Joke Thread

[Jammin & Losin 1]

betty those are all so great! thanks for sharing!

[blossom 2]

I got this off a building forum that I frequent, but I thought it was funny and would apply to most any forum....

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs.

27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and to start it all over again. :cool:

[New Hope 37]

That's great, Blossom!

[vinesqueen 2]

Modern version of Birds & Bees

Bobby SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male

[kimalicious 5]

"chunkydunk" BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA

[Iluvharleys 15]

The Man of the House

> >

> > The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house."

> > He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

> > Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to

> > know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"

> > I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm

> finished

>

> > eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after

> > dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm

> > finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my

> hair?

> > His wife replied, "The *!#* funeral director."

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[TrishS 3]

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly

whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo

Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I

freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I

haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9 . Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the

truth, you're just jealous.

[NancySmiles 2]

My friend went to the doctor because she was suffering with a really bad attitude. He diagnosed it as Rectal Myopia - "Shi**y outlook on life"

[Iluvharleys 15]

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[NancySmiles 2]

OMG!!! I've heard this one before but it ALWAYS makes me laugh!!! Thanks Betty!!!

This one has no dirty words but the meaning is.....well....you'll see.....!!

What's the difference between LIKE & LOVE ???

...............SPIT & SWALLOW !!!

:-P

Do you like ??? or do you lllllloooooovvvvvvvvve???

[HarleyNana 10]

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head

sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done

any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or

something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He

returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his

hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the

duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and

shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments

later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also

sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and

produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she

cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....it all adds up."

[Iluvharleys 15]

Here's one just for you guys! :clap: :clap:

http://tinyurl.com/4yx2z

[New Hope 37]

Betty, that's priceless! Thanks for sharing.

[donali 57]

Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1

bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =

knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles

16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University

Hospital = 1 I.V. League

[Iluvharleys 15]

Could this be true?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about

those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to

those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about

achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and

Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the

BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top