Joke Thread

[Mita 2]

Kinda XX rated proceed with care

hair Removal

You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story.

I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out loud!!

This is allegedly a true story, and if it's not it should be.

As Beth told the story...

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal -

the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and

now . . The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night.

I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean

bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe

I can figure out how this works.

You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out.

It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.

I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing).

I go one better:

I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.

Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh.

I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad.

I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin

extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip, I move north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one

with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The

Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my front and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek.

(Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself.

RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain!

Vision returning.

Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.

Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?

Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again.

I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it?

Why is the wax mostly gone?

Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch.

I feel.

I am touching wax.

I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"

And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up

until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something.

So I put my foot down on the floor.

And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vag area? Sealed shut.

Axx? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon.

Your head just might pop off."

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water!

Hot Water melts wax! I'll run the hottest Water I can stand and

get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture

prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.

And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having

them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.

In scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely

she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good

to start a conversation with "So my axx and womens private are stuck to the tub."

She doesn't have a trick.

She does her best to suppress laughter.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the axx - "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks.

She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night.

She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is.

"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.

You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."

"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax

off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than

covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry

shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other

subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion

provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming

"It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we

hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is

still there.

So I shaved the damned stuff off.

Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.

And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.

Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

[DeLarla 22]

Reminds me of a cure for crabs.

Shave half the area where the crabs are present. The crabs will jump to the newly shaved area. Stab them.

[HarleyNana 10]

Grandmas & Grandkids

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

**************************************

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**************************************

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he said.

*********************************

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

***********************************

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

***********************************

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.

In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

***************************************

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es."

(Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one? ****************************************

" Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

********************************************

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

***********************************

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"

A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[New Hope 37]

Pat, those are all so cute! Thanks for sharing!

[lapbander081004 7]

The Lawyer

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you."

"Oh, no!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[HarleyNana 10]

Greg that was too funny, I never saw it coming, then again I could be slow.

[donali 57]

Apparently this guy didn't see the sign... lol

[donali 57]

Now this is really having TOO much money, and too much time on your hands... lol

[HarleyNana 10]

Husband shopping for a gift...

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most

sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least Iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral services are pending.

[TrishS 3]

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

1. Can you cry under Water?

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."

3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?

10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

18. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

19. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

[donali 57]

Some new words:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra

credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all

these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an azzhole.

[Iluvharleys 15]

Our Constitution

>

>

> They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't

> we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,

> it's worked for over 200 years and what the hell, we're not using it

> anymore."

>

>

>

>

> <> Ten Commandments

>

> The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a

> Courthouse!

> You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit

> Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers,

> judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

>

>

> Zero Gravity

>

> When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly

> discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To

> combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion

> developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost

> any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below

> freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due

> again--enjoy paying them.

>

[Iluvharleys 15]

THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLE DAYS

> What Was My Mother Thinking?

>

> My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same

> cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem

> to get food

> poisoning.

>

> My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat

> it

> raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper

> in a brown

> paper bag not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e

> coli?

>

> Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake

> instead of a

> pristine

> pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

>

> The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell,

> and a pager

> was the school PA system.

>

> We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair

> of high top

> Ked's

> (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes

> with air

> cushion soles

> and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they

> must have

> happened because

> they tell us how much safer we are now.

>

> Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE

> must be much

> harder than gym.

>

> Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided

> comic relief]

> by running in

> the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet

> spot. How much

> better off would we

> be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.

>

> Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national

> anthem and staying

> in detention after

> school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had

> horribly damaged

> psyches.

>

> I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an

> abortion or condoms

> (we wouldn't have

> known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby

> aspirin and

> cough Syrup if

> we started getting the sniffles.

>

> What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?

> Ours wore a

> hat and everything.

>

> I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was

> allowed to be

> proud of myself.

>

> I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play

> Station, Nintendo,

> X-box or 270 digital

> TV cable stations.

>

> I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through

> the denial of

> the dangers could have

> befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road

> to some guy's

> vacant lot, built

> forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and

> fought over who

> got to be the Lone Ranger.

> What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot?

> He should

> have been locked up

> for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a

> self-closing

> gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

>

> Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I

> got that bee

> sting? I could have been killed!

>

> We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant

> construction sites

> and when we got hurt, Mom

> pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it

> better because it

> didn't sting like iodine did)

> and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency

> room,

> followed by a 10-day dose of a

> $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue

> the contractor

> for leaving a horribly vicious

> pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

>

> We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did,

> we got our

> butt spanked (physical abuse)

> here too .. and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

>

> Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids

> choked down the

> dust from the gravel driveway

> while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were

> made tough ...

> it wasn't so that they could

> take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with

> leaded gas.

>

> Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am

> sure that I

> nearly exhausted my imagination

> a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should

> probably sue the

> folks now for the danger they

> put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

>

> Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even

> know that mowers

> came with motors until

> I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an

> auto-drive.

>

> How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only

> psychos. I

> recall Donny Reynolds from next

> door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just

> before he fell

> off. Little did his Mom know that she

> could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted

> him for being

> such a goof. It was a

> neighborhood run amuck.

>

> To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that

> they were from

> a dysfunctional family. How could

> we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy

> and anger

> management classes?

>

> We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't

> even notice

> that the entire country wasn't

> taking Prozac! How did we survive?

>

> Wonder why the dramatic change in our society in such a few short

> years? Wonder

> who profits

> from these new "regulations"?

>

[TrishS 3]

because I'm blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she

yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count

to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"

She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids

could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,

she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the

other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her

tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[Iluvharleys 15]

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was

dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because

I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You

did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy,

"I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes

later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of Water?"

"No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of Water? ?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minute s

later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you

bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and

out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,

Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking

her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a

tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother

smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long

silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it

your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's

clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to Iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She

said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two

plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch

is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The

little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how

your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning

addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,

that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she

answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where chicken Little

tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the

farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that

farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:

'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" Th e teacher was unable to teach for the

next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm

not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the

boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too

rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can

find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next

to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your

Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."