angry and betrayed

[brightfeather 1]

the title looks overblown, but I don't have better words for what I'm currently feeling.

I finally met with my surgeon today. went in excited to have finally reached this point, and eager to set a date. as I've worked my way through the process of getting this far, I've kept my focus on the end goal, but it's been a really rough couple of months:

1: when I did my initial intake appointment with the only practice that handles this surgery on this end of the state, I was very clear on a few things: I knew I wanted roux en y, I knew I had a limited time frame due to insurance considerations (insurance year resets April 1 and I can't afford 2 years of max out of pocket costs), and I knew I might have some additional hurdles to jump due to preexisting conditions. I was VERY clear about my current health and conditions, all meds, and my goals for surgery. I was quickly alerted to the fact that my endometriosis, and the nsaids I took for it, might be an issue. intake dr discussed case with surgeons at their monthly meeting, and then told me that I would not be approved for surgery while the endo was still an issue. the only way to get rid of it permanently was to have a hysterectomy. while this was part of my long term plans (I'm only 38, and haven't had kids), I hadnt planned on doing it until i hit 40 or had kids, but I now had to cram a second surgery in before the bypass.

2: the hysterectomy turned into a more difficult affair than I had aimed for. Apparently, I don't have a lot of pain relief from narcotics, but they do a bang up job of shutting my gut down completely. Constipation from hell. 5 days after surgery, I was in the er 3 times in 12 hrs for hemorroids, before being admitted to the hospital for a second surgery to have them removed. this was waaay more painful than the hysterectomy, and I continue to have a lot of pain and discomfort.

3: by the time I'm recovered enough from surgery to think about returning to work, it's become apparent that the hormone crash from surgical menopause is causing me crippling fatigue and depression. I end up off of work for 5 1/2 weeks, only 2 of which are covered by PTO. so now, I'm still in pain in my ass from surgical sites that arent yet completely closed, I'm an emotional wreck, I'm exhausted, and I'm supposed to be returning to working for a bitch of a boss tomorrow.

4: meanwhile, while recovering from surgeries 1 and 2, I meet with my (intake/main) Dr again, and I'm told that the prednisone I'm taking for my asthma is an issue if I want a bypass (I've been tapering off of it sloooowly, but I could have pushed it up if I'd known sooner that I needed to be off it for an extended period prior to surgery, rather than just "off it"). so I finish tapering off as quickly as possible, which adds to the emotional hot mess I'm already experiencing. but I can deal with this to get to my goal. eyes on the prize and all that, right?

5: and then, today, I finally meet with the surgeon and I'm told that bypass isn't an option because of another med that I can't stop taking. a med that I've been on for years, and which was clearly listed on my meds list in the initial appointment months ago. oh, and by the way, since all he'll do is the sleeve, I can take nsaids in the future if needed. after my brain stops glitching, I point blank ask him if I needed to have the hysterectomy NOW, and I get a "Dodge the question" answer. which seems to indicate that no, I didnt??????

6: so here I am, at 230 in the morning, after 3 sobbing jags, pissed off and mourning what now looks like an unnecessarily early loss of my fertility, compounded by financial stress (still have lots more unpaid time off work to come after the gastric surgery, while the bills keep coming in), work stress and a boss irritated by my absence, hormonal crashes, bipolar disorder thats ramping back up to the worst it's been in a decade, and exhaustion.

I feel ANGRY. really really angry, and betrayed (logical or not) by a dr/team that should have sorted this shit out BEFORE I had a major, unalterable, fertility ending, highly stressful surgery. and there's not a damn thing I can do about it at this point.

Edited March 1, 2017 by brightfeather

[wareaglex5 10]

Brightfeather. Wow. Okay that is a lot. I am at the beginning of my journey and so I can't even give any advice about that but as a psych nurse let me say that yea... you have a lot going on there. I'm so sorry your going through all of this
I might have missed it in the story but why are you set on bypass? Just a question.
It seems you have a lot of health, emotional, and financial challenges going on... having to slow down... to process the loss of your fertility... allow your hormones to stabilize.. and get through the financial difficulties from the time off from surgery might not be what you wanted but it might be better for you in the long run...
Just from reading other people's journey it's a major mental shift after surgery and lifelong lifestyle adjustment... I mean if you found a surgeon that would do the surgery right now are you thinking you'd want to put yourself through the additional major lifestyle and mental change on top of all the other stuff your going through?.... or would it be better to consider some time to get over this major hurdle you just went over and work toward getting healthy? I'm just asking.
Again... wow... I'm so sorry you are going through this...
does your work provide for employee assistance program where you could get some free counseling to help you process your feelings about what you've just been told... and in the meantime get over physically and get healthy again?

[tizv123 23]

wow, Im sorry that you are going through all of that.....

[brightfeather 1]

if, at the beginning of all of this, I had been told sleeve was the better or only option for me, I could have delt with that. it's not my preference, but most of life isn't my preference. you just put on your big girl underpants and deal with it.

where I'm jammed up on an emotional and mental level is that I WASN'T told this. I've spent the last several months being consistently told that bypass is the gold standard, that outcomes are statistically better on multiple metrics, and that if I wanted to have this shiny prize at the end of my journey, I would need to do additional things. which I did, only to have the "gold standard" yanked away and the "2nd best " option thrown at my head. and frankly, those additional, now apparently unnecessary steps have made an already stressed and difficult scenario far more burdensome.

and I don't have the option, financially, to wait for an improved set of choices. financially, I am in a situation that is unique for me: I had a year of one respiratory crisis after another, stemming from an undiagnosed sinus infection that horribly exacerbated my asthma. I met my max of of pocket in the first 3 months of the insurance year, and spent another 6 months getting the asthma back under control. once the dust settled, I realized I was in a position to have the surgery - something that I would never have been able to afford otherwise. when my insurance resets on April 1, I will no longer be on a group plan through my employer, and my costs will go up significantly, removing any possibility of pushing the surgery further out into this year and eating a second out of pocket amount (I don't have $60, much less 6k, lying around). and when ACA is repealed, likely by the time I need to reup my policy in April 2018, I will be back in the situation I was prior: unable to purchase any insurance at all, due to preexisting conditions.

basically, while this is far from an ideal scenario for heading into surgery, it's now or never. and, frankly, I can look at my mother's generation and see exactly where "never" leads: rampant heart disease, strokes, diabetes, and crippling joint pain, followed by early death. the weight has to come off and STAY off if I'm to have any chance at avoiding that path.

Edited March 1, 2017 by brightfeather

[wareaglex5 10]

I understood how you'd be angry when you had the gold standard yanked from your grasp. Ouch. I wish I had the perfect advice but I don't. Not even close. Do you have any other weight loss surgeons they might be able to give you a second opinion. If so it might not hurt... just a thought...
I'm so sorry... wow I'd be pissed too