I'm unsupportive, but I want to be....

[Nichole Edwards 0]

I'm at a total loss. I don't even know if I'm posting this to the right place, but I'm hoping some of you might be able to help. I've been researching non-stop for the last 3 days, I haven't eaten, and I have barely gotten any decent sleep. My fiancé wants to get the gastric sleeve WLS. I'm literally sick with worry about it. I don't do well with change at all and that's the main problem. My fiancé isn't hideously overweight but he is enough to qualify for this surgery. For a long time he pursued it with only rejection. So to be honest I never actually thought we would get the call from the VA saying they'd cover it, but we did. He just had his pre-op appointment where he met with the surgeon, and we are supposed to get a call tomorrow to schedule the surgery and another meeting with the doctor because he wants to see why I'm not on board with this surgery. I love my fiancé and I care about him very much, but No matter how hard I try, I can't get myself to cope with this. I'm scared he will change and I won't like the new him. A lot of this stems from a childhood trauma I had as well. I know once he gets prepped for surgery, rolled back, and even in recovery I will not be able to handle it. I'm going to be a total wreck. I don't want to see him in pain when there's nothing I can do about it. I don't want to see him struggle to keep a cup of Soup down in the weeks to follow. I'm really at my wits end with this. He won't get the surgery if I'm not on board, which isn't fair to him, but at the same time I know I'm far from okay with it. We are literally at a stalemate, if he doesn't get it because I can't handle it then we are both unhappy because he's wanted this so long and I'd hate myself for ruining it for him and I know he'd resent me as well. But if he does get it then I'm afraid I won't be able to even bear to look at him, it'd be too painful to watch him be so vulnerable. I just can't do this. And I feel absolutely awful. If he does end up getting the surgery I'm convinced I won't see him as the happy healthy guy he'll be in a year, but I'll see him as the pained sedated patient lying in return hospital bed.

[Navigating the Wilderness 824]

5 hours ago, Nichole Edwards said:

5 hours ago, Nichole Edwards said:

If he does end up getting the surgery I'm convinced I won't see him as the happy healthy guy he'll be in a year, but I'll see him as the pained sedated patient lying in return hospital bed.

Just curious, do you expect your fiancee to never be in a position where he would have to undergo surgery in his lifetime? Cuz surgery is surgery and if you can't handle it then you are going to be sorely disappointed in your relationship. I know very few people who have made it through life without some form of surgery at some point. And there is absolutely no guarantee he will be happy or healthy in a year. That is all variable based on a bunch of factors.

I don't mean this to be cruel, but I really think you should reassess your relationship if you feel this way. If my reply bothers you, then keep reading the replies below where inevitably there will be posts telling you it will all come up roses without any effort.

[sammy246 235]

I also would assess your relationship and get counseling before any of this happens. I can't imagine not wanting my husband to get healthy and live a longer and more active life. I'm also not trying to be cruel, but this seems like an issue you need to work on for yourself. Not wanting him to vulnerable? I don't understand. I wish you both the best and hope you're able to work out the underlying issues that are causing this reaction. Best of luck!

[sammy246 235]

I hope someone can muster more sympathy than me. I know you're scared. I hope someone who has gone through this will chime in.

[Shrinking_Shamrock 33]

I wonder, have you thought about how vulnerable he is now due to health issues he may be facing? Try to think of the positives that will come of his surgery., he will be able to interact more with you physically, he will have the energy to do things that he can't do now. Think of it more as improving his health improving his life he will have the chance to be there with you and for you longer due to the improvements that this surgery will bring to his health. I don't know what kind of activities the two of you enjoy but he will have more energy if you like bowling he'll be able to throw more balls, he'll have the energy to go for a walk with you. From my point of you not knowing how he looks at himself he will be happier which in turn will make you happier. I understand that you're terrified of how things will change between the two of you but try to not think of it that way. Don't you want him to live a long life and be able to share that with him? This surgery will give him the tools he needs to live that long life. Please don't take offense at this but it really does sound like you're thinking more of yourself than you are of him

anything worth doing is Never easy [emoji3]

[Shrinking_Shamrock 33]

I wonder, have you thought about how vulnerable he is now due to health issues he may be facing? His emotional and mental health are just as important to consider and just because he agreed to not have his surgery if you're not on board, is that what he really wants to do? Is that fair to him, to tell him to not have his surgery just because you aren't comfortable with it for whatever reason. Try to think of the positives that will come of his surgery., he will be able to interact more with you physically, he will have the energy to do things that he can't do now. Think of it more as improving his health improving his life he will have the chance to be there with you and for you longer due to the improvements that this surgery will bring to his health. I don't know what kind of activities the two of you enjoy but he will have more energy if you like bowling he'll be able to throw more balls, he'll have the energy to go for a walk with you. From my point of you not knowing how he looks at himself he will be happier which in turn will make you happier. I understand that you're terrified of how things will change between the two of you but try to not think of it that way. Don't you want him to live a long life and be able to share that with him? This surgery will give him the tools he needs to live that long life. Please don't take offense at this but it really does sound like you're thinking more of yourself than you are of him

anything worth doing is Never easy [emoji3]

anything worth doing is Never easy [emoji3]

[B.Annie 290]

Your title says it all! You want to be supportive, so now you need to be. You have agreed to marry him and when you take your vows, you will not be promising each other to love and care only when convenient or comfortable. Change is inevitable in marriage and you have the amazing opportunity to walk WITH him through this change he feels is necessary. And what's amazing is that he WANTS you there with him as his support system even though you currently are anything but. It shows how much he wants to trust you will want what's best for him too. We all know our own bodies better than anyone. Trust he knows his and doctors won't allow this without reason.
Be a help mate to him. Not an inconvenience, hurdle, or reason to not care for himself. Show him who he needs you to be during marriage. And if you honestly can't do that, you should re-evaluate who you are. Not who he's going to be after.
Good luck, please ask any questions, keep us updated, and I pray things work out the way they need to - whatever that may be.

[B.Annie 290]

PS, my husband is in your shoes. He doesn't want me to do this surgery since he's scared of the potentially bad and doesn't really believe in what he considers "unnecessary" procedures. He explained that to me and we chatted back and forth. He heard my reasons and desires and then swallowed his negativity and said "I trust you and support whatever decision you make. I personally worry about it and don't want you to do this, but if you feel it's best, I'll be here for you."

That was the best way to go about his fears. I know he'd be thrilled if I said no to surgery, but now I trust that he trusts me on this one and will be my support. It's what I need, especially since I will not be telling anyone else about this.

[vamping 183]

I'm going to be blunt because I don't feel like anyone is really adressing what's going on here.

Grow up or walk away. You're selfish and immature.

I think you hit the real issue with the sentence "I'm scared he will change and I won't like the new him. " and then proceeded to cover it up in concerns for him being in pain and struggling. I'm sure you don't want to see him in pain or struggling, but let's call this what it is. What you're really afraid of is that he will change and won't like the same old you. If you can't get over that or work on that ASAP, then you need to get out of this relationship and let him do what he needs to do because this is not about YOU. How dare you hold someone back from the possibility of a healither life because you "can't handle it" and are insecure.
In my opinion, marriage is the last thing you need if you can't cut to the chase and admit that you're not supportive because you want this to be about you.

[inner💜beauty💜 11]

I'm going to be blunt because I don't feel like anyone is really adressing what's going on here.

Grow up or walk away. You're selfish and immature.
I think you hit the real issue with the sentence "I'm scared he will change and I won't like the new him. " and then proceeded to cover it up in concerns for him being in pain and struggling. I'm sure you don't want to see him in pain or struggling, but let's call this what it is. What you're really afraid of is that he will change and won't like the same old you. If you can't get over that or work on that ASAP, then you need to get out of this relationship and let him do what he needs to do because this is not about YOU. How dare you hold someone back from the possibility of a healither life because you "can't handle it" and are insecure.
In my opinion, marriage is the last thing you need if you can't cut to the chase and admit that you're not supportive because you want this to be about you.

This person is way too kind. But exactly right. I'll just leave it there because I'd really like to say more.

[Nichole Edwards 0]

Hey it's me again! I'm a human being, and I know I'm not perfect. I have issues, and who doesn't? For all of you bashing me and calling me selfish, NONE of you even know me, know about my relationship, or how strong it is or isn't. I'm not a selfish person, but I know in this situation I am being selfish. And I do want what's best for my fiancé which is why I have now decided to tell him to get the surgery, before I even read any of the comments. Not that he needs my permission but because I know if I'm not supportive he won't get it because he loves me and also wants me to be happy. And I know I need to do the same for him. What I actually came here looking for is a little bit of support, maybe someone that could sway my fears a bit. Because like I said I love him and I know he deserves this BUT IM ALSO TERRIFIED GOD DA** IT. I want to be strong for him but for goodness sake all I was asking for was a little bit of guidance as to how I can be more on oars with this. Sheesh.

[Navigating the Wilderness 824]

8 minutes ago, Nichole Edwards said:

all I was asking for was a little bit of guidance

Guidance is what we gave you. Sorry if you did not like what you read.

Edited April 7, 2017 by Navigating the Wilderness

[vamping 183]

@Nichole Edwards You came to a message board asking for opinions and that's what you got. I don't know you and consequently, you don't know me either. I can only give my thoughts based on what you've shared. A message board and text words can't possibly encompass all aspects of your relationship. Sometimes the best support comes in the form of honesty; it's not always rainbows and unicorns. I can't do my due dilligence without being honest and pointing out that the main issue is your insecurity. YOU are terrified...and YOU admit you are being selfish in THIS situation. I'm not assuming that's all aspects of your life, but I absolutely own that I am pointing to the aspect you did share.

Your last response, in my opinion, is very telling about your level of honesty with yourself on this issue.

[Polarbearwifey 25]

Think about it like this. This type of surgery will change his life. It will help him get healthier and he will live longer if he stick with it. I understand your point cause you might be scared. In my case, my husband ask me for it (he wants me to live longer than him and be healthy.) He is in a better shape than me but he have high blood pressure. I thought about it for months and I still did it even when I wasn't completely sure about it. I did for him (I'm not saying is the way to do it.)

I will ask you something. Do you like big guys?? I think you are scare of changes and this is a big change. Ask yourself: do I want my fiancee to have diabetes, high blood pressure, erectile disfunction, heart attacks, or worst?? Or do I want him to marry me and live a long life raising our children in the future?? Do I want him to struggle with clothes, walking, get togethers or do I want him to get in the stores and buy the clothes he likes??

Is hard to be supportive when it becomes to surgeries but sometimes we have to make sacrifices even when we don't want to. At the end of the day whatever happens to him it will affect you positively or negatively.

[Polarbearwifey 25]

And hey, I was terrified before the surgery. So I understand you can be too. Let him know how you feel so he can also understand where you coming from. IT IS OK TO BE TERRIFIED!! I'm scared about big changes too.... [emoji6]