Joke Thread

[Rebeccalee 2]

Here's a poem an old missionary used to recite to me -- REALLY!!--that's not the joke yet! :devious

I can see through my bifocals

With my dentures I'm doing fine

I can live with my arthritis

But, oh! how I miss my mind! :cheeky

[Iluvharleys 15]

IS UNDERWEAR IMPORTANT?!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your

vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a

Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal Mart only to have their car

break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car

in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the

car. On closer inspection, she saw pair of male legs protruding from under

the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned

private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the

embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his

shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring

at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have

three stitches in his forehead.

[NancySmiles 2]

Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking

around; Osama Bin Laden too. But they take the one woman in America

willing to cook, clean and work in the yard, and they haul her ass to

jail."

[DeLarla 22]

A man and woman are driving along a mountain road, when the woman screams out, "PIG!" Then man looks at her and yells back, "COW!!!!" Then he swerves to avoid the pig in the middle of the road and crashes into the mountain.

Why don't men listen?

[DeLarla 22]

Gotta hand it to the Toolman! And that poor mechanic! Fun stuff here.

[New Hope 37]

Betty, which Walmart is that and when is that mechanic on duty?

[Iluvharleys 15]

He wouldn't know what to do with the likes of all of us standing around him!

[whippledaddy 5]

A husband comes home from work to find his wife standing in the front hallway, totally nude, admiring her body in the mirror.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Well, when I was at the doctor's today he told me I have a great body for a woman my age."

The husband smiled and slapped her on the bottom. "He didn't say anything about that big ass of yours?"

She continued to look in the mirror. "No, dear, you weren't mentioned at all."

[HarleyNana 10]

After Adam and Eve finished having sex, Eve stepped into the creek and started washing up, soon this loud voice says, "OH NO EVE, I'll never get the smell outta those fish".

[donali 57]

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

lol

I have to write something else - apparently, messages less than 10 characters can't be posted, and quoted text doesn't count... lol

Now THAT's a good joke!!

[TrishS 3]

Blonde Moments!

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with

Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a

friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million

dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it

A) robin, sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a

Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer

the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be

Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it A) robin, sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the

million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have

just won one million dollars!"

To Celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the

town. As they're celebrating, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me,

how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own

nest?"

"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

[whippledaddy 5]

A woman is sleeping on the sofa, with her mouth wide open. Her husband tiptoes up to her and drops two aspirin in her mouth.

She wakens and splutters "Ugh! What was that?"

"Aspirin" He answers.

"Why did you put aspirin in my mouth?" she asks.

"For your headache, dear" Hubby states.

"But I don't have a headache" She contends.

"Finally!"

[Jammin & Losin 1]

Donali.... Ryan Needs A Bath Again.... He Still Talking About Headaches!!!

[whippledaddy 5]

If you accidentally drink bathwater, that bubble bath stuff sure does take care of some other band problems, if ya know what I mean.

No, my headaches better. I think. Yeah. It's better. Yup. Real good. I am headache free. Yes.

[Jammin & Losin 1]

Your avator head looks different !!!You look like you got a new head.... no wonder it feels better!!!