Insecure Spouse

[brandda 0]

Most of the responses here are from ladies. As a guy, I have a somewhat different perspective. Sounds to me like there are codependency issues here that need to be resolved and the band is just the catalyst that is bringing them to the surface.

My take with my wife has always been that it is my job to make sure that I'm a strong, capable guy who she would want to be with. If she chooses someone else, then I did not do my job. The idea of me asking her to make herself worse/uglier/unhealthier/dumber/whatever so that I can "keep up" is absurd.

I know this won't be popular but I think he needs a good kick in the behind to knock him out of his complacency and make him stop whining.

[PrettyBrownEyez 0]

A'MEN!!!!!!!!!!

[Daisalana 33]

Hehe, that's true.

My husband was just the opposite, he doesn't like fat girls, but somehow we ended up together. I think he's oblivious, cause he'll still point out fat people and make comments to me, like I'm not standing there beside him with 100lb+ excess weight.

When our doctor talked about the statistics of couples he's done surgery on, and their divorce rate, he asked if we had any issues.. I said no, and my husband said no.

Later on, I was joking with him and said "So, you're not afraid I'll leave you for someone else when I'm all skinny?" and he said something about if that was my plan, I may as well do it now.

That was that. I guess I'm lucky in the sense that he doesn't get jealous of me, no matter how flirty I am. He knows where I butter my bread!

[nessa3678 0]

Men have insecurities just as well as woman. Does this make them bad husbands? No!

I can understand where my husband is coming from. He is not in the best shape right now and does not qualify for LapBand because he isn't 100+. He needs to lose about 60lbs. What he is feeling to me, is normal and I think if the shoe were on the other foot I would be feeling the same. I am not happy at all with myself right now and if he were to be losing a lot of weight I know it would make me nervous that he will find some skinny, cute chick. That's all I can do is assure him that I am not going anywhere and maybe once I start the lose the weight it will motivate him to start droping some pounds as well.

[Daisalana 33]

You don't *have* to be 100lbs overweight, unless that's what insurance told you.

I think as time goes on, he'll feel comfortable with it.

My husband doesn't even notice the weightloss, till I show him pics, since he lives with me.

[nessa3678 0]

Laura - For my insurance to cover you have to be 100lbs over weight or have 3 or more medical conditions that they list. Well, he isn't 100lbs overwieght and he doesn't have any medical conditions. I think, just like you say, the more he gets used to me losing the weight the better he will feel. I am going to motivate him to lose the extra weight while I am losing it as well!

[Angie68 0]

Men have insecurities just as well as woman. Does this make them bad husbands? No!

I can understand where my husband is coming from. He is not in the best shape right now and does not qualify for LapBand because he isn't 100+. He needs to lose about 60lbs. What he is feeling to me, is normal and I think if the shoe were on the other foot I would be feeling the same. I am not happy at all with myself right now and if he were to be losing a lot of weight I know it would make me nervous that he will find some skinny, cute chick. That's all I can do is assure him that I am not going anywhere and maybe once I start the lose the weight it will motivate him to start droping some pounds as well.

Nessa I agree with you. I am terribly insecure right now so I cant give my husband any flack if he is too. My husband is quite handsome and a little stocky. He is not fat by any means. We have been married for 15 years and he has never given me any reason to believe he has or would stray. But I still cant help but feel insecure in my 290 lb body! Deep inside me I do worry that he will become attracted to a cute little thing at work. I am terrified of meeting any of his friends at work. I just know when they see me they are shocked that I am his wife. My husband keeps stressing that I better not be doing this surgery for him because he loves me just the way I am. I am doing it for me and my health, that is true. But I am looking forward to feeling compatible and not being ashamed to be seen with him. Even when we go into a restaurant I just know people are thinking, "what is he doing with her?"

My husband has really been supportive of me. My first consult is next week and it will take 3 hrs. I told him that I could go alone. He will not have it. It is 2 hrs away and he doesnt want me going alone. He is taking the day off and taking me. We know of 3 women who had gastric bypass that went totally nuts after they lost the weight. They decided that they were just too good for their husbands and went off to look for greener pastures. So it does happen.

[BlooEyez 13]

Nessa I agree with you. I am terribly insecure right now so I cant give my husband any flack if he is too. My husband is quite handsome and a little stocky. He is not fat by any means. We have been married for 15 years and he has never given me any reason to believe he has or would stray. But I still cant help but feel insecure in my 290 lb body! Deep inside me I do worry that he will become attracted to a cute little thing at work. I am terrified of meeting any of his friends at work. I just know when they see me they are shocked that I am his wife. My husband keeps stressing that I better not be doing this surgery for him because he loves me just the way I am. I am doing it for me and my health, that is true. But I am looking forward to feeling compatible and not being ashamed to be seen with him. Even when we go into a restaurant I just know people are thinking, "what is he doing with her?"

Wow, I read that and it was just as if I had written it myself! :omg:

My husband was supportive in the beginning, well, he was pretending to be! When I first discovered the Lap Band procedure a little over a year ago I knew that it was what I NEEDED to do, it was my last hope! Unfortunately I don't have medical insurance, and when I found out it was costing $12-$20 thousand in the states, my hopes quickly diminished. My husband consoled me and told me not to worry, we'd figure something out yadda yadda yadda ...

Then I discovered the option of going to Mexico, and he was still supportive ... even said he would go down with me when I had it done.

So fast forward to this past June, I decided it was time and I called and scheduled my surgery. When I told my husband that night, he did a complete 180. He was furious, he told me I was selfish for having an elective surgery, putting my life in danger and risking the chance of leaving my children without a Mother. He then tried using scare tactics ... told me I would likely be robbed or even kidnapped while I was in Mexico blah blah blah ...

I asked him where the heck all this was coming from?? He had been so supportive! And ya know what he told me? He was just pretending to support me in order to keep me happy ... he didn't think my having the surgery would ever become a reality. He wanted me to cancel it, I refused!

The morning that I left for Mexico, he hugged me as I was leaving and he whispered into my ear that I better come home safe or he'd never forgive me ... however, when I did return home and for the first month afterwards he refused to speak to me and slept on the couch. He was mean, rude, told me I took the "easy way out" and even went as far as trying to sabotage my progress because he wanted me to fail!

All of this he did because he was scared ... afraid that I'll leave him for someone else. He thought that since he loves me the way I am, I should be happy & content with that ... well, I'm not! My surgery brought out alot of insecurities that I had no clue even existed! But as far as I'm concerned, those are his problem and he needs to deal with them on his own. I've told him over & over that I'm not trying to get someone else's attention, and that I have no desire to leave him for someone else ... I just want to feel good about myself, for like the first time EVER! I want to feel comfortable in my own skin (even if it ends up sagging just a bit) and most of all, I wanna be HAPPY!

He's OK with everything now ... he's taken it upon himself to shed a few lbs too, and he bought me an elliptical last weekend! :whoo:

So to those who are having problems with the hubbies & boyfriends feeling all insecure and whatnot, hang in there! If my stubborn, hard headed husband can eventually come around, so can yours! :confused:

[brandda 0]

I think I must be too simple for all of this complicated psychological stuff.

Why in the world would I not want my wife to be healthy and happy and why in the world would she not want the same for me? If I was really worried that she would get thin and beautiful and attract attention then I guess I would have to get off my butt and make myself more attractive to her. Anything else is whining laziness.

It sounds to me (admittedly with minimal information) like the women mentioned above felt while they were heavy that they had no choice but to be married to losers. Then, when they weren't heavy anymore, they realized that they did in fact have choices and did not have to put up with it so they took off. The job of the husband then is not whine and cry and hold them back but rather to get off their lazy butts and stop being a loser.

I still say these folks with the head issues need a good swift kick in the rear, but I'm a mean old cuss who is clearly out of step with our Prozac oriented society.

Let the flaming begin! :confused:

[brandda 0]

BTW - If my previous thread was not enough to get me a ton of hate mail, I'll add a point.

Someone said that it was OK for men to have insecurities just like women. HORSE HOCKEY! I'm sick of all this touchy feely, overly PC silliness that has crept into society.

Men are supposed to suck it up and do the right thing regardless of any "feelings" they may have. It's one of the fundamental differences between men and women. Women are allowed to feel about things. Men have to shut up, quit whining and get the job done because the world doesn't care about how they feel. It only cares about what they do.

Yup, that should just about do it.

[OH Juli 15]

BTW - If my previous thread was not enough to get me a ton of hate mail, I'll add a point.

Someone said that it was OK for men to have insecurities just like women. HORSE HOCKEY! I'm sick of all this touchy feely, overly PC silliness that has crept into society.

Men are supposed to suck it up and do the right thing regardless of any "feelings" they may have. It's one of the fundamental differences between men and women. Women are allowed to feel about things. Men have to shut up, quit whining and get the job done because the world doesn't care about how they feel. It only cares about what they do.

Yup, that should just about do it.

I think you are wrong, wrong, wrong.

Women need to shup up, quit whining, quit making excuses and get the work done too, because no one, NO ONE can do your work for you.

You can feel all you want but at the end of the day your gender doesn't qualify you to sit, wringing your hands, crying "oh dear that hurt my feelings", etc. At the end of the day everyone goes to sleep alone in their skin and are responsible for their actions... I don't care if you are a woman or a man.

[brandda 0]

Wow - Not the response I was expecting.

OH Juli - I actually agree with you in theory, but what I see in practice is that people are willing to tolerate more emotionalism from women than from men. Believe me, no one would be happier than me if that were not the case. It would make my life inifinitely simpler.

[OH Juli 15]

I thought I'd take you by surprise. But really, it took me nearly 37 years to stop making excuses for why my life isn't what I wanted it to be. I shut the hell up and started making the really hard changes it is taking to get that life.

The flip side of girls being allowed to be emotional is that they are taught to smile through a bunch of shit when boys are taught they are allowed to call people on their shit....a different topic to be sure....but I'm done letting women off the hook. Boo hoo, I get my way.

Doesn't work for me.

[brandda 0]

Good for you!