Summrizing the candidates for 2008...

[DerickM 1]

Well this is what the internet in all its various guises and personas has taught me about the candidates. I'll try to reproduce the best summarizations as best I can.

HILLARY CLINTON: is in favor of trade regulation, expansion of social programs, education, and environmental protections, wants federal universal health care, is a hawkish interventionalist, was for the Iraq war before she was against it but is now most certainly against it, wants to make flag burning illegal and then make guns illegal just in case people can still legally shoot the flag or illegally shoot each other, is personally against abortion but says it should be totally legal, nobody really knows for sure if she's really for or against same-sex marriage because half the time even she doesn't act like she knows, pokes at video games as the next great Social Evil, and her name, "Clinton," is a component of the Wording Way which the Fremen value for its ability to shut down the logical thought processes of Republicans and turn them into snarling, amygdala-driven hate-beasts when they hear it spoken. Was married to some partially significant dude who got a blow job this one time in an event that has become the new Chappaquiddick in that nobody is ever going to let you forget about it ever and you are supposed to define the entire legacy of 8 years of presidential legacy entirely by it.

RUDY GIULIANI: is in support of Bush's tax cuts, is against the death tax, hates the concept of socialized health care, likes building lots of big ol' stadiums, was practically a perky bepigtailed cheerleader for the Iraq war and even said that the president should have the authority to get his own funds for the war without having to ask congress, supported the domestic wiretapping program, is pro gun control, a total drug war hawk, waffles on abortion rights to protect his republican electability, favors voucher education, is a-ok with Darwin, and in case anyone forgot he hates ferrets, those fucking nasty-ass ferrets should all go die in a fucking fire or something. Will never stop talking about 9/11 until the end of time because that was basically the only thing which made his career anything at all.

IRAQ OSAMA i'm sorry I mean BARACK OBAMA: is against school vouchers and basically wants to recreate the 'best parts' of New Deal concepts for the economy, wants 100% socialized health care, wants to keep the death tax and repeal the bush tax cuts, is hawkish on international policy even though nearly nobody knows this because they think that "voted against the Iraq war" = "total pussy," wants the messican fence, is totally in support of abortion rights, is totally pro gun control, and stem cell research. Is black but pulls off having it not matter too much. Has the advantage of being a supernaturally clean candidate who doesn't ever really do anything wrong per se and this gives him the superpower of forcing his political enemies, who are still lazy after Rove handed them the world's easiest phonetic pillories for use on Kerry, to use completely 100% retarded smear attempts that really only just make them sound dumb, like that one time where they were trying desperately to make him out to be a radical madrassa wannabe suicide bomber and they were always forcefully enunciating and emphasizing his middle name, he's barack HUSSEIN obama did we mention his middle name is HUSSEIN? he must be wrong for america!

MITT ROMNEY: is Very No on child abusers, wants to expand the death penalty, is very in favor of the No Child Left Behind Act, wants abstinence-only education to be universalized across the US, is surprisingly pro-environmental health until he is not, thinks that the solidarity of the united states is tied inexorably to how well we maintain the supremacy of the heterosexual nuclear family, likes Don't Ask Don't Tell, is a pretty decent defender of gun rights but won't go as far as the NRA wants him to, was surprisingly involved in the engagement of universalized Massachusetts health care, even if he was very reluctant about many of the benefits, wants to mandate the installation of government decency software in every computer sold in the united states in order to 'combat pornography,' wants the minimum wage to make regular inflation and living-cost matched increases. He tap-dances furiously around his own stance(s) on abortion but what else is new, refuses to commit to being against any new taxes or not against any new taxes, said totally dumbshit things about france this one time, is for 'enhanced interrogation techniques,' and he thinks that anti-terrorism activity should be combated by a supergroup assembled by all modern nations that he wants to call the "Special Partnership Force" and doesn't mind that the name sounds all hand-holdey special field trip for togetherness. Is a member of the "Mormons" which are considered a shadowy evil hegemony of a twisted mockery of Christianity by evangelicals so that'll be a bitch for him in winning the primaries.

JOHN EDWARDS: Some charming-smiled whoosit who is otherwise important in that he will never win a presidential election......ever! For Serious, but he does have nice hair!

RON PAUL: is in favor of free trade, abolishment of welfare, destruction of runaway presidential autonomy, wants to end the war on drugs, is a foe of abortion and the Iraq war and even income tax, supports states' rights For Real and is not Just Saying That like the previous one million candidates, and wants to abolish the Department of Homeland Security, FEMA, the IRS, and the Department of Education. Is known for coming off as thoughtful and determined and intelligent in debates and refuses to capitalize on wedge issues or make vague proclamations and promises that he does not earnestly believe in in order to garner support. As a result polls at about 0.3% when people are asked if they will actually vote for him. Like me!

DENNIS KUCINICH: is approximately two feet tall and could possibly matter in this election if every other candidate is eaten by raptors.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I agree, the thought of voting this next election scares the crap out of me. After all we have been under Mr. Potato Head so long now, just anybody would do at this point, however we need a real leader and I am just not seeing it yet. We all know what happens when we make a mistake and have to live with it....ugh....what to do?

[Chris_NJ 9]

ahhh how the news media shapes feeble minds.

GO RUDY !

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

ahhh how the news media shapes feeble minds.

Ah, Chris do elaborate. I hate blanket statements made with nothing to back it up.

[faithmd 14]

How about the war hero McCain, you forgot about him, too.

Derick, enlighten us about Freddie and MCain, man....

[Chris_NJ 9]

Ah, Chris do elaborate. I hate blanket statements made with nothing to back it up.

No more blanket than your own comments.............

[Joyouslyme 0]

I did a quiz today on who my candidate of choice should be. It turned out to be Bill Richardson. Even though we disagree on immigration. Which is a big issue for me.

Sharee

[DerickM 1]

FRED THOMPSON (aka: McCain Light): Came out of the gate way behind. Had a lot of fanfare that had built up around him, the other contenders have had months to shape the debate and stake out their positions. He isn't saying anything new, pulls out folksy lines like "we need to learn to walk and chew gum at the same time," but when he's pressed for details he's provided little to none for most major policy issues. He polls well though, probably because he's got essentially the same positions as McCain, but without the gaffs and "voter fatigue."

[DerickM 1]

JOHN McCAIN: Is war hero, wants Roe vs. Wade made irrelevant, wants to keep exceptions for rape and incest (but no testing for rape), supports embryonic stem cell research, Supported Balanced Budget Amendment, wants to leave leave same-sex marrige issue up to states, career-long history of supporting Indian causes, Thinks ten commandments would bring virtue to our schools, confederate flag is a “symbol of heritage”, likes to beat flag-burning amendment dead horse, voted to loosen restrictions on cell phone wiretapping, also wants more death penalty; stricter sentencing, thinks Mexico should extradite drug dealers to the US, big supporter of War on Drugs fiasco, creationism should be decided by school districts, wants to leave school vouchers up to states, wants more charter schools, wants to reinvest oil profits in nuclear power, against Kyoto but wants to stregenthen Clean Air & Water Acts, supports alternative fuels, emission controls, & CWA, believes economic & environmental interests not mutually exclusive, wants to make EPA a cabinet level department, label violent media products like we label cigarettes, unfiltered Internet robs our children of their innocence, naive to exclude nukes; naive to exclude attacking Pakistan, wants to overthrow rogue governments to keep Americans safe, supports the One-China Policy, against environmental provisions in trade agreements, Very Pro-NAFTA, pro-GATT, pro-MFN, pro-Fast Track, wants to admit China to WTO, supported then opposed transparency in grassroots reporting, supports term-limits for congress, Anti-Union, prosecute criminals, not citizens for gun ownership, does not want to hold gun manufacturers liable for crimes, opposes restrictions on assault weapons and ammunition types, voted against Brady Bill and assault weapon ban, against universal health care, Very NO on torture (Gee, I wonder why?!), believes radical islam is a "hydra-headed challenge", supports "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", Supports PATRIOT Act, very pro-military, supports amnesty for illegals, wants to change rule barring immigrants from running for president, does not support bilingual education, opposed bush tax cuts but wants to extend them now, will not sign no tax pledge wants to focus on cutting spending, against the alternative minimum tax "is eating Americans alive", McCain Principle: Committing troops means completing mission, prefers not to take troops out of Afghanistan, believes surge is working; let it continue until it succeeds, supports Iraq war, very no on welfare couch potatos, wants to require 40 hour work week from welfare recipients

[faithmd 14]

Thanks!!!!!

[AshevilleEddie 14]

DENNIS KUCINICH: is approximately two feet tall and could possibly matter in this election if every other candidate is eaten by raptors.

OMG! I just about crapped my pants laughing! That is too freakin' funny Derick!!

[anonemouse 1]

OMG! I just about crapped my pants laughing! That is too freakin' funny Derick!!

Ditto. I loved that!

[anonemouse 1]

Some of you might find this interesting. Personally, I'm a little irritated. Of all the people, HIM! I would have prefered John Edwards or Senator Biden.

Anyway:

My brother apparently just married into Fred Thompson's family. His new wife's cousin is Fred Thompson's daughter-in-law.

[smatyas 0]

We should have LBT mock elections. See who, according to our votes, would in the election based on the current list...

[Lucy 0]

Yes, the Kucinich comment was funny, but it really is unfortuante that people see him that way since, out of any of the candidates, he is the one who would actually do anything important while in office. He's the best candidate and the least likely to even get close.