess weight in a matter of months, and then they can eat "whatever they want" but in smaller amounts and live happily ever after. That is a fairy tale. The key is changing your relationship with food, eating within defined parameters each and every day, and exercising regularly. (No different from folks who don't have WLS, but the sleeve provides assistance that many find invaluable.)

So, my question for you is -- is she ready for this commitment and new way of life? The answer to that question should guide how to counsel your daughter.

Good luck.

Hi Blizair09, it's been my general concern that she really doesn't understand the commitment. She has been spoken to by her doctor, nurses and heard it at the pre-surgery mandatory meetings. How the relationship with food will change. But, she continues to state she knows and is ready. My conflict and doubts are that she has gone down this road of trying something and when frustration kicks in, she gives up. That's been both her dad and my fears and concerns all along with her decision to pursue this operation. Even though she's 10 days away I'm looking to try to have her see another therapist for evaluation before the day comes. Thank you for your comments and advise.

[vamping 183]

Her body, her choices, whether you like them or not. She's well on her way into adulthood. Give her a chance to prove you wrong. If it ends up being a bad decision, it's HER bad decision that SHE has to live with, not yours, in spite of what you think or believe.

Edited June 12, 2017 by vamping

[Newme17 3,444]

On 6/11/2017 at 5:18 PM, Wanda Lee said:

Yes that's what my problem is that she always has something to say. Plus this is me and my husband having the surgery the same day luckily my husband's side of the family is very supportive and both his younger sisters had it done. We have 3 kids and the 2 oldest are 17 and 15 years old and are going to be helping us thank God they know how to cook so my daughter will be taking care of the cooking until I'm able to do it myself

Sent from my SM-J700T using BariatricPal mobile app

As long as you've got a support system!! It's great your husband's side is very supportive. I love that for you. 😊

[Ance 55]

On 6/10/2017 at 9:54 AM, OutsideMatchInside said:

I had controlling parents. I'm 40 and I haven't talked to either of them in years. The years I haven't talked to them have been the best years of my life.

Just that you would consider removing her from your insurance tells me every thing I need to know about you.

I feel sorry your daughter. I imagine you have made her feel terrible about her weight her entire life too.

Why is everyone that posts in the friends and family section is a terrible human being. Lol every fricking time.

OutsideMatchinside, your judging without all the facts. Some of the things I've shared are input and ideas from other parenting groups dealing with teens and young adults seeking this weight loss option. Could it become the next trend? There are a lot of concerned parents worried and scared. Yes, I can learn more about this (which I have; by reading and attending all sessions & medical appointments) and Yes, it's about supporting our daughter's decision. However, the fear and concern with surgery is real especially when the only medical procedure experienced was 4stitches on her knee from a fall. I love my daughter immensely and have always been her cheerleader. Never making her feel bad about her, her accomplishments nor her beautiful looks. It's sad that you haven't spoken to your parents in years. You only get a set once in life. I recognize that some parents are better with their children than others. How you deal with them and your successes is something you need to figure out. Its easy to shut down all connections. But, to demonstrate the good in you and what've become to your parents is a challenge but all worth pursuing. Good luck!!

[Introversion 1,876]

41 minutes ago, Ance said:

However, the fear and concern with surgery is real especially when the only medical procedure experienced was 4stitches on her knee from a fall.

Bariatric surgery is associated with a number of risks...nonetheless, remaining obese is the bigger threat to your daughter's health and social life.

The sleeve gastrectomy results in less than one percent of major complications. It's a 30 to 45 minute surgery. Since your daughter is young, she's less likely to experience major complications.

Physically, obesity predisposes your daughter to diabetes, heart problems, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, arthritis, sleep apnea, certain cancers, infertility, and other illnesses.

Socially, being obese predisposes your daughter to lazy judgments from society, reduced options in the dating marketplace (the majority of young men prefer normal-weight women), and missed career opportunities (many hiring managers prefer to hire normal weight applicants).

The sleeve was also the first surgical procedure I'd ever undergone in my life. Due to having weight loss surgery in my 30s, I will have avoided the need for other surgeries as and procedures I age (e.g. knee replacements, open heart surgery, diabetic amputations, dialysis).

[DedicatedLady 139]

I hate to jump on the bandwagon but I tend to agree with a lot of the communities replies, in that your words are contradictory to themselves. From the perspective of someone who lost 100lbs when I was 20yrs old, and then over 4 years gained back 130lbs, I have an idea of what it's like. Your daughter is right in that surgery is a tool, but it won't fix everything magically. You do need exercise and to relearn how to properly eat. Reading the 'maybe she does fail, but what if she flies!' comment is so true.

If you are so willing to be helpful with a trainer and a nutritionist and even therapy-before the option of surgery, then why not after? You have the ability to not only convince your husband that it is a good idea(women are very persuasive) but you can change her mind about how "supportive" you've been. As someone who was overweight throughout high school, there were times I didn't realize how traumatic some of the experiences would be. A simple "lap around the field" for gym class was daily public embarrassment, my belly shook, I almost came last because I had to walk by the end , and while nobody probably noticed or cared as much as me, I never forgot. I was doing sprints at the class gym I joined last month, and everyone was lapping me. I didn't have time to finish my set when we went back inside, and started doing push-ups, there were as many tear drops falling from my face as there were sweat drips.

What I'm trying to say is that you have the ability to change everything, right now, and genuinely be on her side! Take all the trainers, the nutritionists, and the councillors, and sit with her and let her know you're going to do all of that after her surgery to help her succeed, because you're her mother and you should want her to be successful more than anybody in the world.
My mom was the first person I told, she supported me 100%, and genuinely.

She will never forget if you choose not to support her.

[Ance 55]

1 hour ago, DedicatedLady said:

I hate to jump on the bandwagon but I tend to agree with a lot of the communities replies, in that your words are contradictory to themselves. From the perspective of someone who lost 100lbs when I was 20yrs old, and then over 4 years gained back 130lbs, I have an idea of what it's like. Your daughter is right in that surgery is a tool, but it won't fix everything magically. You do need exercise and to relearn how to properly eat. Reading the 'maybe she does fail, but what if she flies!' comment is so true.

If you are so willing to be helpful with a trainer and a nutritionist and even therapy-before the option of surgery, then why not after? You have the ability to not only convince your husband that it is a good idea(women are very persuasive) but you can change her mind about how "supportive" you've been. As someone who was overweight throughout high school, there were times I didn't realize how traumatic some of the experiences would be. A simple "lap around the field" for gym class was daily public embarrassment, my belly shook, I almost came last because I had to walk by the end , and while nobody probably noticed or cared as much as me, I never forgot. I was doing sprints at the class gym I joined last month, and everyone was lapping me. I didn't have time to finish my set when we went back inside, and started doing push-ups, there were as many tear drops falling from my face as there were sweat drips.

What I'm trying to say is that you have the ability to change everything, right now, and genuinely be on her side! Take all the trainers, the nutritionists, and the councillors, and sit with her and let her know you're going to do all of that after her surgery to help her succeed, because you're her mother and you should want her to be successful more than anybody in the world.
My mom was the first person I told, she supported me 100%, and genuinely.

She will never forget if you choose not to support her.

Dear Dedicatedlady, you not only resemble my daughter but you touched on something that I had forgot. In high school, she did have several similar experiences and I remember her always doing her best. Unfortunately, she would quit too often the teams or activities. I recognize now that she had many embarrassing moments and it caused her emotional turmoil. My heart aches and tears are rolling down my face as I think about it. I can't go back but will move forward. I've been with her through it all before surgery and will continue to be there after surgery. We'll encourage her to participate in group sessions and the therapy needed. In 8 more days, she'll be under and her mama will be there waiting by her side. Her father is still struggling with this decision but knowing his heart he'll show up to make sure his little girl is doing ok. Thank you.

[Ance 55]

2 hours ago, Introversion said:

Bariatric surgery is associated with a number of risks...nonetheless, remaining obese is the bigger threat to your daughter's health and social life.

The sleeve gastrectomy results in less than one percent of major complications. It's a 30 to 45 minute surgery. Since your daughter is young, she's less likely to experience major complications.

Physically, obesity predisposes your daughter to diabetes, heart problems, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, arthritis, sleep apnea, certain cancers, infertility, and other illnesses.

Socially, being obese predisposes your daughter to lazy judgments from society, reduced options in the dating marketplace (the majority of young men prefer normal-weight women), and missed career opportunities (many hiring managers prefer to hire normal weight applicants).

The sleeve was also the first surgical procedure I'd ever undergone in my life. Due to having weight loss surgery in my 30s, I will have avoided the need for other surgeries as and procedures I age (e.g. knee replacements, open heart surgery, diabetic amputations, dialysis).

Congratulations on reaching your goal. I do realize the preventive measures we all should take toward well being. You described the amount of time it takes without complications (about 45 minutes), I want to be hopeful cause the doctor told us something differently. He said 3-4 hours. He's known to be an experienced doctor and an expert in this field. Truthfully, what scares me the most is the amount of time under anesthesia and any complications that may occur.

Social issues: I have witnessed her low confidence, self esteem and being prejudged before. I've always come to her rescue and defended her but I realize that hasn't been enough. She's been in a relationship for over 1year. He's a great guy and very supportive. He even helped by joining a gym with her. He knew her when she was lighter in weight (195-205lbs) and he's still sticking around cause he loves who she is inside. That means the world to me as her mom and woman. He said he'll be there at the hospital when she gets out of recovery. I'm going to do what I can to help her succeed. She'll have to do her part to make it happen. Thank you for your comments.

[Newme17 3,444]

1 hour ago, Ance said:

In 8 more days, she'll be under and her mama will be there waiting by her side. Her father is still struggling with this decision but knowing his heart he'll show up to make sure his little girl is doing ok. Thank you.

This made me tear up. Thank you for supporting her through your concerns.

Although I commented early on in the thread about my parents being controlling when I was younger, I failed to add, that they did what they thought was right for me, as I believe you and your husband have done as well, out of concern. I may speak about the past but I don't dwell in it and have chosen to forgive my parents for my sake (they probably still think they're right! 😂 and we do have an awesome relationship). So please forgive me for not being a bit more mindful of your concerns.

And I believe without a doubt, your daughter will be ok. See if she'll join Bariatric Pal for extra support. It'll be nice to have her on board. 😊

[Ance 55]

On 6/11/2017 at 3:16 AM, PAstudent said:

Hi, Ance. I'm not here to make any judgments about your parenting or about your daughter. I'm just here to share with you that I was 20 years old when I got the sleeve and I think it's the best possible thing I could've done for myself. My highest weight was 256 (I'm 5'4 maybe 5'5) and people would look at me when I told them and say "Oh, you don't need that" or "Aren't you a little young/small/etc for that?". They're still surprised when they learn that I've had the surgery.

We do live in a society where over half of the people we see on a daily basis are either overweight or obese. It severely skews our perception of "healthy". Ultimately, is it really healthier to hate yourself every single day and kill yourself trying to lose weight the "natural" way, or is it healthier to undergo a procedure with a very small complication rate and lose weight under the supervision of highly trained professionals?

These questions helped me decide if surgery was right for me:
Am I able to do all the things a 20 year old should be able to do? (No. I didn't have the confidence, stamina, or energy. I was also healing slower than average from injuries.)
Am I happy with my weight? (No)
How many years have I tried to lose weight? (I started dieting when I was 10 years old)
How many diets have I tried? (Too many to remember)
Have I seen professionals? (Yes, many) Have they helped my binging or relationship with food? (No)
Have I stuck to a diet and exercise plan for at least a couple months? (Yes) Was it sustainable and could I see myself living the rest of my life like that? (No)
Am I at increased risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and metabolic syndrome? (Yes)
Do I want to wait until I get one of these conditions to use one of the most effective and long term tools for weight loss? (No)
Despite my dieting, was my overall trend in weight continuing to rise? (YES)
Did I want to do something drastic that would help me live a healthier life? (Yes)
Did I want it to be permanent? (Yes)
Was I ready to stop thinking about food 24/7? (Yes)
Did I want to be part of the statistic that this generation may be the first to not outlive its parents? (No.)

Surgery shouldn't be anyone's first option. It's a serious life commitment. But, for some people, it is the right choice.

Now, I'm only one month out (and 26 pounds down), but my relationship with food now after surgery is 10 times better than it was prior to surgery. I eat for sustenance and to meet protein/calorie goals, not to feel good. This isn't something that 2 nutritionists, a dietician, and 3 therapists were able to do. I highly recommend therapy, but losing weight on your own is incredibly difficult, nearly impossible, when all you do is obsess over food. I think the best thing about this surgery for me is that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and I can totally see myself keeping up with my new lifestyle.

Wow, PA student. I know now that I was waiting for more 20yr olds to share their story. You are the first who's written. I'm actually going by the doctor's reaction about how young she is and that he's only operated on 4 (20yr olds). It freaked me out to the point I kept telling her to wait till she matures because it seems that it was the 30+ age group that take this road. I appreciate your line of questions and thoughts. I can agree that she has asked herself the same. My daughter states she's ready for this commitment and I believe she'll do it. I also know her too well and will insist she be part of a discussion group and go for therapy in order to succeed. Her relation with food has to change. She made a comment the other day that after she heals she can still eat sandwiches and other stuff just in small portions. I encouraged her to seek a chat support group (like this one) that can help encourage her and even share recipes and ideas on what to eat to be successful. Thanks for your input and much success to you.

[Ance 55]

2 minutes ago, Newme17 said:

This made me tear up. Thank you for supporting her through your concerns.

Although I commented early on in the thread about my parents being controlling when I was younger, I failed to add, that they did what they thought was right for me, as I believe you and your husband have done as well, out of concern. I may speak about the past but I don't dwell in it and have chosen to forgive my parents for my sake (they probably still think they're right! 😂 and we do have an awesome relationship). So please forgive me for not being a bit more mindful of your concerns.

And I believe without a doubt, your daughter will be ok. See if she'll join Bariatric Pal for extra support. It'll be nice to have her on board. 😊

Thank you Newme17. I will have her join this group. And, I'm glad to learn all is good with your parents. Everyone will hear about our journey. It's been an emotional trip. If I can be of any help to other parents I want to be there for them too. Still nervous, 8 days and counting. Thanks again.

[Newme17 3,444]

Just now, Ance said:

Thank you Newme17. I will have her join this group. And, I'm glad to learn all is good with your parents. Everyone will hear about our journey. It's been an emotional trip. If I can be of any help to other parents I want to be there for them too. Still nervous, 8 days and counting. Thanks again.

I'll count with you. 😊, but I'll be the excited one. We'll balance out the emotions. Deal?

If she doesn't join here before the surgery, would you mind keeping us updated with how she does? We'll be her cheerleaders!

[Ance 55]

1 minute ago, Newme17 said:

I'll count with you. 😊, but I'll be the excited one. We'll balance out the emotions. Deal?

If she doesn't join here before the surgery, would you mind keeping us updated with how she does? We'll be her cheerleaders!

LOL!! It's a deal. I certainly will keep everyone up to date. You all are part of this journey with me and her. We all need cheers and support. I know she'll love it.