Insecure Spouse

[nessa3678 0]

I am to be banded on November 1st and my husband had been very supportive. When I first looked into be being banded my insurance did not cover it. I decided at that time I could not afford another loan. It's been a year since then and my husband and I were discussing the possibilty of taking out a loan again. I called the local surgery center and they ran my insurance. To my surprise BCBSF is now covering lapband. I was very excited and booked my first consultation. Now that the date is getting closer my husband has been making comments towards me about it. He will say things to dicourage me and then make comments that I will leave him when I lose the weight. He was really supportive in the begining and was just as excited as me. Now, I he is becoming very insecure, defensive and worried that I am going to up and leave for some hot, new guy! I keep telling him that I am not having this surgery to start my life all over. I am doing this so I can enjoy the life that I have. Have any of your husbands/wives felt this way? How do I convince him that I am not going anywhere. We have been married for 3 years, have a 2 year old daughter and great family so I don't know where he is getting this from. Thanks!

Vanessa

[Wendell Edwards 73]

I am to be banded on November 1st and my husband had been very supportive. When I first looked into be being banded my insurance did not cover it. I decided at that time I could not afford another loan. It's been a year since then and my husband and I were discussing the possibilty of taking out a loan again. I called the local surgery center and they ran my insurance. To my surprise BCBSF is now covering lapband. I was very excited and booked my first consultation. Now that the date is getting closer my husband has been making comments towards me about it. He will say things to dicourage me and then make comments that I will leave him when I lose the weight. He was really supportive in the begining and was just as excited as me. Now, I he is becoming very insecure, defensive and worried that I am going to up and leave for some hot, new guy! I keep telling him that I am not having this surgery to start my life all over. I am doing this so I can enjoy the life that I have. Have any of your husbands/wives felt this way? How do I convince him that I am not going anywhere. We have been married for 3 years, have a 2 year old daughter and great family so I don't know where he is getting this from. Thanks!

Vanessa

Some hubbys freak out when their wives decide to get a Lap-Band.

I believe this stems from a couple of different issues.

Change is a scary thing for most people, and their wife is announcing that they are going to change. That freaks guys out.

Most men are interested in the "Why" of things, and when the wife announces they are changing, men wonder "Why"?

A lot of men think that they are the reason WHY their wives are changing, and they decide that their wife must want a different man.

See, guys think of stuff like this:

Their wife has a body that is like a car, and if she is going to turn that "Car" into a "Hot-Rod" then she MUST want to go "Racing". (Presumably with ANOTHER "Driver")

So guys freak out. They think that their wives are dissatisfied with their marriages and that they are planning on losing weight to attract another man.

I know that in most cases this is not the truth.

But a WHOLE LOT of men don't know that!

So if your hubby is freaking out because of you wanting a Lap-Band, you may want to assure him that you want to do this for whatever reason, and remind him that you are NOT looking to leave him for another guy.

[Daisalana 33]

Try explaining why you wanted this, in your relationship together.

So you can do xxx together, etc. So you're more active for your family, etc.

Focus on what the weightloss will mean for ALL of you.. Not just, ho hum I'm going to get skinny!

[Darragha 0]

My husband, too, has made comments about my "leaving him for someone else" after I achieve a more normal weight. As if! I love him so completely I can't imagine being with anyone else. I just try to remind him every day how much I love and appreciate him.

My daughter is thrilled that I'll be saddling up with her and going trail riding next year. Our little Arabian gelding is too small for me right now. I look forward to doing all kinds of wonderful activities with my teenager! And my husband!

Darr

[hope36ca 0]

I too hhave been feeling this from my husband. I'm do to be banded in two weeks and I can tell he is feeling insecure. I tell him every day that I love him and need him and this will be for both of us. I've even used the old "babe just think of the great sex we can have when I'm all bendy and flexible ...lol. I know it's something we are just going to have to walk through daily. It will be a life change for me and him. Is there a support group here for spouses of banders???

Hope

[nessa3678 0]

I try to remind him everyday that I love him and how wonderful our life is going to be once I've lost the weight. We were talking the other day about getting bikes and riding the bike trail. I would NEVER put myself on a bike right now but by spring of next year I am sure I will feel differnt about that. I've also mentioned that sex would be better as well. He knows that I am not comfortable with myself and because of that my sex drive in pretty much non-existant. I've told me several times that once I start feeling better about myself I am sure that it will increase and of course all those differnt positions I will be able to get into. lol I guess that's all I can do is just reassure him over and over again that I love him and that I am doing this for us, our family, not just me.

[Angie68 0]

I am just going to a group consult on Oct 4th and my husband has started making comments. Most of the time he is very supportive, but every once in a while I get a "you are going to get all skinny and then you wont want me." He keeps asking me if I am doing this for him and if he has made me feel like I need to lose the weight for him. He said that he loves me just the way I am and does not want me to do it for him. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is the one and only person on this earth that doesnt make me feel sloppy fat. I am doing this for me. It is about 30% vanity and 70% about feeling better. I have got to start feeling better. Another man doesnt fit into the equation at all!

[LadyBlue 0]

Sometimes it helps if you "reverse the psychology" on him. By that I mean -- let him know :

"how could I NOT want you, babe? I don't want YOU to be turned off and find someone else. I want to make sure I look and feel sexy for YOU. I also want to be healthy so we can maintain our fantastic sex life well into our older years, which will be even more fantastic after I've lost weight because I'll FEEL more sexy!!!! I also want to be around for a long time and I have to be healthy to do that. It's not just for me, babe -- it's for you and the kids, too."

Just a thought -- hope it all works out for you!

[rroswelltx 1]

My hubby said the same thing before my surgery. "Your gonna get skinny then kick my fat butt to the curb", I used all those lines from above to try and re-assure him. I knew it had a lot to do whith his insecurities about his weight. As the weight started to drop off I was getting compliments from EVERYONE EXCEPT HIM! It really hurt me. I finally set him down and told him that "everyone in the world can tell me how great I look, but none mean as much to me as if you were saying it". He told me that he was proud of me but was afraid if he encouraged me to lose more weight it only showed him that he was a failure at his own weight issue's. Now after 1 1/2 years he is now trying to lose weight for himself, he has lost 75lbs and teases he is gonna catch up with me. Things are much better but it took a long time and he hurt me a lot by his lack of support. You just have to try and stay focused that it is not about you it's all about their insecurities and even when your hurt try to continue to re-assure them. Men can be babies we all know that. Good luck on all of your upcoming surgeries, and I wish you all much success.

[PrettyBrownEyez 0]

My husband feels the exact same way. At first, I thought he was alittle insecure but after I was banded on this past Thursday...he is really starting to let his ways show. Just last night he told our daughter that hes starting a diet so that he could keep up with Mommy. OKAAAAAY! :omg: Then he has even made little comments that I'm going to look sick being small or look like I have a big head and alittle body like Al Roker. WOW!!! I did this surgery for my children...want to be around long enough to see them grow up. But that only motivates me to really exercise...there is nothing I can do about his insecurities....and I'm not gaining my weight back to make him feel comfortable.

[rroswelltx 1]

AMEN sista!

[PrettyBrownEyez 0]

LOL!!! Iknow with a great support system, we can do this weight loss thing. I'm so glad that I joined this website.

[lainee 0]

I JUST JOINED HIS SITE LAST WEEK AND AM SOOOO GLAD I DID:clap2:I HAVE FOUND LOTS OF HELPL INFO AND SUPPORT ON HERE. IT,S GOOD TO SEE HOW OTHER PEOPLES HUSBANDS ARE COPING WITH THEIR WIVES BANDING. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN VERY SUPPORTIVE DURING THIS JOURNEY, HOWEVER IN THE PAST WHEN I HAVE LOST WEIGHT AND SOMETIMES THAT WAS A LOT OF WEIGHT HE SAID I WOULD LEAVE HIM WHEN I GOT THIN BUT NOT IN A NASTY WAY HE WAS JUST FEELING INSECURE. I PUT THE POUNDS BACK ON AND THEY BROUGHT A LOT OF FRIENDS WITH THEM... LOL SO IT WILL BE INTERESTING TO SEE HOW HE REACTS THIS TIME WHEN I KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF FOR GOODL

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE AND KEEP REMINDING YOUR HUBBYS THIS WILL BENEFIT THEM SOOOO MUCH HAVING A HAPPY HEALTHY SEXY WIFE TELL THEM IT WILL BE LIKE THEY GOT A NEW WIFE,,LOL A NEW IMPROVED MODEL:kiss2:

[nessa3678 0]

Thank you all for your replies! I'm glad that I am not the only one out there going through the same thing. I think deep down he knows that I am not going anywhere. I guess the fact that I was overweight when we met, got married and had a baby he trying to understand how it's going to be like with a slimmer me. I had a talk with him last night and told him that he didn't have to worry about be going anywhere. I told him of my exact plans and we had a really good talk. I think he is feeling much better about things.

[Marimaru 7]

"Sweety, you loved me when we met, you love me now at my highest weight ever, and you'll love me then. Why would I give the time of day to some guy who's interested in me when I'm skinny when you've loved me the whole time?"

That's what I said to my then boyfriend (now husband) when he finally let it spill that he was nervous that I'd leave him. He'd gotten all distant and we were arguing a lot shortly after my surgery and I sat him down and told him to spit out whatever was on his mind because he was driving me nuts!