Joke Thread

[guitarman 0]

wow talk about killin a thread....... I feel so ashamed. I promise I have better jokes than those.

[donali 57]

lol - Greg meant, "I'm a frayed knot..." lol

That was always a favorite of my Dad's... It was good to see it again... heheh

[Mita 2]

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray,

because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially

when working under your vehicle.

>From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview

couple who drove their car to Wal Mart only to have their car break down in

the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while

he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On

closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the

chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned

private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to

stand

the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand

UP

his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring

at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had

to

have three stitches in his forehead.

[Mita 2]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he

settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman

boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading

straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took

the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out

"Business trip, or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said,

"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of

America Convention, in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he

had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a

meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his

composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role

at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where

I use information that I have learned from my own personal

experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about

sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-

American men are the most well-endowed of all men,

when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most

likely to possess that trait".

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best

lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that

are the best".

"I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best

stamina is the Southern Redneck..."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and

blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be

discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me

Bubba."

[BlondieB 0]

This is purported to be an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

(State's letter)

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative

Land and Water Management Division

This is the actual response sent back:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers.... or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through The Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and environmental Protection Act, Act451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

[Mariposa Bella 3]

Oh Brandi, I loved this one. Just loved it...

[Mita 2]

That was hilarious. Got all the Girls laughing out loud here. Good way to start a Monday:)

Thanks Brandi

[Mita 2]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare

condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and

the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the

pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to

live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the

hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,

but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he

walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different

person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's

clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business

60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about

a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the

business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.>

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How

about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18

years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine

and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Mariposa Bella 3]

I really like this one, I'll have to print it out for hubby

[littlebigfarms 0]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation"

[littlebigfarms 0]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least,rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Zoe 6]

Great jokes, ladies! Thanks.

[Mita 2]

Those 2 were funny..

[Mita 2]

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

>When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions

>with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

>

>The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The

>other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw

>print

>in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming

>your

>food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

>

>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.

>Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help

>because

>I fall faster than you can run.

>

>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry

>about this. Do ! not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure

>your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually

>curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each

>other

>stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking

>tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to

>maximize

>space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

>

>My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

>

>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If

>by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is

>not

>necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw

>under

>the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door

>I

>entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine or

>feline attendance is not mandatory.)

>>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats'

>butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for

>you.

>

>

>To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

>Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

>

>1. They live here; you don't.

>

>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

>

>3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

>

>4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or

>daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and is speech

>challenged.

>

>Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for

>money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never

>drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or

>smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your

>clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get

>pregnant, you can sell the results.

__________________________________________________

[Iluvharleys 15]

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................

OH, come on...take a guess! .

Think about it .

And the moral is .......You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!