Sabotaging myself?

[Hoping052017 97]

Hi all. So, I don't know what's wrong with me, but going to see a shrink tomorrow that hopefully understands my mental state.

I started my 6 month pre-op on 11/3/2016. I was 278 with a bmi of 51. Today I'm 264. So, I've lost 14 pounds according to my scale, which is what my RD said I needed to lose before my surgery, but I seem to keep either allowing myself to be sabotaged by my family or sabotage myself by giving in to my depression eating. My mind just says I don't care anymore. I hate it. I'm on 300mg of bupropion (generic for welbutrin) for my depression. It doesn't do squat for my depression, but it makes me not feel hungry though I eat anyway. About the only time I actually know I'm hungry is my stomach starts making noise growling at me.

I know I'm the only one that can make me happy. I know this. But in all these years I all have yet to figure out what actually makes me happy that doesn't depend on someone else being part of the equation. I mean I love love LOVE to cook and bake, but only for other people. Well, actually i love to bake for me too, but I'm not supposed to eat that stuff anymore. And usually what I love to cook is stuff that they like to eat...not what I like. Of course what I like I'm not supposed to eat anymore. Biscuits and gravy, quiche, pizza, steak and potatoes, lasagna. I know there's low carb options for most of what I love, like eggplant and zucchini lasagna, mashed "potatoes" made with cauliflower, crustless zucchini quiche. I found out that coconut oil is so much tastier than butter in baking, but I'm not sure about the calorie difference in the two.

I don't know why I can go maybe a month or two on any diet and lose weight, go down pants and dress sizes, have people notice my progress, and then start sneaking sweets or start on a mass baking spree making cakes, Cookies, cupcakes (and sampling everything over and over)and end up either stop losing weight, or worse...gaining the weight I've lost all back.

I've been overweight my entire life. I have no pictures at all, even as a child, of me "skinny". The closest I've ever come to skinnyness I was still a good 35-50 pounds overweight. I think I'm scared of not recognizing myself in the mirror afterwards. Am I the only one with this completely irrational fear?

Sorry for the long post. Pretty much just needed to voice what was in my heart and mind. Thanks for listening.

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[savyourdvine1 110]

Please get help before the surgery. It would be very dangerous to sabotage especially in your beginning months.

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[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

What she ^^^^ said. When you go to the Shrink.... the most important thing is to be completely honest with He/she and with yourself.

Quite a few years ago i wrote a letter to my self.... saying how i felt about me and my life. It help me and still does. So every so often i go back and read it to remind myself where i was, where i am and where i want to be

[fatontheinside 92]

@@Hoping052017

if you don't change your mind...no amount of surgery will help you with the weight. My biggest struggle is sweet things and even though I'm 1.5 years out, I have the daily thought of "Oh EM Gee, I would LOVE a cupcake" but I have enough willpower to say no... even with the surgery I can eat a cupcake. It might take me ALL day to do it but I can do it. This surgery is only a tool but you must know how to use that tool to make it work.

I wish you the best of luck!!!

[shedo82773 1,236]

As was said above Our surgery is a TOOL, you still have to do the work it doesn't do ot all. You have to work on it. As far as losing and gaining isn't that pretty much what we all do? That is why we finally seek out help. Our minds play such a HUGE part of our journey's. If you do a poll of why people finally seek out WLS I'll bet most of us can loose the weight and have many many times before. It is the MAINTANCE that we can not do!! So please please speak of all of this when you go in for counseling. Get your head on straight so your journey can and will be sucessful. As far as your baking and cooking goes, you might need to curb that for awhile because each day makes you stronger than the last. You feel like there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. Good Luck and if you need to talk I'm here!! Not sure if I will have the anwser's but we can chat if you want.

[Hoping052017 97]

Thank you all. I am seeing a therapist tomorrow morning and going to talk to him about the surgery and other stuff. I appreciate the advice and I do know i need help. That's why I'm seeking it now rather than later. I want this surgery to be successful.

Now to get my mother to stop with the "Let's have tuna noodle casserole for dinner" or "Tomorrow night for dinner, let's have chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, and corn! Doesn't that sound good?!" OMG! Really mom? And I wonder why I keep sabotaging myself?!

[Torriluv87 300]

My mom is like that too. I just stand there and look at her until she remembers. She is always worried i haven't eaten or something and is always pushing food on me. Happens any time im on any diet or "way of life" change. I'll say im becoming vegetarian and come home to smothered pork chops or a whole ham or some delicious meat that i love. I dont know that it's completely to derail me but it certainly is conveniently timed ????

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[Redmaxx 740]

Good luck to you. It is better to get the help now than to try and sweep the issue under the rug.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Redmaxx

[Armygalbonnie 643]

Some people deal with chronic depression their entire life. It's truly a chemical imbalance and a brain-thing. It doesn't sound like the Welbutrin works well enough for you. Hopefully your Dr will consider changing your meds. If you can't get the chemicals right in your brain, it's hard to control any other part of your life. I really wish you the best.

[savyourdvine1 110]

It's important to set bounderies, that people may understand when/before they've crossed the line. The purpose of bounderies is to help people to respect your choices in life concerning you. That's not to say be harsh, which is what we as a people have a tendency to do when we let people push us to our limits. Bounderies will help you avoid being pushed period, and consequently not leaving you in a state of reqret for angry words said. Your bonderies will affect those that are close(mom, sister and so on) as well as haters and new people. Example: Mom I know you don't agree with this surgery, and please know I understand your love for me is concerned about something going wrong. That's what moms do, so your feelings are in tact. However, I need you and I to agree to disagree about this and go on from here. Take this time to trust what you've taught me in my life will produce good decisions.... Peaceful conversation more than not will bring a greater bond and a awesome support team.

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[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

@@Hoping052017 i would suggest you cook for yourself. This way YOU control what you eat. Another thing... Do you go to support meetings? If you do... Take her with you. This way she can see what your dealing with. If not, find one and go... You need to see in person the possibilities that are there for you.

I would bet your mom and possibly dad and siblings are heavy as well. they may not want you to lose. They want you to stay fat... Just like them. Reason, because when they see your achievements, to them it a slap in the face to their failures. Does that make since? It's just like your fat friends, they don't wont you too lose, they want to keep you a member of the Herd. You losing weight makes them have to look at them selves and their failures. And your skinny friend, well they will fear you too.... once you start losing the weight, you will now become competition to them... they will no longer be the only "skinny" girl.. you will be too.

You have to do this.... NO one else can but you....

[Cindi_Augustine 99]

Congratulations on facing this head-on and seeking help! ::applauds::

Sugar, salt, and fats have now been proven to affect the brain and are as addictive as tobacco and drugs, according to recent studies. There are some great documentaries and books out there.

Depression is commonly self-medicated with food, so when people diet they may experience more symptoms. A good doctor, and a good therapist, will help you find other ways to deal with depression and food will no longer make you feel powerless over it. Together with this surgery you'll have the tools you need to lose it AND keep it off.

Best of luck, and let us know how you're doing!! We can help too!

[Pazza 199]

It can be a lot to figure out and it is wonderful you recognize and are getting help.

Remember to give yourself time.

All the best!