Dealing with an unsupportive husband...help!

[jessgnc 167]

Tl;dr: Husband says he supports me. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming otherwise. What should I do?

Let me preface this post with a note. My husband is wonderful. Our relationship is healthy and happy, and while I’d change some things, they are tiny things like biting his nails, nothing substantial. We have been together in some form for 14 years and while he might come off in a negative light in this post, that isn’t who he is.

There was a small hiccup and despite being told I was approved earlier in the week, I was actually REALLY approved yesterday. My husband and I were discussing the news last night.

My husband has been against this surgery since the day I told him. When I initially began looking into it, I sat on telling him for nearly 3 months, making sure it was what I wanted before I told him. He is amazing at arguing a point and I didn’t want to have my mind changed unless his arguments were amazing. Once he realized I was in this 100%, he told me that he didn’t agree with the decision, but he’d support me completely and be there for me.

I…I don’t feel that he has. He hasn’t gone to a single support meeting with me, though I have asked him to. He went to one doctor’s visit, but that was after I browbeat and begged him to come. My first visit had been a disaster. The entire waiting room was filled with patients and +1’s. I was literally the only person that day who was there alone. I actually broke down crying when the nurse took me back. Having him there the second visit made a world of difference for me and my mental health, and I think it helped him understand that while he has issues, this surgery is about as safe as many others and I am a great candidate.

I feel unable to talk to him about the topic. If I broach it, he discusses it as pleasantly as possible, but his body language just screams “I DON’T AGREE WITH THIS.”

After telling him my good approval news, I asked him point blank if this was the right choice, mostly hoping to allay my anxiety. He let out a really drawn out sigh and then told me he still didn’t think it was and that I was making a lifetime commitment for cosmetic reasons. I explained again that while the cosmetic thing was a nice bonus, this was being done so I could live a long and healthy life without major health issues. His reply was “well those years at the end would suck anyway.” He also argued that instead of taking pills for being sick, I’d take pills to remain healthy. I tried to argue the difference between taking Vitamins vs taking insulin or heart medication, but as mentioned above, he’s REALLY good at arguing a point, so I let it go.

To be fair, the blame on asking him a direct question and getting a direct answer is on me. I don’t begrudge him telling me the truth. It just really hurt to hear him say it. This is happening. He knows this is happening. He has voiced his concerns multiple times and I’ve tried to quell them by using science and facts. Would it really hurt for him to give me little white lies when he knows this is an inevitability? I asked him if he’d visit me when I was recovering at the hospital and when he asked how long I’d be there and I told him probably a day and a half, he said “Yeah, I’d have to pick you up and drop you off anyway.” That…that’s kind of crushing to hear. You guess you might drop in on your wife? For someone who claims to support me and my decision 100%, that feels oddly unsupportive. It would be nice to wake up and see him there. My friends have already told me to tell them when I’d be in the hospital so they can visit. Meanwhile, I have to ask my husband to make an appearance?

At the end of the conversation, he said “we’ll figure this out.” Honestly, I almost cried. He said WE, not me. I pointed out how nice it felt to hear him as being on the same team and he ruined the moment by saying “well, I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

The moment he said “we” instead of singling me out felt amazing, like we were a team and I had my partner and best friend on my side. This is a huge undertaking and it would be amazing to have him there instead of dragging his feet.

I don’t know what to do guys. Am I reading too much into all of this? For as long as I have known him, he has always been very outspoken against elective surgery. I’m healthy (now) and this isn’t medically necessary (yet). I’m just not going to be able to convince him that this is the right decision for me unless I have a serious medical condition related to weight happen. I’m not waiting for my body to break before I make repairs. If he says he supports me, should I take it at face value? Should I stop bothering him with this and keep him out of the loop? The friends I have told have been wonderful, should I just rely on them and not bother him with this?

[MelissaH74 111]

I can tell you I went through this exact thing. But in the end I think all it was was that he was scared of a bad outcome. Still now almost 4 weeks postop he still has his moments, but in his own way tries to make sure I'm comfortable, and getting my needs met. It's hard trust me!!


M

[blizair09 3,250]

I'm curious. Is he overweight or obese himself? I wonder if he worries about what the "new you" will be like and how it might affect your relationship?

Just a wondering...

Regardless, I hope that he steps up as you move closer to your surgery date. Hang in there!

[Please 188]

I don't mean this in a rude way, but you seem very needy. There's no reson you need him at appointments. I mean is 2 people taking time off work for one persons appointments. He's just scared something will happen to you, maybe if you seemed stronger , he would too. I went for my surgery alone to mexico and the husband stayed home with the kids. He wasn't crazy about the idea, but it's not his body. Anyway, as I said.....please don't take it the wrong way, be strong and attend your meetings on your own. my husband wouldn't attend a meeting with me either, not that I'd asked, but I wouldn't even expect him to you. We been together 20 years and have a great relationship, but I did it for me and I never let on I was scared or it would scare him.

[jessgnc 167]

6 minutes ago, Please said:

I don't mean this in a rude way, but you seem very needy. There's no reson you need him at appointments. I mean is 2 people taking time off work for one persons appointments. He's just scared something will happen to you, maybe if you seemed stronger , he would too. I went for my surgery alone to Mexico and the husband stayed home with the kids. He wasn't crazy about the idea, but it's not his body. Anyway, as I said.....please don't take it the wrong way, be strong and attend your meetings on your own. my husband wouldn't attend a meeting with me either, not that I'd asked, but I wouldn't even expect him to you. We been together 20 years and have a great relationship, but I did it for me and I never let on I was scared or it would scare him.

Thanks for the disclaimer, it's hard to read things online without context! No rudeness detected.

I didn't really explain wanting him there fully, I mostly brushed past it. We have different work schedules. I made sure to make the appointments when he wouldn't be at work so he could come if he was willing. I didn't need him at every appointment, but this was a huge undertaking for me and having him just OFFER to go (even if he hadn't gone) instead of avoiding it every time would have made a huge difference. I had to browbeat him into going. When I asked him to go initially. his reply was "I already told you I support you. Isn't that enough ?Why do I need to be there?" Had I been faster on my feet, my reply would have been "because actions speak louder than words."

As for not being scared...I am scared. This is a huge and life changing thing. I'd be foolish to not admit fear. He has been my rock for everything else in life (and I have been the same for him). To hide this one aspect feels like lying by omission. That's why I wanted to talk to him about it. I guess you and I are different people. You were strong enough to go on your own, I needed someone there at least once for moral support.

[jessgnc 167]

24 minutes ago, blizair09 said:

I'm curious. Is he overweight or obese himself? I wonder if he worries about what the "new you" will be like and how it might affect your relationship?

Just a wondering...

Regardless, I hope that he steps up as you move closer to your surgery date. Hang in there!

He's classified as overweight. He's 6'3/6'4 and around 230. Nothing drastic. I'd like to think that he's secure enough in our relationship that he knows I'm only attracted to him. (Seriously. I was more or less asexual until he came around. I'm (husbandsname)sexual!

I hope he comes around too. Thanks.

46 minutes ago, MelissaH74 said:

I can tell you I went through this exact thing. But in the end I think all it was was that he was scared of a bad outcome. Still now almost 4 weeks postop he still has his moments, but in his own way tries to make sure I'm comfortable, and getting my needs met. It's hard trust me!!


M

Thanks for the reply. That's actually really reassuring. Maybe once he sees the deed is done, he'll join me. I know he definitely is nervous. When he did come to my appointment, he picked the doctor's brain for statistics on the safety of the surgery and if it would even make a difference for me (since my body is broken). I thought the responses put him at ease. Maybe not? Maybe once the weight starts coming off and the surgery is a success, he'll come around?

[YeaMe 246]

There are many different reasons he could be acting like he is. (1) He really is against "elective" surgery; (2) he is worried something might happen to you while in surgery; (3) he's worried when you lose the weight you will be looking for an "upgrade." Either way, he is not supporting you in this. My suggestion is to look elsewhere for your support - whether a family member or a friend who can go with you to your appointments/hospital for surgery/mental support, or an actual support group.

Remember these are just my opinions and I don't know him/you at all, but I think if he sees you getting support from someone/somewhere else, he will come around some, maybe not all the way. I'm pretty sure he is hoping by his negative responses and non-support that you will decide not to have the surgery.

i do not think you are needy - you just want someone there with you. Some people are very independent (I did it all on my own which was easy for me), but others need/want someone there to hear all that's said and to support them in their choice - whether they agree with it or not. Either way it is not wrong.

I wish you the best of luck and stay strong on what you think is best for you!

[sc101071 398]

He cares about you. He's scared of how it will affect your relationship and the things you have done together for 14 years. It's all understandable. I don't know how great an argument "those years would suck" is, though.

If you do it, and you get healthy, and you remain as loyal to him as you appear to be, he will be happy for you in the end. If you get healthy, your last years will not suck like they might w/diabetes or other comorbidities.

Most important, it is your body, and you get to want those years, and to have fun during those years. Not one day have I regretted my decision.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

Just do what you need to do, with or without his support.

[Airstream88 361]

I think he is scared that something may happen to you based on how you said he picked the surgeon's brain about the risks and complications. Men don't like to show their feelings of fear, dependence and uncertainty so they come out in other, non-desirable, ways. Try to accept that he has ambivalent feelings concerning your surgery and find support elsewhere. I'm pretty sure he will come around after its done and he sees that you are alright.

I think you are doing the right thing having it done now. I waited until I was 54 - after my knees were shot and arthritis had creeped into all my joints. I also had high blood pressure and was borderline Type 2 diabetic. Losing 114 pounds thus far has really helped with everything but my knees will be the same as before I gained all the weight.

[bunnyboop 41]

I think that for whatever reason (and you may never know why, exactly), your husband is not going to meet your expectations for what you feel he needs to be doing for you regarding the surgery, your post op care, or your post surgical life. He does not support what you're doing and you need to accept that. You need to move on from having any expectations at all from him regarding the surgery and find your support elsewhere. In time and once you've recovered and your lives reach their "new normal," (in terms of your diet and nutrition), this too shall pass. In the meantime, you need to forgive your husband for what he can't give you and you need to start organizing your support now. If you want hospital visitors (think through this one carefully -- you may just want to rest), tell people that. You may need help at home the first few days after you come home from the hospital -- set it up now. Don't rely on or make assumptions about what your husband "should be doing," for you once you come home. Arrange for a friend to stay over, so they can make your evening "meal," bring you your fluids, and do the same thing for you in the morning and afternoon too. Arrange for your own care post-op and again, have zero expectations of your husband. Let him know well in advance who is coming and when, but don't be snarky and don't say things like "This wouldn't be necessary if you were on board." Let it be. Allow your husband to be uninvolved and allow him his feelings, whatever they are. You are on your own in this, your husband has been very clear with you about that, I know you're hurt but again, this too shall pass. You need to let this one go.

Bunny

[Berry78 4,261]

If he ever lived with someone with those undesirable diseases, he'd sing a new tune. My FIL has insulin dependent diabetes. His medication costs for a year (after good prescription insurance coverage) are $3700. He is on 27 medications, all relatable to metabolic syndrome. He became diabetic in his 40's.

My husband understood the risks, and was willing to support me too. Even so, while he was driving me to the airport, if I said I'd changed my mind, he so would have turned that car around.

Now, I'm a month postop, and he shared his most tender section of steak with me. Lol.

[jessgnc 167]

6 minutes ago, bunnyboop said:

I think that for whatever reason (and you may never know why, exactly), your husband is not going to meet your expectations for what you feel he needs to be doing for you regarding the surgery, your post op care, or your post surgical life. He does not support what you're doing and you need to accept that. You need to move on from having any expectations at all from him regarding the surgery and find your support elsewhere. In time and once you've recovered and your lives reach their "new normal," (in terms of your diet and nutrition), this too shall pass. In the meantime, you need to forgive your husband for what he can't give you and you need to start organizing your support now. If you want hospital visitors (think through this one carefully -- you may just want to rest), tell people that. You may need help at home the first few days after you come home from the hospital -- set it up now. Don't rely on or make assumptions about what your husband "should be doing," for you once you come home. Arrange for a friend to stay over, so they can make your evening "meal," bring you your fluids, and do the same thing for you in the morning and afternoon too. Arrange for your own care post-op and again, have zero expectations of your husband. Let him know well in advance who is coming and when, but don't be snarky and don't say things like "This wouldn't be necessary if you were on board." Let it be. Allow your husband to be uninvolved and allow him his feelings, whatever they are. You are on your own in this, your husband has been very clear with you about that, I know you're hurt but again, this too shall pass. You need to let this one go.

Bunny

Hey Bunny,

That hurt to read and hear, but I think I needed those hard truths. You're absolutely right. The situation sucks, but it is what it is and I can't change it. The most I can do is change how I handle it. I really appreciate your reply.

[B.Annie 290]

Everyone has said what you need to hear so I will only reiterate...
My husband ONLY supports this because he knows I am 100% for it. He has mentioned numerous times that he doesn't think I should do it. Really comes down to his disdain or fear of what he considers "unnecessary surgery" (root of that is seeing someone you love in pain for what he would consider optional).
I know he will support me even though if I were to show any sign of discomfort with it, he will hope to talk me out of it. Because of that, I haven't asked him to be a part of this journey AT ALL except to understand my reasons - which he ultimately does.

If you're 100% certain of this choice, and if you have explained your stance and your husband says he will support it whether he has a different stance or not, leave him alone about it! Stop making this about him or comparing him to others +1. Give him a chance to support you how he feels comfortable and stop pushing him to a breaking point with it. He's clearly loving you the best way he can with this topic and your just picking at a wound for him. You're the problem in this one. Not him. So just trust him and leave him alone about it.


HW: 328 (02/22/17)
SW: TBD
CW: 292

[jessgnc 167]

3 minutes ago, B.Annie said:

Everyone has said what you need to hear so I will only reiterate...
My husband ONLY supports this because he knows I am 100% for it. He has mentioned numerous times that he doesn't think I should do it. Really comes down to his disdain or fear of what he considers "unnecessary surgery" (root of that is seeing someone you love in pain for what he would consider optional).
I know he will support me even though if I were to show any sign of discomfort with it, he will hope to talk me out of it. Because of that, I haven't asked him to be a part of this journey AT ALL except to understand my reasons - which he ultimately does.

If you're 100% certain of this choice, and if you have explained your stance and your husband says he will support it whether he has a different stance or not, leave him alone about it! Stop making this about him or comparing him to others +1. Give him a chance to support you how he feels comfortable and stop pushing him to a breaking point with it. He's clearly loving you the best way he can with this topic and your just picking at a wound for him. You're the problem in this one. Not him. So just trust him and leave him alone about it.


HW: 328 (02/22/17)
SW: TBD
CW: 292

Hard truths suck!! But you're right. Thank you.

I'm glad I posted. I wasn't expecting this kind of feedback, but it has really helped put things in perspective. I really appreciate everyone chiming in with more or less the same response, but with different ways to share it. This is such a wonderful community.