Joke Thread

[paula 4]

Betty, I laughed *TRULY laughed* at the beech/birch one!!!!

I hope this one hasnt been told yet...

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young college girls skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch young

ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Never forget, old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.

[HarleyNana 10]

Three elderly sisters were living together, one was 96, 94, and the youngest 92.

The eldest decided to take a bath, she was stepping into the tub and suddenly yelled to her younger sisters down stairs, was I getting in the tub or getting out.

The 94 year old sister said, oh my goodness, I'll come up and take a look at you and let you know. She started up the stairs and got part of the way up and yelled out, "was I headed up stairs or was I on my way down the stairs"?

The youngest sister, 92 was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea, she said to herself, I feel so sorry for them, thank heaven I'm not that forgetfull, knock on wood, as she tapped the table. She yelled back at them I'll be up to check on both of you in just a minute, right after I see who'se at the door.

[DeLarla 22]

You guys are coming up with some good stuff! Birch, Beech, Ash... too cute! And I love the conversion table, very clever indeed. Let's see if I remember this:

A duck walks into a market and yells to the clerk, "hey, you got any grapes?" The clerk says, "nope, no grapes today."

Five minutes later, the same duck goes back to the market and asks the same clerk, "hey, you got any grapes?" Taking a deep breath to cleanse his irritation, the clerk says, "no, I am sorry, but we do not have any grapes today."

After only a few minutes, the same duck went back and asked the same clerk, "hey, you got any grapes?" With that, the clerk yelled at the duck, "I already told you we don't got no grapes, now if you ask me again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"

A little while passed, then the same duck went back to the same clerk and asked, "hey, you got any nails?" The shopkeeper answered back at the duck, "no, we don't carry nails." The duck said, "oh, then do you got any grapes?"

[donali 57]

I dunno... Should I have posted this on the food thread??? lol

[paula 4]

Donali, is that your SO... ???? (hehehe)

[DeLarla 22]

Maybe you have to be a writer to appreciate these, but carrots are shooting out of my nose!

These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. They are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides

gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable Soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,

this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[bandit 2]

LOL ohh my god that was funny DeLarla. I was laughing so hard i had every one in the office run in here to see what was so funny. I used to want to teach highschool english and that thread made me remember why.

[DeLarla 22]

Like, whatever. HAHAH, I'm still laughing too!

[donali 57]

This is supposedly from a high school equivalency program in University Park in Dallas.

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca and Gary

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

****************************

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air- headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.

"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.

Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.

"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

The end..........

TEACHER'S NOTE: A+ - I really liked this one.

[donali 57]

15 Ways to Confuse Your Rommmate

1. Sit up. Say, "time to make the donuts." Leave. Do this often.

2. Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.

3. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.

4. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.

5. Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.

6. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.

7. Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her

8. Constantly drink from an empty glass.

9. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.

10. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.

11. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.

12. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

13. Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.

14. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures. Complain that they were staring at you.

15. Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it's time to go to bed now."

[donali 57]

Actual Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese Shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE Breakfast Cereal?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE sleeping.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer bread pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT Iron CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

[donali 57]

No idea how factual these really are, but they're interesting nonetheless...

****************

Fast Facts

01.) The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

02.) Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

03.) Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

04.) The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

05.) American car horns beep in the tone of F.

06.) No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

07.) Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

08.) 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

09.) You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

10.) Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

11.) The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12.) The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache

13.) A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

14.) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

15.) Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16.) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

17.) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

18.) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

19.) The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20.) Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21.) The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22.) Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23.) Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

24.) Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25.) Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. (Her doctor was a Jew!)

26.) Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27.) All U.S. Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

28.) Walt Disney was afraid of mice. 29.) The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly

[Vera 7]

Donali I don't why but..

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. 

busted me up"

I'm always cleaning

Help me

[kellymoos 4]

This is not a joke, just something I thought was good to pass on.

"Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guestroom. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,"Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied."

The first couple had a hole in the wall and behind it was lots of gold. I fixed it so they would never find it. The Angel of Death came to the second couple that night for the wife, instead I gave him the cow.

Things aren't always what they seem!!!! Just sometimes:-)

[paula 4]

Kelly - that is one of my most favorites!

What a classic... havent read it in years!

Thanks for bring it back!!!