Joke Thread

[DeLarla 22]

Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Pleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in a sleeveless shirt, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks? "

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is Water.

Mid-life means that your Body by Jake now includes Legs by Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "Big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, the hip area expands and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.

Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

[DeLarla 22]

Hey everyone, I would kill anyone that hurt a cat, but read the whole thing before you think it's mean (the author cracks me up.)

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet Shampoo to the

Water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids..

4. The cat will self agitate. You may need to stand on the lid. Never mind

the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a "power-wash" and

rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no

people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and

run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[lapbander081004 7]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped

him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly

hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large

plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still

shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize

a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my

first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25

years."

[j_war06 0]

I heard this three person joke on the radio the other day so here it goes

A husband and a wife are cleaning out their garage when the lady picked up an old lamp and wiped it off. All of a sudden out from no where a man appeared who said I am a powerful, wise, all knowing genie and you have 2 wishes to make. The husband immediately realizes that he is getting jipped, and asks why everyone else gets 3 wishes, and they only get 2. The genie responds, "well I have been cramped up in that old lamp for 3 or 400 years, and I decided I deserve something every now and then." So the husband agreed, and wished to be the greatest golfer in the world. The genie snapped his fingers and said, "it is done, you are the greatest golfer in the world." All of a sudden the wife snaps at her husband, "you idiot, we could have had anything you wished to be a golfer?" The husband responded with, "Well do you have anything better?" She said, "yes, genie I want to be rich and beautiful for the rest of my life." The genie snapped his fingers and said it is done. The husband immediatly congradulated his wife on her quick wit and thinking, and started feeling guilty about his own wish. Then the genie said, "okay now it's my turn, I wish I could have sex with your wife." The husband, ofcourse, opposed this and began to freak out. The genie said to him "man, I have provided you with whatever you want, but I have been in that old lamp for hundreds of years, I haven't seen a woman in over 500 years, just one night man." The wife was flattered and automatically began to pressure her husband saying "honey look what he has done for us, and how rare is this, atleast let him have something that he would want." The husband finally agreed the the two having sex, and as the walked out of the garage and up into the bedroom the genie whispered in the wife's ear, "when do you think he will quit falling for this genie thing?"

[Penni60 45]

Got these from a girlfriend of mine. I died laughing at them. SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton

balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this,

yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,

and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling

papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and

see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by

the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

[lapbander081004 7]

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call[font=Comic Sans MS] UP[/font] our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP[font=Comic Sans MS] is confusing:[/font]

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.</SPAN> We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. I t will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? -------[font=Comic Sans MS]

[/font]U P

[DevilMayKare 1]

Just got this from a friend and had to share as I know you'll all relate!

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 180 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.

[DeLarla 22]

I swear, I really tried not to laugh at this but that's funny, I don't care who ya are! Larry the Cableman, 2005:

Acceptable use of the "F" word:

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has

been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean,

we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877 !

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot

could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$%

did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT

on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,

my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and a drum roll please............!

1. "Geez, I didn't think

they'd get this

@%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[DeLarla 22]

Okay people, this one's either really super offensive and lame, or it's really funny. I can't decide. Check out this link and tell me what you think.

http://www.illwillpress.com/fatkins.html

[Zoe 6]

I couldn't understand all of it, but I was giggling at the bits I could figure out: "If you're a fat bastard, just be a fat bastard."

[shinkodude 0]

WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?

The nun teaching Sunday school asks: "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raises her hand and says: "I think it's your hands!"

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replies: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: "Sister, I think it's your legs!"

The nun looks at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Roy said: "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted !!!

[Oh 2 Be Free 0]

Here's one I love..

An American man is researching a small villiage in Africa. One day a woman of the tribe gives birth to a white baby. The Villiage Leader is very angry with the Researcher. "You have had love with my wife, this baby is white like you!"

The American says "No,no, you are mistaken. The baby is an Albino, it happens sometimes in nature." He points over to a nearby field. "You see those sheep? They are all are white except for the one black one..."

"Whoa WHOA!!" Says the Villiage Leader, holding up his hands. "Look, I won't say anything about the baby, You don't say anything about the sheep!!"

[Mita 2]

A woman went to a k-mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants

a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought

it on

special". Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts

screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a

growing

crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She

explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give

her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!" And doing so

draws and even bigger crowd!

&nb! sp; In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying

that?

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN

I AM BEING SCREWED!! The crowd broke into applause and her money was

quickly refunded.

[DeLarla 22]

Every night Frank would buy a 6 pack and drink it while he watched TV.

One night after his last beer the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and

found a 6-ft. cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar

and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night after his 4th beer the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the

door and found the same 6 ft. cockroach. The big bug punched him in the

stomach and left.

The next night after his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same 6 ft.

cockroach kneed him in the groin and left.

The 4th night Frank didn't drink at all. the doorbell rang. The cockroach

was standing there. The bug beat Frank and left him in a heap on the floor.

The following day Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of

the last four nights. What can I do? he pleaded.

Not much, the Dr. answered. There's just a nasty bug going around!

[MerryHearted 20]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate Syrup.< /strong>

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little eldery woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"