Dates that don't revolve around food

[mlbdl 86]

On 5/17/2017 at 10:40 PM, jlindenman said:

I'm not talking about going out and meeting someone. I'm talking about when someone sends you a message and the only thing you have to do is reply thank you but I'm not intetested. That's all. It's not hard. It has nothing to do with not knowing how hard it is for women on dating sites. I would think that if it were a guy that was going to do so me to you, he would only get more angry if you ignore him. That is not a normal reaction from most men. They just want to be acknowledged for taking the time to reach out to a woman. Now if his message is inappropriate in any way, by all me and you should ignore him and block him. You are not aware of what men have to go through on here with all these women with six different profile, all with the same picture but a different name and location. They get to know you and then they try to get money from you. I get messages from these scammers at least 10 times a day. That really sycks. They really break your heart.

I agree with OutsideMatchInside - I've had too many similar experiences where I've tried the "thanks but no thanks" responses and just get abused, so I just stopped responding when I'm not interested. I used to feel bad about not responding, but too many of them would come back if I wouldn't respond within even a day or two - before I even had a chance to respond at all, and start up with the garbage. Who needs it? Dating can be dangerous. I won't even leave a drink on a bar with someone I barely know to go to the bathroom. I either finish it before I leave or take it with me to the bathroom (gross, but safer than a roofie).

Regarding the OP's topic, I've been pretty up front about the surgery. I find the men to be fairly interested in a respectful way.

Digressing...I did figure out that I started dating too early and pulled back for a while (I'm only 11 months out now, tried dating months 3-6). My top three stories are (1) a man who I think has always lived with his parents and was pushing 50, told me I was his last chance; (2) another man who I had a wonderful conversation with confessed that he was actually communicating with me on a contraband cell phone...from prison. He said he's since turned his life around and would get out in about 5 years. Yeah...I looked him up. He was in for murder, and while he was in, 7 years ago he committed another murder. NO THANK YOU. (3) Another man, who was very nice, was going the complete opposite direction with his health that I am, and unfortunately had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. I found that out when I told him I felt like he was pressuring me by texting me in the middle of the day (and he knew I wasn't having a good day) asking if I would kiss him the next time we went out. He got very upset and I never heard from him again. I went out with #1 and #3 once each. I also had a couple of dates with other nice men but it just didn't work out. I'm now dating a man who I met through the same website, who I consider a "leftover." I had shut the profile down but he stayed in touch (he had my email) and was very assertive in wanting to meet. I finally agreed, and we're now having a good time. He's not going to be my long-term man - in fact, he's told me that he's not going to fall in love with me and I'm not going to fall in love with him. Then he kept bringing it up almost in the same breath as some heavy duty flirting. I finally told him that by him saying that so frequently, I felt like he was telling me that I wasn't good enough for him, and I KNEW that wasn't true. I told him that I looked at him as possibly a long term friend, and just a guy that was getting me back in the saddle. We were on the phone, and I actually took the phone away from my ear and looked at it like, "Holy crap, did I just say that out loud into the phone??!" I was kind of proud of myself. I feel like as a fat woman I was treated so disrespectfully for so long, and I won't do it as a physically thin woman now. I think he was taken aback, but he told me last night that he really respected me for speaking up, and he was sorry for not picking up on how that would make me feel. It's kind of amazing how not burying my emotions anymore is working out for me.

I realize after reading this back that I've REALLY digressed quite a bit from the OP's topic, and I apologize. Dating is so...interesting, right?

Regarding food, every date we've gone on has involved food in some way. Last Sunday we've added going to the beach and some art galleries, and this Sunday he wants to cook me an omelette (??) and then do the art gallery thing again.

russdroppings posted a lot of great ideas, and I've taken note. I especially like the zoo, museum, and karaoke ideas. I also want to add horseback riding in there somewhere. I think the last time I got on a horse I was a toddler at the pony rides!

PS - there's also the guy that asked me for $2K to be sent to South Africa because equipment at a geology job he was working on busted and he didn't have the access to his accounts in the US...

Edited May 19, 2017 by mlbdl

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Completely off topic but I keep finding guys that are really proud of their omelette skills. Like they can t wait to make you an omelette. Is that supposed to be the male end all be all of Breakfast? 😂😂😂 they are so excited it's adorable.

[sgc 538]

To me getting a response isn't exactly necessary. On Match, I can tell when they read my message. If they don't respond within 24 hours of reading the message, I just write them off. No need for a thanks but no thanks. My biggest issue is that none of them like me.

[JenSev 57]

To me getting a response isn't exactly necessary. On Match, I can tell when they read my message. If they don't respond within 24 hours of reading the message, I just write them off. No need for a thanks but no thanks. My biggest issue is that none of them like me.

Completely off topic but I keep finding guys that are really proud of their omelette skills. Like they can t wait to make you an omelette. Is that supposed to be the male end all be all of breakfast? [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] they are so excited it's adorable.

Maybe it is time to talk with a professional that specializes in relationships. They could take a look at your communications, past relationships, expectations, etc. And make some suggestions of things you could do differently. It can be hard to look within for answers but may get you closer to connecting with someone in a meaningful way.

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[JenSev 57]

Quoted the wrong post but that was meant for sgc

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[jlindenman 28]

Sounds like a bunch of crazy men in your life. You need to date me. Lol

no more drama.

[sgc 538]

2 hours ago, JenSev said:

Maybe it is time to talk with a professional that specializes in relationships. They could take a look at your communications, past relationships, expectations, etc. And make some suggestions of things you could do differently. It can be hard to look within for answers but may get you closer to connecting with someone in a meaningful way.

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I've talked to professionals before. It never gets me anywhere. I've been researching what to write in emails and that doesn't work either. I started an email today with a good match but then quit because I figured it would be pointless.

[NixNichi 79]

I know some people have social anxiety(like myself lol) where it's hard to respond right away. Sometimes I'll read something from an interested party and just like not know what to say. So I'll walk away for a bit or leave it till the next day. I do think it's better to be upfront when your not interested but at the same time, yeah I've totally been on the receiving end of some rude comments when the men get turned down. Or think their doing YOU a favor by paying attention. [emoji47]; I mean come on I'm fat not desperate. So I can totally see the whole ghosting thing.

SW: 328
CW: 258
GW: 150
Surgery date: January 12, 2017

[sgc 538]

12 hours ago, NixNichi said:

I know some people have social anxiety(like myself lol) where it's hard to respond right away. Sometimes I'll read something from an interested party and just like not know what to say. So I'll walk away for a bit or leave it till the next day. I do think it's better to be upfront when your not interested but at the same time, yeah I've totally been on the receiving end of some rude comments when the men get turned down. Or think their doing YOU a favor by paying attention. ; I mean come on I'm fat not desperate. So I can totally see the whole ghosting thing.

SW: 328
CW: 258
GW: 150
Surgery date: January 12, 2017

I have social anxiety but I only have an issue in person. Online it's a much easier endeavor. I big part of it was when I showed interest in a girl in high school. She wasn't interested in me but made it a point to mock and point out how ridiculous it was for someone like me to be interested in her. Since then I have always tried to hide my interest when around women I'm attracted to. It's easier to express it online. I just get tired of women claiming they can always meet jerks but then constantly ignoring me.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

2 hours ago, sgc said:

I have social anxiety but I only have an issue in person. Online it's a much easier endeavor. I big part of it was when I showed interest in a girl in high school. She wasn't interested in me but made it a point to mock and point out how ridiculous it was for someone like me to be interested in her. Since then I have always tried to hide my interest when around women I'm attracted to. It's easier to express it online. I just get tired of women claiming they can always meet jerks but then constantly ignoring me.

There was a period of a year or two right after high school where I went into hermit-mode and the only social interaction I got (not counting MMO games) was from work. This in turn gave me social anxiety where I felt really uncomfortable talking to people and even wound up having a good amount of agoraphobia, especially when I was at the grocery store (as one example, but happened at many busy stores with open spaces) at the checkout, I'd suddenly get this rush of panic and need to get the eff out of there.

This anxiety also works against you when in the situation of possibly finding a partner. People who are worthwhile will generally be attracted to like-minded folks who have: goals in life they're working toward, a strong self-esteem and self-confidence, someone who can function in society. Especially for family-oriented people, they want someone they can be proud of bringing before their family, someone they can share interests with and don't need to worry about babysitting them to be comfortable in every situation.

The vast majority of women look for traits in a guy that cater to how society has always been and will always be -- partiarchal. Women have a desire to have their input and feelings recognized, but in the end, they want a strong-minded male who will take the lead. Many won't admit this, especially those who get triggered easily, but it's life.

As far as your issue and your concerns go. there is only one solution, one avenue to pursue in this this, which is place yourself in more social situations, uncomfortable as it may be. Catering to this anxiety and/or phobia, or just complaining about it and expecting different results, won't improve things in the slightest.. it can only make it worse.

So much like depression, one has to treat it like life and death, it's not something that will resolve itself.

[ThickFitChick 22]

I want to answer the OP question first. I'm pre-op and even I don't like a lot of food based dates. I always suggest walking. I've gone to parks and trails on dates and have had some really nice conversations. If I didn't like them at least I added a few steps for the day. Outdoor events can also work. I know here there are usually food trucks, so if he is hungry he can get something there. If you are into geeky things there are trivia nights, adult nights at the science museum, conventions, etc.

On to the other conversation: I wish people would realize that no one is obligated to like them, speak to them or return their message. Yes, it is courteous but it is not a requirement of life. I been cursed out, called vile racist names and called fat (the least insult of them all) just because I said I don't think we would be a good fit. Men just can not handle rejection, especially if they think because you're fat you should have no standards. Now, I only reply to the ones I'm interested in. I expect the same. If they don't answer my message I move on. They weren't for me.

[sgc 538]

I really don't care if they give me a reply. It's more the fact that no one likes me and then I hear all these stories from women about not finding nice guys.

Now I did get an email from a woman. Her only picture is a plate of food. I feel like she knows I lost weight and is playing tricks with me.

[ThickFitChick 22]

13 minutes ago, sgc said:

I really don't care if they give me a reply. It's more the fact that no one likes me and then I hear all these stories from women about not finding nice guys.

Now I did get an email from a woman. Her only picture is a plate of food. I feel like she knows I lost weight and is playing tricks with me.

From your posts on here it seems like you have nice guy syndrome. If you are taking that into your dating life, I can see why women aren't interested. There is a sense of entitlement. My suggestion would be for you to work on your social issues first without the focus on dating. Women who are not social awkward want someone who is able to hold a conversation in person, not just online. Are you really able to date those women? If you don't work on being social you're going to end up with the same results, which will make you even more bitter.

[sgc 538]

How can I be social with someone when no one responds to me? I'm not changing who I am just to meet a woman. I haven't even gotten to the point of meeting someone in person.

[Hoping052017 97]

How can I be social with someone when no one responds to me? I'm not changing who I am just to meet a woman. I haven't even gotten to the point of meeting someone in person.

Try "meet up". Find a group that has the same interests as you. That's a good way to become more social. I believe it's meetup.com. It's a way to do what you like to do and meet new people in the process.

Going to local support group meetings either specifically for bariatric patients or Celebrate Recovery is another way to be more social and meet new people. Either way, you'd be able to meet people who either enjoy doing the same activities you like to do or people who understand the challenges we face as bariatric patients.

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