Hubby says " you aren't the one that has to be attracted to you" ..., WHAT?

[Blondie 6388 83]

Just a quick reply, My husband has done the same thing to me and keeps tell me I'm to thin and I also an not at goal. I went from a right 16/18 to a size 6/7 junior. I've never been able to wear junior because of my thighs which I no longer have. And you look great.

Sent from my SM-N910V using the BariatricPal App

[tallgirl1 8]

We women are most time supportive to our husbands/ partners regarding WLS but they can never return the favour. Is it because the feel insecure that we are looking better and feeling happier with ourselves?

[tallgirl1 8]

I have never felt happier.

[Dknal2 1,066]

4 hours ago, Blondie 6388 said:

Just a quick reply, My husband has done the same thing to me and keeps tell me I'm to thin and I also an not at goal. I went from a right 16/18 to a size 6/7 junior. I've never been able to wear junior because of my thighs which I no longer have. And you look great.

Sent from my SM-N910V using the BariatricPal App

Thank you. Right now I am in a loose 10 so I'm probably a size 8 ( but I'm tired of buying clothes that end up too big so I'm not buying anything else for a while ). I haven't been this small in years, well over 16-17 years.im still 20 lbs out from goal and surgery was 4months ago.

My husband is insecure about my new look I feel. He refuses to say anything about my weight except asking me if I regret it... no I don't regret having surgery one bit. I'm not as curvaceous as I once was but I'm ok with that. I feel really good and I look good in my clothes. I'm still working on my body because all together ( pre op and post op) I have lost 72 lbs. I can see a lil loose skin on my inner thighs but not too bad so I'm still a work in progress.

[Dknal2 1,066]

35 minutes ago, tallgirl1 said:

We women are most time supportive to our husbands/ partners regarding WLS but they can never return the favour. Is it because the feel insecure that we are looking better and feeling happier with ourselves?

We always give 100% of ourselves to our husbands and kids and life in general. Many times neglecting ourselves and our health. I feel good and I too am very happy with my results. My husband is insecure I feel but there are other issues at hand as well . But I will be okay, I'm confident of that.

[LaLa Ladybug 57]

Well BP FAM , I'm back again with a rant. My husband and I were talking last night and he made comments in how he wished I never had this surgery. He stated that my butt has gone almost away and he felt all unneeded to do was tone up and lose my belly initially. Well, first of all, I don't know how you tone up 242 lbs with BMI 0f 39( which was my initial weight and BMI). So.... he proceeded to run his mouth about all the things I can't do like drink gallons of sweet tea, eat cake and Cookies, go to restaurants and eat appetizer , entree and dessert.. You know all of the healthy stuff that led me to be 242 lbs in the first place. Well, I was really hurt by his comments. My rebuttal was how much healthier I am , I am a lose size 10 as opposed to a tight size 16, I am no longer out of breath with walking 20 feet and I am able to exercise. I like how my body has changed and I told him I love my size. Well, he said "you don't have to be attracted to you, I do and you only needed to lose a little belly but now your butt has gone down tremendously " well needless to say I was pushed to my breaking point. I was like if you don't like what you see, go and find you a thick chic with a donkey's ass. I'm not even at goal yet so I'm gonna lose more and just ticked that he would say that to me which made me feel a lil insecure about my looks. Then I snapped out of it. I have posted pics on my other forums but I will put my last one here as well. Not tooting my own horn but I worked hard for these results . I had surgery in Dec 2016. I am just like dang I can't win for losing .i really thought I was doing good . My pics show one week after surgery on left, middle is 1 1/2 months post op and last pic on right was about 2 weeks ago.

You're doing awesome! All I can think of is that he has some unresolved personal issues that he's deflecting back on you. That is not right. Whether we're bigger or smaller, our spouses should be attracted to who we are in the inside. My husband & I were standing up for our friends at their wedding last year, the minister told everyone a story about a couple where one person wanted to lose weight for the other to be more attractive for to them. She lost the weight. Then regained & felt like she let him down. The spouse told them they fell in love with who the are, not their shell.

There are likely a lot of things your husband needs to work out in his head. I've not read the rest of the threads yet to see if he pulled his head out of his who-who, but I sure hope he did or does soon!

[mardun1 3]

He's crazy. You look amazing.

[Dknal2 1,066]

9 hours ago, LaLa Ladybug said:

You're doing awesome! All I can think of is that he has some unresolved personal issues that he's deflecting back on you. That is not right. Whether we're bigger or smaller, our spouses should be attracted to who we are in the inside. My husband & I were standing up for our friends at their wedding last year, the minister told everyone a story about a couple where one person wanted to lose weight for the other to be more attractive for to them. She lost the weight. Then regained & felt like she let him down. The spouse told them they fell in love with who the are, not their shell.

There are likely a lot of things your husband needs to work out in his head. I've not read the rest of the threads yet to see if he pulled his head out of his who-who, but I sure hope he did or does soon!

Thank you for the support. I hope things can get better but I'm trying to focus on me n prepping myself for the worse if it happens. I deserve happiness and that's what I'm seeking. Either you with me or if you aren't then please go away

[Dknal2 1,066]

5 hours ago, mardun1 said:

He's crazy. You look amazing.

Thank you.. I'm trying.

[HB76356 122]

We women are most time supportive to our husbands/ partners regarding WLS but they can never return the favour. Is it because the feel insecure that we are looking better and feeling happier with ourselves?

Not so sure about that. One of my exes did everything possible to sabotage my progress. From going crazy jealous to deliberately buying bad food to throw me off my plan. Last straw was a deep fryer I got for Xmas.

[Steph15 2]

It can be very difficult for both spouses. When I originally had surgery my husband dieted along w me. It was fun & challenging to have someone help me. Also made the 1st year w drastic food changes easier. He and I both lost over 100 lbs, he has since fallen off the wagon & has regained some. And is very concerned that now I am a "sexy scrawny britches" that I will leave him for someone else. He tells me all the time how amazing I am & how he has loved watching me get happier the healthier I have gotten. I also get the occasional negative comments, he also misses my full curves. But I can recognize that everything negative comes from his insecurities. I do my best to reassure him, but I still have to keep myself at the core of my best interests. Remember you did this for you. I too hated the feeling of getting winded walking & not being able to maneuver around comfortably. But also try to play devils advocate and remember your life isn't the only one impacted by your lifestyle change. My husband feels slighted if we dont do dinner/movie date nights. I have learned to pick the best option when we eat out & obviously bring leftovers home. An iced tea at the movie theater is generally perfect timing after dinner. A little popcorn doesnt hurt me either. Its just a way for us to compromise & maintain our life & relationship. He needs to know I am not going anywhere & he is still my person. And even after a dramatic change in my looks, I am still the person he married & he is still my best friend. Might not apply in your relationship, as I dont know you two personally. But I am 2 yrs post op, flirting with 10 lb adjustments trying to dial in my perfect weight & every day is still a chance for me to succeed or shoot myself in the foot. Lol, in my relationship with myself, my husband & my food. I hope you are able to work thru everything. Keep focused on why you did this for yourself in the first place, you will get to your goals!

[Dknal2 1,066]

9 minutes ago, Steph15 said:

It can be very difficult for both spouses. When I originally had surgery my husband dieted along w me. It was fun & challenging to have someone help me. Also made the 1st year w drastic food changes easier. He and I both lost over 100 lbs, he has since fallen off the wagon & has regained some. And is very concerned that now I am a "sexy scrawny britches" that I will leave him for someone else. He tells me all the time how amazing I am & how he has loved watching me get happier the healthier I have gotten. I also get the occasional negative comments, he also misses my full curves. But I can recognize that everything negative comes from his insecurities. I do my best to reassure him, but I still have to keep myself at the core of my best interests. Remember you did this for you. I too hated the feeling of getting winded walking & not being able to maneuver around comfortably. But also try to play devils advocate and remember your life isn't the only one impacted by your lifestyle change. My husband feels slighted if we dont do dinner/movie date nights. I have learned to pick the best option when we eat out & obviously bring leftovers home. An iced tea at the movie theater is generally perfect timing after dinner. A little popcorn doesnt hurt me either. Its just a way for us to compromise & maintain our life & relationship. He needs to know I am not going anywhere & he is still my person. And even after a dramatic change in my looks, I am still the person he married & he is still my best friend. Might not apply in your relationship, as I dont know you two personally. But I am 2 yrs post op, flirting with 10 lb adjustments trying to dial in my perfect weight & every day is still a chance for me to succeed or shoot myself in the foot. Lol, in my relationship with myself, my husband & my food. I hope you are able to work thru everything. Keep focused on why you did this for yourself in the first place, you will get to your goals!

Thank you so much... that was very sincere and I appreciate the advice. 😊

[Steph15 2]

Thank you so much... that was very sincere and I appreciate the advice. [emoji4]

Anytime!

[MBird 298]

Dknal2,

First, you look amazing.

About husband, I'll try to be kind but honestly, when I read that it's his insecurity and he is "afraid" I tend to get all sorts of angry.

The way I see it, you've worked hard to add years to your life, to improve the quality of your life, to feel good about yourself. A good man wants his woman happy. He also wants her to stick around. A good husband and partner encourages their mate to be at their best because they know if their partner is healthy and happy, it works to the benefit of the relationship as a whole.

Rude comments about your physique are abusive, and in my book a deal breaker.

That he went on Facebook to talk to someone about you and his feelings, before doing counseling to talk to someone about his feelings so that the relationship is stronger, tells me he is not loyal and not someone who copes in a healthy or honest way.

He has control issues but is also emotionally abusive, especially, because when someone plays the kind of games he does, by complementing your hair and make-up while putting down your body, they are purposely trying to set you up for failure, not being supportive, not caring about your feelings. Playing games and being emotionally underhanded. He is devaluing you and trying to make you feel bad about something that makes you happy.

If he isn't attracted to you, that's ok. You can go your own way and find someone who is and he can find his ass a donkey butt.

You worked hard and look amazing and you need people around you that support your new, healthy and motivated lifestyle, and who will encourage your motivation. Not squelch it.

It doesn't matter about most marriages suffer etc., it matters how yours is doing and how you feel. Reading your replies, you are so deeply unhappy and sad, and I don't blame you, I'd be devastated. And. I've been there. You'd be better off single, working your new life and health, and getting over a controlling spouse than to take anymore of that crap.

Just my own opinion. I hope I don't offend you but it makes me so angry when partners do this to their spouse, abuse is abuse. He needs to love your heart and mind. Support you, period.

I've been with guys who try to slow me down, and in my mind, and experience, it never got better. I had to go.

[Dknal2 1,066]

2 hours ago, MBird said:

Dknal2,

First, you look amazing.

About husband, I'll try to be kind but honestly, when I read that it's his insecurity and he is "afraid" I tend to get all sorts of angry.

The way I see it, you've worked hard to add years to your life, to improve the quality of your life, to feel good about yourself. A good man wants his woman happy. He also wants her to stick around. A good husband and partner encourages their mate to be at their best because they know if their partner is healthy and happy, it works to the benefit of the relationship as a whole.

Rude comments about your physique are abusive, and in my book a deal breaker.

That he went on Facebook to talk to someone about you and his feelings, before doing counseling to talk to someone about his feelings so that the relationship is stronger, tells me he is not loyal and not someone who copes in a healthy or honest way.

He has control issues but is also emotionally abusive, especially, because when someone plays the kind of games he does, by complementing your hair and make-up while putting down your body, they are purposely trying to set you up for failure, not being supportive, not caring about your feelings. Playing games and being emotionally underhanded. He is devaluing you and trying to make you feel bad about something that makes you happy.

If he isn't attracted to you, that's ok. You can go your own way and find someone who is and he can find his ass a donkey butt.

You worked hard and look amazing and you need people around you that support your new, healthy and motivated lifestyle, and who will encourage your motivation. Not squelch it.

It doesn't matter about most marriages suffer etc., it matters how yours is doing and how you feel. Reading your replies, you are so deeply unhappy and sad, and I don't blame you, I'd be devastated. And. I've been there. You'd be better off single, working your new life and health, and getting over a controlling spouse than to take anymore of that crap.

Just my own opinion. I hope I don't offend you but it makes me so angry when partners do this to their spouse, abuse is abuse. He needs to love your heart and mind. Support you, period.

I've been with guys who try to slow me down, and in my mind, and experience, it never got better. I had to go.

OMG, you hit the nail on the head with so many valid points. I truly do thank you for your honesty. I am working on getting my head straight and feeling good about me. I feel sometimes ashamed of this new body because of comments made but I quickly snap out of it. I was beautiful at 242 and still beautiful at 168. It's hurtful to go through some of the stuff that I have been through and feel alone in a marriage. That's not how it should be. I am praying for strength for things to come because it's gonna get ugly. I just wanna live a happy life with a mate who is totally in love with me and treats me well. I deserve that much I think.

Thanks for your comments. I truly appreciate it. Very encouraging and motivating to read.