Fear of being thin, losing fat girl identity?

[hillarycatlin 6]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here -- this is my first post. I have a surgery consult scheduled in May, but I'm realizing that a huge barrier for me is that the thought of being thin terrifies me.

I'm a single mom of a toddler and for his sake more than anything else, I want to be healthy, fit and active. I'm also more miserable in my body than ever since giving birth. Aches, pains, shortness of breath, all of it.

That said, when I think about losing weight and becoming a thin person, it's almost inconceivable. Because of childhood trauma I'm terrified of unwanted male attention. There are other issues related to my mother (very thin, obsessed with my weight from the time I was a toddler, would never want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me thin), but she's not in my life anymore. But the big thing is fearing the positive attention that comes with losing weight, and also of losing my 'fat girl' identity. I don't think I'd know what to do if I could no longer use being fat as an excuse for not liking myself. Then maybe I'd have to accept that there are deeper reasons not to like myself. Maybe that doesn't make sense; I don't even really understand what I'm thinking.

Can anyone relate?

How can I overcome this fear so that I deep down *want* on every level to lose weight? Because otherwise I'll just keep sabotaging myself.

Thanks in advance.

[Racky 7]

Hi, I'm new on here too. Not due for opp till 20th March. However, I saw a book on Amazon that I think can help you. Read the reviews, and maybe this could have some answers for you.
Hope this helps.

[hillarycatlin 6]

Thanks!

[Pazza 199]

Just want to offer some encouragement and say therapy can help.

This is a difficult process but finding your strength is going to be worth it.

I don't mean that to be negative or hurtful. Most people get emotional scars and, if you can afford it/get it covered, a quality therapist can help!

I like the feeling good handbook because it covers so much.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

Eating the moment is another good book. It is a little simplistic but the exercises are helpful for me.

You is a very Fluid concept. Chances are you are different than you were 2 or 5 years ago, even though our core values can remain the same. It is because we learn and are affected by life. For a lot of reasons, it can be hard for a person to register the changes.

All the best to you.

[NicoleInVancouver 7]

I have these same feelings! I'm scheduled for VGS on April 17th and I'm trying to think back to reasons that I've not been successful at long term weight loss in the past. I honestly think that I was afraid of becoming attractive to men and unwanted sexual attention and I still have some of that fear. I also bought the first book that was recommended (First Aid Kit) and it's been really helpful. I'm open to and will access ongoing therapy as well, in order to get past these roadblocks and be able to enjoy my future weight loss successes without fear.

It's great that you realize this aspect of yourself and that you're acknowledging it and reaching out to do something about it. That says a lot about your strength and determination!

[hermione53 157]

Hi HillaryCatlin, Wow, I have to say thank you for having the courage to bring up this topic. I have a lot of worries about my fat woman identity and whether I'll be able to give it up as a coping mechanism. I've not been much lower than 180 pounds as an adult and even as a late teen. The last time I remember wearing a size 12 was in the 7th or 8th grade. I have not been a thin person since I was about six years old. Who will I be as a thin person? I have no idea and the whole concept is unfathomable to me, particularly because I'm now 47 years old.

I'm feeling fine at the weight I'm at now (a little over 200) because I've been up, down, and around this weight many times. I think it's when I lose another 20 pounds that I'll start having to deal with fear and self-sabotage. I have a history of physical and sexual abuse and know that I gained weight as a way to self-soothe and to try to protect myself/ become invisible. I've rarely ever gotten appropriate/ wanted sexual attention from men and the prospect both excites and terrifies me. I've been in therapy since I was 15 so you think I'd have gotten through all of this by now, but even though my abusers (family members) are not in my life right now they continue to live in my head as evidenced by the shitty way I treat myself. Getting the surgery 10 weeks ago has certainly given me hope for the future and lots of motivation. I feel like a significant shift has occurred and I really do believe I can get to those scary lower weights and keep going this time. My lifelong depression has lifted significantly.

One thing I've done is joined a 12-week trauma group. This is something I've never done before, but it seems like the right time. The six women in the group have to have a goal for the 12 weeks and everyone has chosen very personal ones. Mine is to be more open to other people and to be more social because I tend to be very isolated. The group is sort of freaking me out right now because it's new, but I think it's going to be good for me. I also have a good therapist and we talk about my fears of becoming thin.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this except to say I get where you're coming from. I also think the simple fact that you are aware that your fat girl identity has long served a purpose will go a long way in helping you question if the fat girl still serves a purpose. I don't think mine really does anymore. I'm ready to both honor her and slowly let her go.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helped me share mine.

[hermione53 157]

I forgot to say that I second Racky's recommendation of the Emotional First Aid Kit book. I don't remember that it addresses this kind of deeply emotional stuff, but it's very good particularly when you're pre-op. I'll have to go back to my Kindle app and read it again.

[teacupnosaucer 445]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've been fat my entire adult life, and I really do feel like it's a part of who I am. I see that meme saying "you're not fat you HAVE fat" and it couldn't be farther from the truth for me. I'm the fat friend. I'm a part of fat activist/body positive spaces online. My fatness changes the way people see me, treat me, and therefore how I act and how I feel in public spaces. I'm so worried about who I'll be when I'm not fat anymore. Will my friends still like me? How will I fit into the world? What kind of person will I be? Lots of uncertainty for sure.

[SweetPeaGracie 30]

I just had this discussion with my therapist. I had my son at 35 and never lost the weight so now 18 years later I had the sleeve and will hopefully lose at least 80 lbs. my husband died a year ago and I too am afraid of unwanted attention.

[Heath55 17]

OMG I fear that too but for very different reasons. I started gaining weight in the 4th grade (my 3rd and 4th grade pics are like two different kids) and by middle school/freshman year I became more okay with my body. I learned to love my curves and have never wanted to be "skinny". I've had times where I dislike it or "feel fat" but it's not the constant. I WANT to be a curvaceous woman, I feel like it's meant to be and I never shy away from acknowledging my weight. I do it in a casual manner like "I'm obviously no size 2..." and I feel like I'm losing me with the weight but health wise I don't have a choice. I actually had the sleeve in 01/13 so the RNY petrifies me because what if it actually works this time but "too well"?

For what it's with I'm actually a licensed clinical therapist who specializes in trauma as well as a trauma survivor and if you're not currently in therapy you should consider it. TBH I don't know what I'd do without therapy and know I gained these positive self images by engaging in treatment. You have a considerable history that you need to carefully address with a professional, don't go the journey alone if you don't have to. If you have the courage to start this thread than I believe you have the strength to overcome all of these things and be a happier, healthier you.


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[gjb2017 71]

Hi, I'm new on here too. Not due for opp till 20th March. However, I saw a book on Amazon that I think can help you. Read the reviews, and maybe this could have some answers for you.
Hope this helps.

I got thisbook. It is really great. Puts a lot of information in your hands in a logical manner. Just be sure to read the whole thing.

[hillarycatlin 6]

Thank you all so much for your replies and your support; it helps me to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Just trying to figure out how to word my post had me really thinking about what it is that I'm even afraid will happen if I become a thin person. A few months ago I was reading some article recounting women's experiences being sexually harassed and/or assaulted (groped, etc.). It hit me that my defense mechanism of being obese since puberty has been quite effective in protecting me against assault and most harassment as an adult -- or at least it feels that way. What I realize is ironic is that, though I feel like I'm safer at a higher weight, I'm so out of shape right now that I'd be less able to run or defend myself against an attacker currently than I would be if I was 100 lbs lighter and physically fit.

I do need to get back in therapy, for sure. I've have done some work on this issue, but it just seems to be so ingrained in my identity. I was also thinking about how it's been uncomfortable for me to receive compliments on my weight loss in the past because it feels to me like people are admitting that they didn't like who I was before.

I'm going to check out the recommended books. Thanks again.

[B.Annie 290]

I have a very similar fear. Spent a lot of time in counseling learning to love myself after some traumas that left me happily fat and unwanted. What i realized after some serious soul searching was that my fat identity is exactly what will allow me to love my skinny identity. Embrace fat you and learn what you love most about how you present yourself now so you can incorporate that confidence into your new mind and body. My fat me is confident and fearless. Thats what i will pack for my new body.

As far as compliments go, i find them easier to handle when i turn it around on the person sincerely. If they say, "wow you look great", i say "i was just about to say the same about you! Tell me, (then ask a question like, whay makeup do you use, where did you get that outfit, etc). Takes the focus off of you and on to them.

Edited March 8, 2017 by B.Annie

[marycordero 1]

Great!

[Hoping052017 97]

I too have had this fear, but for other reasons. I think. I actually started back to therapy for the specific reason to find out why I have sabotaged every single diet I've ever been on. (First one at 9 years old) I've always been overweight. Even my mom knew it for years before I turned 9 but the Dr. just kept telling her it was baby fat and that I'd lose it as I got older. I never did. So I literally have NO CLUE what I'm going to look like when I get to my goal weight.

The last time I wore a size 12 I was in the 7th or 8th grade. So, I can totally relate with being afraid of being thin. But, I do agree with many of the comments stating to seek therapy. I've only been going, myself, for a few weeks. I'm not scheduled for surgery yet. (Hoping for the end of next month) It took me a while to realize that I kept blaming others for sabotaging my diets instead of placing the blame where it belonged (on me).

Just remember that this is a journey. And not just in the respect that you're losing weight. It's also a journey of self discovery. None of us got to the point of needing weight loss surgery because we were healthy (mentally or physically). I'd bet at least 90% of us got here because we were not mentally healthy either because we have addictive personalities or past traumas in our lives that made us turn to food to deal with things.

I've found that the people here on these forums usually have really good advice. And it's been listening to that advice that has helped me cope with some of the same feelings you're having. Take heart that you aren't alone in this. You have all the wonderful, knowledgeable people here that have already gone through what you're going through that can help you through it if you let them.

Heaven bless you and protect and good luck in your journey.