Successful bypass surgery doesn't feel successful

[scott72 7]

I just past 5 months since my gastric bypass surgery. I've currently lost 111lbs. Since I've lost the weight, I feel my life has been turned upside down. What I thought would happen once I lost all this weight...didn't. Most importantly, I thought my relationship with my wife would improve and it's actually gotten worse. Im starting to view people and situations differently. I'm becoming more and more frustrated with my wife's lack of motivation to become healthy. She says she wants to, but finds excuses when it's time to workout or make good food choices. I'm becoming more and more outgoing. Finding something active to do almost on a daily basis. I could go on and on but if you know what I'm talking about and feel the same way...please respond. I've tried talking to others but without going through the process, they can never relate. I'm just looking for someone who can relate. Thank you!

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[MissKay 329]

Please don't think I'm trying to be rude, because that's not my intention. However, I fully believe that you set yourself up to fail if you do WLS for anyone or any reason other than yourself and your health. So in that aspect, if you thought it'd improve your relationship or inspire her, then yeah it likely does feel unsuccessful. On the flip side, if you're healthier (congrats on 111lbs gone!), and you're leading a healthier life, then it is a success. What you can't do with or without this surgery is change someone else and their habits. They have to do that for themselves and when/if they're ready to do it. I can relate on every level. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years, and while he has made healthier choices when I cook for the both of us because well... he's not going to say no to the food. He still makes terrible choices if left to his own free will, or in some cases he'll even try to get me to eat them with him. It's hard, but it took me months to finally accept that I changed my health and happiness, and I can't do that for him. Only he can. Which... he's older, so it's going to catch up to him eventually.

Anyways, I won't lie, I've seen and heard about WLS shining some lights on things they never expected (incompatibilities), but just keep the lines of communication open with her. Express your concern for her health, and that you're ready and willing to help her when she's ready and willing for the help. There's not a whole lot you can do unless you're looking to make serious changes, and that's a whole other ballpark.

[scott72 7]

Thank you for posting. I did it to become healthier. I used to be active(20yrs ago) and I was sick of looking into a mirror knowing that I taking years off my life by living an unhealthy lifestyle. What I didn't count on was how much this lifestyle change would affect me mentally. And as I continue to lose weight, the more difficult it becomes to see others around you not wanting to become healthy as well.

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[HeidiSue2009 48]

I am just curious as to why you felt your wife's relationship with food was going to change when you had the surgery?

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[KaylaWls1216 65]

So many difffent options as allways and infact they are great self question however Im going through this just not so much the same I'm around those daily that make bad choices the person in my life I love make bad choices however I allow them to do what best for them and I do what's best for me staying forcuss only person I make follow this plan and daily activities is my child she two I did it for myself and her other ppl boyfriend he can do whatever I just pray one day he realize how he's only hurting himself moral of this just forcuss on you I hate to be that girl to say it but you made this decision put your self frist

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[scott72 7]

I think I may be able to clarify something. Went I went into this process, my only goal was to A) get healthy and become active, and I hated the person I was and wanted to change. I never looked i to a mirror. I had no self-confidence. I had the mentality of an outgoing person, but I had to take anxiety meds if I was going somewhere where there would be a lot of people because all I could think about is everyone was probably looking at me abd saying....omg...he's so overweight! Those are the reasons why I had the surgery. I never expected that once the surgery took place and I started losi g all this weight, me....the NO self esteem...shy..."food is my best friend" person, would start to disappear and in it's place thiese new feelings would start to grow. My self esteem is through the roof. I am so outgoing...I talk to everyone. And I do something active on a daily basis. food no longer runs my life and I have adopted a healthy and active lifestyle. So I have made alot of changes in my life in less than a year. Others in my life haven't. Normally I would say, "ok...it's fine...to each their own". But now I have new priorities. The dynamic has changed in my relationship and I wasn't prepared for this. This is my struggle. I so very much want to be able to just let it go, but I don't k ow if I can. I feel guilty. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless.

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[James Marusek 5,244]

To put it bluntly, the reason why you had the surgery was to lose weight (which you had done because you lost 111 pounds) and to get your health back from the brink. So generally I would say you were successful.

One of the problems is your new relationship with other people. My wife was the one who suggested the surgery in the first place. She is normal weight and supportive. But many family members around me are not. My brothers and sisters almost refuse to talk with me. They are overweight and have health issues. I represent a success story, something they could strive to achieve but they do not want to change that badly, so they just avoid me and definitely do not want to talk about my surgery. Perhaps in time they will do an about face, but they are grown people who make their own decisions.

[Victoria Bontempi 14]

I can't relate, not in a relationship, but I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.

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[daisy63 36]

My mother used to say..there is nothing worse than a reformed smoker or eater....seems to me you should focus on yourself and lets the others live their own life. If they want your advise they will seek it. We can't force others to "see the light". Just my 2 cents.

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[goshesgaunt 15]

I've not had the surgery yet ( hopefully in April) but from what I hear, your situation is very common. It puts a strain on marriages and relationships.

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[MissKay 329]

@@scott72 thank you for the clarification! O just didn't want to assume that's what you meant. I agree, it's more common than people realize. Being overweight and losing the weight changes us mentally just as it does physically. Sometimes the friendships and relationships suffer because you're now a different person (more like you were anyways this person but put on a facade before). I understand the feelings of guilt, but sadly it's a part of changing and life. It doesn't mean you love her any less or that you're a bad person. It just means that you're living your true self now and that true self may not be compatible with her. It's not an easy concept to swallow and what you do about it is up to you. I just urge you to communicate with her because otherwise it'll make things way more difficult.

[HB76356 122]

Sometimes people can feel threatened by the change they see in you. They don't know if they can have the same success. It can create insecurity and even lead to sabotage.

I started trying to lose weight on my own (and had some success, just nowhere near fast enough), my ex was fine until I really started making headway.

You know what I got for my birthday that year... A deep fryer.

WTF!? LOL

You can't make people be ready for change when you are. Just work toward the best you.

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[Cindi_Augustine 99]

On 2/5/2017 at 8:07 PM, HB76356 said:

Sometimes people can feel threatened by the change they see in you. They don't know if they can have the same success. It can create insecurity and even lead to sabotage.

Absolutely true. You are becoming more fit and healthy and as your spouse sees that it can create a dynamic shift as they become the less fit one. This can cause jealousy, anxiety, and a temptation to sabotage. They may be completely unaware of it, and bringing them to awareness can be tricky. Counselling is never a bad idea. If you can get your spouse to couple's counselling it would really help, but if they won't go then go yourself. The more you understand about yourself and your relationship the better decisions you can make.

Best of luck!