Depression

[AntoinetteNY 16]

Hi all,

I had my surgery on 5/8/17. Since then, I have been hiding it well from my husband and friends and family, but I have been crying A LOT. Most of my family has not been supportive at all, didn't even call me to check on me before or after the surgery. I feel like a lot of my family members and I are so distant. I try ALL THE TIME to get together with them, but it always seems like they are making up excuses. I feel so bad for my daughter because she is so social and all she wants is to see her cousins and other children in the family. The family members I am specifically speaking about is my brother and my cousins. I try so hard to be a part of their lives but my brother only cares about himself (selfish and immature) and my cousins are very busy with their own lives. I didn't even tell them what type of surgery I got because of how judgmental they all are. And I know, "Why would I want people in my life that are going to judge me?" I guess it is because I love family and time together and I try to see the best in people. I would love to tell them, if I knew I would not get downed or be talked about behind my back, which they totally would. My friends have been supportive but on their own time. When I ask for them for their time, they are always busy or cleaning their house. They call me almost everyday, but sometimes I need that face to face support and a shoulder to cry on. My husband is amazing but he has that "erase them from your life attitude". He will listen and be supportive, but it always ends with "stop talking to them". Like I said I try to give everybody another chance, and a third, fourth and fifth. Even with my husband and my friends, after this surgery, I feel so lonely. I know my family is ignorant and all I do when I think about it is cry. I just want that "don't care" attitude. My brother is a social media bully. He loves to indirectly post nasty stuff about me or anyone he is having a problem with at that moment on Facebook. My husband said to delete him but that doesn't take away what he is saying about me. When my brother and cousin and me are around each other, I am the odd one out. And the fact that I am SO MUCH MORE emotional now, I cry at the thought of this stuff. I know I am NOT alone, but why do I feel that way.

[JPM514 20]

I think a huge influence on your depression is that you are alone in the sense that you seem to say you have no one to talk to. It also sounds like you have some other challenges within the family going on and therefor while you are going through this very challenging life changing journey (which effects your mind, heart, body, and spirit) it makes it more difficult to cope especially when your old coping mechanism of food is no longer available!

But there is hope!!! I know you can get through this tough time! I think one tip is connecting to people on here and exchanging numbers having someone to chat with over text or calls! I am a texter not a caller- if you want to follow me and message me we can do that. my surgery was may 11th.

But doesn't have to be me. I have connected with others who are in my area and also had this sleeve. it helps a lot to chat with them!

Do you have other social areas you could connect with others? church groups or hobbies or community? do you have any bariatric support centers around you? those are other places you can find some support that you need.

I pray and hope you the best on your journey! I hope your heart can heal and so that your body can too!

-Joe M.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Go to a bariatric group for support, join a church or social group. Offer to help your friends clean house - swap cleaning dates, I used to do that when I was a military wife. Find a new hobby that has meetings - book group, painting, knitting, sewing, biking, anything. Volunteer somewhere. I know that family thing is hard, I haven't seen my niece Tina since her son was a baby 14 years ago and all of them only live 45 minutes away and not for lack of inviting them either. They obviously don't want me in their lives and my husband's nephew is the same and we are nice people and fun too. So don't think it is you.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Well I agree with your husband, cut them out your life. If people aren't a positive influence and bring something positive to your life you don't need them. Just because they are family doesn't matter. It isn't like you picked your brother.

Most of us go through a lot of emotions post op because burning fat releases hormones. Everything is magnified. What you are feeling is normal and it will get better.

But seriously, get rid of these people, they aren't helping you.

[Pam_2-06-2017 375]

Right now is a time to focus on the closest circle of people in your life. That would be you, your husband and your daughter. Lots of changes are happening and will continue to happen over the next year. Your physical and emotional health are going to get exponentially better. Even over the next few months. There may be a time when you will be able to tolerate them but now is not the time.

I have learned that as the weight comes off more people want to be around you. Seems sad but quite frankly we become more approachable and interesting when food is no longer our priority and our insecurity is not written all over our hunched unhealthy bodies.

Everybody wants to know what I eat since I've lost so much weight. I am intentionally vague because I want to focus on relationships not my eating habits.

Give it time, enjoy your family and the moments you get with your friends. I lost some friends because I no longer partake in binge lunches but I kept my true friends and I'm thankful for all two of them:-).

I already noticed that I'm approached more often for conversation and enjoy every new exchange. Your very social daughter need not miss out on opportunities to socialize but it will take some effort on your part. I'm a homeschool mom so getting my son out and socializing takes more effort than a kiddo that attends school with hundreds of kids. The benefits of putting in the effort is that I socialize more too.

Again, tighten your circle of concern to your husband and daughter and make your social choices for the benefit of all of you.

The depression I felt was because I was navigating new territory. Once again changed my mind to the new adventure for me and my family, with my new, healthier me, I got excited about the potential.

Good luck! Thinking of you today!

[erinhazey 8]

I had absolutely fabulous support from all of my friends and family, and I was still INCREDIBLY depressed for the first 10+ days post-op. I have heard this is fairly common, and will definitely get better.

I am so sorry that you have toxic people in your life. You don't need them! Getting on these forums is a great place to start, I think most of us are pretty supportive of each other.

Hang in there, and know that you are NOT alone! So many of us have felt the isolation, fear, regret, and sadness. It all levels out in just a few short months. You can do this!!

[ouisch 13]

first, i want to say i'm sorry you aren't getting the familial support that you want/need/deserve.

my surgery is this coming Thursday and i suffer from Bipolar Disorder. i have two children that live in CA (my oldest is NOT one bit supportive in all aspects of my life), as well as my mother. i live in Chicago with my bf (though we've been arguing a lot lately). bf tries to be supportive but he doesn't truly understand this weight loss process or my depression - so it's doubly hard! (for example, i made him split pea Soup last night and he couldn't stop saying how good it was. compliment to the chef, right? sure. but he didn't realize how hard this pre-op diet has been on me. i know he's not doing it intentionally, but still.)

ok. anyway, i have tried preparing ahead of time by attending the monthly support group that my surgeon & dietitian hold. i started going to NAMI groups (they are geared towards mental health support but you don't have to have a diagnosis to attend, sometimes just talking is very helpful). i joined a couple Instagram groups so i can get support and tips from people who have gone through it/about to go through it. you may want to try Meetups.

i very much understand your desire to want family. i am exactly the same. but i have had to learn to put up boundaries so that i don't become emotionally exhausted.

i really hope you can find a better support system! hugs

[SLIMPICKENS55 41]

Sometimes I have problems with people communicating with me also. But I think they don't know what to say to me. I went to a party two weeks ago and I have lost 55 lbs since everyone has seen me last. Not one person made a comment on me losing weight. It wasn't just the surgery that made me lose weight but it's me also keeping two healthy foods and less food. Everybody thinks it's just the surgery. The surgery gave me the totals it's up to me to use them. It's really strange I feel like someone should talk to me about my surgery and no one does. And sometimes I take it is if they don't care. I think they just don't know how to act around me. Sometimes I feel like a freak but I know I'm not. I just have to go on in life and be happy with who I am and what I am and put all those negative people behind me. Praying for you to have a better outlook and thank positive about yourself

[sevans 9]

You and those that count know. You know! Thats important!

[About time for me 33]

I was super depressed for about six and a half weeks. Then I received the clearance to exercise. I think that's when I realized it was me in control, not what the surgeon did, sure he facilitated it, but I'm now in charge. I had my surgery March 15th, I can now finally say I'm glad I did it.

[Linsmallwood 0]

Hang in there, You are making big changes. Try not to give energy to those who bring you down . I started a swimming routine that has really helped with toning and depression and weight loss. You can do it!

[kathy51 17]

I am preparing for surgery in a couple months, but I have a really supportive mother, brother and 2 sons. My dad and my husband just keep telling me, "wouldn't it just be easier to just go on a diet". I have been overweight nearly 30 years and it feels condescending and insulting. It is extremely frustrating and I am worried about how I will feel about my husband and his lack of support after I have the surgery. I'm sorry for anyone who feels alone. I think the others who have responded to your post were right in saying look for positive people or support groups and stay away from anyone negative. From what I have read it is typical to feel that way at this stage and I hope it passes for you soon.