From Idol weight to Anorexia to Overweight

[sksh 31]

So here is my story..

It's long post but I really have no one to talk to that can understand me....

in 11 Jan 2015 I had the Sleeve Surgery and my new life started..

I started a new lifestyle and I was working out I start losing weight really good.

everything was more than amazing and I felt like I died and went to heaven.

the dream of my life was coming true .. all I ever want is coming true and happening in real life not just in my dreams.

I hit my idol weight .. from 125kg to 55kg in a year and couple months.

and I was still living a healthy life and a feeling great. I felt so strong and controlled over my life and everything..nothing can stop me.

I resigned from my job and I stayed home searching for new job but still I kept eating healthy and working out, nothing changed.

then I found the perfect new job.. The place were I always wanted ... I worked so hard to prove myself and make them re-contract with fulltime contract..

the thing is I forgot myself .. I wasn't eating or even drinking Water ... in only 3monthes I went from 55kg to 30kg without even trying... I then tried to fix this and get on track again but it was too late...

my body gave up ,, I was rushed to the ER my levels were all zero.. my heart was in bad shape surrounded with water which make it hard for it to beat .. I was diagnosed as Anorexia..... My brain was effected by all of this too I guess .. If you ask me "Sarah what happen back in Nov and Oct of 2016" ... I have no idea...I wasn't even there.... I can't remember this 2 months at all .. for me i felt like I was asleep for 2 months ....

It was hell .. for my mom and my uncle who had to take care of me....The brainless weak body .. I couldn't move my head it was always hanging there :/ and I was talking hardly but it wasn't me ...I can't remember anything .. nothing ..

I gained over 30kg since I was eating so fast and a lot till I really pass out .. my mom had to hold me every time I was eating.....I was eating all time and when I start walking they had to lock the kitchen cuz against my will, I will eat every damn thing....without even feeling or knowing it..

now I weight +80kgs... and my appetite is still crazily wild and I can't control it.......I went to a doctor to seek help, he told me my stomach is bigger now (after only 2years from surgery) and he refused to fix the damage by surgery .. he gave me a strict diet and that's it..even when I told him that I can't control my appetite anymore..

I have a massive depression from my weight and the loss of control over everything I had to go to consultant .. I tried..and I'm still trying to kill myself ...

I see no point of re-trying .. No point of living.. myself steam is Zero .. I refuse to meet or talk to people anymore....

I simply can't .. I'm a big fail the only success and the thing I wanted the most and made me proud is losing weight ... Losing what I achieved made me feel like I lost everything..lost hope, lost motivation to live.

and worst I lost faith in God .. what I ever asked for? nothing ... the only thing I wanted so bad and I worked hard for ,, was taken from me in the worst and must painful way ever...what have I ever did to deserve this?

I have no one to talk to and share my feeling to ...

and you guys are my last place to share my feeling with...

Edited April 24, 2017 by sksh

[Deactivatedfatgal 377]

First off, I'm sorry you for want through this! I would hope you could find support on a forum like this. So you became anorexic and then began binge eating to gain the weight back? Now you feel you can't stop eating? What did the doc do to check and see if your stomach stretched? I'm praying you find your way & faith. You are beautiful & WORTHY. Hope my few words of encouragement help

[sksh 31]

1 minute ago, Deactivatedfatgal said:

First off, I'm sorry you for want through this! I would hope you could find support on a forum like this. So you became anorexic and then began binge eating to gain the weight back? Now you feel you can't stop eating? What did the doc do to check and see if your stomach stretched? I'm praying you find your way & faith. You are beautiful & WORTHY. Hope my few words of encouragement help

I don't even felt the times of binging...

they did that test where you drink something and X-ray .. I forgot the name of the test

"You are beautiful & WORTHY."

Thank you <3 But I'm really not.... and I hope soon everything will end..

Thank you <3

[Berry78 4,261]

Remember your dream of going abroad for your studies. It can still happen! You have run into health issues, but schools aren't going anywhere. Get stronger, and find a way! You can do it!

It is a great big world out there. So many opportunities! I know you have the strength to go and find a new path, because you have been so brave on this one.

[sksh 31]

3 minutes ago, Berry78 said:

Remember your dream of going abroad for your studies. It can still happen! You have run into health issues, but schools aren't going anywhere. Get stronger, and find a way! You can do it!

It is a great big world out there. So many opportunities! I know you have the strength to go and find a new path, because you have been so brave on this one.

I lost it .. all hopes and motivations ,,, the only path I see is dark.. I'm really tired od this .. every time I try and try I lose.

Thank you for your replay.

I'm sorry for the long post but I really just needed to get out of my chest ...

[Berry78 4,261]

Every night has a dawn...

[soccermom2 27]

I'm probably not the best to respond since I am still pre-op but you post really got to me. I am so sorry that you've gone through all of this.

Have you thought about revision surgery? I have seen a few people on these forums who had regain or didn't lose as much as they wanted. They did a revision to the mini gastric bypass or full gastric bypass and had a lot of success with it. Of course I don't know if you meet the BMI requirements or not for that.

I've also seen people do a "pouch reset" where you go back to what you were doing in the beginning right after surgery. liquid diet, then purees, etc. It's supposed to help regain some restriction.

I really think you should try seeing a therapist too. They can help with the depression you have & even help with the binge eating problems.

Are you exercising? Using a Fitbit helped me a lot. I thought I was active but I was gaining weight. Then I tracked with my Fitbit and was actually only getting around 4,000-5,000 steps a day when I'm supposed to get 10,000.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

You need to get a better therapist, between your physical state and mental state everything is fighting with each other. Your body wants to live, you can change your mind - when the mind is being a sneaky lying b!tch you have to tell it to shut up! It lies. You can do this, don't worry about what you weigh right now. Just follow the rules of eating at a table in full view, drinking 30 minutes after food, write down in a journal what you eat, and write down 1 funny thing that you saw or that happened, 1 thing you are grateful for, 1 thing you will do tomorrow - just a plain old notebook will do. Repeat and know that you can love yourself again. Get your mind going forward and then deal with your body. Post back here DAILY.

[sksh 31]

15 hours ago, soccermom2 said:

I'm probably not the best to respond since I am still pre-op but you post really got to me. I am so sorry that you've gone through all of this.

Have you thought about revision surgery? I have seen a few people on these forums who had regain or didn't lose as much as they wanted. They did a revision to the mini gastric bypass or full gastric bypass and had a lot of success with it. Of course I don't know if you meet the BMI requirements or not for that.

I've also seen people do a "pouch reset" where you go back to what you were doing in the beginning right after surgery. liquid diet, then purees, etc. It's supposed to help regain some restriction.

I really think you should try seeing a therapist too. They can help with the depression you have & even help with the binge eating problems.

Are you exercising? Using a Fitbit helped me a lot. I thought I was active but I was gaining weight. Then I tracked with my Fitbit and was actually only getting around 4,000-5,000 steps a day when I'm supposed to get 10,000.

I did and I talked to my Doctor but he refused ...

I tried to do the liquid diet... I failed :[

I also went to consultant, I told him I hate losing control over my eating habits I hate the fact that I can't do anything regarding me gaining weight .. still he gave me pills that increase appetite..................So I stopped taking them and going to him.......

I did tried to go to the gym...my member **** is gonna expire soon and I only went there 5 times...When ever I will go I ended up crying and have no energy and when I actual go I'mm come back with bad mood and extremely hungry.

and I do use fitnesspal, I hope it will help....

Thank you for your respond :[ it means a lot to me <3

[sksh 31]

14 hours ago, Sosewsue61 said:

You need to get a better therapist, between your physical state and mental state everything is fighting with each other. Your body wants to live, you can change your mind - when the mind is being a sneaky lying b!tch you have to tell it to shut up! It lies. You can do this, don't worry about what you weigh right now. Just follow the rules of eating at a table in full view, drinking 30 minutes after food, write down in a journal what you eat, and write down 1 funny thing that you saw or that happened, 1 thing you are grateful for, 1 thing you will do tomorrow - just a plain old notebook will do. Repeat and know that you can love yourself again. Get your mind going forward and then deal with your body. Post back here DAILY.

Exactly that's my feeling,..

Everything inside me is fighting... Even my mental state is not clear yet..One day I say okay I'll do it re-start again..the Other day I'll say screw it and eat non-stop.....

I stopped fallowing the rules.....and I think it's the reason for making m stomach larger now....I can eat like the old 125kg Sarah again...........

To be honest with you.. I see nothing in my life to be grateful for anymore...But I'll try...

Thank you so much..Just the fact that you all stopped and read this post means a lot to me <3

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

You need to get a better therapist, between your physical state and mental state everything is fighting with each other. Your body wants to live, you can change your mind - when the mind is being a sneaky lying b!tch you have to tell it to shut up! It lies. You can do this, don't worry about what you weigh right now. Just follow the rules of eating at a table in full view, drinking 30 minutes after food, write down in a journal what you eat, and write down 1 funny thing that you saw or that happened, 1 thing you are grateful for, 1 thing you will do tomorrow - just a plain old notebook will do. Repeat and know that you can love yourself again. Get your mind going forward and then deal with your body. Post back here DAILY.

[higher 966]

Seek talk therapy and go often. Try multiple therapists if you have to until you find one that you are most comfortable speaking with. Therapy works. One of the best things about it simply having someone to talk to who will tell you that it's not all for naught. Wishing you the best of luck and lots of hope- you can find the strength to get through this.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Sarah, you are 26 and trust me there is time. I am 61 and happiness is possible even at a higher weight than your ideal goal weight. Try finding books by Geneen Roth, get them online or from a library. Give yourself permission to fail, it's okay to fail sometimes, breathe.

You have to get out of your house, I insist. You must take a walk and not look down but smile. The people you pass probably don't even know the old Sarah so they aren't judging you.

Other medication might work better. I take Wellbutrin, it actually helps with food cravings, as it is the same ingredient to help smokers stop and it lifts that brain fog you have. Ask to try it maybe, it takes about 3 weeks to work well.

What was your dream job by the way. And skills don't disappear just because you are befuddled right now doesn't mean you can't get another job in a related field.