Five years ago today...

[Writergirl 230]

The statistics were against me. I went to the hospital completely unsure if I would have the courage to go through with my surgery, and terrified I would die. No one... I promise you, NO ONE, ever wanted to have bariatric surgery less than I. I was an emotional food addict whose life had shrunk so much that food was my entire social life. I weighed 367.8 pounds, had out of control diabetes, and could no longer walk across my own kitchen on most days. I needed both knees replaced and my doctor refused to do it until I lost a lot of weight.

The night before my surgery I was alone in the house and I sobbed a funeral dirge for my best friend, food. I was certain I would lose my mind without it.

My friends, are you hesitating?? Struggling? Regretting?? If you can stay with me, read on.

I will tell you that after the first month there hasn't been one day in five years that I haven't thought, "I never could have done this before."

My journey has been difficult, and you will have your struggles, too. The first year, I cared for and buried my beloved sister--my "person" in this world--who died in my arms. The second year, I had my right knee replaced. The third year, my left knee. My weight loss stalled, but I never gave up. The fourth year, my father died and right afterwards, my husband almost died and needed months of nursing.

I didn't tell you all that to whine. I told you in order to try to put some context to my life, because in spite of all that sorrow and pain, I am filled with joy. I have taken back my life, and you can, too.

When I came out of my surgery, I vowed that having taken the drastic step of altering my body, I was going to be all in. I have honored that vow.

I had to learn to walk again. Now I am a landscape, wedding and portrait photographer.

I had to accept that I couldn't go on vacation and eat like the old me without gaining back weight it took me months to lose. Now I usually drop a couple of pounds on vacation, and I have one thing every day that I really want. To eat, that is!! I get to have experiences instead of food now!

I had to accept that carbs are not part of my daily eating. But I have learned to actually prefer zucchini spaghetti!!

Most importantly, I learned that no one will ever abuse me again. And that includes me.

I learned that emotional eating may feel like self care, but it is self destruction, and self destruction and self preservation can never exist side by side.

Last year, I photographed the cliffs of Maine, the mountains of West Virginia (going by rope down to the waterfalls), beaches in the Carolinas, and so many other things. (Check out my stuff at mlwolfephotos.com if you are inclined!).

I could babble on and on...

Today, I am at my lowest weight in 34 years. I have not met my weight loss goal. I'm still just over 200 pounds--a weight many people begin this journey at!! It may take me a year, but I'll get there.

On January 1st I turned 60, and I cried. A lot. I didn't cry because I was 60. I cried because I wasted so many years... My 30s... My 40s...half my 50s. I cannot get them back. But I have what's left, and I will cherish each breath.

So, I lost much of my stomach. I lost 153 pounds. I gained the world.

I wish that for each and every one of you! May you work to make all your dreams come true!

Attaching a few pics, not just of what I look(ed) like, but of who I am!!!

[biginjapan 647]

Wow - you have some really beautiful photos, and your story is an inspiration to all who are nervous about getting this done. We all only have one life to live - as many people have said throughout the years, it's not the things that you did do that you'll regret, it's the things you didn't do. I'm having my surgery done two weeks from tomorrow, and while I wished I had done it earlier, I'm going to live my life to the fullest from this point onwards.

[Writergirl 230]

Wow - you have some really beautiful photos, and your story is an inspiration to all who are nervous about getting this done. We all only have one life to live - as many people have said throughout the years, it's not the things that you did do that you'll regret, it's the things you didn't do. I'm having my surgery done two weeks from tomorrow, and while I wished I had done it earlier, I'm going to live my life to the fullest from this point onwards.

Thank you!! You're going to be so excited about life again!!

[K_aane 356]

I am crying reading your story. Not tears if sorrow but of joy. God Bless you. You are an inspiration!! There us a saying "when you are going thru hell...keep going" you have persevered and came through and your strength is a testament to your inner soul. You are precious and beautiful. May your light continue to shine and help to lead those who may also be on a difficult journey. You go girl!!! You are a rockstar!! Your pics,are beautiful!!!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using the BariatricPal App

[Writergirl 230]

I am crying reading your story. Not tears if sorrow but of joy. God Bless you. You are an inspiration!! There us a saying "when you are going thru hell...keep going" you have persevered and came through and your strength is a testament to your inner soul. You are precious and beautiful. May your light continue to shine and help to lead those who may also be on a difficult journey. You go girl!!! You are a rockstar!! Your pics,are beautiful!!!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using the BariatricPal App

Awww, now I'm crying, too!! Thank you!!

[anonmom 95]

Thanks for writing this. I'm getting sleeved tomorrow and I'm simultaneously ready and not ready. The thought of backing out has crossed my mind several times, but only for a moment each time. I know this is the right thing for me to do.

The past 18 months of my life have been like your last 5 years; there has been so much death and so much loss in my family. Every time I lose someone else, I tell myself that I have to go on, I have to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other, but that I will not be able to do it if this happens again. Yet it keeps happening.

In a way, though, this is what tells me I can do this. I've lost so much already. I'm ready to lose all the weight that is holding me back. And I don't want to wait until I need joint replacements, until I have diabetes, etc.

More than anything, I don't want my daughter and my partner to have to lose me early due to heart disease or liver disease or any of the many things that are statistically more likely when you are morbidly obese.

Your story and your pictures are amazing! I can't wait to see what I can do when I've conquered my food addiction.

Sent from my Nexus 5X using the BariatricPal App

[K_aane 356]

Thanks for writing this. I'm getting sleeved tomorrow and I'm simultaneously ready and not ready. The thought of backing out has crossed my mind several times, but only for a moment each time. I know this is the right thing for me to do.

The past 18 months of my life have been like your last 5 years; there has been so much death and so much loss in my family. Every time I lose someone else, I tell myself that I have to go on, I have to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other, but that I will not be able to do it if this happens again. Yet it keeps happening.

In a way, though, this is what tells me I can do this. I've lost so much already. I'm ready to lose all the weight that is holding me back. And I don't want to wait until I need joint replacements, until I have diabetes, etc.

More than anything, I don't want my daughter and my partner to have to lose me early due to heart disease or liver disease or any of the many things that are statistically more likely when you are morbidly obese.

Your story and your pictures are amazing! I can't wait to see what I can do when I've conquered my food addiction.

Sent from my Nexus 5X using the BariatricPal App

You go girl!! You grab the brass ring and hold on tight! I just went yesterday to start the 6 month pre-op prep, diet, test, going thru the insurance hoops. I cried at the office yesterday when the Dr told me, yes you can do this. I was excited and scared at the same but I am going to do this. What will come on the other side of this journey will be well worth it. Hold on tight....!!!!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using the BariatricPal App

[Raymia 565]

Okay now I'm at my desk in tears!!! You are a strong woman and thanks for sharing it with us.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using the BariatricPal App

[kim766 25]

Thank you for sharing your journey I am now beginning mine I sleeved January 13th will start puree diet on January 27th Thank you very much and may you continue to be Bless

Sent from my SM-G935P using the BariatricPal App

[Newlife2017 8]

I really needed this today! I have one month until I have my surgery and I am starting to get nervous about altering my body. I keep reassuring myself that the trade off will be so worth it and your story confirms that what I am about to do is the right thing. I am 43 and have spent most of my teens all the way up to my late 30s wanting to die. Since I turned 40 I have wanted to do nothing but live! I have young nieces and nephews that I want to go do fun things with and soon I will be able to. I can't wait to live a full life now! Thank you for sharing your story! I needed to hear it! Congrats on living life to your fullest!

[Chrisanna 27]

The statistics were against me. I went to the hospital completely unsure if I would have the courage to go through with my surgery, and terrified I would die. No one... I promise you, NO ONE, ever wanted to have bariatric surgery less than I. I was an emotional food addict whose life had shrunk so much that food was my entire social life. I weighed 367.8 pounds, had out of control diabetes, and could no longer walk across my own kitchen on most days. I needed both knees replaced and my doctor refused to do it until I lost a lot of weight.

The night before my surgery I was alone in the house and I sobbed a funeral dirge for my best friend, food. I was certain I would lose my mind without it.

My friends, are you hesitating?? Struggling? Regretting?? If you can stay with me, read on.

I will tell you that after the first month there hasn't been one day in five years that I haven't thought, "I never could have done this before."

My journey has been difficult, and you will have your struggles, too. The first year, I cared for and buried my beloved sister--my "person" in this world--who died in my arms. The second year, I had my right knee replaced. The third year, my left knee. My weight loss stalled, but I never gave up. The fourth year, my father died and right afterwards, my husband almost died and needed months of nursing.

I didn't tell you all that to whine. I told you in order to try to put some context to my life, because in spite of all that sorrow and pain, I am filled with joy. I have taken back my life, and you can, too.

When I came out of my surgery, I vowed that having taken the drastic step of altering my body, I was going to be all in. I have honored that vow.

I had to learn to walk again. Now I am a landscape, wedding and portrait photographer.

I had to accept that I couldn't go on vacation and eat like the old me without gaining back weight it took me months to lose. Now I usually drop a couple of pounds on vacation, and I have one thing every day that I really want. To eat, that is!! I get to have experiences instead of food now!

I had to accept that carbs are not part of my daily eating. But I have learned to actually prefer zucchini spaghetti!!

Most importantly, I learned that no one will ever abuse me again. And that includes me.

I learned that emotional eating may feel like self care, but it is self destruction, and self destruction and self preservation can never exist side by side.

Last year, I photographed the cliffs of Maine, the mountains of West Virginia (going by rope down to the waterfalls), beaches in the Carolinas, and so many other things. (Check out my stuff at mlwolfephotos.com if you are inclined!).

I could babble on and on...

Today, I am at my lowest weight in 34 years. I have not met my weight loss goal. I'm still just over 200 pounds--a weight many people begin this journey at!! It may take me a year, but I'll get there.

On January 1st I turned 60, and I cried. A lot. I didn't cry because I was 60. I cried because I wasted so many years... My 30s... My 40s...half my 50s. I cannot get them back. But I have what's left, and I will cherish each breath.

So, I lost much of my stomach. I lost 153 pounds. I gained the world.

I wish that for each and every one of you! May you work to make all your dreams come true!

Attaching a few pics, not just of what I look(ed) like, but of who I am!!!

Beautiful! Beautiful pictures as well. I admire you. God Bless. {{{Hugs}}}

[lore 88]

WOW. What a story, and what inspiring success. Thank you for sharing!!!!

Sent from my XT1635-01 using the BariatricPal App

[Crafty-in-Carolina 138]

What an inspiration you are. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story with us. I'm crying with you... not out of pity, but happiness for you. You said you feel that you wasted so many years, but I have a feeling you are living now, I mean really living.... in such a way that many can not because they take their days for granted. I'm betting you take nothing for granted. May your days be long and blessed. You make 60 look awesome!!!

[sarahblu 179]

Wow.

You have captured the heart and soul of so many people post-op and gave a voice to the amazing experience of truly living. Just living. I am 4 months post-op and can say many of the things you have said. I didn't realize how heavy I was and how many things in life I couldn't do or experience. I have to have a cocktail dress for an event and was nervous about shopping. It was so gratifying to find many dresses in regular sizes and actually have them all fit! So much fun. I am going to share your post with several people in my life that need this. Thank you so much...please keep writing and inspiring!!

Sent from my SM-N920V using the BariatricPal App

[Hazel_eyez 173]

Inspiring story and beautiful pictures from a beautiful person