Finding myself

[bluebonz36 3]

So I am 9 months post-op. I am a wife, mother, friend, sister and daughter... and feel no identity with any of these... Somewhere along the path of life I lost who I was... who I am. With all the hormonal changes that come with this surgery most days I am over whelmed and filled with anxiety. I feel like no one understands what I am experiencing. Along with the emotional side the changes that I have physically are great because I feel better, but with all this flappy skin I feel worse about myself then before I had surgery. My marriage was kinda rocky before and now even more so because I am more out spoken and independent. I fell like I just exist from day to day. I thought I would get out of this funk and it's just not passing... I guess I am just needing to know if anyone can relate to any of this...

[Torriluv87 300]

I can relate to all of this. Except im not married with kids. But im dealing with a lot right now and it all just seems like too much. I almost thought i wrote this because I've been feeling the same way.

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[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Tell your pcp, maybe you need an antidepressant? Or some therapy.

Hormones jump all over, and changes that come fast add to the mix. Go take a college class and learn something new, no one there will know the 'old you' or any of your past and you can be yourself or discover yourself.

You can have these feelings even w/o surgery during life stages, it's good to recognize but take action of some sort. I find dwelling does nothing and changes even less.

[autumnleaf 3]

yes i do and if you want to talk try and contact me . i lost weight slow and have almost hit the 100lb mark. and all of a sudden like a light bulb i just felt like all i was was a wife mother cook cleaner . i didnt feel appreciated i was stressed with home life and work balance. i told everyone what i was feeling . i wanted to just run away. i needed room to breath and i didnt get it. i went to a counselor for 4 months it did not help. i did not get happy. i ended up kicking my husband out of the house after 22 years of marriage. he begged me not to and said he loved me . i had no emotion and never cried i was emotionally shut down. i tore the family apart the kids are devastated and he is not a changed man hurt and scorned wondering what he done wrong. im still not happy. even with talking to a physiologist . i never thought it would happen to me. I have heard of people who lost weight and had a crisis loss of identity . we'll it happened to me . please try and find good help someone who knows what your going through a specialist in weight loss. i picked a bad person that cost me a fortune but did not help me. i dont think meds are the answer you need to talk it out

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

But meds can get you over the hump, they don't have to be permanent. I took wellbutrin during a rough phase with the CEO from h €ll, and then didn't need them for a long time again until a house fire!!!

When I retired I also didn't know who I was either for over a year and then I finally settled into not having a daily job, started some hobbies back and now it's fine. I have had a friend that did divorce after wls - she became an entirely different person. I don't know if she is happier though, her husband was very devastated - we see him more socially now. Both were nice people.

[bluebonz36 3]

19 hours ago, autumnleaf said:

yes i do and if you want to talk try and contact me . i lost weight slow and have almost hit the 100lb mark. and all of a sudden like a light bulb i just felt like all i was was a wife mother cook cleaner . i didnt feel appreciated i was stressed with home life and work balance. i told everyone what i was feeling . i wanted to just run away. i needed room to breath and i didnt get it. i went to a counselor for 4 months it did not help. i did not get happy. i ended up kicking my husband out of the house after 22 years of marriage. he begged me not to and said he loved me . i had no emotion and never cried i was emotionally shut down. i tore the family apart the kids are devastated and he is not a changed man hurt and scorned wondering what he done wrong. im still not happy. even with talking to a physiologist . i never thought it would happen to me. I have heard of people who lost weight and had a crisis loss of identity . we'll it happened to me . please try and find good help someone who knows what your going through a specialist in weight loss. i picked a bad person that cost me a fortune but did not help me. i dont think meds are the answer you need to talk it out

OMGoodness yes!!!! that is exactly how I am feeling except I just want to run away. Already planned to have a job in another town and a place to live with my kids. I told my husband that we needed counseling or I was out the door. It's only been 2 weeks but things are somewhat better. I am sorry this has happening to you. If I didn't have such an awesome support system through my church family I think I would have run a long time ago. I have thought about taking a class at the local Community college and have started to learn how to quilt which is very therapeutic. Mental illness does run in my family so I am pretty in tune with what symptoms I am experiencing but medication is not for me at the moment. Thank you ladies for sharing. Just getting it all out made me feel a little relief. Both of you be blessed and take care.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Do not get meds. They will not help you. Several Dr's told me no meds. They will make things worse instead of better. Your body is going through so much upheaval that adding more chemicals to the mix is a disaster.

I identified with a lot of what you wrote. I'm not married, I am single and I live alone but I went through a big identity crisis a few months ago. Around the time I went from plus to normal sizes. I felt like I was in an alien body. And the way people treated me differently really hurt me a lot. Mainly because when I was huge I was a confident and happy person. I thought I mattered then when I lost weight and I realized how people really thought about fat people and me before I lost weight, I lost it. It crushed me. I realized I had spent most of my adult life oblivious to how under valued I was. Then that just spiraled into body image and self esteem issues that I have never had before. I felt like my body was the body of a monster with all the loose skin. I have mirrors all over my home because in general I'm vain but I started to hate even seeing myself in the mirror all I saw was flaws. I went from walking around 1/2 dressed to being covered up all the time so I wouldn't have to see myself.

I looked for a counselor that specialized in post weight loss. I never found one. I went to a regular counselor and she was okay. She still didn't understand what I was going through and none of my friends did either. People thinking you lost weight. You should be happy now.

Then it finally clicked for me. This is a solitary experience. No one is ever going to understand. Most people never hit almost 400 pounds and most never lose this low. It just doesn't happen. Even most people in the WLS community are useless, losing 100 pounds is nothing like losing 200. So instead of trying to talk to other people and get other people to understand my experience and relate to it, I did a lot of internal searching. I meditated, went to church, did yoga and focused on myself and loving myself. Instead of focusing on my failures I focus on my successes.

It is still hard it is a daily struggle but I am a lot better now than I was 6 months ago.

Edited April 29, 2017 by OutsideMatchInside

[Joann454 1,329]

Do not get meds. They will not help you. Several Dr's told me no meds. They will make things worse instead of better. Your body is going through so much upheaval that adding more chemicals to the mix is a disaster.

I identified with a lot of what you wrote. I'm not married, I am single and I live alone but I went through a big identity crisis a few months ago. Around the time I went from plus to normal sizes. I felt like I was in an alien body. And the way people treated me differently really hurt me a lot. Mainly because when I was huge I was a confident and happy person. I thought I mattered then when I lost weight and I realized how people really thought about fat people and me before I lost weight, I lost it. It crushed me. I realized I had spent most of my adult life oblivious to how under valued I was. Then that just spiraled into body image and self esteem issues that I have never had before. I felt like my body was the body of a monster with all the loose skin. I have mirrors all over my home because in general I'm vain but I started to hate even seeing myself in the mirror all I saw was flaws. I went from walking around 1/2 dressed to being covered up all the time so I wouldn't have to see myself.

I looked for a counselor that specialized in post weight loss. I never found one. I went to a regular counselor and she was okay. She still didn't understand what I was going through and none of my friends did either. People thinking you lost weight. You should be happy now.
Then it finally clicked for me. This is a solitary experience. No one is ever going to understand. Most people never hit almost 400 pounds and most never lose this low. It just doesn't happen. Even most people in the WLS connunity are useless, losing 100 pounds is nothing like losing 200. So instead of trying to talk to other people and get other people to understand my experience a d relate to it, I did a lot of internal searching. I meditated, went to church, did yoga and focused on myself and loving myself. Instead of focusing on my failures I focus on my successes.

It is still hard it is a daily struggle but I am a lot better now than I was 6 months ago.

Wow. This was powerful to read. I hadn't considered ANY of this. I don't have 200 lbs to lose but nonetheless reading your story absolutely moved me.

Thanks for sharing. All of you. Thank you.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

37 minutes ago, Joann454 said:

Wow. This was powerful to read. I hadn't considered ANY of this. I don't have 200 lbs to lose but nonetheless reading your story absolutely moved me.

Thanks for sharing. All of you. Thank you.

I wasn't prepare for life after weight loss at all, and I thought I was. Most of what they warn you about pre-op is addiction transfer, not creating good habits/regain and infidelity. Well since I didn't drink before surgery, dropping sizes rapidly basically killed my previous shopping habit, and I'm not married, I thought I didn't have much to worry about.

No one really prepares you for body image or self-esteem issues. They feel like when you lose weight all that should be resolved. If you didn't hate yourself/body before, adjusting to a new body can be hard. Finding all new stores to shop at can be hard. Find clothes you like, and then having them be too big in 2 weeks can drive you nuts. I've lost 2 shoes sizes. All the shoes I bought last year I need give away because they are too large.

Not having clothes, after having 3 closets full of clothes and shoes, freaks me out. I can't replace stuff as fast as I am dropping sizes, and I hate shopping now because I have to try every single thing on.

[Joann454 1,329]

I wasn't prepare for life after weight loss at all, and I thought I was. Most of what they warn you about pre-op is addiction transfer, not creating good habits/regain and infidelity. Well since I didn't drink before surgery, dropping sizes rapidly basically killed my previous shopping habit, and I'm not married, I thought I didn't have much to worry about.
No one really prepares you for body image or self-esteem issues. They feel like when you lose weight all that should be resolved. If you didn't hate yourself/body before, adjusting to a new body can be hard. Finding all new stores to shop at can be hard. Find clothes you like, and then having them be too big in 2 weeks can drive you nuts. I've lost 2 shoes sizes. All the shoes I bought last year I need give away because they are too large.
Not having clothes, after having 3 closets full of clothes and shoes, freaks me out. I can't replace stuff as fast as I am dropping sizes, and I hate shopping now because I have to try every single thing on.

I'm definitely going to have to hit up goodwill while I'm transitioning down.
I hate shopping now. I hate looking in the mirror now. I've always envied women who are big and own it and feel comfortable. That's never been me.
I hate my body but it does freak me out to think of all the extra skin. I'm not young anymore and idk how it'll look. I'm trying to focus on health but let's face it none of us wants to look worse (even if it's in our own head, all that matters is perception). I don't even know how to address these things beforehand. Guess I'll just take it as it comes. I'm so grateful to have this place where we can speak freely and feel safe.

[bluebonz36 3]

7 hours ago, OutsideMatchInside said:

Do not get meds. They will not help you. Several Dr's told me no meds. They will make things worse instead of better. Your body is going through so much upheaval that adding more chemicals to the mix is a disaster.

I identified with a lot of what you wrote. I'm not married, I am single and I live alone but I went through a big identity crisis a few months ago. Around the time I went from plus to normal sizes. I felt like I was in an alien body. And the way people treated me differently really hurt me a lot. Mainly because when I was huge I was a confident and happy person. I thought I mattered then when I lost weight and I realized how people really thought about fat people and me before I lost weight, I lost it. It crushed me. I realized I had spent most of my adult life oblivious to how under valued I was. Then that just spiraled into body image and self esteem issues that I have never had before. I felt like my body was the body of a monster with all the loose skin. I have mirrors all over my home because in general I'm vain but I started to hate even seeing myself in the mirror all I saw was flaws. I went from walking around 1/2 dressed to being covered up all the time so I wouldn't have to see myself.

I looked for a counselor that specialized in post weight loss. I never found one. I went to a regular counselor and she was okay. She still didn't understand what I was going through and none of my friends did either. People thinking you lost weight. You should be happy now.

Then it finally clicked for me. This is a solitary experience. No one is ever going to understand. Most people never hit almost 400 pounds and most never lose this low. It just doesn't happen. Even most people in the WLS community are useless, losing 100 pounds is nothing like losing 200. So instead of trying to talk to other people and get other people to understand my experience and relate to it, I did a lot of internal searching. I meditated, went to church, did yoga and focused on myself and loving myself. Instead of focusing on my failures I focus on my successes.

It is still hard it is a daily struggle but I am a lot better now than I was 6 months ago.

Thank you for the advice. Yes much of this journey I do feel like I just need time and space to do some inner soul searching. I feel it in my spirit. I was planning and saving for a road trip up to the mountains this summer for my surgiversary and ended up having to spend what I saved. We were going to go as a family, but the more close summer gets I feel I am supposed to go alone. I don't think anyone around me would understand why I would make a trip like that on my own.

[MBird 298]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, my hope is you can come out the other end better, and I feel you will.

Do not take medication, and steer clear of people who tell you to, also doctors who tell you to. They don't help in the long run, and actually cause much, much more harm to your brain's chemical balance. I've a degree in brain health, and one thing that is very clear is that when you take meds, or any antidepressant, the natural serotonin level brain produces lowers itself to compensate for the fake serotonin that come in the form of medications. This is why psychiatrists will caution against going off them all at once. If a person quits their antidepressants suddenly, the brain cannot compensate and depression becomes worse, leading to suicide in many cases. And sometimes, some people can never go off them, even when they try to slowly ween themselves from the drugs. Some doctors will suggest a patient stay on them for this reason. An even worse doctor will suggest them at all. Medications should only be used for the most severely mentally disordered patients.

What you are better off doing is finding a psychotherapist you connect with. Not all therapists will connect with their patients, so be aware it sometimes takes a few to finally find one you mesh with. Once you do, you can begin to unravel and reveal what is in your thought process.

In the meantime, there are many things you can do to relax your mind and take the edge off. Meditation, yoga, listening to positive music, reading books about mental health and whatever you feel your troubled issues are, a healthy diet full of omegas (fish) and veggies, I suggest the Mediterranean Diet.

Exercise and also hand writing in a journal. Try meet-ups and meet knew people to spend time with, go slow. If you do it just once, at least you gave it a shot and tried. Comfort yourself with things that make you feel good: baths, scenic walks, anything that you personally find joyful. You can also search out a bariatric support group and feel if they tackle any of these issues, but do those in person.

Stay offline as much as you can, or use social media less - sometimes it can worsen depression as the connections are not very deep most times.

Whatever you do, be gentle on you and don't berate yourself. It's natural to go through changes about ourselves and our lives, whether it's related to bariatric surgery or not.

I'm hoping all the best for you.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Not all antidepressants are SSRI, some work on dopamine and norepinephrine.

Welbutrin is one of those and a person can taper off of it fairly easy w little side effects. While I am not offended easily I am taken aback at people that say 'don't take anything, don't take anything' when it saves lives all the time, and it's ironic that we are on here having DRASTIC surgery for medical reasons but eschew medication, while giving expert medical advice......holy merde

[MBird 298]

Not all antidepressants are SSRI, some work on dopamine and norepinephrine. Welbutrin is one of those and a person can taper off of it fairly easy w little side effects. While I am not offended easily I am taken aback at people that say 'don't take anything, don't take anything' when it saves lives all the time, and it's ironic that we are on here having DRASTIC surgery for medical reasons but eschew medication, while giving expert medical advice......holy merde

I'm extremely dubious of any anti depressant. Meds don't help most peoples situation because it doesn't fix the issue, just buries it.

You're talking about Buptopian, which comes with a myriad of side affects, including delusional thinking, confusion, hallucinations, paranoia, seizures - and while those side affects and symptoms can be reduced by lowering the dosage, and while it's great to help with not smoking, why the hell would a person want to take something that is potentially dangerous if they don't smoke?

And while I agree that Welbutrin is a safer choice for very short term use, as it's a less harmless anti depressant, many people start of taking it and don't fix their issues, then graduate to harder SSRI meds.

Therapy is a better way of dealing with issues. I disagree with just handing out pills.< /p>

I've known many mentally unstable people in my line of work, many having had taken anti depressants and very few of them were helped by them, but by changing their lifestyles.

[Nursepayne 3]

I'm extremely dubious of any anti depressant. Meds don't help most peoples situation because it doesn't fix the issue, just buries it.
You're talking about Buptopian, which comes with a myriad of side affects, including delusional thinking, confusion, hallucinations, paranoia, seizures - and while those side affects and symptoms can be reduced by lowering the dosage, and while it's great to help with not smoking, why the hell would a person want to take something that is potentially dangerous if they don't smoke?
And while I agree that Welbutrin is a safer choice for very short term use, as it's a less harmless anti depressant, many people start of taking it and don't fix their issues, then graduate to harder SSRI meds.
Therapy is a better way of dealing with issues. I disagree with just handing out pills.< br>I've known many mentally unstable people in my line of work, many having had taken anti depressants and very few of them were helped by them, but by changing their lifestyles.

I am a well educated graduate level nurse with experience in mental health and I work with patients who are struggling emotionally and pts who are mentally ill. A personal note....i have been taking an SSRI for 14 yrs, my 19 yo daughter has been on it for 5 yrs. In fact, there is such a chemical imbalance throughout the family....several of us need the SSRI to function normally. Y would you tell someone to not take something prescribed by their Dr. Would you tell a diabetic to not take their insulin because the body will end up craving it....well duh!!! The body needs the insulin...same concept with a SSRI. PEOPLE LISTEN TO TRAINED HEALTH CARE STAFF. IF YOU NEED A PILL TO GET YOU THRU THE DAY THEN SO BE IT!! I WORK WITH CANCER PTS TOO. WE GET MANY WHO DON'T WANT TREATMENT BECAUSE OF WHAT A FRIEND TOLD THEM....OH GEEZ
..THEN 3 MONTHS LATER THE PT NOW HAS METASTATIC BREAST CANCER...IF ONLY SHE TOOK THE MEDS THE DR RECOMMENDED INSTEAD OF SMOKING DOPE AND EATING ALL NATURAL , THEN THE MASS COULD HAVE SHRUNK VS BREAKING THRU THE SKIN. NOW THAT PT IS DEAD!!! TRY THE MEDS PEOPLE!!!

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