Joke Thread

[paula 4]

Hey Megan, here's one for revenge...

A Kentucky farmer's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up farmer was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you think is right.

[Mita 2]

I like that Paula sure revenge:)

[tambonzjo 7]

OK..after reading all of those, I have to add one...

An elderly man and woman went to the doctors office and told the doctor that they want to have a baby. The confused doctor says, "Well, the first thing I will need is a sperm sample. Take this jar home and I will see you next week with the 'sample'."

A week passes and the little old couple come storming thru the doctor's office and march right up to the doctor and slam the empty container on the counter.

"What happened? Couldn't you get a sample?" the doctor asked.

'Let me tell you something sonny." the woman explained, " I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, He tried with his right hand, and then he tried with his left hand. I tried with my teeth in and with my teeth out, and we still could not get the lid off this bottle!"

That one always makes me giggle!!

[BeachBabe(soon) 0]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,

>using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of

>lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and

>flavor.

>

>The children began:

>

> "Red............cherry,"

> "Yellow.........lemon,"

> "Green..........lime,"

> "Orange........orange."

>

>Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver.

>

>After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the

>taste.

>

>

>

>"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may

>sometimes call your father."

>

>One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

>

>"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes

>

[Mita 2]

Feeling Stressed Out?

Picture yourself near a stream.

The Water is so clear that you can see the bottom.

The sweet aroma of beautiful flowers is surrounding you.

Birds are softly chirping in the warm spring air.

Just close your eyes and think of the solitude.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one else knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion

from that place called "the world."

Now Take A Look!

You can easily make out the face of the one

whose head you're holding under the water.

It's the person who caused you

all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise.

You let him up ... just for a quick breath,

Then plop!

Back under he goes! ...

You allow him as many deep breaths as you want.

There now ... feeling better?

[Mita 2]

Subject: Fw: Anger Management:

> Anger Management: When I have the occasional bad day and need to

>take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...

> I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a

>phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A

>man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I

>please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on

>me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's

>correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of

>her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong'

>number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an

>asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole'

>next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I

>was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're

>an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area,

>I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'

calling

>would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John

>Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're

>interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the

>phone down. I quickly called him back

and

>said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store,

>getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me

>off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently

>waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the

spot.

>The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I

>wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the

>first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better

>call the BMW asshole, too.

I

>said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."

>"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th

>Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

> "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he

said.

> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home

>every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you

>something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole." Then I

>hung up, and added his number

to

>my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two

>assholes to call. But

after

>several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

>So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an

>asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he

>asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop

calling

>me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he

>asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you

>live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house,

>with

my

>black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right

>now, Don. And you had better

start

>saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,

>asshole." Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

> "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out

>who you are!" "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your

>ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your

>chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately

>called the police, saying that I lived at1802 West 34th Street, and that I

>was on my way over there to kill my

gay

>lover. Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on

>West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to

>34th street. There

I

>saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad

>cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better.

>This anger management stuff really works! See Ya!

[paula 4]

Mary,

the one about being stressed out... I LOVED IT!!!!!! LOL. oh yes!!!! You got a laugh out of me!

[TrishS 3]

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to

fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she

is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies

are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong

about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor,

"What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[paula 4]

A college class was instructed to write a short story in as few words as possible.

They were told that the story must contain the following three components:

(1) Religion

(2) Sexuality

(3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. This is the A+ story:

My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

[Mita 2]

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

> >

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

> >

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful

Dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

> >

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and

deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

> >

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

> >

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

> >

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen

refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

> >

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to

purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

> >

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

> >

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home,......... including the curtain rods.

> >

> >

> >

> >I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Mita 2]

Dear Tide,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!

I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people

[Zoe 6]

Thanks for the laughs, Mary!

[Mita 2]

THE LETTER:

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older

it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of

housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,

try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's

nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.

My name is, Gary... Let me relate how I handled the situation

with my wife, Jane.

When I stopped my consulting work and went into retirement, it became necessary for Jane to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the

table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's

not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider

telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf

all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the laundry room. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip to the laundry room. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting,

or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or

Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until

the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy

stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened

during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills

during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take

her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Jane. I'm

not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less

criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Gary

EDITOR'S NOTE: Gary was found dead suddenly Thursday, February 11th. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing.

[guitarman 0]

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey get out of here! We don't serve food here!"

A battery walks into the same bar and the bartender says, "I'll serve ya but don't start anything."

Groans please :-)

[lapbander081004 7]

Three pieces of rope are walking down the street and as they pass the local bar they decide they needed a beer. AS they were about to walk in there was a sign on the door that said. "We don't serve ropes here"

One piece of rope said "this isn't right. I'm going in there to tell him what I think." as he entered the bar the bartender said hey aren't you a rope and the rope said yes and I demand a beer. Two seconds later the rope comes flying out of the bar and lands on the sidewalk next to his two other rope friends. The seocnd piece of rope got really mad and goes storming into the bar and a few secnds later he comes flying out.

The third piece of rope says. You got it all wrong guys I'll show you how to get that drink. He then bends himself into a pretzel style and gets out a comb and fluffs the ends of his rope. Walks into the bar and jumps up on bar stool and the bartender says.. "Hey aren't you a piece of rope????" and the rope say...

Nope I'm a FRAID KNOW