Need Advice

[Spouse Support 1]

So, I hope this is ok to bring here, as I don't know where to go for the advice I'm seeking. This is a tough situation for me and I hope you guys don't mind me being on here since I've never had any bariatric surgery but since most outside the bariatric community probably don't know much about it, I wanted the advice to come from people who understand.

My wife had a VGS done just over 2 years ago. She was doing so great with exercise and diet and lost over 100lbs. She was so happy and I was so happy for her. She hit a stahl before goal weight and that's where it ended. She gave up the gym but stayed at the diet and maintained where she was for a long time. Now though in the last couple months she has spiraled bad. She's eating only unhealthy food and at portions I can't even eat. I've started eating more healthy in hopes to lead by example with no results. When I say unhealthy I'm talking whole pizza, cake pie, fried chicken. And that's the last week.

So here is my issue, she genuinely seems very confused as to why she's gaining weight so rapidly and is becoming very depressed by it. She's now planning a revision surgery to a DS instead of her current VGS thinking the sleeve isn't working for her. She is super sensitive and self conscious about her weight. I don't care if she gains it other than her happiness. I'm being extremely supportive and agreeable to the new surgery and just agreeing the sleeve is a problem and the DS will fix everything but inside I have huge doubts because of the recent eating habits. Should I bring this up and if so, how?

Thank you all for any advice and help you can give me.

[redfire_angel75 62]

It sounds like she really needs to talk to a psychiatrist and nutritionist about her feelings and get back on track. I'm still pre-op, but from everything I've read on here stalls are pretty common. Good luck!

[bostongirl55 0]

Yes you should tell her the truth be ready she will probably be mad at you but its out of love and concern.She would really be miserable if she packed on a ton of weight and had to start all over again. She will appreciate your honesty in the end.

[njgal 535]

Talk to her, see if she'd be open to outside help and be honest!

[blizair09 3,250]

Even though it will be a tough conversation, and she probably won't want to hear what you have to say, you need to talk to her about getting professional help from a psychologist and a nutritionist. All of the revisions in the world aren't going to matter one bit if she doesn't change her relationship with food. The surgery allows for weight loss during the "honeymoon phase" pretty much regardless of one's eating habits. That changes soon. The majority of this journey is about the mental game. If she's eating all of that crap on a regular basis, she's losing that battle.

Good luck. I know this isn't easy, but I'd definitely have that conversation before she puts her body (and your checkbook) through more trauma.

[darnlochnessmonster 40]

I don't know how to approach your wife, but I do think you need to stop just agreeing that the surgery is no longer working. Throughout our relationship, my boyfriend was incredibly supportive of everything I did and always helped me to make excuses for myself for why I could have that cake or pizza, or how it wasn't my fault II gained weight because XYZ. He's a wonderful man who loves me deeply and wants nothing for me but my happiness - but helping me with the mental Olympics it takes to slowly kill myself with food? It's not a good thing. When I started the process I had to really face my issues with food and figure out what makes me tick and why. Why did I over eat? Why did I eat when I wasn't hungry? Why did I refuse to leave a meal unfinished? Why did I only eat junk food and not fruits and vegetables? I had a lot of emotional baggage to unpack stemming from a childhood where it wasn't guaranteed I was going to get food because we couldn't afford it (and subsequently the most affordable and readily available food being junk foods - not fresh fruit, veggies, eggs, or milk).

Everyone's relationship with food is different, and if she didn't work out her stuff for good - it WILL keep coming back. Stop enabling. Help her to use the tools we were taught in our programs. That food diary brings a whole lot of sin to light, my friend.

Best of luck to both of you.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

11 hours ago, Spouse Support said:

So, I hope this is ok to bring here, as I don't know where to go for the advice I'm seeking. This is a tough situation for me and I hope you guys don't mind me being on here since I've never had any bariatric surgery but since most outside the bariatric community probably don't know much about it, I wanted the advice to come from people who understand.

My wife had a VGS done just over 2 years ago. She was doing so great with exercise and diet and lost over 100lbs. She was so happy and I was so happy for her. She hit a stahl before goal weight and that's where it ended. She gave up the gym but stayed at the diet and maintained where she was for a long time. Now though in the last couple months she has spiraled bad. She's eating only unhealthy food and at portions I can't even eat. I've started eating more healthy in hopes to lead by example with no results. When I say unhealthy I'm talking whole pizza, cake pie, fried chicken. And that's the last week.

So here is my issue, she genuinely seems very confused as to why she's gaining weight so rapidly and is becoming very depressed by it. She's now planning a revision surgery to a DS instead of her current VGS thinking the sleeve isn't working for her. She is super sensitive and self conscious about her weight. I don't care if she gains it other than her happiness. I'm being extremely supportive and agreeable to the new surgery and just agreeing the sleeve is a problem and the DS will fix everything but inside I have huge doubts because of the recent eating habits. Should I bring this up and if so, how?

Thank you all for any advice and help you can give me.

It really depends on their personality. I kinda harassed my wife to start eating better and kept going at her with how many carbs and crap are in the Asian food she was having. Now she's happily doing it after the results I've achieved (she has PCOS), and thus far in a week she's gotten from 206 to 194. Her confidence has skyrocketed and she's a lot more active and positive.

I have no idea what would work for your SO but I'd try different approaches.

[hermione53 157]

Wow, this is tough. My surgeon's office allows spouses/ family members to attend some "open" support groups. Does your wife's surgeon have such groups? If so, I'd suggest attending one as a member of her support system. If not, perhaps you could offer to go with her to see the surgeon's psychologist or nutritionist? Maybe that would help you better broach the subject? I think the most importantly thing, though, is to let her know you love her regardless.

[hermione53 157]

I also meant to add that I had lap band surgery 17 years ago and really gave up 10 years in. It's easy to lose the North Star, so to speak, but it's never a lost cause.