Joke Thread

[Iluvharleys 15]

This isn't a joke either, but being kids sayings I thought it was worth sharing.

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.

IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!

IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BE RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED.

INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

>1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

>2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

>

>3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

>

>4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

>

>5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

>

>6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

>

>7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED bread WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

>

>8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

>

>9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

>

>10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

>

>11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

>

>12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

>

>13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

>

>14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

>

>15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

>

>16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

>

>17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

>

>18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED Water ON HIS HEAD.

>

>19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

>

>20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

>

>21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

>

>22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

>

>23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

>

>24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

>

>25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

[blossom 2]

Mental Health Issues to Ponder...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we

know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"

when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are

four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by

lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but

ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you

use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator

with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen

times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down,

pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give

the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end

you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light

fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our

ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so,

why do we say, "It's all right?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch

something that's falling off the table you always

manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as

it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try

doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then

don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every

four persons is suffering from some sort of mental

illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're

okay, then it's you.

[HarleyNana 10]

Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down......... by David

Letterman

>

> 10. The cucumber has left the salad.< /p>

>

> 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

>

> 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

>

> 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

>

> 6. Elvis is leaving the building.

>

> 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

>

> 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

>

> 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.

>

> 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with

Venus.

>

> And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

>

> 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts

>

[DeLarla 22]

Donali, unfortunately, the instructions might sound lame to you, but my sister has scars from a really bad Iron burn on her belly. Yep, she figured she'd save time by ironing the shirt while she was wearing it. She was in her 30s. No lie. People really do need to know that they shouldn't blow dry their hair while sleeping.< /p>

[donali 57]

I've ironed clothes while I was wearing them too - I guess I just used a lower setting than your sister...

I have never knowingly blow-dried my hair in my sleep, however. I can see how that would be very dangerous...

[HarleyNana 10]

Valentines Thoughts

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme

with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty,

and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot.

This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that bag from off your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love , you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Iluvharleys 15]

The Honest Woman

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> The Lost Thimble

>>

>>One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a

>>river,

>>her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord

>>appeared

>>and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress

>>replied

>>that her thimble had fallen into the Water and that she needed it

>>to help her

>>husband in making a living for their family.

>>

>>The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden

>>thimble ringed with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

>>The seamstress replied, "No."

>>The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble

>>ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

>>

>>Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

>>The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is

>>this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

>>The seamstress replied, "Yes."

>>

>>The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all

>>three

>>thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

>>Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along

>>the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared

>>under

>>the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked

>>her,

>>"Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the

>>river!"

>>

>>The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

>>"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

>>"Yes," cried the seamstress.

>>

>>The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

>>The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a

>>misunderstanding.

>>

>>You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up

>>with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up

>>with

>>my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all

>>three.

>>Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take

>>care of

>>all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

>>

>>The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good

>>and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

>>

>> >>>>>>>>>>> That's our story, and we're sticking to it!!!!!

>

[vinesqueen 2]

What’s in a name

See if you can come up with any:

• If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono
  
• If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali
  
• If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho
  
• If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader
  
• Of Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’ be Oprah Chopra
  
• If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg
  
• If Olivia Newton-John marred Wayne Newton, then divorced him to married Elton John,, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John
  
• If Sondra Locke married Elliot Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’ become Sondra Locke Ness Munster
  
• If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’ be Bea Sting
  
• In Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers she’s be Lim Ito Beaver
  
• If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winney the Pooh, he’s be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh
  
• If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’s be G. Ghali G.
  
• If Jack married Andy Cappy, then Jack Parr, then moved onto Stephen King, he’s be Jack Handy Capp Paar King
  
• If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur
  
• If Ivana Trunp married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis Bey Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Weiner (mathematician,) she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Meyer Weiner.
  

[NancySmiles 2]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at

their church. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

Her friend leaned over and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times."

[TrishS 3]

*********Warning: Adult Content**************

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to

notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't

be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts

depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's

breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to

forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many

kind of weenies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, a

man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's

weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and

forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his

fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

[paula 4]

Women Over 50 (Im just in mid 30's, but I can see how this it true)

By Andy Rooney

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a

few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.

A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. "Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig,

just to get a little sausage!

[NancySmiles 2]

What is a W.I.F.E ?

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?" She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fool around, Etc."

[Zoe 6]

I haven't checked out this thread for a while, and I'm LMAO from this page alone. I just got a message from a friend in Northern Ireland and thought LBT-ers would appreciate it:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay annd corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the Water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa Beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

[DeLarla 22]

WARNING - MAY BE OFFENSIVE!!!

DO NOT scroll down if you are easily offended. I didn't write it, but I laughed purdy derned hard at it!

DIVORCE LETTER

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me eerything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love,

[TrishS 3]

LMAO.... thats a good one.. gives the thought of CAN YOU READ BETWEEN LINES LOL