Looking for Help

[Guest brandma]

Hello to all,

Wow, I just wrote a long story and then was told I was not logged on. I lost it all. Darnit - it was a heart felt one also.

To make a long story short. I have a son, who will be 18 this January. He is morbidly obese. At 365 lbs. and even at 6"1" and a large bone structure, he is over 100 lbs overweight.

We have tried everything. He simply does not want this bad enough. He will excercise with me every morning at 6:00 am with no complaints, but he seldom will do it at himself. I literally have a gymnasium in my house.

We have 3 other children, (16, 12 & 7) and all are normal weight. I think he has genetic factors that make it more difficult, he has steadily increased since being very little. This cannot be explained by genetics alone though. My wife is heavy (30-40lbs. overweight) and I should be 25 lbs. lighter as well. We are 44 and 43 years old. We live in Ohio.

I feel he should move out. Maybe then he could get to where I know he wants to be. I don't know, maybe lap band is the way to go. I am so ahamed of the job my wife and I have done, I sit here knowing he his killing himself and I am unable to help him. It has consumed me for a number of years now and I am at a loss.

PLease let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

Mark

[MeganA 35]

Mark-

Welcome to the forum. Let me begin my post by saying that I might tick you off..and I hope I don't...but I'm going to give you my honest opinion here, and you can take it or leave it. I mean everything I say with a compassionate heart and spirit.

That being said...

I understand your feelings about your son's weight issues.

Please do not judge the success or failure of your parenting skills on what your son weighs. Please do not make your son move out because of his weight or because you think he doesn't take his health issues as seriously as you do. THIS WILL NOT HELP.

He has enough shame and self esteem issues to deal with that the moment he moves out, he'll eat all of those feeling away even more. This I can promise you.

You are viewing your son's weight as something that he has control over. He has a disease. A very serious, chronic disease. I understand that you and your wife are slightly overweight but you really don't understand the physical, emotional, biological, and chemical things in the body of someone who is morbidly obese. It's a whole different ball game.

This is not anyone's fault. Not yours, your wife, or your sons. This is the hand your son was dealt. Treat his obesity like it is a disease. If he had lukemia would you make him move out?

Let me tell you what my parents did...

They loved me to peices. They supported me in EVERYTHING I did. They never made me feel ashamed or odd or lazy or stupid because I was fat. I was told I could do the same things other kids could do. I was encouraged to be in sports even if that meant they had to take me to the twin cities to buy me special uniforms to fit me. As I grew up, I was taught that education was the most important thing in the world- over material things and looks and money. I was taught that I was a wonderful person - fat and all. My family NEVER picked on me. I was never called any names or made to feel odd. And I weighed 250 pounds in 7th grade. My mom shopped with me and paid extra money for plus size clothes and never complained. When I did go on diets or try various things to lose weight, they were ultra supportive of my effort- not the results of the effort.

I assume you love your son if you are here asking for help. As he is 18 (and I assume in ok mental health), he is an adult who is capable of making this kind of a life changing decision on his own. Give him all the tools- the information on the surgery, the websites you've found helpful, and any other information you think is important. And then let him be.

It took me over 6 months to get up the courage to look into having surgery and I'm not 18. It's a very frightening place to be in. He will need time to think the idea through and find out if HE is willing to do what needs to be done. This surgery is not a miracle cure- there is a LOT of work that goes into making it a success. And at this point, it needs to be his effort and his success.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but it may be a long time before the pain of being overweight is too much to bear for him. If the pain of him being overweight is too much for you and your wife to bear- then get the two of you to some counseling that can help you with some of the feelings you are having.

All I can really say is this- love your son the way he is. I know it's scary that his health is very compromised...but he's young and if he's working out once and awhile he's got to be in pretty good shape. The world will not be easy for him...make sure that home IS easy.

That's my two cents and I hope that you know I wish you well.

Megan

[southerntoon 0]

Dear Mark

just wanted to say you musn't feel ashamed of ur parenting - we just do the best we can, it's heartbreaking when it's not enough but we are all imperfect. I'm inclined to agree with Megan in that moving out may not be the help he needs, he is a young adult now and only he can decide if surgery is for him, give him all the info he needs, he may come back to it when he's sick and tired of being sick and tired. Hope it works out for him/you all. Good luck

[Vickums 0]

Hi Mark,

Well, you asked, although I don't think you're going to like your response. I have a teenage son, so I know how they are, and basically in my experience, they'll only seek out and pursue what's important to them. My son didn't apply to colleges until he could choose what colleges to go to, and he only did that once we backed off and stopped having conniption fits when he mentioned things like becoming a male model or a rodeo clown; once we did that, he went gangbusters, and in fact I'm sitting here with his apps to Harvard, Princeton and Georgetown. (And with his test scores and grades, he stands a good shot at getting in). He's now frantic, desperate to get into the best schools and major in political science. Why? Because we backed off and let him choose his own destiny.

What I read in your post is that your son's weight is more important to YOU than to HIM. If you push him, you will only make him rebel; he has to want to lose weight to make any lasting changes. He can't do it for you. And I'm afraid that if you shame him or make him feel bad about being fat, you'll only damage his self esteem. And good self esteem is, I believe, really important to taking the steps necessary to have a permant weight loss occur.

If it were me, I'd just encourage him to exercise with you every day (heck, it's good for you, too, and you're setting a good example) and have only healthful foods in the house. You don't say what your food situation is like at home but if his "normal sized" sibilngs are allowed to eat junk food and he's judged for what he puts in his mouth, that again could shame him. I'm not saying you are doing this, and I hope you're not; but my grandparents did it to my mom, and she ended up weighing way over 400 pounds. So I'd just have healthful foods in the house, encourage regular exercise -- stressing the health benefits of regular exercise, not whether it leads to weight loss -- and as he feels better about himself, his body, etc. he may very well opt to "do something" about his weight. In the meantime, those changes will go very far to help him stay healthy. Studies have shown that a fat person who eats healthily and exercises (and yes, we exist) his similar risks to heart disease and cancer as a thin person. So while it's healthier to be thin, it's healthy to be active and eat nutritious foods, too. Regardless of one's weight.

I'm a little confused, though. Were you thinking of kicking him out of the house because of his weight??? Please tell me I misread your post, because that seems unconscionably cruel. The only reason I could think of to kick my kids out are illegal activities, flagrant disregard for the rules, or being in their 20's with no real goals in life. He's still a kid, and needs your guidance and support -- not your shame. What would kicking him out of the house do? He wouldn't be exercising with you and would have to get a job which would cut into work out activities; also, he probably wouldn't be eating particularly well if he's like most teens left to their own devices. I only see it as a lose lose situation.

And really, so what if he's fat? I've lived 40 years on this planet in a fat body (I'm arranging my surgery for next year) and in that time I have married my high school sweetie, birthed and raised three lovely, intelligent, insightful, saavy children who love their planet and each other. I graduated from nursing school at the top of my class while raising three kids and running a business. I've been a childbirth educator, labor coach, Girl Scout leader, volunteer for numerous organizations, and helped at my children's schools. My life is one hardly deserving of shame. But it was my parents telling me that my weight didn't matter -- that my character did -- which led me to strive for everything I could have in life. My weight, until recently, never got in my way. I worked out several days a week, I backpacked around Alaska, California and Washington state, I swam in lakes, rivers and pools, I bicycled, I even rode a Vespa scooter. The only reason I'm having trouble now is that I'm 40 and have an autoimmune disease; the combination of my weight, aging and the Sarcoidosis have finally started to catch up with me. I hardly consider the last 40 years "killing myself". But all of the crazy stupid diets I went on probably DID do some damage, which is why I stepped OFF the dieting treadmill and just focused on eating well and exercising. I didn't drop a pound but I felt really good.

Your son is only 18, not 40, and establishing a healthy lifestyle -- regardless of what that does to his weight -- is far more important than buying into your obsession with his size. What he needs, in my opinion, is good information about healthy eating, exercise, and good role models. And he needs the space to decide how he wants to live his life. Now, if he's depressed, or has no real goals or anything, then by all means get the kid to a counselor. If he's eating crap, make it clear that he can't do that in the house and make him read "Fast Food Nation". But otherwise, his weight problem is HIS weight problem; I'm afraid you need to back off and deal with your own issues about his weight, and let the kid find his way. The more you pressure him, the more he will rebel, and it may cost you your relationship with him.

Sorry to be so hard core, but I've seen parents do this to their kids -- out of love, don't get me wrong, I know you must love him very much, and your concerns are well justified -- and it never ends well. The best thing you can do is tell him you love him, that you're proud of him, and if he needs help he can come to you. And in the meantime, try to get him to exercise regularly so you guys can have quality bonding time together.

Best of luck, Mark. I know it's tough, but really, as bad as it is being fat, it could be so much worse, you know? Try to focus on the good things about him to build his self esteem; he'll address his weight problem when he's ready. (BTW, I'm assuming he's been to a doctor and been checked out for any kind of endocrine problems??? Obviously that's the first order of business).

Take care, and if he is interested in finding out about the lap band, then I hope he would post here and get his questions answered. But I wouldn't recommend pressuring him to have the surgery because there seems to be SOOOOO much that's all about compliance and working with the band; if he's not behind it 100% (or more), then I fear he could really damage himself.

[Zoe 6]

Thanks for writing about your son, Mark. I will add my raspy voice to the eloquent chorus raised by Megan, Joanne, and Vickie; my perspective is slightly different than theirs, in that I was a fat kid who was constantly badgered by my parents regarding my weight. Not a penny for my college education, but no diet doctor was too bizarre or expensive for them to open their wallets. Now that I'm in my 40s, I can see that they thought they were trying to help me, but at the time I resented their interference and the implication that I needed fixing -- and that my weight was the only thing that merited their attention. I don't imagine that you have such a severe attitude toward your 17-year-old son, but I thought I'd mention what it feels like to be on the other side of parents who devote considerable energy to solving a child's "weight problem."

I bet your son wishes he could just wake up thin one morning (what overweight person doesn't?), his body issues magically gone. And if you ask him "don't you want to be thinner?" of course his answer will be YES. But it's so hard for anyone, especially kids, to be patient with the tiresome process of losing a pound or two a week, as would happen if he followed a conventional dieting program like Weight Watchers.

That your son is very heavy does not mean that you and your wife have failed. Unless you are force-feeding him Krispy Kremes, please do not beat yourself up for his condition.

I would encourage your son to talk to you, or to another adult he trusts, about how he feels about his weight. Don't judge him or try to direct his answers. If he'd like to make a change, tell him you will support him however you can. If he doesn't want to do anything about his weight, unfortunately nothing you do can make him. I will hold back from making the tempting comparison to alcoholism, but there is one relevant point where addictions and weight issues meet, and that is the total inability of anyone to help someone who doesn't want to change. As much as it may hurt you to "sit here knowing he is killing himself," you can't force him to modify his eating or exercise; if you try, he may simply rebel and in consequence sabotage his own efforts (and wind up even heavier).

If your son shows any interest in losing weight, please encourage him to sign on here, or on another Lap Band board where he can be anonymous. It's great that he's interested in exercising with you. It might be unrealistic to expect him to exercise alone, especially if he thinks it's "for his own good" rather than something he enjoys. (It's hard to move a 365-lb. body.) And please, please don't throw him out of the house in hope that he will toughen up. That rarely works, and usually backfires. Keep him close and try to support any good eating and exercise habits that he voluntarily develops. Encourage him to walk to school and on errands, or with the family dog if you have one. Pay attention to the rest of his life: academic achievement, hobbies, friends. Let him know that you are on his side. You can offer him a tremendous gift simply by making him responsible for any decision to change his body. He's almost 18, and with manhood comes the opportunity to seize his own destiny. Good luck.

[Vickums 0]

Raspy, Zoe? Hardly. I appreciate your perspective, as someone who hasn't "been there". Although I thought of myself as horribly fat in high school, the truth was I wore a size 14 (aaaahhhh, if only I had that body now...) I could only go on what I know of as a parent (and my schooling); I don't really have any experiences growing up as a fat kid/teen.

I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. It's interesting how, as parents, we push certain things in our kids' lives. My ex (the dad of my two older kids), because he dropped out of high school (despite being a national merit semifinalist -- which is supposed to be big hoop de doo) has been pushpushpushing my son to excel in school. He wants our son to succeed where he "failed", and brings his own huge, whopping issues about not finishing school and lost opportunities into that relationship. It took the "look, bucko, back off NOW" talk to get him to cool his jets so that my kid could find his way to figuring out his future. I firmly believe that, had he not backed off, my son Gareth would be actively pursuing a future as a fast food manager instead of looking at colleges. (Not that there's anything wrong with fast food management, mind you; I just hate to see anyone who has the potential and interest to do other things to not follow their dreams).

Parenting is just plain hard sometimes. It's hard watching our kids not living up to their full potential, and I know I worry a lot about what kind of future my children will have. But I figure my job is to "wind 'em up and let 'em loose", giving them all the tools, love and support to believe in themselves and follow their bliss. What they do with that is up to them. But that sure as heck doesn't stop me from wishing they'd make certain choices, even while supporting them in finding their OWN way, not MY way.

Congratulations on your weight loss, Zoe. It looks like things are going really well for you. I'm hoping to be on the "other side" by spring or summer of this year.

[whippledaddy 5]

You wake up in the morning. The sunlight through your window warms you not at all, your very soul aches, along with your head. Starved from oxygen your poor head sends fiery spasms of pain around it's circumference at every move.

You're tired. Your limbs are soft lead. You lift them. You get up. You go to the bathroom, and after answering nature you look in the mirror. Yes, you are still you. There is no smile on your face. No flush of morning energy in your cheeks. There is only the pasty face of someone you hate staring back at you.

You're tired. Your body asks for fuel, to energize it. You eat Breakfast, and if it's a healthy one you still hate yourself for eating so much. If it's an unhealthy one you hate yourself for being so weak.

You must face your parents. You love them so. Especially Dad. The greatest guy in the world. Lately you've wanted to rebel, yes, but there is love in your heart. Yet you feel their gaze. You feel the reproach in their eyes. Whether you are face to face, or your back is turned, you feel they aren't looking at you, but at one thing about you.

Everyone looks at that part of you. You know inside that there is so much more to you than what other people see. If they could see the rest of you too. But you're not sure if they can see that. You only know what they can surely see. They can see the same person you see in the mirror each morning. The person you hate most in the whole world. You don't expect anyone to love you, you can't even do that.

When you think that others find you weak, and maybe even lazy. When you feel that the whole world was designed to exclude you because the seats are too small, the clothes are too small, and the jokes are endless, and daily and just not that funny. When you feel that the people who gave you life regret their actions, or, worse yet, blame themselves for your condition (now you've let them down, and they take the rap for not raising you well). When you must spend every second of every day with someone you loathe, your own self.................................

Then it's easy to find a friend in the Second Helping. Then it's easy to take extra comfort in Comfort food. It stops everything for a moment. It takes away the thoughts. The torment in your own mind. The food IS a drug, and anyone who says it's not is skinny.

How many sons have died since 9/11? See the treasure you have in your own house, DAD. Want to help him? Then help him get some self esteem. Feeling he is esteemed by you is the place to start. Don't push him to fight a demon that he finds stronger than himself. Hug him. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him how lucky you are to have him. Tell him that you'll fight the demon with him, just like you did when there were monsters under the bed.

I'm 52, and I never had a child, let alone a son. I envy you. I'll never know what it's like to be called Dad by someone who thinks I'm the greatest. Now, at this age, he needs you more than ever to show him what a man is. Help usher him into manhood. When he's strong in spirit, and does the right thing even when it hurts him, you'll be so proud. And be proud of your son. Be blind to his appearance. Remember this: No morbidly obese person chose that path. Morbid means death. Your son has a deadly disease, but it's a strange one. Not cancer, not MS. Fat. It ain't funny, no matter how many jokes there are. Cherish what you DO have. A wonderful, beautiful boy.

I'll never know the joy of a son. I'll always remember what it was like growing up fat. I envy you, not him.

[DeLarla 22]

The family across the street had 6 children. Five grew up, went to college, became successful, married and had wonderful families. The sixth (3rd son) started an early career as a criminal and spent his youth in and out of Juvenile Hall and entered adulthood in prison. All you can do is your best, the rest is up to him. If you pressure him about getting the band, he'll only abuse it. The band is not a toy, and it takes a lot of hard work to maintain it and keep it safe. He has to want it himself or he'll only hurt himself. If he eats too much/too fast/too often, he'll PB (productive burp similar to vomitting) which can cause the band to slip.

[claraluz 2]

Mark,

As you can see, you've hit a nerve. I'm going to try not to repeat what others have said, but I agree with almost all of it.

What I want to say to you is that the pain and worry you feel for your son came through in what you wrote. I didn't hear you say that you're ashamed of him. I know you love him and are afraid for him. And you're right. He is killing himself. But he is killing himself very, very slowly. He has time to figure out how to manage his weight. I am 50 and have been morbidly obese for most of my adult life. I didn't start having any health problems at all until last year - high cholseterol and borderline diabetes - but both have responded well to the appropriate treatment including diet and exercise and weight loss. So your son has time. A lot of time.

Your son may not let you know it (he may be passively opposing you as a way to resist your pressure to lose weight), but he does not forget for one second of the day that he is morbidly obese. And he wants to be thin. You think he doesn't want it enough? You have no idea. There are so many little things that he cannot physically do. Like bend over. Squat to pick something up. Get out of bed easily. Sit in any chair he wants to. Fasten a seatbelt. Drive without the wheel rubbing against him. Fit in a booth at a restaurant. Pass someone in a corridor. Run to catch the bus. Walk across the room without getting short of breath. Fit in. Be a hunk. Have his pick of girls. You think he doesn't want to be thin?

You are probably right when you say there is a genetic component to his obesity. You and your wife are overweight. You are harming your health just as much as he is harming his. Being even mildly overweight increases your risk factors for diabetes and heart disease. You know this, but so far you haven't been able to change. You and your son have exactly the same disease. He's just got a worse case of it. And I challenge you and your wife both to lose your excess weight and keep it off for five years. If you manage to do that you will be among only 5% of people who can. If you can't manage to do that, then I guess you know it's not just because you don't want it.

Statistically speaking, it is very unlikely that any amount of diet and exercise will help your son in the long run. He may lose weight, but if he is like the rest of us, he will regain it and more very quickly. Diet and exercise can sometimes help those with less weight to lose, but for the morbidly obese, surgery is the recommended treatment by the American Heart Association, the American Medical Association, the Lung Heart and Blood Institute of the NIH and many others.

My parents are dead now. I know that my weight probably worried them sick. And I know they probably ached for me because of the shame and depression and lonliness I suffered because of my obesity. I always loved and respected them so much for not ever saying one word to me about it. They knew I knew I was fat. They knew I knew they knew I was fat. They knew I knew how to eat better and exercise more. And I guess they knew that if they nagged me about it, that would be just one more reason to feel angry and resentful and to calm myself with food. They were so wise, so wise. I'm sorry they never got to see me thin. But I guess wherever they are now, they know.

My heart goes out to you and to your family. I know you are hurting. I pray that all of you will come to the answer that is right for you.

Nancy

[New Hope 37]

Mark, please don't beat yourself up! All any of us can do is love our children with all of our hearts and take care of them with the best of our ability. We want to always protect them. But the reality is they will have to go through certain trials on their own.

Please take your son in for a thorough checkup. Bloodtests, urine, and a blood pressure check is a good place to start. Perhaps an endocronologist can follow up with more specific tests. Is there extreme obesity in you or your wife's sides of the family?

Does your son have a good support system of family and friends? Do his friends feel welcome to come over to your home and "work out" with him regularly? He is very young and at an age when most kids his age are continually eating "junk food". If he's on his own, what will he eat? Junk food.

Does he have things that he excels in. Try to encourage them and help build his self-confidence. Especially non-food related things! Please try to focus on his good qualities. Please realize that he will have to make the decision for himself about his weight. For the lapband (or any weight loss surgery) to work requires the banded person to take full responsibility.

[Guest brandma]

Thanks to all that responded. I really needed to hear these words. Whippledaddy's and Clararuz message really hit home. I just wish I could bear his pain Whippledaddy.

My son Kevin has been checked out and suffers has no physical conditions that are attributing to this condition. I also would never ask him to leave because of his weight. I only thought if he decided to go to college that it might be better situation for him. He has not decided on that yet though.

Thanks again for all the advise, I will truly see and support the Kevin from the inside out so to speak. I am getting out of the business of pushing for change. He is a great son and I am proud of him.

I wish only the best to all of you.

Mark

[Zoe 6]

Thank you for writing back, Mark. Your son is fortunate to have such a supportive father. Please check in with us to let us know how you are both doing. And Vickie, thanks for your kind words. I ate a lot of holiday goodies, but I'm exercising every day and feeling great.

[whippledaddy 5]

And Mark, it sounds like Kevin has a pretty fantastic Dad.