Conflicted feelings about losing weight and sudden change in how others treat me

[Heather I 500]

So, I am down 55ish, and I had two run-ins with men I see probably quarterly. Both were appropriate in terms of not making a pass at me (both married, as am I,) but one made a comment how different I look, and he turned the conversation to would he ever have had a chance with me 20 years ago if we met then, ha-ha? I was thunderstruck and demurred and changed the topic.

The other man normally can barely make a grunted hello to me when I pop by to see his wife. I went to drop off baby gear to him and his wife for their granddaughter, and all of a sudden he's chatting my ear off, invited me in for coffee (I was chatting on the front step.) He was totally fine ad appropriate, but it was a marked change in behavior with me from before WLS.

I haven't told many people about my surgery, so I'm just shrinking in front of them as they see me quarterly.

I guess I'm just very conflicted about this and don't know how to feel. I'm kind of bitter -- not that I want to be hit on by married men that I have zero interest in starting anything with -- more so that I am now worthy to be chatted up, you know?

I have always been an exuberant extrovert, so it's not that I now have amazing confidence and was a wallflower before. I will definitely cop to dressing better and grooming (hair/makeup/nails) are now done 95% of the time -- but my kids are now 3 and 4, and I'm also not in the trenches of toddlerhood, either.

IDK. I have a long way to go to get to my last-skinniest weight of 183, when I felt like a million bucks and knew I looked really good. I was single then though, and looking/dating.

Guess I'm rambling, but a little weirded out and, like I say, bitter that now I'm worthy to be talked to or you have an interest in what I have to say? Didn't expect to be conflicted about this, but I am.

[White Sale 339]

People judge others by appearance - I know I do, especially at first. Men and women do it equally, but I think women are a little more careful about keeping it to themselves. Fat people are one of the "safest" groups to discriminate against. Even though you're the same on the inside, your looks have changed. The best people, in my opinion, are the ones who were as open to getting to you know when you were heavy as they are now.

I've not lost enough weight to experience what you have. I'm accustomed to being completely invisible, so the thought of getting attention, to me, is quite intimidating.

There are some great videos on YouTube about WLS, relationships, and being treated differently. Things like having others hold doors open, flirt, look you in the eye, or even getting promotions at work after weight loss. It's just such a deep part of the culture.

I imagine that it is hard not to take it personally, though. I know I'd be bitter!

Don't let such shallow people ruin your day; they're not worth your time, energy, or emotions.

Congrats on getting rid of those 55 pounds!

[MowryRocks 679]

I wouldn't be weirded out by it. I thought this was going to be a huge issue for me as well. I wanted to remember all the people who didn't accept me before so that I wouldn't be taken in by them once I lost weight. Let's face it, fat is uncomfortable for everyone and now that I have less of it, I'm less uncomfortable than I was in MANY ways.

I'm more forward. I project more of an optimism on life than I did before, so people do react differently because I am different. I am extroverted in certain situations and I have always been considered "fun", but people pick up on the "happy" more now than before. Happy is attractive.

I always say question everything, but base your answers on more than one experience.

[Minimel 45]

I agree our attitudes have a lot to do with it but I can't help be a little pissed off when someone says "now you can date again". I must have been horribly undeserving when I was fatter. But...it is an ego booster when the vet walks into your cat's appointment and says "wow, you're pretty- I mean that's a pretty sweater"

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[elliekay 189]

I've been running into this issue a lot lately... it kind of grosses me out how much nicer people are now that I'm smaller (and I'm still big--probably a 14 or 16 in pants) but at least with most people it's subtle. I saw a guy I went to high school with a couple weeks ago and he had the gall to say something along the lines of, "You had a cool personality before but now you're hot so you're actually worth talking to now." I've never been nearly as hurt by anything anyone said to me at my fattest as I was by that. Stuff like that makes it hard for me to feel great talking to new people--I'm always wondering if they would be talking to me the same way if I was still 300lbs. I dunno. It's a weird, unique experience and I think it's ok to be bitter/upset about it.

[triplethreat 257]

I'm quite introverted but am very friendly (introverted yes, shy, no way!). I have been married a long time and my husband is a very attractive, very fit guy who married me when I was a size 12 and stayed crazy about me when I was a size 20. For a decade -- when I was obese-- I watched women flirt with him as if I was invisible; at restaurants, malls, the gym...what I notice now is that it doesn't happen anymore. Some men are friendlier or a little flirty but overall the process of wls has reinforced to me how prejudiced we are towards the obese.

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[Heather I 500]

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this. I'm in 16s, so hardly model-size, but I'm a little nervous about getting into truly smaller category. I want it to happen, but I have never been under a size 12/14 in my adult life, so this would be really new territory for me in terms of attention and people "discovering" that I have a personality and a pulse now that I'm not heavy.