Can't keep up...

[LatinaLite 44]

So I had gastric bypass surgery on 1/23/17, highest weight was 330, surgery weight was 274, and currently at 224. I've lost 50 lbs and 15 inches. I feel great, have tons of energy, and love going to the gym or outdoors with my 3 kids, but my boyfriend, who is over weight as well (around 315lbs.) Just can't seem to keep up with me anymore. He has lost around 30 lbs on his own since last Christmas, which is fantastic, but lately he has been skidding back into old bad habits. He always has an excuse not to go to the gym, he sneaks sweets late at night, won't go out with us, and just generally sits on his butt all day watching YouTube videos...when not at work. We started this weight loss journey together! He didn't want surgery, but me having osteoarthritis at only 34 years old, I needed it. He is approaching 40 this year and even though he doesn't have serious health problems now, I'm afraid that if he doesn't start to change and get active, he will soon. What attracted us to each other was out sense of adventure and loving the outdoors...now Im lucky if I get him to go on the back porch. I'm so frustrated! Any suggestions on what may be the problem or how to get him motivated once again?

[summerset 5,265]

It seems like you're running into a problem many couples seem to run into when one has WLS and the other is still overweight. Or maybe it's just a problem many couples run into when one changes preferences of what to do in their leisure time.

We're together since September 1994 and I can tell you that a lot of things changed during this relationship. It might be frustrating for you but you won't get him to do the things you want him to do.

I'd like to see my husband giving up meat and eat more fruit.

I'd like to learn a foreign language together with my husband.

I'd like to go biking with him.

I'd like to see him doing some exercise because he complains about back pain now and then.

I'm sure he has his own list of thing he wants me to do.

However, I can't force him and I won't be nagging at him. I'm convinced that would do a lot of damage to our relationship. He's a grown up and so am I. I wouldn't want to get the heat from him because of something he wants me to do as well. I'd tell him to go to hell if he started nagging about something I don't want to do.

[LatinaLite 44]

Nagging is something I don't do. His choices are his choices, but I would like to see him beside me while exploring new places, sitting next to me on an amusement park ride, or being able to walk trails on our camping trips. I don't want to see his health decline because he chooses to not get healthier. I miss him. That's the true problem. I am out getting my life back...something we were supposed to do together. I don't want to lose my spouse along with my weight.

[summerset 5,265]

It's good you're not nagging.

You don't have to lose him. You will still be a couple but you might have different hobbies along the way. What things do you still like to do together? (We go to the cinema for example.) Maybe he will catch up later? It's way harder for him than for you because you had surgery and he didn't.

[LatinaLite 44]

He doesn't do anything with me anymore...im not exaggerating either. We try to have date night but it ends up with him ordering so much food and alcohol that he makes his stomach hurt and we have to go home. He won't go to the theater with me, he barely even eats dinner with the family unless I ask him to. He spends all of his free time in his shop. It's the kids and me going places and doing stuff. He chooses to stay home in his shop alone. We don't even watch our tv shows together anymore. As much as I tell him that I miss him...it doesn't change. He seems sad, depressed, but won't tell me why. He gets excited when we talk about our vacation, but as soon as I mention that maybe we should prepare ourselves for the long walking trails at the state parks...he goes silent. So I leave it alone, change the subject, and get him talking about something else. But that only lasts so long before it's time for kids activities, appointments, gym time, etc. And he chooses to stay out of all of it. I feel like I have lost him. I miss his company.

[summerset 5,265]

I think it's very hard to give advice on this and I don't want to cross any lines with assumptions. If this behavior started after you got WLS I'd try to talk with him about if he might be scared now that you're on your way to a more normal weight.

[Berry78 4,261]

He is absolutely showing signs of depression. He has withdrawn and changed. He needs counseling asap. It would be good to find someone that will work with him by himself most of the time and bring you in on occasion to address your point of view.

[Sherrie Scharbrough 311]

Even many years back our function has always been food!! On our Anniversary what did we do...went out to eat Chinese food. When our kids were growing up he missed out on so much because he had to work He was a long haul truck driver so he maybe got home Friday night worked onm his truck Saturday and then left on Sunday to get his load to where it belonged. So that was just how it was. Like I said food food and more food. I havebeen asking him to renew our vows (been married for 43 years) He always said NO!! I thought it was because he didn't want to marry me again. I just found out that it was his weight that was holding him back!! He had Sleeve surgery last June and it took him awhile to figure out his fullness. Now thank goodness we are going to renew our vows. He is ready to do some exercise. He has lost over 100#'s. We are going to join a Health Club in May!!! YAY US!! It has taken him a long time to realize that the food doesn't hold him back like before. But he was raised by his Mom alone due to his DAD driving truck long haul. His mom wasn't the feely touchy person at all. She used food to show her love. Now he doesd the same thing to our grandchildren and our dg. He loves them thru food!! He is the huggy type but still needs the food to show them he loves rhem. He trys to do it for me but luckily I am commited to my journey. I am sorry that you are having a hard time. But...just keep doing you!! He might surprise you and come back around. Change is HARD!!!

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Maybe he is distancing himself because he thinks if you get slim you will leave, this happens more frequently than you would think. You might tell him that you are excited AND scared s***less yourself about all this. And maybe stop asking him to workout. Do you have any couple friends that you do things with? Maybe the other fella could be a catalyst for yours to get back to being social.

[LatinaLite 44]

I have told him how afraid I am about this journey. I try to be as non nagging as possible, but I'm at a loss as to what is bothering him. I know that he has insecurities...that has been present for both of us since we first met. I'm thinking that it has to do with him approaching 40 years old this year, needing a life change of his own but not wanting to admit it, and also with me diving head first I to my health change. I think he is afraid of what the next half of his life will be like. But I can't seem to get him to admit that he is even acting different let alone do something about it. We have one couple we do things with but both of them are over weight as well. The wife has started her weight loss journey but the husband hasnt...same scenario as us, but he is distancing himself from them as well. He won't even do a guys night out with the other husband like he used to. He just says that he's not feeling it.