Lost my friend after surgury

[lotus10 8]

Hi all,

I've been reading the forums a bit trying to understand a bit more about bariatric surgery. My best friend of over 25 years had gastric bypass in 2015. She had been struggling with weight since end of high school, been through many diets, would lose and gain weight. she went through a period of time where she gave up. There was a suicide attempt, my dropping everything and flying across the country more than once to check on her. Its been years of me always worrying and trying to support her, and I was very excited that she got the surgery.

Things were fine until about a month after the surgery. Then she became monstrous.

I've been her dumping ground for years, but I have never been allowed to have problems. She's always been super judgmental, difficult and angry. She was am emotional eater for years. Around the time she had surgery, i had my own health problems. Serious thyroid issues, gained over 40 pounds, super sick. Lost my job, my bf, my home. Pretty much the epitome of having a rough time. I developed a chronic illness that i may have to manage the rest of my life.

Even during that, I was supportive. But, things started to get a little weird. If i asked her a question about herself, she'd get angry. She would blow a gasket if it involved a question about her surgery or what she can eat/can't eat. I couldn't talk about my diet, or my struggles following a restricted diet (found I had multiple food sensitivities). I couldn't be upset about gaining weight because I was never "fat" like her.

All my health problems were my fault. I was refusing to seek psychiatric help (not true). I wasn't really sick, I was choosing to be sick. I got where I was because i was mentally ill and made bad choices (no words..). After that, she cut me out to be in a more positive place.

I've just been really sad that she would behave this way.

Is it normal for people to go through the surgery and demolish their friendships? I feel as if I made the mistake of not researching what her mental state would be post-op. I've read a lot of posts about people writing about their friends and family being non-supportive and saying awful things...and I've never done those things.

I guess in the end she was the toxic part of my life, but I still miss her. And I wish she hadn't given up on me when we both had an incredibly difficult time. I do miss the person she was before, because that person was kind. I know she sees her new persona as strong and not letting people take advantage of her, but she's been really horribly mean. Im incredibly worried about her.

I guess if I had any advice to give people, it would be to not give up on everybody. Some friends want to change with you. They want to be there for you.

[_Kate_ 2,224]

Heartfelt post, thank you for sharing.

[Navigating the Wilderness 824]

It may just be me, but if this person could not be mutually supportive of your issues, then she is not a friend. Having said that, there are huge mood swings after surgery, but in my opinion never to the point you would throw away a friend over some trivial BS.

Maybe you could take the worry you have for her and spend some of it on you? You deserve support and caring. That starts with you caring for yourself.

[jpballerina 26]

Okay, so I suffer from anxiety, after the surgery my anxiety got worse. After I reached the 1 year mark, I became unbearable. I lashed out at my family that they weren't supportive of my job and choices, and even cut them all off and quit talking to them (we are very close!!) I was so angry and shaky and anxiety driven ALL THE TIME. My anxiety medication didn't help a bit. What was worse is I KNEW they didn't do anything wrong, I was overreacting...but I was so angry all the time! It wasn't until a particularly bad night that I realized what was wrong with me: I had become hypoglycemic.

My insulin drops quickly soon after I eat. It's an uncommon side effect, but not particularly rare. Hypoglycemia (or even low blood sugar) causes anxiety, shakiness, sweating, nightmares...everything I had been experiencing. I saw my doctor, am now taking my blood sugar level throughout the day, and am back to my regular self. Yes, my family forgave me! Lol!

There is a difference between Reactive Hypoglycemia and low blood sugar, but as I said, simply having regular low blood sugar would do it. I thought I was going to have to be put in a looney bin. I'm so happy I found out what my body was experiencing.

Lastly, it could that her blood levels are perfect, and she's simply feeling very insecure about herself and her choices. That's not an excuse to lash out at you; just give perspective. If it's hurting you, tell her you need some time to take care of yourself, and give your friendship a break. You need to be taken care of, and frankly she's going through so much stress and change that she can't be there for you. You need to be there for you and take care of yourself. I'm afraid to say that it's really no one's fault; just the worse timing for both of your needs to be met. Take a break and take care yourself, hon.

And tell her to check her blood sugar, just in case....

[CocoNina 210]

I'm a month & a week post-op. The pain & life changes to how you eat & what you can not eat along with dealing with school & work made me emotional the first month. But I never lashed out like that. It sounds like your friend has deeper rooted issues & took them out on you. She wasn't a friend to begin with if she can't be mutually supportive to you too. Sometimes, friendships just end no matter how long you've known someone.


Height: 5'0"
Weight for WLS consultation: 216 lbs.
Surgery date: 2/13/17
Goal: -71 lbs for healthy BMI (about 145 lbs).
Current weight: 180.8
My profile picture is not me. It's my "FITspiration" body.

[Shell Renewed 176]

I'm so sorry to hear that she's not half as good a friend to you as you have been to her. She's a taker in this relationship and is clearly projecting onto you the judgements she secretly holds inside of herself (that her health problems are her fault, etc).

You deserve friends that will give as much as they take. Keep missing her and just keep her at arm's length anytime she is less than supportive of you.

I hope you find all the support you need here and irl.

[James Marusek 5,244]

After weight loss surgery as you lose weight, the chemicals and hormones that are stored in the fat cells are released into the body. This causes a hormone rush in some individuals. Once they transition from the weight loss phase to the maintenance phase, this dump of hormones should return back to normal levels.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

Re-read your own post. Your "friend" was always a monster. It was until when you were down and needed help that you realized what a terrible person she was, surgery was just a coincidence.

I love everyone that I love so much more post-op. The issues I went through with my help to get to the point of surgery really made me value life more. When I see people posting about cheating on their spouses post-op and assorted other things it surprises me. My love for people and the world has increased 10 fold. I would never want to harm anyone or cause them pain.

[lotus10 8]

On 3/22/2017 at 5:04 AM, Shell Renewed said:

I'm so sorry to hear that she's not half as good a friend to you as you have been to her. She's a taker in this relationship and is clearly projecting onto you the judgements she secretly holds inside of herself (that her health problems are her fault, etc).

You deserve friends that will give as much as they take. Keep missing her and just keep her at arm's length anytime she is less than supportive of you.

I hope you find all the support you need here and irl.

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I went through a rough patch and couldn't bring myself to think about this. Its been over a year but it still hurts every single day.

I know my friend has had a rough go at things, and I know she just had major surgery and could have been on an emotional roller coaster, I am just sad the way she took this out on me. I tried to explain to her that I wish she had talked to me about the issues she perceived in our relationship before cutting me out like this. Because I know I was going through a tough time and maybe didn't realize that I was complaining because chronic health issues tend to do that.

I actually found this site because after her surgery I was researching things she could eat and sent a huge care package her way. I even told her i could visit her post-op if she didn't want to be alone.

But I guess the truth is she didn't want me around, and used my health issues and depression to manipulate me into getting angry so she could make the end of our friendship my fault. In some warped area of her brain, I guess I was a "repeat offender" of something I didn't realize was a problem. And she projecting her insecurities onto me, that people get to where they are because they choose it. I feel she has also been victim to the cult of positivity, that nefarious meme generating cult that sucks up those with chronic medical conditions, surgery, etc.

The truth is my friend is not the person I thought she was, and she is not a nice person. She probably has a personality disorder like her family members, and her difficult childhood and subsequent weight issues tipped the scales and shes gotta figure her life out.

I am still hurting because I trusted this person. I wish I had just been given a chance. But, it is healthy for me to be away, to not have to listen to her complaints and anger and blaming others for her unhappiness. I bore the brunt of it for a decade.

My advice to anyone getting surgery would not be to write off your friends and loved ones forever. Some of us want to be supportive and we just didn't know how. We don't know how we are supposed to be either when this new person emerges. I didn't know how life altering this was going to be for her, and I had no idea the extent of her pain and suffering and what she perceived to be my role in her pre-op negative lifestyle. Now its too late, she has removed me from her life, blocked me on social media, phone, etc. I thought it was my fault for a long time but through talking with people I realize this is not on me.

I don't know if she will get in touch years down the road. I know I am not the first person she has done this to, many friends and family have had it happen....some deserved, some, maybe not. In the end, I guess it is her loss.